stage 0/dcis survivor...depression, ptsd, whatever...?

NanG, you are not alone. I have those very same days. I had tissue expanders placed in Jan and they are absolutely nothing like my old breasts. They are so small it is unreal. I too am gaining weight even with the chemo. It is scary. Cancer is scary. There are so many days that I am afraid I may die. There are so many days I don't want to get up out of bed, and I too cry to my mom! It's too hard to be strong all the time. But you have been strong, you've made it through the last year. Not everyone becomes empowered and empowers others.. Some people just survive it I think. Have you considered counseling? I started seeing a therapist after losing a child 8 years ago and have continued. I find it really helps just to be able to vent to someone who doesn't judge once a week. I am here for you too if you need or want to talk.

Do not despair!!! I can identify with what you are dealing with. Was first diagnosed with DCIS 6/08...lumpectomy then full left breast radiation. Clear mammogram results up until this year 1/13. While on the biopsy table the decision made itself...I made it myself...if the cancer had returned, I would get a bilateral w/immediate reconstruction. Needless to say, it did, and surgery was 1/30. I had a latissimus dorsi flap on left side due to the previous radiation in '08, and tissue expanders in both sides. Had to do basically nothing first 2 weeks, then not lift anything over 10 lbs or lift arms over head for 6 weeks. Yikes! My husband is 100% disabled w/PTSD, so no compassion/mental help from there...I had to basically take the entire process on alone, even though married. Driving myself 100 miles one-way to get to all my appointments (or arrange for a friend to take me before I could drive myself). Though I was completely informed along the way, and able to make all the decisions on my own along the way, it has been the most difficult physical and emotional event of my entire life (I am 60, but in great shape, and have been told I look nothing like my age). However, this process feels like it has taken years off my life. I am just now beginning to feel like I will one day in the future get back to myself again! I get my implants 5/22, and am looking forward to getting the tissue expanders removed, which will have been in place for 3 months (due to the latissimus dorsi surgery, which is required to be sure the muscle tissue used for left breast reconstruction doesn't shrink, thus needing additional saline injections...) I also have had to go to physical rehabilitation continually, once a week (same 100 mile one way trip), to get evaluated on my progress and to get new and more difficult exercises. Hopefully my last session (after 8 weeks) will be this Wed 5/15. Therapist will place me on hold until cleared by doctor after implant surgery 5/22...Anyway, I only have my sister in Utah, and 2 girlfriends I can share any feelings with. Sometimes the emotions creep up when you least expect them. And there they are, tears falling uncontrollably...but they do stop, and I move on to the next thing, whatever it is. My sister told me once during this that our brains can only handle so much at a time, no matter what the situation, and when we let loose, or cry, it is our brain allowing us to take on a little more, process it, then move on to the next time, if and when it should arise. Don't know if you are alone through all this, but sometimes I think that with a husband who cannot show his compassion or caring like other husbands might, or close friends and family can, that I would be better off entirely alone. But I have put that to rest, as he too has his own "individual" battle to fight, alone, even though I am here. So, when you start feeling sad, upset, alone in all this, "slap yourself on the face", then "pat yourself on the back", and commend yourself for handling it...in whatever way you can. Each day presents different obstacles, but each day offers you the opportunity to choose something that is entirely yours, and is positive in it's very small way. If you can turn your focus on this and fall asleep thinking how fortunate you are to be alive and to have made the choice to stay that way, then wake up with this same thought, you will be on your way to getting your life back...and maybe it will be even BETTER than it was before, during, and after your surgery! All my best to you, as we both, along with so many others, face this battle in all the different ways it may present itself! Send a private message if you'd like. I take a 5mg tablet of Valium at night sometimes, just to relax enough to fall asleep, so that I can start the next day as fresh as possible. Oh, and by the way, even though my boss knew I planned to return to work on 4/1, he replaced me with somebody else, and let me know by phone 10 days before I was coming back!  But I decided that I could make this a positive turn of events, since I needed to do 3 sessions/day, 7 days of week, of rehab stretches and strengthening exercises which amounts to about 3 hrs a day...AND, in only 1 year from May of this year I can start collecting social security!!!! I have decided that my life is a "clean slate", and once I finish all this, I am open to everything and anything!!! Take care...