Please weigh in on my 'BOUNDARIES"

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Lisa1637
Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi Everyone-

I feel a bit silly posting about this but I'm really bothered by it and was hoping to get some perspective (or at least an opportunity to vent).

I am in the Rad phase (starting my 4th week tomorrow) and a couple weeks prior to the start I emailed my co-workers letting them know I would not be available to do to workshops outside my area until after May 15th.

I received a request from a (male) co-worker about a doing a seminar in April.  I called him back and reminded him of the email.  He told me there was no one else to do it and that he 'knows what I'm going through.' Out of a sense of being a 'team player' I agreed to do it.  That was 3 weeks ago and as my SE's are increasing I am getting more and more angry that I didn't stick to my boundary.  Worse, I feel like despite my co-workers admission that he gets what I'm going thru (funny, since I didn't even know what it would be like), I feel he chose to serve his needs instead of respecting my initial request and the basis for it.

The other part that's bothering me is this feeling...oh, I should be able to do it...quit being a baby.  And then I think, maybe this is a lesson to learn to have compassion for myself, shut out those voices and honor the boundaries I set for myself.  I mean, really?...will the world come crashing down if I say no.

I woke up this morning with terrible pain/swelling in my breast...which got me even more upset.   

My apologies if this all seems a bit petty...especially given all the real hard stuff you ladies are going thru. 

But Cancer came to me to learn some lessons and I'm committed to do so!!

xo Lisa

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited April 2013

    No, Lisa, this is not petty or trivial at all! You are right and justified in having your boundaries. Unfortunately, we women teach each other to be people pleasers at our own expense far too often. Just as any worker has a sick day, you do too. Tell the co-worker to add you to the list of unavailable people and don't feel a pang of guilt. Oftentimes, when people say "I know what you are going through but (demand)" they really haven't the foggiest.

    Remind the co-worker of the e-mail, say you are not up to it and that your superiors are aware of your situation. It is his situation to handle and he is doing the company a disservice by even proposing someone who may not be well enough to deliver. The shame is on him. 

    One thing I thank cancer for: it dispelled any guilt I may have felt for not letting manipulative people have their own way.

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  • Lisa1637
    Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2013

    Thank you Athena!!

    I did feel manipulated.  Sometimes it's hard to identify that, especially when it's delivered with (disingenuous?) sympathy.  I mean, the guy kept repeating how much he is aware of my situation...oh, and his neice is going thru the same thing.  Really, geez!

    :) Lisa

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited April 2013

    I wonder if he even has a niece. :)

    Reminds me of one of my sisters who said "I know" you are short on cash, but could I please pony up money for a cruise.

    One is surrounded by "understanding" people, it seems. Wink

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  • Lisa1637
    Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2013

    Yep.  I'm going to thank BS for developing my BS meter...:)

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  • Beesie
    Beesie Member Posts: 12,240
    edited April 2013

    "Tell the co-worker to add you to the list of unavailable people and don't feel a pang of guilt."

    Absolutely.

    And be prepared for the reaction. Know exactly what you are going to say or write so that you don't get flustered or respond to the pressure. If your co-worker tries to get you to change your mind or if he makes a fuss, tell him that you realize that it's inconvenient for him that you are backing out on short notice, but you'd agreed originally against your better judgement and only because he had pressured you. Remind him again about your email stating that you would be unavailable until May 15th and that, given the circumstances and the reason for your unavailablity, you expect your wishes to be respected. Then leave it at that and don't get into any back-and-forth debate with him. Or, put all that into the first email and then respond to any negative feedback by saying "I've made my position clear and I've said all that I will say on this."

    Good luck!

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  • Lisa1637
    Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2013

    Thanks, Bessie!!  Really helpful for organizing my thoughts. 

    Especially since i find myself talking in my head and saying things like...'wasn't prepared for these SE's etc.' 

    The whole point of my initial email was to avoid these types of explanations...dealing with the unknown.  And yes, he did make me feel pressured which is why I caved!!

    So appreciate your advice!  xo Lisa

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited April 2013

    Just remind him of original email and say sorry i gave in under pressure before against my better judgment and i can not do anything until 15 may the earliest, please respect that - re send the same email if he challenges you and may be speak to your boss or copy him or her in on your Mail......may be also forward your original Mail to him....



    Don't be pressured ....

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  • minxie
    minxie Member Posts: 484
    edited April 2013

    Tell him the side effects are worse than you had thought they would be, and you are no longer available. And that's that. Your health comes first.

    I did rads last summer, and about 3/4 through I was needing a 4 hour nap each day. Right before it ended, my breast erupted in burns and severe pain. Rads starts out easy, but often doesn't stay that way. I ended up having to take additional leave from work because of the increased SEs and they were not happy and gave me a hard time when I got back. Screw 'em. This is cancer, not the sniffles.

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  • Lisa1637
    Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2013

    Lily...'Don't be pressured.'....I will heed that...thank you! xo

    Minxie...You're right about rads starting out easy.  I really thought it was going to be a non-event after week one...different story now, and not quite at the turnaround point. 

    I'm sorry they gave you a hard time at work!  Such unnecessary added stress!!

    "This is Cancer, not the sniffles."  LOVE IT!!!

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  • Cowgirl13
    Cowgirl13 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited April 2013

    Lisa, great advice from Beesie.  I second it!

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  • danawp
    danawp Member Posts: 99
    edited April 2013

    He obviously doesnt know what you are going through, or he would not have asked!  You set boundries.  He was completely 100% wrong to overstep those boundries.  Call back and cancel.  Be firm about how you set boundries for a reason, and be 'slightly apologetic' (if you want) about how you gave in because you do truly want to be helpful, and mostly that you are disappointed that you gave in and have to cancel, but even more disappointed that he even asked!!  Good luck.  He's wrong -- not you!

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  • Lisa1637
    Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2013

    Thank you Cowgirl...:)

    Really appreciate the reassurance danawp!!

    The trick next time is to stick with my gut and conviction!!

    Thank you ladies!! xo

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited April 2013

    It's been a year and a half since I finished radiation.  Sometimes I'm asked which was harder, chemo or rads?  My answer: chemo was rough, radiation is a different kind of rough.  I had 33 rad treatments.  I became increasingly more exhausted the longer I went.  Also, it was only about six months after I finished rads that I realized I felt a bit more like myself and came to realize the toll the treatments had taken on me.

    Don't allow anyone to downplay what you're experiencing~this includes yourself!  If you need to back out of the April seminar, be professional about it but don't feel guilt.  If the coworker makes snide remarks or backhanded complaints, smile, be polite, and stand your ground.  

    I've had several instances where coworkers put pressure on me to do things that I don't think I need to do.  I learned to stand my ground.  It is very satisfying.  Take care of yourself.

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  • Denise-G
    Denise-G Member Posts: 1,777
    edited April 2013

    I firmly believe I got breast cancer because my boundaries were terrible before cancer in relationships.  Through cancer, I had to learn what firm and appropriate boundaries were.  It is a hard and difficult lesson. 

    I am proud of you that you are learning the lesson.  DO NOT GO BACK on your lesson!!   You get an A plus when you tell him to forget it and put yourself first!!

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  • Lisa1637
    Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2013

    Thank you TheDivine! 

    ...despite going through this tough period, I do have this strange and new sense of joy, which I think is the satisfaction you talked about when you finally get that your worth it.  I am so glad you're feeling more like yourself and thank you for sharing your experience!! 

    Denise...This Cancer has been a huge wake up call to be the kind of person I want to find in the world, to others and myself.  I know I dodged a bullet and I see myself behaving in new and healthier ways.  I so appreciate your support and encouragement!!!  xo Lisa

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  • feelingfeline
    feelingfeline Member Posts: 5,664
    edited April 2013

    Hi Lisa,

    I really hope you have got this co-worker off your back by now.

    To add to the encouragement here: 3 things told to me by 2 different women.

    1) "No" is a full sentence.

    Where someone is pressuring you, giving excuses/apology only gives them ammunition to argue with you, puts you having to come up with more excuses. Short and sweet. Less is more. If you have already got into apology mode and suddenly realised this person is not hearing you, alarm bell to immediately switch to the short (very short) reply.

    2) "Stuck Record" Technique

    (if you are old enough to remember what a stuck record sounds likeLaughing)This technique helps you stay on track with the short reply. Just keep repeating "I'm not available until May 15th" or similar. The other person goes blablabla at you, you just say the same line in response each time. In a phone conversation it is handy to have your chosen mantra written down in front of you and simply read it off in reply each time. The jerk on the line will get tired of it and give up.

    3) The reply "Let me get back to you on that" is a useful habit to cultivate

    - this is for more general situations rather than specific jerk ones.

    Practise it even on things you know you are going to say yes to, to get in the habit. This reply allows you more breathing room when it comes to the type of decisions you might need time for, and gets other people in the habit of seeing you treat yourself as deserving space and are not just an instant "yes" on everything. BTW it's also very useful with children.

    (I would guess your co-worker disrespecting you was NOT one of the number 3, general type of occasions.)

    Very best wishes to you.

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  • Lisa1637
    Lisa1637 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2013

    Thank you feeling feline!

    And I can't say enough of how appreciative I am for the support here.  The blessing of a Cancer diagnosis has been that it has held a mirror up and has revealed where I'm stuck, and where I have been selling myself short...

    Feeling feline, your 3 pieces of advice has been filed away for future use.  The second one about 'deserving space' really resonated with me.  I'm putting the first one under the header, 'When you're explaining you're losing." :)

    The other thing that came to my mind from your advice was how often out of wanting to help, step up to the plate, we take on a problem we shouldn't.  I say this because my co-worker's biggest argument was, 'there's no one else to do it.'  My new position, now, is well take THAT to the boss....not my problem!

    Denise...A+ for me!!  Sent an email yesterday (struggled with decision to call instead but then I'd create chance for stammering etc)). It was concise and clear and attached my initial email with my clear boundary.  No room for further discussion.  Those moments are truly empowering!!

    Thank you ladies!!  xoxoxo Lisa

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  • feelingfeline
    feelingfeline Member Posts: 5,664
    edited April 2013

    Well done Lisa! YAAAAY!

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited April 2013

    feelingfeline, your post with the 3 things told to you by two different women is some of the VERY  BEST ADVICE I HAVE EVER READ.  And I read A LOT!  I am going to bookmark the post, because it is simply EXCELLENT.

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  • feelingfeline
    feelingfeline Member Posts: 5,664
    edited April 2013

    Thanks Divine. The two women who passed that wisdom along to me are pretty special. XXX

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  • danawp
    danawp Member Posts: 99
    edited May 2013

    Super Feelingfeline!  I do much better handling confrontation when I have a strategy...I've used these from time to time (especially broken record), but a reminder is always helpful!

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited May 2013

    I'm currently practicing the "stuck record" advice.  There's a dinner in honor of several employees at work who are retiring.  Its on an evening in the middle of the week and cost $16.50 per person for a spaghetti buffett.  Way too much money for that.  We also are asked to donate $20 for the gift.  The gift money I'll give, but several people have asked me if I am going to the dinner and my standard reply is "I don't have plans to go."  And I've repeated the same thing to anyone who asks.

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  • feelingfeline
    feelingfeline Member Posts: 5,664
    edited May 2013

    Way to go Divine. XXXLaughing

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