Query for ALL women with an UNsupportive DH

TytaniumK · June 2006

Ladies!

Having been 'here' just a few weeks, I am continually alarmed and saddened by the gross numbers of not only UNsupportive DH's, but DH's who leave, or otherwise indicate 'they want out' of their long-term relationships!

The psychologist in me [I have a BS and an MS degree] has been wondering how many of these DH's ever frequented this BC website? Ever read the many threads? The many Posts? Ever asked their DW's [for lack of a shorter word] what was discussed today...or, if they found solace in other's posts? If they made someone else's day? Made any friends? Planned any get-togethers? Whether your DH showed any interest in this important part of your life whatsoever?

I could be 100% wrong, but I'm guessing the majority of these UNsupportive and/or angry DH's showed very little interest from the get-go.

If most of the above is true--that they exhibited little to no interest in this BC website--do you think they would have been supportive had they chosen to surf it? Read your posts? Discuss your concerns? Again, the psychologist in me wonders IF circumstances MIGHT have been different, only if....????

Or, would you rather your DH didn't come here at all, but supported you in other ways--that you want AND need?

Ty-K

Hattie · June 2006

I think bc is just another of life's big unexpected stressors, and it confirms what was already in a relationship. It brings people together or drives them apart, depending on how things were going before--just my opinion.
Take care,
--Hattie

dentalgirl · June 2006

Well, here is one for the books. I had my live in of 5 years leave Memorial Day weekend. Said that he could no longer be with me and not be intimate. I had seen signs of him straying and asked him to stay and I would get some therapy in the intimate area. He told me that he could not wait any longer and when I got "fixed" he wanted to come back. I have to say that I believe he is thinking with the wrong head. (hope I haven't offended anyone) I also have to believe that I am better off without him. Agree?

blulrich · June 2006

DentalGirl -- I AGREE! My dad has stuck by my mom for 37 years, 7 bouts of cancer (she finished rads June 19th for BC), and 3 kids(I'm the baby). They don't tell me everything, but you can just see how much my dad loves my mom. You (and every woman) deserve a partner that loves them that way!

Anonymous · June 2006

dentalgirl.... I absolutely agree.... he wants to come back when you are "fixed" ... screw him ... selfish pig... sorry for such a strong reaction ... I just get so aggrevated ... if he can't stick around to help ... why on earth should you let him come back ?? what is he thinking ??? the world doesn't revolve around him...
you will find someone who deserves you ... and will accept you ... and will work with you ...

I'm sure you're in alot of emotional pain ... 5 years is a long time...

Hugs,
Doreen

lauri · June 2006

I wouldn't necessarily slam the door on him (although I would probably shut it with some force) -- but I think you shouldn't take him back until HE is "fixed".

junie · June 2006

Dear Ty-k--interesting question. I would not classify my DH as "unsupportive." He has been a rock; supreme note-taker, dispenser of medicine, rub back in middle of the night, emptier and cleaner of drains--he's a keeper!

HOWEVER, I have had several issues where I have printed out the threads and asked him to read them so he could maybe gain some deeper insight as to what I was feeling, thinking, going through, scared of.......maybe he read them; probably not--I never got any feedback from him.

And, much as I love him--I don't want him on this website, surfing my posts and seeing what I say to who about what! (sometimes, I just have to vent a bit about him!!!)

He thinks I spend too much time "visiting" here, but he has been with me to meet some of the wonderful people here and is always asking if I've heard from "so and so." He helped me organize a bc.org get-together several years ago...

What I think--and could be wrong (sometimes I am wrong)...DH thought that when I finished surgery, ax node dissection, PET scans, CAT scans, x-rays, mammos...chemo, rads--I was finished! WRONG, BUCKO--had that nasty little 20 mg of Tamoxifen to take each day for five years--SO, to him, I was finished with my bc treatment 5 yrs ago--to me--I just now finished my 5 yrs of Tamoxifen--and I do be feeling better!

Sorry I rambled so much, but this is my safe haven, my safety net--my little niche, not his. I think it's great that a he/her can share these boards and the hopes, frustrations, agonies that are here. It just wouldn't work with us.

huggggsssssssss, junie

ps--he does know where to go and log in under my ID to post of my death!

TytaniumK · June 2006

Hattie,
A good quick n dirty synopsis--thanks! Lotta truth in it!

dentalgirl,
Your tale is really NOT that unusual [to you it is cuz you were there]. I have heard similar from many couples, esp younger ones. It just wasn't meant to be--with him--is my easiest & kindest response! Be happy you're free to move on!

junie,
You have addressed my query best--and your statement about not wanting DH here [online] cuz sometimes you just need to vent...struck me! Wow! I hadn't thought of that!

I guess I better ask the evil one quite earnestly if she'd rather I quit posting here. After all, it is HER place to be here--not mine. Altho' my intentions are rightly-directed, she might sorta wish I'd go away too. Hmmmm. But, at least your DH does sound very attentive & loving!

Living in 2 houses til I retire in Dec, I don't have easy access to just yell out, "hey elf...gotta question for ya'!" But I do plan visiting AGAIN this weekend...and I'll ask! She's been visiting her mom in MS past 3 days! They BOTH need that! And I applaud them for their comraderie!

And let's have no talk of YOUR death--just yet, junie! [[hugs]]

Ty-K

victoria52 · June 2006

Hi Ty....regarding the husband - Mine hasn't asked me how I feel about anything. If anything, he's been much worse since my first diagnosis last September and now with a second go round....I'm dreading it to be honest. He was a good man UNTIL he let alcohol take control of his life. He went downhill drastically in every way possible, but he still works everyday. In 2004 he woke up one day and couldn't get his breath, went to ER and he spent 10 days in the hospital with congestive heart failure and they determined he's had a prior heart attack. Long story short, he can no longer drink because of all his meds and he has become the most selfish, and yes, extremely bitter person. He won't do counseling, because then he'd have to admit he has a problem. His sister swears he is a narcissist and unfortunately he seems to fit all the criteria. My son and he can hardly stand one another, it's sad. But for now, I must concentrate on getting through my surgery in July, healing and then deciding where I'll go from there. I can't imagine spending what's left of my life this way. Not one time through all of this has he put his arm around me and told me WE would get through this, or that he loved me no matter what I looked like. Anyway, I have two children and three grandchildren and for them and myself....I WILL make it. I very much enjoy reading your posts. A male perspective is so refreshing and I think Evilelf is a lucky woman. I wouldn' want my husband on this site... this is my private place to come for peace and comfort....from those who REALLY understand.

TytaniumK · June 2006

Oh! louann!

That is just soooo sad! I feel really sad for you that your DH is not understanding, caring, loving, concerned, supportive....or even interested in your welfare/happiness! Hearing this breaks my heart for you!

Your words are way too kind to me. I am no Saint. I do try! But I am just human like we all are...and I have made mistakes! Life is an evolutionary process! I'm still learning! I still make mistakes. But I try to do better each new day! Try to understand more than the day before. Try! Try! Try!

Alcohol is a terrible force! Ask me how I know, right? My dad was an alchy! I was abused as a child! I, myself, fell into the trap of alcohol AND nicotine use before finally simply 'waking up' one day [17+ years ago] and coming to my senses! Life has been MUCH richer ever since! What a trip! Can I just say, WOO HOO.

If I die today, I'm satisfied with the days Creator has bestowed upon me. Happy with the lessons given me to learn! Glad I was able to bear the Pain! Thrilled I was allowed to experience so much Joy! Humbled I was led here--to ALL of you!

It's a strange thing...but being exposed to The Sisterhood has made my own life better than it was before! Thank You! Bless You! And, Rock On, Ladies! Rock On!

Ty-K

KariLynn · June 2006

My hubby is etremely supportive but would not dream of invading my space by coming here, nor would I want him too.

SillyMama · June 2006

Having the s.o.'s come to the boards has been a mixed bag. If the guy visits regularly, he can come to feel close to the "community" the same way we do. But if the topics get "intimate," it can really wierd out some of the women that there's a male "stranger" in the discussion. Then feelings start to get hurt. It can get downright ugly.

cowgirl · June 2006

Ty-k,
interesting question! DH is not into this board, and for us it works. He is an ebayer, and I am a talker!

Here is my theory, and remember it is just my thoughts. BC or any crisis can bring out the best in a marriage or expose the worst. Some can handle the crisis and some marriages just fall apart. My marriage made it but my DH is very special as AM I!(running joke with DH) We figured out a long time ago that marriage is a true compromise, and many don't get that on both or either side.

So I am not surprised, but it still is devastating when a marriage ends. I wish more can make it intact but the numbers seem to indicate otherwise.

susan_02143 · June 2006

Ty,

I have a wonderfully supportive husband. The perfect example is this story:

During radiation I was beyond ill. Each night I felt worse and worse, and eventually ended up in the emergency room when my radiation oncologist saw me at my weekly checkup. That night, back home, I told my husband that I thought I was going to vomit and he left the room! My feelings were hurt, but you know what he was doing? Taking a warmed towel out of the cabinet and placing it on the floor in front of the toilet so that if I did need to vomit, my knees wouldn't be on the cold stone floor.

And I would be horrified if he visited this site. This is MY place to be safe and surrounded by women [and a few men] who have been through the same treatment.

He has actually been with me when I have chosen to meet and visit with other women from this site. He knows some of my closer friends stories, but, this is my place. He gets his support elsewhere.

Just another viewpoint.

*susan*

p.s. Plus, he HATES to type! :-0

Sandra1957 · June 2006

What a great guy!! I have one also. I don't know how I could do this without his support. Do you ever wonder what you did to deserve someone so good?? Not that you have to do something to get someone not so good.

ramonajane · June 2006

Quote:

I think bc is just another of life's big unexpected stressors, and it confirms what was already in a relationship.

Hattie - I agree. This is what it did for my partnership. We have a motto in our relationship: We Are A Team. In everything from doing dishes to home improvement projects to working out family problems to...breast cancer!

The first thing we did when she was diagnosed was remind one another of that. We do breast cancer as a team, just like we do the other parts of our lives.

I, too, am so sorry to read of the husbands who are leaving in the midst of a huge health issue. I am heartened to see all the support being offered by the sisters here to those women.

As for us both being here, its worked out fine. She's mostly a reader/lurker. I post around, but tend to stay on the family/lesbian sections. I try to be respectful about where/what I post on the other sections. We both know the other one is here, and it hasn't created any problems.

soccermom · June 2006

Very interesting question!
I'm one of the ones whose husband left during my BC ordeal. He didn't have that much interest in the website, or the medical side of things. Actually, he did seem to try at first, until he saw that getting through this wasn't going to be quick or easy. We had some friends whose wives went thru BC. One "just " had a mast. and reconst., no other TX, the other had a mast and 4 rounds of chemo, which she tolerated pretty well. My case was much more prolonged, with multiple surgeries, and I was very ill with my 8 rounds of chemo.
But I see where you're heading, thinking that the site could be useful in developing empathy in SO's...I guess if they cared enough to go on the site in the 1st place, they probably aren't the ones who need the does of empathy in the first place..
the privacy issues are there too. I didn't have to worry, because I pretty much knew/know he wouldn't be interested enough to check out the site or what I said on it.
I'm glad you're here. You seem to have a good perspective on things and I appreciate your sincerity.

Anonymous · June 2006

My husband is not supportive at all. I have tried to communicate to him my needs but he has been honest enough to explain he is selfish and I have always taken care of him and he needs time to see if he is capable of taking care of me. Thus far the verdict is a resounding NO. I am blessed to have a family that has helped with my children and the house and my appts. My husband can not look at me, touch me or be around me too long now. He says he has to distant himself , suppose I die, it would be easier for him to handle it. My husband is , I have found out since my illness, a real creepy human being(I use that word loosely).B.

DebraLynn · June 2006

Ok Ty,

A lot already know of my story, but here goes....

My ex left me in the middle of treatment. He not only had a girlfriend who knew I had bc and didn't care, but he also emailed his entire family and told them that my cancer was NO BIG DEAL. They, in response, did nothing. I was a member of their family for 20 years, that tells you what kind of people they are.

Through the divorce, my ex said he didn't know I had cancer, he thought I was just having a growth removed, "kind of like the mole on my back."

He tried to hide money from me and HIS children (I found it) and then was convicted of domestic violence as he threw me to the ground. ( He denies this, yet pleaded guilty)

My ex has also frequented this site. He took every one of my posts and sent them to his family, making fun of what I had to say. I assume he is still a lurker here, so I do have to be careful. I try to use big words when I am on here because he probably won't understand them (sorry LOL)

He leads a sad life that he has nothing better to do than to be a deadbeat dad (he makes 3 times what I do, yet has no money to help with my daughter's college tuition) and lurk on a breast cancer board.

Unsupportive is an understatement.

I love to read about the women who have supportive DH, I know that there are men out there that are special. I just wasn't smart or lucky enough to find one.....yet.

xoxox

Anonymous · June 2006

I am saddened by the stories of women being deserted by their husbands when they need support the most...whatever happened to "in sickness and in health"??

My other half (who happens to be a woman also) has been nothing but supportive and loving since I started my journey. Now granted, that was only a couple of months ago, but I have no doubt that she is with me for the long haul...that's the way we do things, as RamonaJane said, it's a partnership. Having said that, I am sure we'll have rough times as well as good times, but isn't that what a relationship is all about?

Peggy

TytaniumK · June 2006

WOW! You ALL have such diverse AND interesting stories to tell. I applaud all of you who have supportive SO's~3 cheers! And my heart can't help but be saddened by and yet go out to those like Debralynn....how disappointing it is--to me personally--to read of such malice...not just UNsupportive but downright malice...to laugh and belittle someone he once told he loved forever! Man, that's l-o-w!

And a deadbeat dad on top of that. When my ex- left me with our then 5-yr-old daughter...I paid child support every month until the day she turned 19. Never missed a payment, and was also taken back into court to pay [which I did in-full] medical bills I never knew about for years! Also, she seemed to find ways to get our State AND Federal TAX refunds many years, as well. So, I got the other half of that double-edged coin. BIG Sigh!

Anyway, not to beat that dead horse...I cannot tell you ALL how much this site has helped me [grow] personally! You are the best, ladies! Never doubt that! The very best! I applaud you....

Anonymous · June 2006

Fitztwins · June 2006

Hmmm...I bought my DH the book "Breast Cancer Husband". He never read it. But he did hold me when I cried, got me toast when I was sick and took care of the kids. When I talk about my fears he poo poos them. But that is okay. That is what you are all for.

I have been blessed. If I would have been with my ex (dh#1) it would have been horrible. I ran into him about 6 months ago, he proceeded to tell me about his mole that was skin cancer and never asked me once about me.

Oh well...

I am so sad for our sisters who are married to dumb-arses!

Janis

ginna · July 2006

I sit and read this post, and realize how lucky I am. My husband has been to every test , every surgery, every Doctors appointment. When rad machine broke down in my town, he took half days off from work for 5 days to drive me to my appointments 40 minutes away. He is my rock and he is just wonderful with the kids. He has always been. I know that I am blessed. But yet I say to myself , he see's the physical side of things, and he also knows I am a very strong person, but he doesnt understand the full effect of the emotional side of being DX with cancer. The long term effect this will have on my life. It not over after surgrey and rads. I have 5 yrs of pills and 5 years of test test test and lots of dr's appointment. I know he cant get inside my head and I know he loves me and he cares about my emotional need, but sometimes trying to tell him my feeling on how I just want the old GINNA back and My old life back never seems to be understood. I guess no one can understand what I want back unless you too have been dx with bc.

So I say to myself

I guess I can feel sorry for myself for a bit or a moment or a day, but its just not me. I like to get back to my normal life and that means , being crazy with you my husband who has been there threw every cancer moment with me...
I love you JOHN.....

Jax1167 · July 2006

Hey Ginna,

I totally know what you are talking about when you say no-one will understand how this BC dx effects you throughout your life even after the surgery and rads....you're right, it doesn't end after the treatments....still lots of doc appts and Tamoxifen and whatever else and even though your husband and kids/extended families think the BC thing is "over"...it is never over in your mind...always somehow you will think the "what if" thing of re-occurance, or a new cancer BUT.....I and the other girls on this web-site UNDERSTAND what you mean and that's why we will always be BC sisters...and you'll have real life BC sisters that you meet whether at the docs offices or support groups or whereever and there will be an automatic connection between you no matter what stage you were in at the time and they were...I do have a special friend who I met in recovery (male RN) that I keep in touch with and also see when possible and mine and his connection is pretty deep even though I've only known him for a short time...but he saw me at my worst (after surgery)..the real me with no make-up and STILL cared enough to call and see how I was doing and also saw me look really good too (after surgery)....anyway, I'm with you...husbands are great but sometimes they just don't "get it".

Jax

Query for ALL women with an UNsupportive DH

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