I feel as though my life is at a stand still...anyone else?

margodae
margodae Member Posts: 48
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hello everyone...

I am 32 years old and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years.  We have reached the point of taking the plunge into living together/marriage or breaking up. 

I was diagnosed at age 29.  Had a partial mastectomy, radiation, and have been on the lovely Tamoxifen for 3.5 years.  Obviously I can't think about having children until I am off Tamoxifen.  Right now, my boyfriend says he does not want to have kids...at all, ever.  Right now, I feel as though I do.  But, who knows how I am going to feel in 1.5 years when I am finally off Tamoxifen?  Things change...people change.  Maybe he will decide he wants kids in the next year and a half...maybe I will decide I don't?  In the mean time, what do we do?  I feel like my life and our relationship is at a stand still

Ugh...stupid cancer!!!

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Comments

  • Colt45
    Colt45 Member Posts: 771
    edited March 2013

    Husband/ father here:



    My 2 cents: If you want kids, don't marry someone who doesn't. It will be a raw source of contention (whether you have the kids or not) your entire marriage.



    Sometimes great companions as single adults don't make great spouses, particularly if you're raising kids.



    I know guys who had kids to satisfy the wife---(and they probably got married so as to not lose the girlfriend) that are absent from raising the kids because they really never wanted to raise kids. They play golf all the time or work all the time.



    You want a FAMILY. He'd better want it, too. Or you're not going to have one... you'll have you and the kids-----and a man who's never around to be a dad. Or who is around, but is angry about it.



    MAYBE, he's just saying he doesn't want kids----because he doesn't want you to feel like you have to have them to keep him----maybe you both are on the same page in your hearts... you need to iron this out before getting married. For sure. DO NOT expect a man to change after marriage. Know who he is beforehand and accept it or don't marry.



    What is it they say? A man meets a woman hoping she never changes and a woman meets a man hoping he does... and neither winds up happy. Don't be them.



    Best of luck and God bless.

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  • momof3boys
    momof3boys Member Posts: 896
    edited March 2013

    I agree with Colt. BC aside, kids are a big deal and you both need to be on the same page. I still remember what my husband said to me on our 2nd or 3rd date: "I really like you and want to continue this further, but, I want to be honest with you and tell you that I want kids, at least two or three, so, if that's not something you want, please let me know now". We were both 32. He was never married, I was divorced with a 5 yr old son. I had to think about it, but, was very impressed with how he knew exactly what he wanted, and didn't want to settle. I now have 3 boys :-)

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  • MelissaDallas
    MelissaDallas Member Posts: 7,268
    edited March 2013

    Having kids or not is one of the areas that you just have to agree on first or you should not marry. Unless you can absolutely say that you are o.k. with never having them you just can't hope he will change his mind.



    I wanted kids badly when I was young & married. After I divorced it seemed that everyone I dated was older than I, most of them with half-grown kids, and they absolutely did not want more so I ended up with none.

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  • NatsFan
    NatsFan Member Posts: 3,745
    edited March 2013

    Yes, sometimes people do change, but you can't count on it.  When my husband and I got married, we both agreed we wanted kids, but "not just now". Finally about 5 years into our marriage we both realized that we were perfectly happy not having kids so we decided to stay child-free.  It's been 30+ years now and we've never regretted our decision. 

    But, at the time of marriage we agreed on the child issue - we both wanted them.  If at that time one of us had wanted them and the other had not, it may well have been a dealbreaker. 

    We have discussed how very very lucky we were that we both changed the same way.  It would have been terrible if one of us had kept our original feeling about wanting kids while the other changed his/her mind, and it may well have led to divorce.  So yes, people change, but not always in harmony.  

    I am sorry you've having to deal with this along with your cancer.  But I don't think it's fair to either of you to hang on in the hopes that one or the other of you might change your mind.  Only you know how important it is for you to have children and only he knows how important it is for him to remain child-free.  If you marry, someone's got to give on this one - there's no middle ground on this issue unfortunately.  If the issue of children is too important for either of you to change, then as painful as it will be, moving on may be the best thing for both of you in the long run. 

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