Sad weekend.

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Mother4Life
Mother4Life Member Posts: 40
edited June 2014 in IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)

I am having a very hard time this week. I am an emotional mess right now. 

Let me start with my story... In Oct 2012 I found out that I had stage 2 IDC. I did surgery to remove cancer in breast and armpit and 26 treatments of radiation. I am now finished treatment and have to wait until Sept for more test to confirm cancer is gone. During my journey with cancer I had a good friend that was my rock. She had gotten the very same cancer I have a year before. She told me if she could beat cancer then so could I.  I do not know how I would have gotten though cancer treatment without her. She was my life line. She made me learn that during the hell of treatment try to focus on something good in the future.  During the crazy time during my daily radiation treatments and me trying to look after my 4 kids during treatment (had no help) I lost contact a bit with this friend, we did chat a bit on line, but with our busy schedules the last few months we did not have time to get together as we usually did. She never said anything when I chatted with her on line the last few month about her cancer. Well this past week our world came crashing down. This wonderful caring friend lost her battle with cancer. Why had she not said anything to me. She never told anyone beside her direct family the cancer came back. I would have been there for her and her family like she had been for me when I found out I had cancer. I been helping her family now by watch the kids while her husband looks after funeral details... But I wish she had told me so I could have helped her while she was alive. My heart just breaks. The news has hit me two fold. I have lost a good friend to cancer. Also, this may sound selfish but I find myself worrying about my own health now too. We had same cancer, same stage etc.... She always used to say... If I can beat this cancer so can you.... Those words are now bugging me... If she died... I could too.  I am finished treatment.. But have not been tested to make sure all cancer cells are gone. I worry I may travel the same road she did. I feel so lost right now. I will never see my friend again. I am trying to stay strong when I am help her husband but life will never be the same. I miss her so much.  R.I.P. My friend.

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  • ED2012
    ED2012 Member Posts: 97
    edited May 2013

    I am so sorry for the grief and loss you are feeling, and for the loss of your dear friend. My heart goes out to you. Perhaps your friend wanted to give you the gift of hope while she still could. Providing the support you are giving now to her family and children - even as you battle your own cancer dx is something I am certain she felt confident you would do and I can only imagine how grateful she would feel. Saying goodbye takes so much strength....sometimes more than what we can gather. I am sending you prayers and support tonight and in the coming days. All we can do is walk this journey we have been given - using every tool possible to fight...and hope we come through to the other side. Praying you peace my friend.

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  • Dianarose
    Dianarose Member Posts: 2,407
    edited May 2013

    Mother4life- Your post made me cry. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your friend didn't want to frighten you. She was a strong person to be able to keep it to herself as not to worry you and take away your hope.

    I feel your pain. My best friend went to all my appointments. She took care of my son when I was not able to. She went to every fill and every chemo with me. She made it fun. We did retail therapy after each chemo just to treat ourselves. We went out with family when I finished chemo to celebrate. We had such a good time. She was my rock and healty as a horse. In Febuary we were going to go celebrate the end of rads and all treatments except she came down with the flu. It went to her chest and we called an ambulance for her as she was having chest pains. At the hospital they said they didn't think it was anything and did a chest exray. They said that it was fine, but wanted to keep her overnight for observation. While they were monitoring her a clot went from her lung to her heart and killed her instantly. I was a total mess. I remember just staying beside her stroking her long hair until she was no longer warm. I am still devistated. It is difficult to type this.

    What I have learned is that is does not matter if you have cancer or not that we are all mortals and will die when it is our time. I have learned not to give up hope or dreams. Every day is precious and take nothing for granted. I thank God even when I have a shitty day. We will both see our friends again when it is time. The pain is felt by all of us who are left behind. I can't imagine what her kids and husband are going through, but she no longer suffers and we just have to try to focus on that. I have days where I am still really angry and can't comprehend why God would take my friend. I miss her so much. There is a big void in my life that will be there until the day comes and I reunite with her when this journey is over.

    I am so sorry you have lost your friend. Sending you hugs...... Diana Rose

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  • Sydneyluv
    Sydneyluv Member Posts: 26
    edited May 2013

    Oh my goodness. What difficult painful life experiences. I am so sorry for your losses. Your friends sound so special and clearly you were special to them. My deepest sympathy. I am very impressed with the wisdom in your posts.

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  • Mother4Life
    Mother4Life Member Posts: 40
    edited May 2013

    Thanks for listening. I do not really have anyone to talk about this to. It helped just typing this and getting it off my chest. It will not bring her back, but I must stay strong and put a smile on my face when around other when I am actually falling apart inside. Letting my thought out here helped a bit. Thanks for listening.  I miss her so much.  I remind myself and must remember one the things I learned from my friend during my own battle with cancer...do not take life for granted... Live each day to the fullest and make the most out of it. I will try to do that. I will never forget her. She was such a loving caring person. She was to young to die. 

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited May 2013

    Your posts brought me to tears. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. What brave and courageous friends you guys had. Recently a drunk driver swerved and went right for these 2 young teenagers walking on the road. The guy pushed his girlfriend out of the way and saved her life. He died. What an incredible person he was. I know his family and friends miss him terribly but what a testament to the kind of young man his parents raised. I lost my best friends years ago - not from bc but one from respiratory pneumonia and the other from diabetes. My heart was broken then and still is now many years later. It is hard not to be angry or bitter but I will say to you guys is relish the time you had together. They were in your lives for a reason. We dont need to take any day for granted. I have tried not to do that since I have been dx. I too have Stage 2, Grade 1 BC. I am 2 1/2 years out. We all know there are no guarantees no matter what your stage is but I have to admit makes me a little more than nervous than we are the same stage - different grade. May both your friends rest in peace. Diane

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