Please, God. Enough Already.

So I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer to the liver February 2012.  5 solid months of weekly Taxol later, and I was nearly disabled.  I told my doctor I couldn't do the chemo anymore. Frankly, I was starting to think that life was not worth living if it was going to be me laying on the couch, disabled.

I come off the chemo in June 2012 and am very, very lucky that the cancer has been stable since.  I am very, very lucky. I know this.  I'm desperately trying to not focus on the idea of it going unstable.

November 2012 I finally have a double mastectomy.  I was damned if I was going to leave the cancer pockets on my body to produce more of this crap. I opted for immediate reconstruction. There was my mistake. Mastectomy good, reconstruction bad. For 3 months after the reconstruction, I was in constant and chronic pain.  Again, I was starting to think life was not worth living.  I finally pushed my plastic surgeon to give me a stronger muscle relaxant, and found a very good physical therapist who has worked on every muscle to loosen and release the spasmed pain (pectoral, pectoral minor, serratus, clavicle, scapular).  I am still in pain but not even close to what I was.

January 2013 my counselor, who has been key to helping me through this, develops cancer himself.  I become his cancer angel, meaning I lose major support.  Then I cannot afford to find another therapist due to the expensive PT I am receiving and to the fact that any decent counselor in the Washington, DC area will not take insurance, meaing I would have to float the money for counseling.  I put that on hold.

Now March 2013.  Many of my main support people seem to be unavailable due to life circumstances, and my ex boyfriend who offered some support via email, decides that I'm not showing enough gratitude so decides to tell me how horrible my death will be and how I could be in that spot, so should be grateful. Needless to say, he is out of the picture. 

I am doing my best to find support, but feel increasingly isolated and not sure who I can talk to.  One challenge is that people who haven't been through this, or something similar, can say things that do more harm than good.  On top of this, last week someone on the Stage IV board who I knew died. That was my first experience with someone dying who has the same thing I do.  It was sad and it was terrifying all at once.  I want to live my life while I'm alive, and still, it's hard to deal with this constant cancer in my life.  I'd love to move on.

This feels like a never-ending trip through Hell.  I don't believe that God does these things to people, btw.  And I certainly don't see this as a cosmic lesson.  But I do want a break.  I'm realizing recently just how hurt, sad and angry I am about all of this.

I am angry that I am Stage IV.

I'm pissed as hell that my gynecologist had dropped me down to mammograms every two years.  Maybe they could have found this crap a year earlier and I wouldn't have gone Stage IV.

I am mad as hell and so, so sad that I have had to endure disabling chemotherapy, and that I stupidly chose to get reconstruction, resulting in immense pain that I could have avoided (really pissed about that).

And I am so, so sad that I have no idea how to get support or who to turn to.  I do my best to reach out, and keep on running up against people who are just too busy or wrapped up in their own life crisis.  I would like to go one week without someone saying something stupid like my ex boyfriend did, or someone dying.  I just want a break.

I want to pretend that this cancer is no longer there, that I will never have to deal with it again.  I want the feeling in my fingers and hands to come back.  I want my muscles to stop gripping in such a painful way.  I want my goddamn life back.   I am so tired of this.  I am f'ing tired of this. And I am mad as hell, which usually means I'm sad as hell.  I feel like throwing things.  I feel like knocking down walls with sledge hammers.  I feel like kicking tires. And after I finish all the kicking and screaming, I just want someone to hold me and let me cry.  Because I'm just so sad.

Screw this cancer. Just screw it.

Rozem. Thank you so much for your kind words. Seems like you've had similar experience with the reconstruction. That part has made this much worse. I'm doing pt with lots of work on muscles. Insurance covers that but co pay for twice a week, I can't afford anything else. A group called Sharsheret that supports women with breast and ovarian cancer has been kindly providing weekly calls with one of their social workers. But that's not long term. Support groups around here are either during day or just after work. Was thinking of starting my own support group a little later in evening. Either way I keep trying things.



But just hearing from others here makes a big difference. So thank you for responding. Means a lot.