Struggling with how loved ones are coping

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shawntez
shawntez Member Posts: 86
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Just diagnosed on Monday, February 25. When I told my little sister, who is ten years younger than me, she says, "We are so doing the breast cancer walk this year." She means well, but I am about to undergo chemo (before surgery or anything else). She's an african-american version of "legally blonde", she's a bit much. Our mother died from leukemia in 1994 and she was only twelve, so I raised her. She is going to drive me nuts! She does on a regular, but she is very sensitive and I am the bitchy one, so I am going to try my best to curb my tongue and sarcastic remarks. I can already see the pink cupcakes coming my way with her holding them in a box with her hopeful smile. She worships me to an extent, but drives me to the brink of insanity!!!HELP!!!!

Then there is my father, who is the cool, strong and silent type-- my hero. He drives me nuts with his non-emotional responses to drastic news. He just says, "Ok" to everything I am telling him. "Dad I have breast cancer", he says, "ok". I will have to take chemo to shrink it before I can have surgery, dad: "ok".

My darling son who just turned eighteen, my baby boy who is becoming a man, is trying to show me is can handle this. He is an overly sensitive and overprotective young man. The boy would kill for me as any son would do for his mother. He is 5'10", weighs about 295, wears a size 13 shoe...my little linebacker. The tears welled up in his eyes as I began to tell him that I have breast cancer.

Then finally the man in my life, my true love. It took 16 years of a bad relationship, my ex cheated on me, and my old schoolmate from 6th and 8th grade offered his friendship since he too had been dealing with the breakup of his marriage. I fell in love with my friend! We have been together almost 2 years and living together over a year. He is the most loving, sensitive, and thoughtful human being I have ever known! He is supportive and sometimes too much.

I am truly blessed to have them all in my life. I have been struggling with how I am dealing with this diagnosis and the changes to come. I know my outlook will impact the outcome of this. I am struggling most with how to deal with these people I love so dearly. I have to make sure that my son does not fear the worst, that my sister does not make me lose my mind, that my dad's strong and silent approach doesn't make me go mad as well, and most importantly that I do not drive away the one man I ever truly loved with all of my mood swings. It's bad enough I'm a gemini, but now I am really all over the place.

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  • Shayne
    Shayne Member Posts: 1,500
    edited February 2013

    Hi - Im so sorry you are going thru this.  

    I think for me, tho it was hard when I first was dx, I had to focus on my recovery and what was ahead.  It was pretty much all I could handle at the time.  I did keep the line of communication open with my family and friends, and went to therapy with my husband.  Its been a struggle for sure.  I dont think I will ever know what it has been like for my family.....just as they will never fully understand what it was like for me.  But we keep talking.

    wishing you all the best - try not to worry to much about your family - theyll get thru it - keep talking to them, especially your son.  I think it was hardest on my 12yo daughter, but we are closer than ever now.

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  • shawntez
    shawntez Member Posts: 86
    edited February 2013

    Thank you Shayne!

    Oddly enough, I not worried about the treatments.

    My mom had leukemia when I was 20 and it made us bond in a way I couldn't have imagined. I think it also prepared me a bit for the road ahead (in terms of chemo).

    I feel like an outsider in my own body until I get twinge of pain in my breast or armpit. Funny how I over the last 19 years I have feared getting leukemia, and I end up with breast cancer.

    I just don't want to scare the hell out my son. We have lost a lot of family to various types of cancer, so when he heard cancer come out of my mouth I saw the fear come over him. It was daunting and I had to choose my words and keep everything lite. He is my biggest concern, although he is almost a man.

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  • Shayne
    Shayne Member Posts: 1,500
    edited February 2013

    Yes, my biggest concern is also my daughter.  I went to 3 funerals, women who lost their fight with breast cancer, all within the last 6 months.  One was an actor that my daughter was in a play with.  That scared my daughter.  I had to keep explaining that yes these women and breast cancer, but it was a different kind than mine.  2 left young children behind.  One of them had a blog, and wrote that when she had to tell her young daughter that she was going to die, the daugher asked if it were her fault.  That really worried me.....so I keep talking to my daughter.  Your son is old enough to know not to blame himself....but Im sure he is going thru his own process.   

    I remember the feeling of being an outsider in my own body.....sometimes I still feel that, even after treatment.  Ive been trying to reconnect, and be grateful to my body that it survived.....its a work in progress

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  • NatsFan
    NatsFan Member Posts: 3,745
    edited February 2013

    Shawntez - everyone who loves you and cares is reeling with the news of your dx.  This first part is the worst time for everyone because of the uncertainty.  Once you visit with a couple of doctors and get a "game plan" in place, it gets a bit easier emotionally.  It sounds like your baby sister and son especially are panicking now and don't know what to do.  Can you give them some assignments that will help you and give them some focus?

    For instance, maybe your sister could take the lead in arranging for family and friends to bring in food for you post surgery, and if you have do do chemo or rads, during that time as well.  What usually happens is that people bring tons of food right away - there's no way you can eat it all or even freeze all of it so some goes to waste.  The ideal is to have someone bring something a couple of times a week.  Once you get a surgery date maybe your sister can take the lead on that.  If people call and want to bring food, you can just refer them to sis.  No worries for you, she gets to be involved, and you get food on a regular basis.  And it sounds like she's going to innundate you with pink.  You'll learn that our lot in life as b/c patients is to receive pink gifts.  People are just trying to  show love and support, and even if you hate pink, you have to appreciate the love.  Smile, accept the gift, then donate it quietly later.

    I don't know if you're sharing your dx with family and friends yet, but once you do people will have a million questions.  And you're not going to feel like saying the same stuff over and over.  Maybe your son could take the lead in doing blast emails or set up a Caring Bridge or other page for you - he's of that internet-savvy era and will probably take to it.  My husband took that role for me.  If family and friends called to ask for updates, he asked if they wanted to be on our email list.  Then after appointments, surgeries, and chemo treatments, he could update everyone with a single email - it saved a lot of phone calls.  He could also put in the email whether I was up to phone calls and visits or not - most times I wasn't so it saved people coming over only to be told I wasn't up to seeing them.

    Your dad is your dad is your dad.  Men of that generation were not expected to express themselves - strong and silent was their upbringing.  He's not going to change now.  If he and your son have a good relationship, they might be good for each other on this.  He could calm your son down a bit and your son could maybe encourage him to open up a bit, and they could provide comfort for each other. 

    The man in your life sounds much like my husband - a true treasure.  We said at the beginning of this that we needed to be completely honest with each other during this time about our feelings.  For instance, I promised to tell him, gently, if I thought he was smothering me.  He promised to tell me, gently, if he thought I was getting too victim-y.  Those were the kinds of discussions we had.  My husband was also the Keeper of the Book - we bought a spiral notebook and as we thought of questions, we wrote them down in the book.  Then at doctors' appointments, it was my husband's job to take notes on everything the doctor said in that book.  At the end when the doctor asked, "Any questions?", my husband would go over our list of questions to make sure they all were answered.  We did that for every doctor appointment, and it really helped.  I could concentrate on talking with the doctor, knowing that my husband was taking notes, and we never walked out of a visit saying oh, we forgot to ask him about something.  We referred to that notebook a lot after the visits as well - there's so much info that you just can't take it all in at the time - it was so helpful to go over his notes in the days after the appointments when we were making decisions. 

    Hang in there - the best thing I'm hearing in your posting is that there's a lot of love in your family.  That love will get all of you through anything.

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  • shawntez
    shawntez Member Posts: 86
    edited February 2013

    Glad to see I am not the only one having that feeling, thank you again. Glad this board exists, it feels like my safe place to express my fears and concerns and get great feedback.

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  • shawntez
    shawntez Member Posts: 86
    edited February 2013

    Thanks NatsFan!

    I love your ideas!

    Pink happens to be my favorite color as well as my sister's. She is extra special (in a lovingly sarcastic tone), lol.

    I keep plenty of spare journals. I already have one for my bc journey.

    Thank you so much for your helpful ideas. My son and I discussed last night about preparing meals and freezing them.

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  • bobogirl
    bobogirl Member Posts: 2,777
    edited February 2013

    Shawntez:

    Natsfan has some really excellent and constructive advice.

    I just wanted to add -- and this is not to downplay your feelings about your family in any way at all -- that I wish I had a sister like yours.  I know she is driving you crazy.  But she sounds darling to me.  I don't want to lay all my stuff on you.  But I have sisters who don't care at all.  An African-American "Legally Blonde" sister who may threaten to suffocate me with pink cupcakes sounds kind of wonderful to me, in its way.  :)

    Again, I don't want to take away from your experience.  You sound like a strong woman who has "held it all together" for her family.  And now you are worried about the impact this will have on them.  And you worry about yourself too -- about being overwhelmed by their responses.  But our sisters here are right -- they will be okay.  That part will even out.

    Meantime, eat one of those cupcakes for me!  Your darling sister.  All she will do will be some kind of expression of love for you.  A wacky expression, maybe, but real love.

    {{{hugs}}}

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  • bobogirl
    bobogirl Member Posts: 2,777
    edited February 2013

    p.s.  Your son sounds darling too -- and he loves you so, obviously. :)

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  • shawntez
    shawntez Member Posts: 86
    edited February 2013

    Bobogirl:

    I could loan her out to you, lol. Thank you I appreciate where you are coming from, and no offense taken. She is a diva and I wouldn't have her any other way.

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  • shawntez
    shawntez Member Posts: 86
    edited February 2013

    P.S. Thank you ladies! I thoroughly enjoyed your responses and look forward to getting back to you after my attempts to implement your suggestions....wish me luck!Kiss

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