I want my life back!

Hi Lily,

I feel so sorry, and helpless when I see a new post from you, and I read how you are feeling. You don't get any respite from it at all.

Sleep deprivation, and bottling up these terrible feelings must be exhausting you. Do you have anyone at all that you can talk to? Is there a BC group that you could join?

I'm willing to bet there are other women around you, who you aren't even aware of yet, who would love to have you to talk to, and to learn from. You have so much to offer, and it could take the focus off your feelings about your appearance.

I have found that going to meetings once a month, I had one today, with other women in the same situation, and others much worse off, has been a great opportunity for me to help others, and feel supported, myself.

You ask if there is something wrong with you? Certainly not, but I think that you are isolated, and perhaps that is what is giving you the perception that you have, about the way you look. Have you had anything to do with others who have had a BMX or UMX like you?

I know this may not be for everyone, but at our meetings, BC is not the main focus, but if anyone has a concern, or a question there are a dozen of us there for opinions. Today, we were comparing "Dog Ears", physically comparing them, because one member thought she was the only one who had one. Shirts were up and bras pulled down, to compare. As I said, not for everyone, but believe me, we all feel more "normal" because of the openness of this group.

I really hope you can find a way to feel better, I wish you could join us!  ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))Lily.

Lily, I just want to say that you're in our prayers. You deserve relief. God bless you.

Lily,

I just want ot say ditto to what others have said before me.   If the therapist does not seem to be a good match,might be time to think about changing.  I would also recommend seeing a psychiatrist re: some meds fro depression and or anxiety.  They won't resolve all the issues you are experiencing, but will raise the floor from which you can work.   I would search high and low to find a group of some sort that you could join.  I have a group for my particulary type of BC, it only meets every other month, but is a wonderful connection.  There is also a thread here "A rant, I look for other flat chested women"   There are amazing women all struggling with the same issues 

Be well and stay in touch

Nel

 I don't think anyone who has had breast cancer is the same person mentally or physically and we all suffer to some extent.   One thing that helped me is having reconstruction.  I waited 18 months after mastectomy to begin the process.  Looking at my sunken in chest was a constant reminder that I had breast cancer.  Initially I thought if I gave myself enough time that I would get used to the prosthesis, but it was a pain in the butt and I was so self conscious when it came to putting on a swimsuit or wearing racer back cycling tops.  So, after going through one summer with a prosthesis, I decided reconstruction was for me and I am so glad I had it done.  I have regained my confidence.  

Definitely not trying to push reconstruction but wanted to let you know how much it helped me emotionally.  I am still not 100% happy and care free and don't suppose I will ever be my "old" self.  I am so thankful to be here but it is easy to get depressed.  Just hard to describe so I know exactly where you are coming from.  

Praying better days are ahead for you!

Oh Lily,

You are a strong and beautiful woman. I don't know you at all but I believe each person no matter what is beautiful. It has to come from within though. You have to look at yourself and say "I'm am worth it, I am beautiful". Cancer is not who I am but something that happened to me.Sometimes you have to keep saying it until it becomes true.

I had a mast and no reconstruction 5 years ago. I was stage 4 from dx and I thought they just wouldn't waste money on someone who was dying anyway. But in NZ the public health system is over loaded and one thing they have decided to save money on is reconstructions for mast.

I found something that helped me accept myself more was when I had to put lotion on my chest for rads. I looked in the mirror and slowly rub the lotion into my skin. It helped me relate to this new shape that didn't belong to me. It took a while but in the end I could acknowledge this was how it was going to be and I could be proud of what I had been though. My breasts were not all of me and I had a lot to offer that had nothing to do with breasts.

Lift your head, take a deep breath and love yourself, then step out and if anyone says anything(and they probably won't) who are they to find fault.

I can now go swimming without a prosthetic and just flat on one side. No-one says anything and if they did I would tell them I had cancer and I'm not ashamed of that. You have nothing to be ashamed about and your body is not all you are.

Remember too I am 5 years out and am a stroppy opinionated woman who doesn't hide. Actually I'm quite shy but have learnt that I am good enough the way I am and no-one has the right to take anything off me.

You are still grieving and coming to terms with the changes. This is hard work but you can do it. Coming here is it's own therapy if you can't find a support group. I am a strong believer in counselling so maybe you could try again to find someone who has more understanding of what you are going though.

If you arn't already I would also suggest maybe anti-depressants for a while. That sadness and hollow feeling is terrible to live with and yes I did feel that to. Plus panic attacks and anxiety. I needed extra help for a while and again I don't feel weak or lacking for doing so. Whatever it takes to get back to something called normal and looking forward rather than back. Time is maybe the greatest healer but getting though each day matters too. Don't forget that many of us also use some help sleeping and what a difference being able to get a decent nights sleep makes.

Love yourself and lift your head and chest out and off you go.

All the very best

Moira

Lily, you mentioned Spanish groups - have you visited the Spanish-language discussion boards of Breastcancer.org? Some of the members there are in Spain, and may be able to suggest local/regional support groups for you - or maybe connect with someone you can meet.

Best wishes
• Your Mods

Moira. Your words are always kind and incredible.



Brookside, that is a great idea.



Lily, I'm in a similar state. I'm learning it is a sad but normal part of BC. I went through 5 months of weekly taxol then had a mastectomy with reconstruction that caused immense muscle pain for months. When the heavy duty physical therapy finally got the pain down to non life threatening, all the emotions of what the hell just happened rolled into me. It's been nasty.



Added to this was that I couldn't afford a counselor because of the cost of the PT. I've been on these boards a lot, finally am able to afford a counselor and called breast cancer organizations to ask about support they might have. You're in England? Maybe look up BC organizations in your country and call. Many of them have different types of support. One here in the US called Sharsheret has been a life saver for me. May they all go straight to Heaven.



I'm so glad you're here talking. Breast cancer is not for sissies and isn't something to go through alone. It just sucks.

Hi Lily,

I agree w/the ladies here. A good therapist can help sort out these miserable feelings. I hate this friggin disease!

Hang in there. We are with you. This is a great community of amazing women and you are one of them

(((Hugs)))

Lily, glad you feel better. Perhaps talk to your doctor about going on to an AI instead, as Moira suggested. Being Stage IV would throw you right on back into depression, I think. It certainly has done bad things to my mental health.

Lily, I am lucky at this moment in that I am stable. Taxol worked for me.  The next chemo my doctor tells me will come with be what was called TDM-1, now called Kadycla.  It is Herceptin combined with a chemo agent so targets only the cancer cell. I am praying and knocking on wood that I won't need it, but that means I have to stay lucky.

And I very much understand quality of life.  I am very focused on that.