Husband left after my breast cancer diagnosis

I was divorced a few years before my diagosis, but I too have young children. Mine are 5 and 8. It is hard to go through this without a partner. But it doesnt sound like he was a good one anyway! A man who would do something like that is despicable.

Please dont feel alone. You only need to be on these boards for 5 min to realize that you are not alone! There are so many amamzing women in this sisterhood. And we are here for you.

Please send me a private message if you would like, and we can exchange email addresses.

Nicole

Edited by Mods to remove member's personal email address. For your own privacy we recommend that you not give your personal contact info in public, but only exchange it in private messages with those you know and trust.

Ugh. What a butthead he is. I'm so sorry. Nicole is right, you are not alone. There are many of us here for you anytime. 

I don't think I could have kept up with 2,4 and 8 year olds during chemo either. Heck, I'm done with chemo and don't know if I could keep up even now. That's tough even when you are healthy! Don't be to hard on your self. PB&J for dinner now and then is fine!

I don't really have any advice, but I'm sending you hugs and good thoughts...and remember, you are not alone. We are here.

Hi Dawn.

That is just cruel of him. To leave in the first place and then to threaten to try for custody if you ask for help. These are his children and yet you say that he is not involved in their lives right now. Gee, that would look good to a judge wouldn't it. Sounds like he is trying to scare you out of asking him for any help. Nice, really nice. That man needs a good slap up the side of the head.

I guessing you already have but if not make sure you have been to a lawyer and found out what your rights are and what demands you can make. Bet he trys to screw you there too.

You will find lots of women here who can share with you. Even if it's just to agree are freaking unfair this is. He agreed to vows and he didn't even get over the first hurdle before he cut and ran. Part of me wants to say, you are so better off without him but then you have so much invested in this relationship. It still hurts to be treated this way. You deserve better and he or some of his family could step up and support you at lest with the children. They belong to his family too, and they don't care, that's rude.

Stay strong and know you are never alone. There is always someone awake to listen and respond.

Moira

Do you have friends? If so now is the time to ask them for specific help......decide what would help you and the best times - eg first ten days after chemo and clearly state what you need to them , i expect most of them have no idea what you are going through.....and no clue what they can do to help. Can you contact a local breast cancer group as they may know the best local resources for you?



Your husband does not deserve the title but remember this a reflection of him NOT you and the way his family are shows these are sadly their true colours........you are better off without them but if you can keep a diary of when you asked for help and the response just in case you ever need it, you deserve a lot better......



Big hug.....

Dear Dawn, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please know that you are not alone! We are here. The ladies are right, you need support right now. Seek out friends, neighbors or family members.

 This disease sucks the life out of everything but we can get through this. We've been through so much already and it sucks that we now have the added stress of relationship issues.

My husband has retreated and is in counseling. Something has shifted in him I know it. He says he loves me but doesn't know if he wants this marriage anymore. that's helpful eh? He was there like a rock through everything. I think he just burned out. I don't think I can get him back. I'm miserable and depressed and also feel alone, but we are not! We have this amazing family here. I feel lucky to be able to connect. I haven't posted for a long time, but I always feel like I can come back here and reconnect and it's great.

I'm also seeking counseling. I'm prone to depression and I'm afraid of what will happen. But I'm tough and I'm gonna hang in there and do what is necessary to be happy and have peace in my life. That will have to be w/or w/out him. We have no children so I guess it's easier (doesn't feel like it though).

hanging in there and hope you do too

Please let us know how you are doing.

Your husband is so amazingly self-centered and has absolutely no ability to empathize with what you are going a through, in other words, a sociopath. To threaten the stability of his children's lives by not paying the mortgage is way beyond "mean". You must arm yourself in every possible way against him and his family. They have all been stupid enough to show you how they really feel. Do NOT give any of them a second chance. Obviously, he wants to undermine your ability to take care of the children so that he can get custody. Please arm yourself immediately with a lawyer, even if it's Legal Aid, because he seems to take great pleasure in being extraordinarily sadistic towards you and the children. Do NOT tip your hand to him, do not complain about anything, smile, act normal, as if you didn't have a care in the world. Getting your house in order (go to the bank with the mean emails or record the verbal threats he makes) is as much a priority as is dealing with your cancer as you heal. use the courts, the cops, and do NOT allow this bum to have any power.

I know you're still in shock that he would behave like this, but in a bizarre way, he did you a favor. Now you know he is a thoroughly bad person and you don't ever have to wonder again. Do NOT trust him at all, not the girlfriend, not the family. 

When you are healed, beautiful, with your long beautiful hair, you will be happy he left and make sure you get every single dime from that sc_mbag. If he can wine and dine somebody, he can pay the mortgage. Don't get hurt or angry; get even, get what you deserve in life, serenity and freedom from a man incapable of loving anybody.

Women are very powerful when they get clear about protecting their children. Become a tigress.

Dawn, when I read your post I just wanted to cry, I totally felt your pain. Then I became angry....he sounds like my exhusband! A total bully, I don't know what state you live in, but there are laws that protect you. Get legal help soon and document everything. He is the lowest of the low to do this to you and your kids. Let your friends help, stay strong and know that you have people here that are supportive and pulling for you. Probably better that he is gone, you will be rewarded with someone alot better in your future....you certainly deserve it.

Hugs...I'll be thinking of you!

I'm with tuxtails.....boy did he lose out on a beautiful, wonderful woman and three wonderful children.....I can't figure people like him out but what I do know is YOU and your CHILDREN deserve a hell of a lot better than him. In time, you'll see but for now, concentrate on getting well, getting all the support you need and when you can, having fun with the kids. ((((hugs))))

i am sorry. this sucks. i have heard of this happening before.



just two more chemos!

Thinking about giving up. Tired alone sick and broken hearted.



F you cancer! F you for taking the light that was right in sight!



And f me for being weak and needy.



I want to scream this out loud and actually say the swear word!



The last year and half has been brutal. I watched and supported and loved my boyfriend while his divorce became final, while he lost his mother from cancer and while he recovered from a broken back, ribs and shoulder. I nursed him loved him cared for him held him and was there for him. Even in those moments while he was unbearable.



I love him with all my heart and soul.



But I left him this Friday. I packed my bags and moved out back to my house across the state.



A relationship can only withstand so much before the weight of sorrow and hurt bends and warps to a breaking point.



I left him because deep down I feared asking for help, I feared asking him to take care of me.... But most I feared he'd fall out of love with this woman that used to be young beautiful healthy and active, the Funn woman that loved sex and laughter and adventures would be gone for a while and that he'd no longer want me.



So I left. Knowing in my heart as much as he loves me. He's glad deep down in his heart that he won't have to take care of me.



My heart hurts.

raindeer1217 - I am so sorry you are hurting as much as you are. Clearly you are certain this man does not have the depth of character to stand by you. I hope he proves you wrong by following you. If he doesn't, it is for the best, he doesn't deserve you and you are well rid of him, hard as it seems. You gave him a priceless gift in caring for him in his time of need, he owes it to you to stay by you when you need help. After you are better, it would be up to you both to decide what to do.

When I was young and beautiful, many years ago, I used to worry that my husband would no longer love me and would leave me if I got breast cancer. I even talked to him about it and he said he probably would, so you can imagine how I felt when I was diagnosed a year ago. It took a while for me to accept that when he told me that he was going to support me no matter what happened to my breasts that he really meant it. I realized that he was genuinely afraid he would lose me, that he loved me far more than I had known. Today, after a lumpectomy, chemotherapy and radiation I am getting my strength back and feel pretty good. I used cold caps and was able to save my hair and not go bald which might be a possibility for you. 

Have you read any of the articles in the New York Times called "Life Interupted" by a remarkable 24 year old young woman named  SULEIKA JAOUAD who is battling cancer ? You might find them interesting as they are about a young adult coping with her illness and trying to figure out her life. They are not depressing, they are fascinating. She discusses relationships and sex among other topics. I've put two below:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/category/voices-2/life/

well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/14/life-interrupted-crazy-unsexy-cancer-tips/

I wish you the best and hope things go better for you. Take care of yourself. (((Hugs)))

Anastasia, I'm not in your shoes but what I read between the lines makes me want to say to you.......there was nothing deficient in you that if better would have kept him. He would never have been there through the "better or worse, in sickness and in health" part of commitment. You deserve better, you will eventually find better.



Now is a time to invest in yourself, love yourself, and find the real true people in your life. Embrace them. He was not destined to be one of those.

Anastasia - there is nothing lacking in you but a whole lot lacking in him.......this sorts the men from the boys......

Dawn22,



I'm so freaking angry reading your post!!! My ex husband left 3 weeks after i gave birth to my youngest. By the way I also was diagnosis with lymphoma. I was 25, had cancer, with a 2 yr old and a newborn, no job and 2 months later my mother died Terrified!! He actually went for custody. I moved in with my aunt. That self centered bastard told the court that he should get custody because I would probably be dead soon.



But don't be afraid. I got a pro bono lawyer & it took over 2 yrs until we went to trial. Can u believe i Actually had to take the stand!!! But in that 2 yrs I completed treatment, got a job, an apt. By the time it was over he was handed his ass. Of course he had a girlfriend during my pregnancy. The judge was appalled that he could just leave the mother of kids to, in his words "to die soon" heartless, uncaring. The whole time he tried controlling me but I wouldn't be bossed around. 8 yrs with him, help him thru school. Best thing I did because after it was said and done i got his ass!!!



My newborn will be 17 this Thursday. It can be done. It's scary, I needed help . Even had to get food stamps etc.. But that was then. I want you to keep pushing forward. Its painful, scary, seems hopeless, at times I thought maybe they would be better with him, but then I kept thinking omg my children would be raised with those heartless morales NO WAY!!!



By the way bilateral 12/12/12. My live in bf of 3 yrs , whom I'd known for 12 yrs left right after New Year. Painful at first but 5 months later I'm relieved. I was done before the cancer & it was dragging. Chemo is over in July.



God Bless

That just says it all, men often leave women usually stay........