HELP PLEASE: Does anyone have ignorant family members?????
Gees, Stage 3C cancer with Mets and on Famera and hurt all over. Walk with a cane and my 84 year old mother can walk circles around me. We laugh about it a lot. She is a sweetheart! I’m 58 and married with a loving, understanding husband that helps keep my spirits up. I’m so grateful for them. My sister is 11 years younger and has taken me to doctors apts twice since my diagnoses. Her fiancé has even taken me to 2 doctors appointments but only dropped me off and then had me to call when I was ready to go. The rest of my family and my husbands family does not understand that I am not able to do the things I used to and make rude comments about my husband and I trying to find humor in my daily struggles. I’m not supposed to drive yet, so I have to depend on others to help out. I don’t like it, but have to deal with it. This is so hard to explain….. My sister and her fiancé have just plain outright said to me today ……” Well, such and such had breast cancer and they are back to doing everything they used to, you’re just letting this get you down and lazy”. It took everything I had inside me to keep my mouth shut and just turn around and walk away. I’m hurt and heartbroken and don’t know how to deal with this.
Comments
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Hi Onehunglo,
My boyfriend. When I first found out, had my Lumpectomy, then more surgery due to an infection, he told me that I was only feeling sorry for myself and that I had no right to feel sorry for myself. I was terrified and he was not nice. He was surprised to quickly become my ex-boyfriend right after that. People can be hurtful, because of their ignorance or fear. I decided to steer clear of them and only see people who supported me in my struggle.
Ceecee1111 -
Thank you CeeCee,
I’m sorry you had to experience that. Better to find out before you married though. My husband has been my biggest supporter. However my own flesh and blood little sister whom I’ve half way raised when she was young and her boyfriend are just plain ignorant. The one time my sister took me to an Oncologist visit she kept telling him what she thought was wrong with me. I just politely sat there and let her put her foot in her mouth. My Oncologist looked at her and politely asked…..”What medical school did you attend?” My sister replied Excuse me? Oncoligst replied “Do you have your medical license?” She said No. So he looked at her stern but nicely and said I didn’t think so. Your sister has been through a lot and it’s going to take her 2-4 years, maybe longer to get back on her feet. Afterwords my sister said to me….. I don’t like your doctor, he is a smartalic. I think you need to find another doctor.
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OHL. I look to friends for support over most of my family. I also used an aging in place organization to help with things. Try searching for the words aging in place and the name of your city to see if there is one near you. The one I used was $500 a year and then I could call them for help. Also, call american cancer society. They have help for getting to appointments. Some people are just jerks and there's no reason to put yourself through that. As the saying goes, f them if they can't take a joke.
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Can zebras change their stripes? Absolutely not! When people say inappropriate things, I just say, "Excuse me?" And then they get the evil eye! Practice saying that and you will feel sooo much better! And when people start referring to you as "difficult"... Then IGNORE them! VR (voraciousreader) does not waste her energy on anyone not worth wasting her energy on. VR has just so much energy and would prefer to use it on enjoying things she enjoys doing with people she enjoys doing it with. The DH has a life threatening chronic illness that has affected his entire life. Until he is blue in his face his dumb ass sister and the rest of his extended family haven't a clue about how serious his illness is and how it impacts his life. But we rationalize it that we're better off, because there is no treatment for stupidity!
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Thank you Gritgirl.
You know I have this philosophy about people. “I’m much to busy loving the people who really love me to worry about the people who don’t”. I’ll get over this, it just hurts because it’s family. I would never treat someone like that. I have tons of friends who want to help. The problem is I don’t want to bother them because they have work, family and their own problems to deal with. My oncologist reassures me that I am doing great and not to concern myself with people who don’t understand because they haven’t walked through my shoes. It’s just so sad. I pray that I do get through all of this with no cancer in the bones, lungs or brain. I sure as heck wouldn’t want to he in their shoes if I do. I just always say No, I doing fine when they ask if they can take me to doctors. No one has ever offered to help with house cleaning, grocery shopping, yard work or anything. It’s always been me and my wonderful husband. I will be much much better when my husband returns home from Washington.
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Gritgirl, I found one that may work. I'll investigate tomorrow. I also contacted a lawn service today to come help with my yard. My husbands brother was supposed to mow the lawn but he bailed. He told my husband he would do it if he paid him while my husband is in Bremerton Washington. (Navy Resv. trip) You know, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn through this process. Anyone who knows me knows that I would be the first one to step up to help someone and I sure as heck wouldn't charge them, family or not.
Ok, I'm done bitching...... haha I feel better.
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My Brother in law, used to tell everybody i used my BC to get out of doing things,all behind my back, until he was told get knotted by a few people, he since has realised the seriousness of my situation, i was a grade 3, yet my lump was barely visible and i was told, by the time a lump was formed, i would of been history. so yea there are some very insensitive people and family can be the worst, our accountant was one of the people who told him to get knotted, hubby was there and he was dying to laugh at BIL, but kept him self under control. i quite understand how fustrating it can get with ignorant people.
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I had to drive myself to chemo and go eat and then
be sick, My brothers never really check on me even
on Christmas. Only time is when they stold from my shed
cause one needed money, and then ask me for more later.
I never see them. Check with Chore Service and Volunteer
chore service for help in house and yard. They are free or low
cost. Good luck and like someone said, Friends do more then
family to me too. Take care, Debbie
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You dont need arrogant primadonnas like your sister! She may be hiding her own fears behind this! But she clearly has no real experience of what its like.......to believe she is better than the Oncologist is plain narcissistic....!
Stick to your own wisdom..... -
Hi everyone
My mother in law who is now 88 has had everything going. She is a walking miracle the bits she has had removed is amazing.
So I should not have been surprised that more poor hubby got told that she had chemo and worked so I should have no problem. We know that is not the case, her age does not excuse her. She has always been the same
It's my hubby I feel sorry instead of being the mother he needs she competes with my illness.
Thank you for encouraging the rant it feels good to write this down. -
Wow. It's just sad what everyone is going through. I live away from my family and have been doing my best to pick and choose who to deal with. This is hard enough without some schmuck talking in my ear.
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Yes, it is very sad. I didn’t have a clue what it was like to go through surgery, chemo (TAC), Radiation and now hormone therapy. The older you are coupled with the stage you’re in makes all the difference in the world as to how hard it is on you too I think. My sister has a friend that had stage one and took chemo and drove two hours every 4 wks to take her treatments. She’s a young whipper-snapper and in tip top shape before this happened to her. So of course my sister thinks I should be the same way. Sometimes it drives me nuts at family gatherings and such. But for the most part, I just stay by myself. Even through chemo, my husband would take the day off to take me to treatment, then come home for lunch everyday to tend to me and otherwise I stayed my butt in the bed. Haha I had my phone right next to me though and I liked the quiet time. I can not see my sister going through this at all. Some of the women that I went through chemo with and radiation had problems with their family members not understanding. Honestly, no one can really understand unless they go through it. Nothing like good ole experience to teach the unwise.
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We have a transport bussiness, in trucks and i tell you six years ago i was jumping into that truck, like it was nothing, i was 47, and now with all the treatment i am on, and now diabetic, hubby has to help me into truck if i want to go for a ride, the joints and all the pills i am on, has made me old in my body, i have not got the stamina, i am going to a class soon made for people with diasbilties, like diabetes and cancer, gentle exersise to what you can handle, so u can start to loose abit of beef and get some mobilty back in my body. i am lke a ninety year old and only coming 52. hope this class works. I used to help the shearer with the sheep, round them up and able to be the shearers assiatant. not now though. what a change in a few years. unless you go thru it, a person does not have the understanding the same.
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Midnight. I know how you feel. If you want to join us in the fitness area for our baby step group. We talk about just what you're talking, and encourage each. This is hard on a body.
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I know this sounds plum aweful, but it does bring some comfort to know that others are going through the same challenges. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I didn't know there is a fitness area on here? I'll try to find it. I sure could use some pointers. Last visit to my oncologist, he mentioned I might need a little therapy. Huh!!!! That was 3 months ago, he'll poop his pants when he gets a load of me wabbling with my cane! haha
I will get better!!!!! Yes indeed.
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Thankyou for that invitation Gritgirl. i had written a reply yesterday and when i went to post it, there was a connection problem, that was going to take buying a new cord to get it going again, thanks to a little puppy who chased a cat and snapped the cord in half. Grrrrr. so all for nothing. but yes will interested in that. thanks heaps.
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Well, come on over, midnight. The topic is exercise - working back to it after treatment.
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I was diagnosed with stage I cancer with no node involvement 2 and 1/2 years ago. I had a lumpectomy with sentinel node biopsy, radiation and now arimidex therapy. Except for my husband who is great about it, the rest of my large family simply ignores the cancer and expects me to do everything I used to do. The joint pain and fatigue make it more difficult but not impossible. I'll be 64 the summer and also have arthritis and osteopenia. I broke my ankle with a simple fall and have had 2 surgeries on the ankle in the last couple of months.
One sister has had a mild form of MS and reminds me frequently how lucky I am not to have devastating chronic illness like hers. She was diagnosed over 20 years ago and is now beginning to notice some minor foot drop when she gets tired.
I'd love to be able to talk with my family and get support from them, but they are still concerned that I stopped having all the family parties at my house. All advice is welcome! -
LizFred, I totally understand. I as well used to cook for all the family gatherings and holidays. I enjoyed it very much. But since we’ve gone through this life threatening desise it has taken it’s toll on all of us. There are always exceptions though. My husband is away for the month. I inquired about my nephews mowing my lawn for a small price for extra money. Their father who is unemployed snatched it right up. Since it’s my husbands family, I asked him to take care of the communication and details. I like peace, I don’t want family drama. Well the agreement was he mow the lawn in the back only since my neighbor on the corner has a rider and makes his turns in our front yard. The grass in the backyard can not be seen from the front due to 6’ privacy fencing. So this lazy brother in law of mine who refers to me as the bitch decides that he would only mow it twice and get the same $$. After seeing that he was only going to mow once every two weeks I called my hubby and told him to tell his brother never mind that I was going to hire a professional service. I did, and am so blessed for doing so. The young gentleman cleaned out all my flower beds and around my rose garden and had scratches all over his legs from it. He weeded, edged and cleaned all the concrete areas. All this for the same price. Now I’m even more of a bitch and I could care less what they think.
If the shoe was on the other foot, working or not I would volunteer to mow the grass and not take a penny for it. Oh, he made a special trip over here to get his money, because he wanted his money. I gave him his money in a green envelope taped to a lawn chair on the front porch. I have no time in my life for people like this. NONE I have come to the conclusion that family is the worst sometimes when you’re going through a long term illness. I’m too busy loving the people who really love me and show it to deal with those who just want drama and treat me like I just had a bad cold.
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My mother-in-law, who I get along with pretty well, who I've know since I was 16 (about 28 years)...sent me a text about a week after my husband told her I was diagnosed with breast cancer. A TeXT! A WEEK AFTER HEARING!
It was a nice text, like "we love you & we are praying for you, if you need anything...." but still it was a text, a week later. She watched the kids when I was in the hospital so my husband could be with me, and I think she checked in with my husband, but never called me, never had a conversation with me about any of this, before or after my surgery. And other than watching the kids for 2 nights (which is pretty easy because they are really well behaved 11, 12 & 14 year olds who basically watch themselves), she didnt even send a card or offer a meal or anything. I'm definitely hurt by all of this - but I havent told my husband. He's been so great, I dont want to complain to him about it. But I feel like my relationship with my mother in law is permanently changed and permanently damaged because of this.
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Danawp, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Did your mother in law have any daughters of her own? Perhaps she was afraid and just didn’t know how to handle it. My husband asked his mother to come from Michigan to stay with me for a month while he had to go to Washington working for the Navy. She was told by ME that all I needed her to do was run some errands and make sure I got to my appointments and just be here if anything went wrong. She said she would be more than happy to come and was looking forward to it. Long story short…. She came, but she didn’t want to do anything but for her and I to go shopping. I told her I didn’t feel like going shopping but she was more than welcome to take my car and go any place she wanted. (I needed a break from her anyway) One evening I started having really bad pains and discomfort in the middle of my chest and my breathing was not normal. I called my doc and they told me I needed to get to the emergency room right away….. My mother in law would not take me. She said under the circumstances that she felt I should drive myself. Well I did. The doctor flipped out. I called a couple of my friends and my doctor told all 3 of us that “The mother in law needed to leave and go back home”. He told my friends that he expected me to tell my husband that evening and that if I didn’t he wanted them to call my husband. Well I called him, he called his mother and told her he loved her but she needed to get out of his house now. She left the following morning.
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Wow, ohl. What a story. That's incredible that your husband asked her to leave. I am very lucky to have good friends and some good family. It is interesting to see the bad behavers. I had two close friends who disappeared during all of this. One just went away. And the other went away during and now wants to hang out. I tried hanging out with the one friend, but felt too uncomfortable. I can focus on the bad behavers too much and have to force myself to think of all the good people in my life.
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Hi again
Like OHL this helped me feel better about my family problems. I am so glad your hubby had the strength to deal with mil OHL.
Thanks everyone for sharing their family disasters. Grit girl I would love join you on the exercise thread . I am so achy so a slow start would be great.
Thanks everyone
Mara -
Mara, come over and join us. I'm not at a computer so can't paste the thread URL here. Easiest way to find it is click on my name and look at the topics I've posted on. It's call Exercise - Working Back to It
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