How can I help my daughter best?

In my opinion the best thing that you can do is offer her rides if she needs them. Offer to cook a meal or go grocery shopping for her if she needs it during treatment. She may not want to talk about it. You can do this in a way that doesnt seem intrusive to her for example... " Hey Im going to the store can I pick you up anything?" or "Im running some errands in your area do you want me to bring lunch and we can chat?" My neice just had a reccurrence of her osteosarcoma and is getting set up for surgery chemo and radiation. I have tried to talk to her but she basically told me she just doesnt want to talk about it. She wants to carry on with life as normal. When I was sick in treatments I was thankful for those who brought me meals for my family and they did some dishes but I didnt want them in my house cleaning. My house was trashed and it was embarrassing to have people in there cleaning. After many fights when I basically told them if they intrude on my privacy again I will lock the doors and shut them out. They gave in and did what I needed and wanted done not what they thought needed to be done. You have to let her be in charge. Thats crucial. We have no control over this beast and its important for us to have control. Just be there to listen and pick up clues to what she wants. Let her know that you are available if she needs anything and whatever you do try real hard to not cry or worry in front of her. Always speak positive thoughts. Tell her she will beat this. And pray. My heartfelt prayers are sent to you and your family. Hugs

Kirismum, I am so so sorry for you and your daughter.  I hope that the biopsy results are negative.  I think it's so wonderful that you are focusing on what you can do to help your daughter despite your own fears and concerns; your daughter is lucky to have you.

I was diagnosed at 31, and while it has been so difficult (as unfortunately everyone on these boards know), my mother got me through it.  She was so amazing...I tear up everytime I think about how wonderful and supportive she has been, and I am so grateful for her.  While I can't say what would help your daughter best, I know that what really helped me was that my mother stayed really calm (I knew she was incredibly upset, and we would talk about it, but I got to be the hysterical one, if you know what I mean) and she was always there for me.  If I wanted to come home to my parents' house, she would spend the wknd making food I liked, watching movies I liked with me...really anything that would cheer me up or at least occupy me.  She went to every dr's appt I asked her to, and she understood when I didn't want her to come, or didn't want to go to my parents' house, or wanted to do something independent in the process.  She listened to me keep up a basically non-stop "my cancer" loop of stress, worry, etc.  I can remember one day during the A/C portion of my chemo, I was so weak and fragile and sick, and she just held me while I cried.  I don't think I could have gotten through it all without her. 

I wish you and your daughter the best and will hope for a negative biopsy result, and for you both to have the strength to get through this and support eachother during this impossibly difficult time.

I just wanted to add 1 more thing. I became sick of pink ribbons and little cancer stories like on facebook. I would always get gifts that had pink ribbons on it and its just a reminder that I didnt need. Also is there anyway that if you were needed you could go stay with her through treatment if she wanted you to. If that is possible just let her know that you are available or that she can come home to go through treatment. But dont say anything until you have the bx results. We all pray they are negative but always be prepared with a plan in case they are not. When will you know the results? I will continue to lift your family up in prayer.

The fact that you are here asking this question shows you are a very caring, loving and concerned mother.  I have to say I felt so bad for my loved ones (especially my parents), and readily admit I would sooner be the one with cancer then a close loved one of someone who has cancer.  When I was going through my cancer treatment, I knew how I felt emotionally and physically, but those around me had not clue unless I told them, and a lot of times I didn't have the emotional energy to have that conversation.  It was very hard for them to know what was the right thing to say and/or do.  

Very little bothered me with people as far as what they did/said during that time, although it was difficult for me to handle the occasional emotional outburst of those I loved reaching out to me for reassurance that everything was going to be alright.  I was having a hard enough time dealing with cancer emotionally myself the way it was.  I had no energy or ability to comfort the people that sought emotional reassurance from me during that time, and found that very draining.  However, you need to process this emotionally, so my advice would be find a close friend (other then your daughter) where you can openly voice your fears and show your emotions.  That is very important for you to have, but from my experience, I couldn't be that person for my mom or anyone else when I was going through treatment.

I was 33 and had four young children when I was diagnosed, so I probably needed my mom in a different capacity then your daughter needs you.  I went through multiple surgeries where I couldn't even lift my children for weeks afterwards, and with a one year old and a two year old, they needed grandma to be there to take care of them, so that was how my mom cared for me... by caring for my children.

Things people did for me that stick out in my mind as incredibly helpful, mostly rotate around them caring for my children when I couldn't.  However, here is a list of things that helped that were not kid related:

vacuuming for me (surgeries made it hard to vacuum) - maybe you could hire a cleaning service to come in every couple of weeks for her?

making meals - being that you live so far away, maybe gift her with some gift cerificates to her favorite restaurants that deliver food?

care packages - one of the best care packages I remember was a simple basket filled with disposible plates, napkins, and utensils - there were also some yummy cinnamon rolls on the side. :-)

phone calls (or even simple notes on email or facebook) on days where I had treatments/procedures meant a lot to me

I have a basket I have kept, filled with cards/notes/letters I received from people during my treatments.  I loved the occasional note in the snail mail from people letting me know they cared and wanted to brighten my day.

Send her a gift that celebrates her and her beauty.  Going through cancer treatment can make a woman forget her beauty, or at least focus on it much less.  Remind her of how beautiful and special she is with a bottle of body lotion, a pretty bracelet/necklace/earrings, or other things that will help her feel feminine.

Offer to come and stay with her, if you can.  I was comfortable enough with my mom, that I could tell her not to come if I really didn't want her to, although the offer still was comforting.

Depending on your daughter's personality, find something fun to do with her before big tests/procedures/treatments that takes her mind off medical stuff, if you can make the trip.  I went bowling and went out to eat with family/friends before my big procedures... I found that helpful.  Since you live so far away, maybe a gift card to her favorite store, so she can go shopping for something she loves. 

I too, found pink ribbon products, for the most part to be hard to deal with.  There are a few things (especially hand made items) that had pink ribbons on them that I cherish (a quilt, a dress for my baby daughter, a hair pretty for my daughter).  However, mass produced items targeting families/loved ones to buy pink ribbon items were just a reminder I didn't enjoy.

I wish for benign results for you daughter so you don't have figure out how to deal with this heavy news, but I understand wanting to be prepared, as well.  Hopefully my experience will help you help her, if need be.  I have heard many many stories of things showing up on scans that appear ominous, only to have the biopsy come back benign.  Hoping your daughter will be one of these encouraging stories!

I second all the opinions that you are an amazing mom and she's darn lucky to have you.



Just as background, I recently started on my BC venture in January and am 33 and married. I asked my mom to come support me through surgery, but now she's decided on her own that she's living with me the rest of the year. She has a very strong personality and is wanting to "fix" things for me. She doesn't realize that she doesn't ask me what I really want or need, she tells me it. After me gently trying to tell her to tone things down, she turns into an emotional mess and is hurt that I don't appreciate all the things she's done for me. In turn she ends up stressing me and my husband out. Both my husband and i have butted heads with her on several occassions already. She's stubborn enough and is extremely set in her ways, and I can't change that about her, so this will be a rough few months for me on top of dealing with treatments. If I ask her to go home, it will be world war 3. However, she's done an awesome job in taking care of me during this post surgery period and my place hasn't looked this good in the longest time.



In my rambling way, bottom line is exactly what others have said earlier-- you will want to protect her and do everything for her to try and fix things. However, let her tell you what she needs and please don't be hurt if there's something you think you should be a part of but she doesn't ask you for. Sometimes she will not want to talk about cancer, and if you get that vibe, try to go with the flow. I know sometimes BC is just as hard on family just as the person with it. I know being out of the loop is pretty hard, she may also be trying to protect you from worrying too much. If she is as great of a person as you are, she knows how much pain this causes you too. I know I don't take my mom to my doctor visits because she will worry about every little thing that is said, and I don't want her to stress out over something that I can handle. I do want her to get her sleep .



Best of luck with your daughter and hopefully the findings will be benign!!! There are so many benign things that cause these false positives and unfortunately are only amplified because we have BC.



As a daughter, I salute you for being such a caring and great mom!

A lot of great advice above. However, I would be careful with statements like, "I know you're going to beat this."   I'm stage IV now, and when loved ones say something like that, it seems like they are in denial and trying to make themselves feel better. I am not going to beat this, but I do want to live the life I have in as full a way possible. Part of coming to terms with Stage IV is dealing with the fact that it will most likey take us in the end. I don't know when that end could be-hopefully years- but I definitely will not beat this.  When people tell me I will, I think they just don't know what I'm dealing with.

  If her results are benign, then, of course, the possibility does exist.  But just be there. Talk about the future isn't as helpful as being there for her in the present. 

 Best wishes for you and your dear daughter, and for good, clean scans. You sound like a wonderful mother.

The organization Cleaning for a Reason is available to help - linked below.  I also think frequent loving gestures would be appreciated - emails, texts, little gifts, etc. reminding her that you love her and are there for her, and always thinking of her. If you cook, maybe when you visit at some point fill her freezer with things that can be eaten later, or as others have said, gift cards for takeout.  I agree that you need to take your cues from her - if she wants to discuss her cancer/treatment/worries then do that, but if she doesn't don't bring it up.  Be careful with platitudes - most of us hate them, and certainly when things are looking serious they are useless.  This time period has to be about her, not about you. I think also managing communication with other family members and friends (who may not be helpful) so that they don't bother her could be helpful.  It has to be the most difficult thing to watch your child have this experience and feel helpless, I have a 23 year old daughter and I cannot imagine dealing with something like this.  During my treatment I was very careful not to put any of my fears on my children, and I did not want them to have to support me emotionally, even though they are adults.  My daughter never cried in front of me - only with my husband, because she didn't want to show me how scared she was, and cause me any more worry.  Fortunately, he is a warm and fuzzy dad and was there for her (and me!) and they comforted each other.  They spent a lot of time together in waiting rooms!  I realize that the roles are reversed here, but as a parent your responsibility is to support her - not voice your fear, or wring your hands when you are around her.  It is important that you do that with someone else and only show her your strength and support.  Hoping for the best for both of you.

http://www.cleaningforareason.org/

I'm so sorry for what you & your family are going through.

I thought I'd chime in here too, coming from a slightly different perspective as a young woman  without contact with my family. No one in my family knows I have BC. I don't know your daughter but from the little you've said here, she reminds me of myself, in that I prefer to be independent & do things my own way. My family doesn't know about my BC because we aren't in contact at all, but even if we were on speaking terms I suspect I'd keep my parents at arm's length too, partly to protect them, and partly to preserve my privacy & space. As a mom myself, I know it must be so hard to feel emotionally cut off from your daughter, but I also encourage you to trust her to know what she wants/needs right now, and to let her have a bit of space if that is what she seems to want.

I would NOT confide your fears in her. She has enough to handle just managing her own fears. Confide in your friends, spouse, therapist, etc. but not in her. It's not fair really, but you need to let her confide in you (if she wishes) but kind of make it a one-way street. I don't mean you can't be human but you need to be strong for her and draw strength from others -- not from her. She cannot be the one to reassure you.

I think it's amazing that you are seeking out advice from the women here! It shows how much you care & respect her. I can think of some ideas of how to support her, but everyone is so different in what they want. Can I suggest that you ask her what she needs right now? Perhaps you could make a list of things you could do (send care packages; pay for meal delivery or cleaning services; visit for a week; research treatments; set up a meal train for her; etc.) and let her know these are the things you'd be willing to do to help her, and ask her which, if any, would be most helpful to her. Then you're not just saying, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," you are making specific offers, but leaving her space to reject any that don't feel right to her.

If I was able to let my mom support me through this right now, I think I'd appreciate things like a container of the cookies she baked when we were little, cards in the mail, a gift card to my favorite store or restaurant, an offer to visit just for fun on a weekend when I'm feeling well, things like that. But that's me, not your daughter, and only she can tell you what would mean the most to her. 

I truly hope her biopsies turn up benign. Hugs to you!

So sorry to hear this news, I know you all must be very frightened.  It is a cliche, but you have to take it one day at a time.  Both my dad and brother had stage IV cancer, and honestly, there are good days and bad ones.  As when your daughter was diagnosed before, when you have a treatment plan in place and fewer unanswered questions you may relax a bit.  Sending you strength, and it sounds like your reponse to your daughter was excellent, just what she needs.  I will be thinking of you.

I'm so sorry for you & your family & your daughter. I'm glad she is reaching out to you. I can't imagine what you're going through, I don't have experience with Stage IV, hopefully others will be able to chime in. I will say to start building yourself your own support system -- maybe a therapist or support group, friends, church, etc. -- so that you can be the best support possible for your daughter, and also so that you can have the best possible quality of life yourself as you go through this with her.

Big hugs and sending you hope, strength, and peace.

I am truly so very sorry to hear this. I think your response to her was perfect. Try to take the time that you need to cry or get mad and get it out of your system before you see her. She needs you as the rock that she can lean on. I am praying for you. There is a thread on the Stage IV breast cancer for family. You can post there and I am sure some of our stage iv'ers will answer any of your questions.

edited to add link.    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/144

I just read your daughter's post on another thread... I am so sorry... she is indeed young. But perhaps that can work in her favor. She seems determined to do whatever she can do to live, snd live long. I do believe in the power of positive thinking, and so as her mom, I woud support that. One day at a time, one treatment at a time, but believe she will be here in 30 years. Believe that she will be here for her boyfriend and cats that she wrote about. And I do believe it is all possible. I have heard some amazing stories of remission. Positive thinking!!!

Dear KrisMum, my heart goes out to you and your beautiful daughter who is so brave, and has such dignity in the face of this Stage IV diagnosis. It brings tears to my eyes, and you can be so, so proud of who she is. Her BF also seems to be a real blessing too. You are indeed on the right track as far as supporting her, and respecting her boundaries as difficult as it may be at this time. Faye and others here have given you very good practical advice as to what you can do to help your child. I have a lovely daughter and DIL about the age of yours, and my biggest fear is that they may have to deal with something like this down the line. Although I am a bc survivor, I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. Like melmbcee I lift you and your family up in prayer. Keep hope alive, and live just for the moment. Big hugs to you all!

I am not a young woman but I know that the last thing your young daughter wants to hear is your fears for her. She is so lucky, you sound so wonderful, she is so lucky to have your support and a mother who is on this board asking others how to best support. 

Maybe there is a support group for you ? I know where I am, at sloan kettering, there are many opportunities/support groups for caregivers/family members. If you had such a thing near to you, and could tap into it, it would be very helpful for you.

The handful of young women I met during the 'journey" (at Sloan Kettering support group) very much wanted to connect with being young and normal vs sick. And that seemed very healthy to me. So I think the suggestions above that have to do with keeping your daughter feeling attractive as she goes through treatment are good.

I think what is most important is to be sensitive and to LISTEN to her.  Tell her you don't want to do the wrong thing and to let you know when it is. And then, when she does, LISTEN and HEAR it.  It's very hard but try not to let her know your fears. You can bet she has them, and you can bet she knows that you have them too.  That's why it would be good if you had an outlet for your own fears and anxiety, because it can't be your daughter.