How do I handle all this hostility from my mother ?

ElleRusin69 - I understand how frustrated and worried you must be.

(I, too, had very dense and fibrocystic breasts. In fact, mammos did not reveal my BC - I had spontaneous bleeding and ended up having seven different diagnostic procedures.)

But about your mom....

If she is 80 and reacting this way, I would imagine that it is probably what you said - a mixture of fear and guilt.

My mom passed in 2009, at the age of 88. She had a difficult time when she was pregnant with me, but I never had a reason to ask about DES. She did have breast cancer, diagnosed at the same age I was: 60.

All I know is that while my first thought when I got the call telling me I had BC was to call my mom, I really was glad she passed before my diagnosis. She would have taken the news really hard, and blamed herself.

Does your mom have any other health problems? It is very possible that maybe she does have the beginning stages of dementia.

Regardless of that, I think it's probably pretty useless to think that she will be of any help in giving you any more information than you already have.

If your doctor has noted that you were exposed to DES, then I'm sure that will be taken into consideration in your treatment plan.

Sometimes the answers we hoped to get are just gone with those who were able to give them to us. I wish I could have had more information about the exact type of cancer my mom had, but in those days, they didn't have the technology they do now, so probably there WAS no information that would be useful to me now.

How do you handle the hostility from your mom? Well, if she really is beginning to experience dementia, find out what triggers her anger, and stay away from it. I know that's easier said than done....but at this point, what do you want from HER?

What is it that you need?

Do you want her to take full responsibility for your health problems because many years ago, she did what her doctor told her to do, and it was a bad decision? That's what women did in her time. The doctor was God, and you listened to him.

Do you want her to apologize to you? She may not be capable of that... mentally, or emotionally.

Do you want her love and support as you go through your treatment? Perhaps you can explain how much that would mean to you, in a way that shows no blame.

I'm so sorry about your dad's early passing, and your miscarriage, and the fact that your mom's health may be deteriorating.

If her behavior is truly different - if she is, as you say, scary mad, then maybe it's time for a full physical examination, and you can communicate your fears to her doctor. The doc will know how to conduct a physical to determine any signs of dementia.

If it's NOT dementia, then you have to be able to accept the fact that your mom is not going to be the support you want her to be, and let it go. Find another support system - your husband, your kids, your other family and friends, and just take your relationship with your mom as it comes.

Set boundaries. Don't set her up, don't start an interrogation, just start a conversation that has nothing to do with health. If she becomes angry or hostile, it's perfectly o.k. to say that you're sorry, but you can't be around her when she is that angry, and you'll talk to her another time.

Dealing with older parents is tough. There is another thread here on BCO - I  think it's called "Aging Parents Anonymous"

Wishing you the best...