Feeling alone...my husband has disconnected.

I have posted on this thread, as well as reading what everyone is saying.  I have been unable to say what it is that I really want and need to say.

The truth is that I am the one who has disconnected from my husband.  7 months after my diagnosis, surgery, rads, starting Arimidex and then another biopsy at my first 6 month mammogram, when I was completely worn out, my husband had an emergengy triple bypass.  I became his caretaker during a time when I still needed taking care of.  I was so tired that I couldn't see straight. I became angry, and I know this sounds selfish.  It has taken me a long time to be honest with myself about it.  This makes me understand how hubby43 feels. 

My husband was fairly attentive to me during my diagnosis and treatment.  He tried to help, but didn't always follow through.  He drove me to radiation twice and kept saying how sorry he was that I had to go through all of this.  He tends to be one of those sqeemish types when it comes to sickness and death.  I also think he was frightened and at the same time didn't want to trigger fear in me, so we didn't talk a lot about my cancer.

The clincher was that when my husband completed his 3 months of recovery and was able to begin resuming his normal life, he took up with a woman friend of his and they started having bicycle riding "dates".  That was too much for me.  I wanted and needed my husband to be there for me after his recovery.  Given that my husband had a history of this sort of thing, I realized that our relationship as it had been was over for me. I had no control over my feelings regarding this.

  Now,my husband's health is not optimal and yet our marriage is not going to continue.  Some may see it as me "leaving" him when he is not well.  This is not the case at all.  It is merely a coinsidence that his illness and his behavior caught up with him at the same time.

It amazes me that people can go through so many changes due to unavoidable circumstances.  The best thing we can do is try and be our authentic selves (as one poster put it) and take care of ourselves.

I admire everyone on this thread for sharing the truth.

Dear book hog you will need support for chemo emotionaly. Try to keep things normal as you can it will help you n take care of urself focus only one problem at a time its good for mental peace

Bobogirl, I appreciate your response and feel 100% the same.  The women that come here (including myself) are brave, strong and unbelievable caring and loving all in the face of a terrible sickness that changes our lives forever in so many ways. 

Hubby, I think it was the "I can see why some husbands just tire and give up", that put me over the edge.  See we can't just give up, most of us don't have that luxury. It's our lives at stake and for me the lives of my children who I will fight for with every cell of my being. I wonder how you would appreciate your wife becoming drained and apathetic to your struggle with cancer and coping with the emotions and struggles that you might have. I'm not trying to provoke anything, honestly...but the poor me this is so tough attitude is NOT for this thread.  I think there is a thread made specifically for family members and loved ones.

It's hard not to overreact at times during the BC journey.



My husband's father is celebrating his 90th birthday with friends and family this past weekend in Ohio (a plane trip from where we live). As I am just finishing chemo and trying to arrange surgery and reconstruction, I could not cope with going. However I urged my husband to go but to call me frequently while away.



He did at first. I told him I was going to bed at ten last night. He never called to say goodnight. I knew he was with his 7 siblings and their families at the post-party party. Had a hard time getting to sleep when he hadn't called by 10 because I knew he wouldn't call after for fear of waking me up.



When he called this morning and I answered the phone all the anger came out although I turned down the dial a bit from what I was really feeling. I did not choose to call people who might have done things with me over the weekend partly because of the bone pain from the last taxol.



I was lonely for in-person visit from someone but wanted someone to mind read this and call me.



Such w whirlwind of emotions, and they come at me unexpectedly. On moment I feel fine and the next I want to break something or cry (more often the latter).



This chemo (the AC followed by the taxol) has had so many SEs and surgery/reconstruction is not going to be a piece of cake.



Most of the time I like my husband's laid back nature but I've been having trouble with my breast surgeon's and plastic surgeon's office coordinating and I want him to take over. I'm tired of both arranging and then going through the pain of these treatments.



A rich friend of mine hired a medical concierge group to handle the scheduling of everything related to her BC, so much so that she can't even remember the names of her surgeons from 5 years ago! I know I'll remember mine like I remember who delivered my grown daughter.



In short My husband to step up to the plate more instead of just going to my appts. And then sitting in the corner of the office like a potted plant.



I know I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning...I'll be okay at some point soon. I also know that my husband needs some cancer-free time. I'm envious because I can't get on a plane and be free of thoughts of cancer. He'll, with this bone pain I can't even drive myself any further than the grocery store!



Any one else out there feeling the ways I have described? I'd love not to feel so alone with all this!



Peggy

PeggySull - I hope this doesnt offend you.  I feel for ya, I do.  But, you should consider yourself lucky!  You have a husband who accompanies you to appointments, etc.  On the flip side, im single...ive have done all of this by myself.  I didnt have the option of off-loading appointment scheduling to someone else.  If i didnt do it it didnt get done (although that medical consierge sounds like a great idea).  

Its so hard when people disappoint us.  Plenty have disapointed me but just know that you could easily be in a worse position.

Peggy and Julie, I'm sorry you are experiencing trouble (in different ways).  It sounds like things are tough and for that I'm sorry.  I imagine you've already been through a lot already.  I agree with what you said about the emotions and being all over the board.  My DH is a good man and I believe loves and cares about me very much.  However, it seems that he is more focused on himself.  Him showing support is asking "how are you?" once in a while.  I've tried to talk about things, ask his opinion and just generally talk about this wacky and scary and angering experience and I get nothing from him.  I'm not asking for a lot.  But there has been no questions about my reconstruction, how I feel about it, how he feels about it (which I'd like to know) or anything.  It's like this whole things is for me to handle, emotions and all.  It's a lot to deal with. I completely understand that this is scary for them too, but when the focus tips more towards them I just don't think that's fair. 

I understand you both and hope you are able to work through this.

Sorry, Lily55 I meant to put you in there too.  Sending love and hope you're way too!

AWww - my dogs send you lots of hugs and cuddles, they were all abandoned so just love touch and contact, and have laods of licks to spare so when you are in bed tonight think of a few labrador size dogs surrounding you with that special labrador love........

So, I have been thinking about my situation and wonder too about others --- do you think your husband or significant other was somewhat disconnected before bc dx? Maybe we just noticed or felt it more while more sensitive dealing with it all???

Peggy, I can completely relate to everything from the SE's to the relationship stuff. My last taxol was 12.19 and the SE took about 5 weeks to even begin to diminish it seemed. Now there are SE from tamoxifen and my partner seems to think the minute I wasn't in active chemo everything would revert to normal. Riiight. I'm almost half done with rads, but being on tamoxifen I've got mood swings all over, bone/joint pain and it sucks. I'm grumpy, weepy, happy, ok, angry, sad, and apathetic all in one day.

I know it's hard for him but he was already selfish before BC and now with him thinking things should be normal and getting pissy when they aren't is getting so old. We have no emotional connection any longer, it flares up rarely, and yet he wants to have a physical relationship which for me is painful or uncomfortable at best. And yet I'm the one to feel bad when I can't grit my teeth through it. In his eyes I'm just depriving him. Sorry ladies, probably tmi but I just needed to throw it out there. I would love some intimacy again but I really need it to start with some sort of connection. Very difficult with someone who can barely talk about what I'm still going through.

Someone once told me that when you get together with a person that you haven't seen in a long time - that those few condensed hours spent with this person - whatever you do or discuss, pretty much sums up your relationship. (2 random examples: let's say your laughing, complimenting, taking turns talking...then basically this is the abstract pix of your overall relationship. Another random example: if the other person monopolizes and talks about herself the entire time...then basically its been a one-side relationship based on a narcissistic friend).



This might or might not always hold true but my purpose in bringing it up is that it could be similar to bc. Seeing how friend, spouse, partner relate and interact might be a condensed version of the overall relationship seen clearer in this bc period of time. I hope this make sense.

So, I copied and put out my same question from yesterday... "I have been thinking about my situation and wonder too about others --- do you think your husband or significant other was somewhat disconnected before bc dx? Maybe we just noticed or felt it more while more sensitive dealing with it all???"

WOW - your wife is lucky to have you - maybe we can copy your ñsot and send it to our men who get it a lot less than you......thanks for posting

Colt45- You have stood up to the plate. I don't think it matters what your reason behind it is. You are doing it and there's a lot to say about your actions and dedication. At some point, being a caregiver can be exhausting, so i hope you take a bit of time for you.

Colt - thankyou for sharing your feelings with us. We do try to understand how our significant others are feeling and dealing with our DX. My husband is a quiet person; I am not. I am very forthcoming with my feelings and he is not. Sometimes I have to drag them out of him but he is a good and caring person. I am not sure whether he is afraid so he keeps his fears inside or he just doesnt know what to say or both. He goes to the BIG appts with me; the mammograms. Those are the ones I want him to accompany me. The others are routine. I dont know about the other ladies but I keep a game face on to keep from scaring our youngest son who is living at home. I think sometimes if we dont go around acting sick then they worry less and while that is a good thing we are, at least I am, terrified on the inside. I am blessed my bc was discovered early and it is early stage bc. Doesnt mean I dont have the fear factor like others who have later stages of bc; the outlook is maybe not as dire. I have to admit I am appalled at the reaction of some spouses to their wife's condition. Its as if she asked for it? Really? My husband went through a health crisis in 2002 and I was there for him every step. It nearly bankrupted us with the astronomical medical bills. I am just saying I didnt ask for it but it is my turn to be looked after and pampered. You sound like a really good guy. Your wife is blessed too. Diane

My dh is also a great guy. I know he cares about me. I think in my case, the troubles were there before breast cancer. We have had to put aside the problems and deal with treatment. But now that the end of that is in sight, I have to face the fact that we still have a shitty marriage. I guess this crisis didn't cure the problems that were already there. But it may have made me( and maybe him too) get my priorities straight. Do I want to live like this? Or try to fix it? Or maybe just move on. I still don't know the answers.