Feeling alone...my husband has disconnected.

I don't know if you'll get this. My boyfriend and I just had a big ol fight. Hes been keeping secrets because he didnt want to upset me. Lying to my face about some of it. I just lost my mind.



I found what you write so helpful. I don't know how any if this will play out but I was able to find a little compassion for the clueless man.



Cynthia



Dx 12/21/12, DM 1/9 stage II (downgraded from stage III), A/C x 4 Taxol x 12 rads 6 weeks, herceptin

Wow! Wish I would have found this ages ago! Was feeling like I'm the only one going thru this: married 20+ years and my husband just doesn't care. So many interesting thoughts here and I appreciate the men's POV - gives me things to think about.

My history: Had my 1st mx back in 1996 with 14-yr old step son and almost 3-yr old daughter. Hubby was very affected by BC and his coping was to try to make me see all the positive (he was really feeling the fear) but I needed time to accept what was happening. I just wanted a little time to adjust to new "normal" and cry a little bit. He bossed me into doing it his way even while saying bc didn't affect how he felt about me. He was supportive & loving when I went thru chemo with my bald head.

Meanwhile, other problems developed, our marriage wasn't all rosy and he didn't want to deal with anything. Liquor has been his friend. That's a huge source of the problem.

2nd bc DX back in Sept. so I decided to do recon for both sides this time. Decision was for me, not him. Tired of "the hole in my chest" look, how it affected my self-esteem and how i had to dress so very conservatively. Kids are now grown and out of the house. He insisted for mx hospital stay to have extra bed so he could spend the night with me (he didn't stay). He had been unemployed for a while (till recently) so work pressure wasn't an issue. Before mx friends offered to bring dinners and help me in any way, but he made such a stink, I declined their offers. He did nothing much for me: I've done all my own laundry (not his) all along, had to make my own meals, but he did take me to most of my appts. He gives me my 1 hug a day (at the most) along with a peck on the lips. Since before DX he said he really wanted just to hold me in bed and that hasn't happened yet. Really? Am I that awful? Have rarely slept in our bed because I can't get comfy with TE's, but mainly it's just too sad sleeping alone in the same bed. My only companions have been my cats (recently lost my guardian cat).

Just realized the other night that I hope I'm not having unrealistic expectations for exchange surgery in a couple weeks, I just want to feel pretty again FOR ME, not for him.

Sorry this is so long, now that I found an appropriate place to vent, I just need to get this off my chest (ha ha!).

Oh Maddy that is so hard and painful. Yes, you go girl get the surgery for you because it may help you feel better. I am astonished at the behaviour of your husband. Maybe I am not astonished, just feel sad about it. You deserve to be hugged and loved.

I had reconstruction done on the breast, but no nipple yet. I am also thinking of having it done for me. Husband was sort of there for me, but one week after surgery wanted to leave. He has been wanting to leave ever since and when I am not lovely and perfect, he tells me again he wants to go his own way. By mistake or godly intervention I found out on our holiday that he has signed up for a dating site. This evening he is out and it looks like he is checking his phone in the car. I am pretending now to be so cool and unconcerned, but inside I am so sad.

Once my face does not look so tired and tarnished from crying I will put on my party dress and high heels, put on the makeup and pretend I am going out with the girls downtown. In reality I would probably go over to my friends house for tea and cry some more and have the damn makeup sting my eyes.

I really hope you have people to support you. When I read that you wrote your story on March 23, I thought oh god I need to reply.

Hugs