Starting chemo November 2012

I haven't gotten my port removed.  I know it sounds silly, but I want to get my first "normal" blood work and 3 month follow-up with my onc prior to getting it removed for exactly the same reason you stated.  Backache - did it recur in my bones? Abdominal pain - liver cancer.  I need to stress that I am not obsessed and the thoughts are fleeting, but they are there.  The scar from my port look worse that the scar from my BMX, so that also influenced my decision.

Thank you Sickofpink -  Will be ordering your book today.  Can't wait to read it!! And thank you for reminding me that our situation is not one that I could control.  It's hard when you see your child going in pain.  My DD is such a strong and brave woman to take control of this situation and not let it get the best of her. 

5Luvbugs - I have the DMX on May 14th and will be having my port removed.  Surgeon just said that I had to accept the fact that I might need surgery again if they find something in the pathology.  Chances are really low so I said take it out.

And for any of you about to go back to work -- if you have a boss like mine.  Be careful.  Don't let them push you to do more than you can.  Put yourself first and stand your ground.  That's what I've been doing.  I worked from home during chemo.  Pushed myself much more than I should have and for what?  No appreciation.  So from now on it's me first.  Don't like it then that's too bad.  My life is a hell of a lot more important than a job.

My port came out with during surgery last week...it was really uncomfortable and I figure if I need it back in some day I will have it put back...but long as they had me out anyway I got it out!

I'm sure many women have done this before, but I thought I'll share my version. Though it's very personal, I thought it will help in the healing process (as we are healing physically and psychologically). I wrote this letter an hour before my surgery (April 23, 2013) and sent it my friend. I'm not a writer so please forgive any grammatical error this piece may have.

Goodbye, My Girl (A Letter to My Right Boob)

"Them girls (my boobs)", as I referred to you guys ever since I met Billy (my husband). You have been a wonderful part of my body. I am crying inside because I know I will have to let go of you, Ms. Righty, this very morning. I know too that after today things will never be the same for me. I will miss you dearly. They will replace you with a breast or tissue expander and I'd have to live with it for several months. Of course later on again, replace you with silicone.

I remember you were the first one, Ms. Righty, my baby latched on to when I first fed him on the night of Dec. 2, 2008. I can still picture him with his little chinky eyes open and the cutest mouth I've ever seen, just big enough to suck on your nipple. I will always be grateful to you for that memory... it is truly a gift. Of course the never ending nursing sessions we had together with both of you producing delicious milk for the next 11 to 12 months were just as wonderful. I cherish those moments when I could truly study my baby carefully, then he'd look at me adoringly and smile constantly too. Oh that smile that could make the world beautiful and colorful. A smile that could melt a mommy's heart and makes the day worthwhile even when she's so tired for many sleepless nights. My experience as a mom is made whole and I owe them to you, girls.

I remember both of you being pinkish when I was in my twenties. I was always proud of you. I just thought both of you girls are the right size for me... Your firmness are just perfect. More so when I got pregnant at age 40, both of you were supple and I could never have been prouder of you. Though that changed after I gave birth, the nipples turned darker, I still think you guys look gorgeous.

You never gave me problems until I felt a lump on you, Ms. Righty, sometime in August 2012. Things happened fast after that, but I never blamed you. I'm so sad because you became a victim of this crazy cells who couldn't control themselves. You definitely don't deserve this kind of treatment. Ever since the diagnosis you've been checked and poked with needles. First the biopsy, then the sentinel lymph nodes dissection, and now this. I thought it'll end fair and square with us.

I'd like to keep you forever until I die, my precious girl. But circumstances say you gotta go, otherwise these crazy cells will take over the good cells, spread and get worst. I know I'll never forget this day that I have to bid you farewell. I feel terrible for this day... and hoped it would never have come, but in a few hours... surreal as it is... this is really going to happen...

Goodbye my sweet girl, goodbye Ms. Righty!

How ironical, the part of your body that gives nourishment to your baby can also be your worst enemy.

Congratulations Leslie!!! I will definitely buy your book. As to the port question, my mo said I would keep mine for life. Even though they can't draw blood from it, it is very useful for my chemo infusions.

Thanks 5luvbugs. They did a test to find out why my port is ineffective in blood draws,, they told me because its full of gunk? I don't know what they mean by that. It is only good for infusions. My chemo nurse was able to get blood once during an infusion. Strange to me because they put the port in for chemo and also blood draws as my veins are hard to use. But now they have found excellent veins for my weekly blood work. Go figure.

Leslie's book is in at the library. They called me just a bit ago. Too cool!



Paula

5Luvbugs - I've been spending hours out in the yard lately.  Planted 5 new rose bushes, 75 pansies in white and bright pink and some other plants that I can't remember their names.  We also had more sod put down this week in the front yard which means lots of watering.  Unfortunately our sprinkler system doesn't reach all of the acre+ yard so it's the old fashion hose and sprinkler or me with the hose.  I love working in my flower beds.  Now if I can only talk DH into putting me in some raise beds in the back for a veggie garden. 

Michelle - so glad to hear you're feeling better!  I need to start walking too. 

Sorteria- soon it will be time to celebrate being done with chemo.  Very happy to hear that!

9 more days till BMX.  DD is doing great.  Still gets a little tired but that's to be expected.

Hope everyone has a great week!!

I picked up " What A Mother Knows " today. Thanks for reminding me Tricia.



I have to wait a bit to start walking. I still get winded walking from the driveway to the front door. But, I only have 2 more weekly taxol, then I'm in!



Paula

I'm in

This is true!!

Yay for the easy extraction of your port. My mo said mine will be in for the rest of my life. Maybe thats because I have mets to my hip, it really doesn't bother me too much.

Txjunebug~~I love your picture!!!!



Paula

Junebug is so nice to see your smiling face ~~ Keetmom glad your feeling good.