Feeling alone...my husband has disconnected.

PSU- Sorry to hear about your husband and your hurt. You deserve a better person in your life.



Timbuktu- I wonder whether you could attempt to be the bigger person and open the lines of communication.



When I feel down about anything, I have gone to Google to search for helpful things to read. It might ease your aloneness only temporarily but what's the alternative.

Psu, please hang in there. It may take some time for things to get better for you, but they will change. Reach out. Are there any support groups where you're getting treated or nearby? Check local hospitals? We are here for you.

Thanks Ladies!  I do speak with friends and family for support but he has been life for 40 years.  We have 2 beautiful children and grandchildren.  He and my family are all I know and want.  I hate this.  

No sleep in 4 days 50lb. weight loss over 3 months.   I think this will kill me faster than breast cancer.

I so admire your reasonableness.  My son turned his back on me as soon as i started chemo and it just about killed me.  His kids were a big part of my life and I thought i'd never see them again.  Anyway, people tell me that the disease scared him but i have a really hard time believing that.  I think he doesn't care.

PSU222 and Timbuktu ´so sorry you have selfish thoughtless uncompassionate bastards for husbands but maybe in a year we will all look back and be soo much happier

I was married for 23 years. When times got tough, my ex would withdraw emotionally and physically. About 7 yrs. ago, I decided that I'd rather not live with someone like this, regardless of finances, being alone, selling a home I loved etc. I live, materially, a much leaner lifestyle in a small townhouse in a less than prestigious area. I have never been more at peace. I know my ex would have been awful if he'd had to deal with my bc diagnosis. Going it alone after a long marriage can be scary but it's far easier than continuing to invest time and energy in an unfeeling jerk.

I can imagine that it is a very tough road and that it does change your marriage forever but marriage vows say in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Sometimes the luck of the draw gives some couples more "worse" than they could ever imagine. What would you want your wife to do and how would you expect her to behave if the roles were reversed? I hope you can redefine your marriage.

Caryn

I guess what I'm saying in my round-about way, is that some men may be hesitant to put on the "Superman" suit.   We're fixers and protectors by nature, and something of this magnitude can be overwhelming for some, because it is nowhere within their control.  

Yes, Lily, it is a lousy deal for everyone.  The lousiest.  It's like taking every thought and dream of the future, having it smashed in an instant, and suddenly finding yourself in the passenger seat of a life you never thought you'd live.  Sometimes, donning the superman suit can seem like setting themselves up for an even lousier deal.

Bobogirl- Why did you suggest that Hubby43 look for a different thread? You didn't offer any insight or understanding to your suggestion. This thread is "Feeling Alone, Husband Disconnected." What better thread for him to open up to with his personal perspective. Many of us, whether man or woman, put on different suits to get through the moment, day, week, and so on. Good for him for choosing what suits him best.



Hubby43- When reading your responses, it put a tear to my eye. I appreciate your input and hope you continue to add to this thread.

Eh, if that sort of thing got under my skin, I'd have been long gone as a husband, believe me. Besides, I know where things like that come from, so no offense taken at all.

I come to threads like these once in a while, (there's not much for the guys) because I see the dynamics of my own marriage, and it's at least some consolation to know that there are husbands and wives struggling with this as I am.  Some are obviously stronger than I am, some weaker, just as people are.  One problem seems to be that everyone in this boat, husbands and their BC wives as well, are so convinced that no one could possibly understand what they're going through, and sometimes, when someone tries, they get angry and resentful.

My wife has a young friend who also has Breast Cancer.  She called me one day, asking if I'd talk to her husband, because he seemed to be so angry and distant all the time.  I told her that he's not really angry at her.  I've never been angry at my wife for this, and have never blamed her at all for the cards we were dealt.  Just pissed off at the situation.  I did talk to the man, and he pretty much confirmed what I told her.  I let my wife be angry as hell about it, so why aren't the men allowed to be? There's plenty to be angry about, but not with her. She certainly didn't ask for this.

I'm only trying to offer one man's perspective, hopefully a little insight from the other gender, and you can take it as you wish, but if you think husbands aren't emotionally and psycologically affected by all this, you're wrong.

I'd probably have better luck starting a men's knitting group. 

Remember what I said about the Superman suit?  What I meant by it, is that men, by society or nature, are expected to be the pillar of strength, or at least be percieved to be.   Some, when faced with a wife with an illness such as Breast Cancer, are afraid to even step up to the plate, for fear of failure, because it's something that's completely out of their control.  They can probably build a house or overhaul a transmission, but something like this, they think is completely out of their league.  I know that sounds like a prideful copout, but I believe that to be true with some husbands.  I've seen it in my wife's friends' husband.  It scared the crap out of him, so he simply withdrew.

I'm not trying to whine about my wife, or my situation.  It is what it is, I still love her, and I'm in it for the long haul.   The whole thread is full of women either searching for an answer or giving the "men are scum" reply, so I gave them a no-punches-pulled glimpse into what one man has dealt with as a caretaker husband and what he sees happening.  Everything I've told here, I've talked with my wife about at some time or another.  It isn't pretty or simple for any of us, so why wrap a pink ribbon around it and pretend that it is? 

Men will eventually talk about their feelings.   They won't want to, and they may even get irritated or angry, but it can be done.  My wife and I do our best talking when we go out, sit at a table by ourselves with some appetizers and drinks.  Eventually, it all comes out.   Just remember, that when they do get angry, it's not at you.  I've never talked to a single breast cancer husband who actually blamed his wife for any of it.  It's not anyone's fault.

Bobogirl- Thanks for explaining what you meant. I agree, coming to this or any thread should be our safe place to express anything freely. When you wrote, "you think of protecting the women in this forum before anything else." You sound like a very caring person. Hopefully there can be all ranges of feelings and insights while still being able to safely put it out there. I still think that husbands can have their say too without it taking away from us feeling safe and venting.

Hubby43 Thank you for your side and info, we do have to remember each person is different though. My situation is my hubby has gotten so angry and bitter it's like he is angry at the world and everyone in it. He at times treats me so bad I have NEVER seen out of him one minute he is talkative and fine and the very next minute he gets moody and I'M like what just happened here. I'M tired of this crank ass yes he was here BUT he has changed to mostly being an ass . I was and am the one sick and weak however I feel like I am the only one keeping us together while I bite my tongue cause IF I don't here we go with an argument. everything was fine before breast cancer we have been together for more then 20 years. What if this was him I would never treat him with anger and moodiness it is and was in sickness and in health I would be there for him no matter what. What happened to the promise of true vows he changes so bad that you really want to leave and deal with this on my own I did NOT ASK FOR THIS AS HE DID NOT EITHER.

Truthfully, I am heartbroken that my husband has left and found his lover.  I could never imagine leaving anyone in my family when they needed me the most.  Support, love and kindness are the things that help us in our saddest and weakest of times.  This has caused my situation to make me feel even sicker.  Had mammo Tuesday and was scared to death. But I had to be brave and go by myself.  He had stopped asking in August about appointments or showing any concern.  I knew that was a bad sign and it was.  He threw me and my situation right out of his life.  It was easier to look for fun!!.. 

The sad part is I am almost at the 2 year mark, birthday tomorrow, daughter getting married soon and all he thought of was his selfish self.  Poor man.....  What comes around goes around....

Lisagwa,

Not corny at all. Just speaking from your heart. Women are stronger and caring, That's one reason we give birth and men can't.

I laugh when I think how they could try and run from the stirup's!!