Dying of alcoholism

Julie, I grew up with an alcoholic mom and an absentee father, so I have a little bit of knowledge of what you and your kids are going through.  If you've ever been involved in Al-Anon, you know that you are powerless over this disease, and it is unfortunate that it manifested into such a painful end.  The only thing that you have control over this situation is you.  You can be there for your kids (are there support groups, such as Ala-Teen, in your part of the world?  How about Al-Anon for you?).  Work on your health so you can be there for your kids in the future.  They will respond positively to your efforts of stepping up to the challenges you face.  You won't be perfect, but you can persevere. 

I know saying all this is easy for me.  What you are facing is hard--very hard.  You'll need to set up a support system and routine that works for you.  If you need help with doing that, I will be glad to help.

We all want our kids to never have to go through such pain or awful experiences.  But, not all of us have that kind of opportunity.  And many of us who did go through that learned from it, became strong, and have healthy adult lives. 

jg...What a terrible situation for you and your children. I agree with doxie that there are other people in their lives so if I were you I would def make sure they nurture those relationships. We all wish our children and our families were like June and Ward Cleaver...for you younger ones they are from leave it to beaver and often referred to as the best kind of parents...wow have times changed. Okay I digress...my husband was an alcoholic and I didnt even know it. He didnt go on binges but he did drink a few beers everyday. Some people have the misconception that you have to be a drunk to be an alcoholic. Not so. You probably already know that. Anyway my husband had to nearly take his life for him to get the wake up call. He already had depression issues and wasnt diligent about taking his meds. By the grace of God he wasnt successful in his suicide attempt. What it did to was put my son, the youngest who was 11 and the other one at home, in an emotional and financial tailspin. Husband recovered after it was touch and go in the Trauma Center but couldnt swallow or work for months and months so I can relate to the financial pressure firsthand. Fast forward to now he hasnt had a drink since 2002 but this same son parties and drinks too much. He has had incident after incident and alcohol is always the root cause. He is graduating from college in a few months. He works hard at a job and is very smart but alcohol controls his life. I have been to Al Anon too and husband went with son to AA meetings. We sent him to rehab, halfway house, drug court...you name it we did it. We prayed, begged, threatened and on and on. It is a disease and one that we cannot fix. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to literally be both parents to your children. The thing is you havent had a recurrence. We all get the fear factor...it is alive and well for all of us. Give yourself peace of mind by having other people they know they can turn to for help and try not to worry about IT coming back. You will make yourself crazy doing that. I should know I dont take my own advice. As for being overweight if you can I would exercise more...take a walk it is good for you emotionally and physically. Trust me I am not dispensing advice I dont need to take myself. I have gained a few pounds actually from Tamoxifen. Its depressing as all get out. So I am on the treadmill every other day and walking in between. When the weather breaks I am going to ride my bike. You are stronger than you think you are. Your children already know that. You have done raised them by yourself in the wake of dealing with this beast and that is no easy task. I would reach out to people for yourself as well. Your children will be okay...they already are thanks to you. Good luck. Prayers are with you and your family. Diane

JG - I've seen an alcoholic death - an aunt who decided that alcohol was more important to her than family, friends, and life itself.  It's hard to watch and I'm sorry that your ex decided to value alcohol over his kids.  But your kids sound like they're pretty grounded, and the great thing they have going for them is you. 

If you want some support on your diet/exercise program, hop over to the "Let's Post Our Daily Exercise" thread on the Fitness and Getting Back into Shape section.  It's a simple thread - you post your daily exercise, whether it's a walk to the corner and back or 30 minutes on the elliptical or doing an exercise DVD. Regulars include women at all stages of treatment and all stages of fitness and weight - but we all have one thing in common:  We understand that regular exercise and achieving/keeping a normal weight is one of the best things we can do to minimize recurrence.  We support each other, and even give a gentle nudge now and then when someone needs it.     It's also a fun thread - we've swapped recipes, shared each others joys and sorrows, and have a lot of fun.  C'mon over!

Dearest JG:

I can relate to so much in your post.  Alcoholism, death due to alcohol abuse, no child support, worries about the kids, etc.  Have you ever noticed how some people seem to skate through life and never seem to have any real challenges while others seem to be challenged at every turn?  Many ancient texts (including the Bible) talk about this.  God tests us according to our ability to handle it.  I believe He does this out of His love for us ... to help us grow.  He tests all of us.  Some people can deal with a great deal of difficulty, others can't seem to handle even the smallest challenge.  A counselor shared an example of this with me.  He said one of his patients is currently distressed because her husband wants to paint the bedroom olive green.  She hates green and insists that the walls remain white.  She wasn't able to even entertain the idea of a compromise so the counselor met with her and her husband.  To his distress, he discovered that the woman's husband was just as uncompromising.  It would seem to us that they really have no idea what a real challenge is, but their distress and anguish over paint color is just as painful to them as the challenges we face as cancer patients.  You can also look at someone who is very heavy and out of shape starting an excersize program.  It is just as hard for them to do two sit ups as it is for an excersize enthusiast to do 100 sit ups.  As they progress, they will be able to do more without any more pain.  Or you can see it like how a person matures through their life.  Some people are able to learn and mature while others age but never seem to grow.  God knows where each of us is in our spiritual maturity and will challenge us accordingly.  The simple fact that you face so many challenges ... each one difficult in itself, but very complicated when combined with the others ... is evidence that you are far more mature and resilient than you imagine yourself to be.  I have learned to pray the simplest, yet most difficult prayer of all:  "Thy will be done."  I have learned to trust Him without conditions because I know that everything He does is out of His love for me.  The beauty of it is that it doesn't matter what your religion or spiritual beliefs, it works for everyone.  Even an atheist can surrender their will to the will of the universe.  He has been running this universe for a long time, long before any of us showed up on the scene, and He will be here long after we leave it.  Do what you can and then trust Him to take care of the kids.  Remember, we were kids once and our parents worried about us the same as we worry about our children.  It's wasted energy really.  I love what my mother said to my siblings and me when I was a child:  "You are God's children.  He just loaned you to me for a little while."

I can only recommend one approach to diet, the only thing that has ever worked for me.  Reduce sugar intake to no more than 8 gm (2 teaspoons) per day.  Sugars include all grains.  Eat a diet of grass-fed meats and free-range poultry, eggs, dairy products (no milk, or whole milk only), vegetables, and small amount of berries.  Read labels carefully.  You will be surprised how much sugar is in products that are supposed to be good for us (i.e. yogart, low-fat products).  Don't worry about fat content - only sugar content.  Good fats provide energy.  When the body is no longer overwhelmed with sugar, it will burn fat like crazy!  I lost 30 pounds in the first two months and maintained a healthy weight on this diet.  Others have lost hundreds of pounds on this diet.  Give it a try.  You have nothing to loss but excess weight and you will feel great!

Best wishes to you and your children!

Sometimes we have to create our own good luck Julie.  And embrace our reality, no matter how sucky it is.  Then build from it.  

Dear JG:

I am currently going through a divorce. My soon to be ex literally locked me out of the house before I could get my most valuable possessions out.  These are things that I owned before I ever met him.  The court has ordered him twice to return them over to me, he has been found in contempt of court and still refuses to turn them over to me.  A friend told me that he is moving the things from one storage unit to another to make sure I will never find them. He submitted a request for Temporary Restraining order against me claiming abuse just to have me removed from the property even though I was living in a completely separate house (he didn't bother to mention that in his request).  I had never harmed or threatened any kind of harm to him, I was patient with his passive aggressive behavior, and tolerated him picking fights with me just so he could scream at me.  He is in a wheelchair and demands a certain level of "service" from those around him.  I didn't know that he would turn into a dominating jerk the moment he had a signed marriage certificate.  After I was diagnosed with BC I was of no further "use" to him anymore so he had to figure out a use for me or discard me.  The problem for him was that he couldn't figure out a way to discard me without looking like a complete ass, so he found a use for me ... sympathy.  He kept me drugged up for seven months after my surgery.  All I did was sleep.  And boy did he get the pity ... and attention ... he so wanted!  Everyone speculated that the cancer must have gone into my brain and was somehow affecting my sleep.  Whenever I had a doctor appointment he would back off the drugs enough to get me there in a somewhat "awake" state.  He went with me to every doctor appointment.  My doctor actually took away a lot of pain meds that I really needed because I looked "too medicated."  He even tried to TELL the doctor what I needed ... more Valium.  He has told horrible lies about me and even keeps my granddaughter from me (she is biologically his granddaughter, but she is only four years old and I have been a grandmother to her since she was less than a year old).  She can't figure out why she can't see her grandma.  I won't go into the web of lies he has and continues to tell about me.  Suffice it to say that they are extensive.

When all of this started, I felt all the emotions you can imagine.  I was a complete mess.  As I prayed and gave my will over to God ... as I continue to do every day even now ... I began to let go of my possessiveness over my belongings, the worry over the lies, and even my granddaughter and learned to trust Him.  After almost seven months of this, I finally was able to spend the weekend with my granddaughter.  I have recently talked with friends and acquaintances who have told me that they know me well enough to know that I would never do the things he has accused me of and not to worry.  At this point, I don't even care if I don't get my things back or even if I get what is fair in the final hearing.  I just don't care.  I realized that MY things are not really mine ... they are God's and He can do whatever He chooses with them.  If He wants me to get a fair settlement I will.  I am okay with allowing Him to decide what I have or don't have.

I understand the turmoil that you are dealing with.  I would have to say that what you are facing is far more severe, but I believe with all my heart that if you can learn to trust God on a new level, it will set your heart and mind at ease.  I understand what it feels like to watch someone you love die.  I understand the worry over the kids and what will become of them if something happens to you.  But none of us knows how long we have.  You may out live us all.  We just don't know.  

It is said that love is the most powerful force in the universe.  I believe this because when I learned to love (and continue to learn), I realized that I can even love my ex because he has been instrumental in my spiritual growth.  If you use your time focused on loving your children, loving your ex, and even loving the situation you find yourself in, you will put the might of that force into motion.  

Harmony