Helping a friend feel comfortable. Don't want to overstep

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Lilgirlz2
Lilgirlz2 Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi. It's my first post so bear with me if I am doing something wrong. Met new friend and her husband a few months ago. She told me she was recovering from breast cancer and had mastectomy and implant on one side and lift on other. I thought it had been about two years. We see them out for dinner. Double dates etc. we recently invited them to come to ocean for weekend and they seemed very positive about it. Well we saw them a few days ago and they said they can't make it. They seemed very tense. During dinner I mainly spoke to her and she seemed very focused in talking about how unhappy she is with her appearance. Weight Etc but mainly appearance of breasts. Unevenness. How they didn't take out enough in lift side to match. How scars are bad Etc. she wants to get them redone in next five years and surgery was only a year ago. I think she looks beautiful and threw out "perspective". "Healthy" etc. she seemed incredibly stressed and focused in it. We also discussed weight exercise etc and she kept saying how she had gained so much weight. I am naturally very fit and thin. Too thin. Just genetics. I really want to reassure her but really don't know what to say. I am concerned that this would be first time in bathing suit and that her self image is faltering. I want to send email but not sure what to say. We are not the best of friends but certainly becoming good friends. I don't know how to approach and reassure her. Her hubby and her were definitely tense. Do I let it go because it seems presumptuous to say that this is what I'm sensing? How can I help and not sound like a stupid skinny ass who clearly has not gone thru this? Am I reading too much into this? All suggestions welcome. :)

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  • yemaya
    yemaya Member Posts: 20
    edited May 2013

    I'm so sorry your friend is going thru this. this disease can alter our feelings about ourselves so much. Do make sure you tell her she looks beautiful every time you see her. If she seems depressed, maybe she needs to speak w/a counselor to help sort out her feelings.

    I have recently been put on an SSRI. The post traumatic stress of having breast cancer doesn't go away when you complete your surgery and treatments. It is there everyday when you see your reflection in the mirror. We need to find a way to love ourselves again and sometimes that takes somebody  else to guide us and perhaps even meds.

    You can start by saying something like, "hey I notices you were kind of sad the other day, wanna talk?" I'm not an expert but stick by her, she needs you right now.

    Good luck.

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited May 2013

    Ask her if she is interested in getting fit with you as you may be thin but not necessarily fit, and take it from there, until it happens to you its hard to understand but a talk on perspective may not be helpful !

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  • Lilgirlz2
    Lilgirlz2 Member Posts: 3
    edited May 2013

    She has started working out but is just feeling insecure. I don't know how to say anything without sounding like a total ass. If I say keep it in perspective. You are healthy. ? I feel like no matter what I say if I was her I would want to punch me. How do you reassure someone that they are beautiful and strong when they are feeling down? Without trying to say I know how you feel. Because I obviously can't know how she feels. I can imagine but I just want her to feel confident about how she looks and be comfortable around me. I guess it's time and individual for everyone. It just makes me feel awful

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited May 2013

    Why does it matter to you so much? She is who she is.....



    Try squashing one breast and ,looking in the mirror imagining scars all over too, then imagine you have to spend the next year like that.....feeling self conscious and as though your clothes are see through

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  • Lilgirlz2
    Lilgirlz2 Member Posts: 3
    edited May 2013

    Because I don't want to lose a friend. I want to be there for her and I think she wants me as a friend but is uncomfortable. I guess I just give her time is what you are saying. I just done want to be the one who isolates her out of discomfort. If she wants to them I guess it is her choice. There is no "right" thing for me to say. But because she is going thru a bit of depression I don't want to be the one who goes away or doesn't care because I do. I sent her an email Hoping she responds. If not ill give her time and space and just keep checking in with her. She is normally very upbeat. I don't want her to think she always has to be either.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited May 2013

    In my quest to "pay it forward" I found an awesome book re: caregiving. The title is "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart, How to Relate to Those Who are Suffering."

    When I was going through my trials those who checked in just to say, "I was thinking of you." or "How is it going?" on a regular basis meant so much to me. My dear MIL called me every Sat afternoon like clockwork to say "How are you feeling?" She did this for months. It really meant a lot to me.

    My Stephen Minister would generally open up our weekly meeting by asking "So how was your week?" I would normally take that opportunity to open up and tell her what was going on, and from that would come other areas of discussion. It was very cathartic.

    Your friend is lucky to have such a caring friend in you.

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