Newbie on this forum and just need someone to listen please

kaybritches100 · April 2013

kaybritches100 · April 2013

I have been reading this forum for some days recently. Wish I had of found you all months ago. I turned to Google for info and my research. Wrong thing to do. You all are wonderful, have knowledge as you have been there and such compassion. I have a wonderful husband and family. They though just don't get it all. Plus, I try not to worry them. I am still in a fragile place and try to hide it from my family. We have been through a lot in the last few years. I had 3 children. I lost my oldest son in 2011. He was 31. Then, in June 2012, I found the lump in my right breast.

I have already gone through the surgeries. My last chemo treatment was Dec. 6, 2012 and my last rad was Feb. 28, 2013. I was to receive A/C, but with a heart echo, a slight weaking of the middle heart muscle was discovered, I was given T/C. The tumor in the right breast was 2.9 cm. I had a mastectomy of the right breast and didn't reconstruct. I was given the injections before the mastectomy of the dye into my breast. Upon examination during surgery, there appeared to be no tumor in the sentinel node. Further pathology in the lab showed a 1.9 cm. tumor in the sentinel node. Exactly 2 weeks after the mastectomy, I had surgery to remove 10 auxillary nodes. All 10 nodes came back no cancer.

The left breast that I still have, did have several calcifications that were clustering. A needle core biopsy was performed and the clusters were benign.

After rads I was placed on Tamoxifen, as my cancer was estrogen receptor positive. Some SE's with the Tamoxofen, but the SE's are tolerable for me personally. I am taking the Tamoxifen faithfully and will continue to do so God willing the next 5 years.

I am a 2 time cancer survivor. Approximately 20 years ago, I had carcinoma of the uterus. It was in the very early stage. I had a partial hysterectomy with removal of the uterus and cervix. The ovaries were left. I wish the ovaries had of been removed then or that is how I feel now. I took estrogen after the hysterectomy for about 3 years. Then, stopped taking it by my own choice.

I received my one and only mammogram at age 50. I will be 56 in just a few weeks. My oldest child that passed in Jan. 2011, had been very ill since the later part of 2009. I took care of him. My focus was on my child and not myself. Then, when my son passed away, my whole world fell apart. I just didn't care. Which is normal for a grieving mother. Then, I accidentally found the tumor. I instantly went for testing, etc. I had 2 other children and a grandson that I needed to fight this cancer for. It was a 9 month process, but I hung in there and fought. I tried to keep as much of a positive attitude as I could under the circumstances.

I don't really know what I am trying to say here. Just reaching out to fellow sisters of breast cancer. You all are amazing!!! I guess there is a question, that I do need to ask. It is there deep inside of me. Before finding the lump, I knew months before, that I had cancer. Food did not taste good anymore, my appetite became very sluggish, weight loss, had low energy, fatigued and the general sense of not feeling well. I contributed it to the loss of my son. Maybe some of it was, but signs were there. My father passed away in 88 of bladder cancer. He complained of the same things. I gained 20 lbs. during my breast cancer. Some of it was steriods, but I only took steroids the day before chemo, the day of chemo and the following day. Yes, chemo was some hard physically on me. I will not deny that. Yet, on good days, I would have an appetite. After chemo was over, within maybe a month, I felt an improvement, if that makes any sense. Then, I started the rads. Still felt okay. Last few months though, the general sense of not feeling good is back, my appetite is sluggish again, food not tasting good to me and I am back down to the weight I was before finding the cancer. That warning bell is going off in my head again. I know my body has been through a lot during the battle of breast cancer. Put to sleep 4 times, chemo, radiation and Tamoxifen.

I guess the question is, do I give myself more time, to just recover from it all? I once had tons of energy before everything happened. I get up and try everyday with all I have in me. Just seems it is not there regardless though. Sorry this is so long. Just needed to talk. God bless each and everyone of you that are or have faced breast cancer. Any cancer for that matter. ♥

Moiralf · April 2013

Excellent name kaybritches100,

Reaching out here is good for the soul and by the sound of it your soul is still in alot of pain.

One of the thread here recently has been on PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, many of the responses talked about how it wasn't post but still continuing. You have been though so much in the last couple of years. I'm sure you have fought a great fight to do everything you can but fighting takes a toll on us both physically, emotionally and mentally. Then when the fighting is over the body demands attention to heal and recover. As you say, much as been done to your body and we don't bunce back without a cost.

The loss of your son is enough to take some time to recover and look forward again and then the whole prolonged battle with BC. You are still healing even if physically you feel like you should be past it all. Not true, in all ways the body is still needing loving care and so is the mind and spirit.

do you do things for "wellness". I never quite know how to state this but for me doing things that look after ever part of me is important to healing. Even when I'm not sick as such. For me it is things like exercise that I enjoy, coucelling when I feel the need to talk about stuff my family can't deal with, massage to relax body and mind, refelxology to try to help mmy body heal. Not whoo whoo stuff for me but for others that works too. Kind, caring things that promote a feeling of looking after the whole body, mind and spirit.

We often think we are sufficent unto ourselves and forget to be kind and caring to ourselves. Be kind ot your self and try to figure our for you what would promote total healing. It's not being selfish but rather healing from great trauma and helping your body and mind be in a place to look forward to whatever comes next.

Taking time ever day to stop and take deep breathes and say Hello life here I am.

If in a bit if time you still feel the same symptoms that bothered you before go back to your onc/doc but those feelings are so very normal for sadness and grief, stress. Make sure all your normal sort of things are fine, like iron levels, VitBs so that it's not something "simple" making you tired.

Coming here is good and can be very helpful but remember to live away from cancer too Don't let it take any more of your time that it already has.

I did find counselling with someone who understood the cancer dx very helpful. And maybe helping to deal with anything from your son's death. that is a heavy burden to overcome.

Be kind to yourself and look after you. Us women look after everyone else first and rarely stop to look after ourselves. Now it needs to be about you and finding what helps you.

Moira

P.S. I also find having a facial or beauty treatment great, browsing for delicious ear rings, necklaces wonderful and having coffee with friends. Whatever feeds the body and soul.

RMlulu · April 2013

Kaybritches100 - yes, give yourself time...and more time.

Be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself...you have been through a difficult period in your life. It takes time to process and grieve and heal. You will heal, but I think it's a daily choice.

I lost a son 5 years ago. It was crushing, but we have overcome. We did attend grief counseling which helped.,.everyone grieves differently.

DH completed a 3 yr battle of badder and is doing well, but it's taken a toll.

And now my BC. Almost done with rads and the HT to come.

There s a oncologist social worker at my center. If you have one please visit.,.great comfort and insight. Join a bc support group. Also your church may offer a safe setting to talk...ours offers counseling too.

There are so many ways to work through our lost our new normal...if you try you will find yours.

Focus on today. What makes your heart smile! What restores you and brings hope and love. Find yourself in theses...serving others ...playing it forward...accepting yourself and loving yourself. Write a legacy of life for grand kids

But be kind to your self:)

And be grateful...we all have so much to give thanks. Life is a blessing...share it!

(((Hugs)))

Maureen1 · April 2013

(((kaybritches100))) glad you found us and shared your story but so sorry for all you've had to face in such a short time...losing a child is every mother's fear and so hard to recover from...then to be blindsided by breast cancer yet you summoned the courage to fight cancer for a second time, thinking of your other 2 children and your grandson...it's no wonder you feel sluggish, have lost weight and don't have the energy you used to...I hope you are getting the help you need to cope with all of the trauma in your life...on another board we were just discussing the emotional pain of breast cancer, and that some need(ed) meds to help with the anxiety, sleeplessness, and/or depressed mood. We all need help and asking for help takes courage, for some of us that help may come from talking to someone else who understands and for others it may also mean medications to help us thru the dark hours so we can see the light and hope of life past breast cancer treatment...I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, I hope the darkness lifts soon...take care, (((Hugs))) Maureen

edwards750 · April 2013

I second that join a bc group. I did. It is one that was organized at my church. It has been such a relief to unload what ails me emotionally. Nowhere else can you vent w/o fear of someone not understanding or boring them to death because we are all together for the same reason. I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. My mother buried 2 sons before she died and my dad. The pain is off the chart and no way to begin to prepare for the grief so you do have to give yourself time to recover physically and even emotionally. A respite like a bc group or a bc advocate is def worth the effort. Try not to assume because you have the same symptoms that it is the same cause. I lost weight too and didnt realize it was the bc. Looking back there were other signs but I never felt a thing. And lastly dont be superwoman. Friends, neighbors, family members - whomever can give you a much needed break - I asked and you should too. Time and prayers will help and us of course...diane

msphil · April 2013

hello sweetie, you came to the right place, it is here you can vent and say what will help you heal, we have all been there and keep coming here to vent and ask questions or just to be with others that know your feelings, I was in the process of makinf wedding plans to my 2nd husband when I found the lump, I didn,t feel any different I was working and very busy with wedding. I was diagnosedwith idc, stage2 , 3 nodes, L mast with reconstruction(but my body rejected the expander) it hardned and went back into surgery to remove it, and3 months chemo before surgery and 3 months after nad rads and 5 yr on Tamoxifen and am now this yr 19 yrs Survivor, hang in there msphil

kaybritches100 · August 2013

I just wanted to come in and thank you wonderful insightful ladies for your kindness and understanding. Humbly and deeply appreciated. I hope you all are doing well and God bless. ♥

wintersocks · August 2013

Kaybritches,

I am very moved by your story and didn't want to read and run. Your grace and dignity has come through in your posting.

The lovely ladies have offered to you the best advice and trying to be kind to yourself, must be at the top of that list.

I lost my brother, he was 19 - many years ago now. The pain never goes away. I have 2 sons and the thought of losing them is unendurable. You have indeed endured the toughest toughest time.

I too am continuing with other health issues, at times it is just too too hard, I understand that. Please come here whenever you need a helping hand....

From across the water, I send love to you and best wishes for you to heal emotionally and physically.

Newbie on this forum and just need someone to listen please

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