Sept 2012 chemo

Mariposa, I'm sorry you're freaked out. I started tamoxifen before radiation treatment. My RO was fine with that too. I guess my team thinks that starving and irradiating any left-over cells at the same time is the plan. I have not had a period since during my 3rd AC treatment last July. I'm just a few years older than you. I'm glad you've written your MO already. good job. I am personally not against having my ovaries removed so I can go on an AI. My MO wants to wait and see how Tamo suits me in the long run but my mother thought her complete hysterectomy/oopherectomy was the best thing that ever happened to her. Riding the hormonal rollercoaster every month is not fun in my family-line. Bad PMS, bad cramps, etc, I had some prolonged cysts in my life, so we have no love for our ovaries. Anyway, what you have done is not "for nought"!  We make our best judgements as do our Drs (hopefully) based on the individual and their particulars from proven regimens. But, yes, making these decisions is almost never simple, is it? sorry... But I wouldn't worry about a period at this point, have more discussions with your Drs. good luck!

I was just gone for 3 days and so many posts. Like Mariposa, I am zonked on Percoset so am copy/pasting from the March surgery thread I wrote on. I really need to sleep! But it was good to read all your posts. Florbo, love your hair! And Kelleyb, Florbo must be our pole dancer, I did not do it either!

I just came home from the hospital today. My surgery went well but I did have nausea and vomiting in recovery and so was there a few hours. It was not bad though as they kept me topped up with antiemetics and pain meds IV. Low blood pressure and Hg dropped too so I got the choice to stay an extra night and was quite happy to do so. I have seen my new breast (not much fill in yet) and it looks good to me. Nipple sparing was not an option as BS said with cancer on and close to margins, not a good idea. Pain is not bad but I agree with staying on top of it. The resident gave me an Rx for Emtec or Traumatab/acetominophen but I told him I wanted Percoset~~a breast cancer buddy who had same surgery and PS in the fall said she needed more than she got sent home with and PS ended up prescribing Percoset for her which I told the resident. He kind of grudgingly gave me what I wanted so am asssured of good pain relief now at home though I do hope to taper off sooner than later. 

I am really lucky in that a friend flew out from Nova Scotia last night to spend 5 days looking after me which makes my DH happy. She and I nursed together in the same hospital I had my surgery in and though it was decades ago, we knew a few people still. Neither of us has seen a drain in years though so we learned that today before my discharge. Home care nurse will come too to change the dressings and also will take the drains out when it is time. PS also took my port out and so they could not use it for the IV. That was maybe the worst part as my veins are so bad. The nurse gave up and the anesthetist actually gave me gas to knock me out so he could put the IV in pain free! No fun down the road for regular blood work but the doctors did not want to leave it in just for that.

So it was not as bad as I thought~~quite manageable in fact. And it feels so good to get this step on the long journey over with.

Marian

Hi everyone again,

   After a rough night of menstrual cycle blues I got to go to my post op appointment today.  Only got rid of 1 of 3 drains (So ready to never see these things again- but I will have to live with the other two until next Tuesday).... but on the good note, my path report came back!  Tumor went from between 5 and 6 cm to .7cm:-)  I wanted a complete response, but I am happy!  They took a total of 10 nodes... one was positive, three others had micro-metastasis, and the other six were completely negative.  And the other breast was completely clean.  So, I am sighing a big huge sigh of relief.  Meanwhile, my docs won't put me on tamoxifen prior to radiation (citing some cosmetic reasons)... but they are putting in an authorization to give me a shot of lupron to put my ovaries to sleep until after radiation.  So that's good.

   What a messed up journey we are all on.  I am thankful for the positives and trying hard to not focus on the minuses.  I got my first fill and am looking a bit less like I as in a terrible accident of some sort. 

Marian:  So glad you are back from the hospital and feeling okay.  Percoset and valium have definitely been my friends!  I have slept so much the last week.  Good for you advocating for the percoset!!!

Englishrose: Who gave you the note for the four day work week???  That sounds so much more doable for me.  Did you all read the recent article about breast cancer surivors having PTSD?  Makes a lot of sense to me.

Allurbadday:  Thanks so much for the encouragement.  (And I love your hair by the way- you look super mod and beautiful:-)  I am with you on being kind of fine with an oopherectomy.  If the tamoxifen is too much for me, I am going to ask about it.  I have my kids and have always hated periods too.  (I also ride the PMS rollercoaster and would love to just be sane for a while)

Thanks ladies again.  My boobs still feel a bit sore from the fill.  Looks like they are only planning on going 500ccs for a C cup for me.  Maybe because I have a small frame?  Who knows.  I used to care about the size of them, but I am caring less and less about it.

Marian...glad your done with your surgery. My BP dropped also and is still very low. I was even on BP meds for high BP. I haven't taken them since September. I bet your friend was a big help and also allowed your DH to have a little break.



EnglishRose..So good to hear from you!! I have hot flashes but I'm not on tamoxifen. Ever since chemo, I've had much more than usual.



Mariposa..good to hear from you too. I can tell by your posts that you are already feeling better. Things will continually get better. I just had my second fill and what a difference it made. They feel so much better. I'm trying to focus on the positives as well..it's so hard sometimes. I have used the word "better" three times now...must be the wine! Lol



My DH and I found a house we like on two acres as a foreclosure. Just waiting to hear from the bank...didn't plan on this at all, kinda like the cancer. It just happened. Excited but scared. Scared of reoccurence wrecking my plans! Buti can't live with that on my shoulder. It at least gives me something positive to focus on.



Bloodwork is all normal again. So happy cause my platelets were all off track 4 weeks ago.



Goodnight..

Good luck on the house hopex!

Good night all

Hey everyone,

Friday morning, sitting at my desk, and I think that the fact that I'm posting here is a good indication of my motivation today...  It's a grey foggy morning.  Roll on Spring!

Jojo, hope your angry boob isn't causing you too much bother.  Mine got very red towards the end of radio, and all the pores in my skin went really dark brown like I think you described a while ago.  About a week after I finished rads, I got a really bad sunburn in a line along my collarbone, which lasted for a few weeks and was very sore.  The skin ended up peeling off.  Anyway, it's been about four weeks since I finished rads and it's all pretty much back to normal now.  I was told that the radiation is still actively working in your body for several weeks after you finish.

Mariposa, I went to my general practioner to "sign me off" sick one day a week.  This was at the advice of my HR department who have been really supportive of me during this process.  I could have taken six months off with full pay, but worked throughout chemo, just with a few days here and there around the treatments.  I didn't do this because I'm any kind of hero or anythng, I just made the decision that I needed to keep everything in my life as "normal" as possible to stop myself becoming a complete loony.  That's just what worked for me.  But now, being back at work full time, it feels like nothing in my life has changed and of course everything has.  Someone said to me last week that it was good to see that I'm now back up to "full speed" and as I reflected on this, it made me panic a bit.  It's probably my fault for not showing how tired and stressed I feel.  My GP said that he thought I was crazy putting all this pressure on myself and the psychologist did too.  She said that it's always the case that when we're ill, whether that be with Cancer or a cold, the moment we get our energy back, most people put all that energy in to their work, and that really we should be dividing it across all the things in our lives that are important.  I do think that the psychological after effects of a Cancer diagnosis are like PTSD for some poeple.  I've never been to counselling before, but I have to say that I've found it really helpful.  Much of the stuff she says is stuff I know anyway, but the confirmation is useful.  Most of all, I'm learning how to train my thoughts and manage my worries and to choose the times that I think about Cancer, and to actively decide at other times that I'm not going to.  So, I'm going to use my one day off per week just for me, to do what I want to do.  That might be sitting on the sofa watching crappy daytime TV, it might be climbing a mountain and thinking deep and meaningful thoughts, going out to lunch with friends, reading or it might be sitting in bed with a blanket over my head.  Whatever--it will just be one day out of every week for me.

Hopex--you go for that house.  You are right, can't let fear hold you back. 

Some days I look in the mirror and find myself thinking I've become a science experiment.  

Every treatment is a wait-and-see.  How will I feel physically?  Emotionally?  Will I barf? Be bedridden? When does the hair fall out? Will it all go?  Will it come back?  What color?  Will my nails forever carry these strange ridges and stripes?  Will my skin ever not be bone dry?  Why does my left toe suddenly have an abundance of hair?  Will I gain weight?  Lose weight?  Will my period come  back?  Will my boobs ever match?  Enough to wear a regular bra? And when can I wear clothes without worrying about scars and cleavage (or not)? 

Amy - Hang in there.

Hopex - Go for it!  

Englishrose - Enjoy your reduced work schedule.  During my surgery leave of absence I finally watched my first episode of Honey Booboo, to see what all the fuss was about.  Give that try.  It may cure you of any interest in daytime TV and leave you more inclined to climb that mountain.

Whenlife - your revised avatar made me laugh. 

JoJo... I have always been a fast mover, a bull dozer if you wil... When I decide to get things done I will put 100% in and get it done with reral quick... So this is so tough for me but I see the point of it all and my life lesson to slow down and let things happen, enjoy the small moments.. So yes 100% correct baby steps!

my brother is taking me and my family on a trip and along the way we plan to make a visit to the Vanderbilt House in Asheville, NC Google it if you get a chance I cant wait to walk thru this 8000 acre estate!

Hope, i feel i may have to get a pain pill tonight. I have a few so no worries. My nipple is going to peel and my whole left chest aches. I just in the last few weeks feel like my joint pain and stiffness has improved. Still far from how I felt before BC. I blame Taxol, but hear Tamoxifen can give the same issues. Joy o joy!

English- I think it so good you are able to reduce your work week, even for just one day and yes, use that day to take of yourself.



I do think its hard that people think once you are done with tx, it's just are back to normal. I find myself having this internal struggle of wanting everyone to know I'm ok, wanting to be back back to my old self and being frustertated that people don't understand how long it take your to get better and they don't get I will never be back to my "old" self. I have been on medical leave since sept. I teach middle school and went to school on Thursday to pick up a few things and say hi to people. Everyone knows about my dx and my colleagues have been very supportive, but I was sooooo nervous going back, I thought I was going to throw up as I walked up to the doors. I don't wear a wig, just a hat, so I know I look different. I am going back to work in 4 weeks and I just really needed to go there and make the first step back to work. Of course it was so great to see everyone, I said hi to some of students, and it was a good experience, but also a bit overwhelming and intense. I know the next time I go in it will be that much easier.



Forever- perfect gift for a group of teachers!



Jojo- hope your are feeling better. Only 3 more rads for me, my armpit is crisp and painful, but it is going to get better soon...we are so strong and have been through so much...almost to the end, hang in there!



Hope- I am right there with you about the fear, I believe that it is part of being a survivor, not only have we survived our dx and treatments, but we have figure out how to deal with that fear. From what I have heard from other survivors, it does get easier. I have had a sore hip, I think it's from working out, but I just told my nurse about it just to put it out there and to remind myself to see if its still there the next time I go in for a check up.



Amy- try to be patience with yourself, you will feel better and better with time. Love Asheville! Enjoy!



Marian- sending you lots if healing thoughts! Glad that part is over for you!



Lemons- yes I have those very same questions floating through my mind, especially when I try to sleep. I have doing healing/postitive thinking/patience mediation podcasts before bed and that seems to help calm my mind.



We have so come far ladies! Sending hugs and positive thoughts and prayers to all of you and your families.

Mariposa- sorry, vent away. I felt like with each fill, I got a little fuller and looked a little better with clothes on...hang in there!



Also, question for those of you on Herceptin...do you know when you will finish? I was under the impression that I would be finished a year from starting chemo, so sept. but when I went in on Friday for my tx, they told me a year from starting Herceptin only, so that would be next jan. I guess I'm ok with that, it just wasn't what I thought and I am glad I realized it now, rather than thinking I was done I sept and being like wtf.

Hello Ladies,

I really don’t get the chance to hop online during the week. After working 10 hour days + 2 hour commute – I have nothing left.  My MO wrote me a note releasing me to work part-time (similar to EnglishRose), but it is not working out too well for me.  My post today is quite long – I tried to reach out to as many as I could.  If I missed anyone – I am so sorry – not intentional!

Denise-Welcome to the group.  You will find a wealth of information here.  These ladies are fantastic.  They are so caring, supportive and knowledgeable.  Give yourself time to process what is happening to you.  Denial is part of the process.  Everything seems so surreal at times.  It is an emotional roller-coaster for sure, but we are here for you.  You may also want to check into local resources; most areas have support groups you can join.  All will be okay.

Terri-I love the quote you posted.  It’s so true.

Melrose-Thank you for still staying with us.  You have touched so many lives in such a positive way.

Jojo, Neta & Allurbad-Your hair looks so great!  I absolutely cannot wait!  I have begun using a little bit of shampoo on mine.  I’m starting to really feel the difference from before.  Lots of gray at the temples, but the rest looks like it is coming in light brown – ish.  I went outside to the mailbox for the first time without any head covering at all.  The warmth of the sun felt really good on my head.  PS-I too have some facial fuzz.  What’s up with that??

Neta-Where are you going over spring break?  I can’t wait to plan a trip and get away from it all.

Fight-I hope your first rad treatment went well.

Hope-I know, the expanders always seem in the way to me.  They are hard and just don’t move.  Driving is also difficult for me.  I only have a few more weeks to go and then I will have my exchange surgery.  Anything has to feel better than now!  My expanders are high too.  PS said with the exchange, they won’t be so high.  With my last fill, I am at 750 cc’s.  I was a “c” cup prior to the bmx and told him I was okay with being the same and even smaller than I was.  He told me that even with the 750 cc’s, I would not be as large as I was before.  It is very confusing to me.  He is trying to make my new foobie’s in proportion to my body type.

I think about you taking naps in your car at lunch time.  I wish I could do it.  Regrettably, I sit at my desk and continue to work while I eat lunch.  It’s terrible.

I wish you the best with the new house purchase.  How exciting!  It is so nice to have something to look forward to. 

I am 12 weeks PFC and I still have the issue with my legs.  I worry too.  My legs ache when I first get up – I can’t stand for a long time.  I still feel like I am walking like a little old lady. I’ve also noticed that my toe nails are turning white and they are hurting more and more each day.  I also am still having hot flashes – no period yet.

Forever-I hope you feel better soon.  It’s tough to shake a cold during this time of year.  That is too funny about your son’s reaction to seeing his teacher outside of the classroom.  I guess at that age sometimes, they don’t look at their teachers as ‘people.’  Very cute.

Florbo-I’ve had the most difficulty with my port since this last fill.  The area is raw and tender and can be painful at times.  The incision actually is ‘scabbing over’ again.  Which is weird – my port placement procedure was done in August.  My MO said to put anti-bacterial cream on it and see what happens.  They really want to try and wait to have it removed when I have my replacement surgery so I don’t have to have yet another thing to deal with.  I am keeping an eye on it.

It is so nice that you son is helping out.  I hope your pain is subsiding now.

Cocobean-I am glad you went back and took those first steps.  You are right; it will be much easier for you the next time you really return.  I relate very well to your internal struggles about ‘being back to normal.’ Since I’m done with treatment, and see that I look okay (I wear a wig to work), they all think I’m back to normal.  Same energy level, same outlook, same everything.  Even my brothers have stopped checking on me since I seem okay.  I saw them over the Christmas holiday for about a ½ hour.  Since I looked good and was smiling, all is fine right?  Weird.

Whenlife-Like the new pic a lot.  Your questions are right on target.  I have asked myself many of the same time and time again.  Stay strong!  Not a Honey BooBoo fan, huh?  I too watched it-to see what all the fuss was about.  All I had to say afterwards was – Wow!

Amy-What a terrific surprise (about the smokey mountains). Keep on the steady pace of healing…you’ll get there.  Sending positive thoughts your way.

EnglishRose- I really like what you said – “Most of all, I'm learning how to train my thoughts and manage my worries and to choose the times that I think about Cancer, and to actively decide at other times that I'm not going to.” I think this is something we could all try to do.  I know I am going to.

Patricia-Sorry, I could not open the video to see your dance.  I am sure it was just as fun as you are.  : )  The hospital provided a band with safety pins.  I also bought a camisole with drain pockets in them – never used it.

Marian-I am glad you are home and resting.  What great news about your friend coming to help out.  I am sure she is a source of great comfort for you.

Mariposa-I hope you are feeling better soon.  The drains will be out soon.  What you are feeling is normal.  Get as much rest as possible.  What fabulous news about the tumor!  Everything wasn’t for ‘naught.’  I’m sending you big hugs right now….

I did not see the article about PSTD, but I would probably agree that we all may experience that as we continue on our journeys.

I concur with what Cocobean said.  Foobies look more normal after each fill.  I had my last fill about 1 ½ weeks ago.  Now have some projection and fullness.  Still hard as a brick though.  Can’t wait for the exchange!!!

Also, I wanted you to know, I read your latest blog entry more than one.  I cried the entire time.  “Remembering” really touched my heart.  You are amazing.

Sending big hugs to all : )))

Also noteworthy today, scratched my collarbone and the top layer of skin came off. Thanks rads!

JoJo..ouch! I can't see up close on your new avatar but are those two dark spots where they marked you?



Faith focus...So good to hear from you. I'm sorry you have such a long commute to work. No wonder your exhausted. I've been real tired this week too. I went grocery shopping and that's about all I will do today! One day at a time! I should go on a walk since it is beautiful out but I'm too tired.



Mariposa.. It took about five weeks before I look like I have foobs. The second fill was much better. They still bother me when I try to sleep. I'm not wearing any kind of bra...just a tank top. The drains are the worst. Besides they are gross and disgusting. What a weird concept.