I shouldn't be burying my mother at 27

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mtoori
mtoori Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

I'm sorry i know that sounds selfish to say it like that...but it's how I feel.

I'm Bree, i'm 27 and my mom has stage 4 breast cancer...she's had it since 09, only she didn't tell me how sever it was until a few weeks ago...aparantly it was inopperable then, and is very agressive. I only found out because she was admitted to at home hospice.

She's only 52.

Now, to be fair...Her and I have never had the best of relationships. Heck voltile is even putting it mildly. I'm her only child, from her first marriage. She married two more times past my father, once to a very sweet but not all together man, then to my current step father when i was 15. He and I have the tradtional stereotypical relationship between step parent and child. we can barely stand to be in the same room with one another. But i didn't care, i wanted her happy. I told her that the day she got proposed to, and the day she snuck off to the JP to marry him. All i ever wanted was her to be happy.

We saw eachother very limitedly once she was married, my step father and i couldn't live under the same roof, they wanted to move, i wanted to graduate in my hometown..a lot of things were said and done that i don't want to talk about on a discussion board. Needless to say, once i hit 20 my diviant streak was still very strong. I had met my birth father behind her back, i was a partier, and i didn't care who or what stopped me.

at one point, she and i had stopped talking, i don't even remember why she did, it's all irrlevant now, but she told me six months after, that she had a cancer scare, and was seeing a doctor.

I said "okay." and we started our temperant relationship again, i was there for her at her beckon call, she asked for my help, and i raced to her. I didn't know what else to do? she wasn't the best mom, but she was mine...So a few years of this pass, then my life changes dramatically, i move to another state and start building myself a life. I was a college drop out, no plans, and just needed to get away from it all, she called it my "20 something bug" and said she had it when she was my age, that's how she met my father. 

Two years after living on my own, almost 5 hours away. (not far, but still a good trip). she calls me while i was in class (i had ressumed going to school in an attempt to find myself...) there was cancer, and she was treating it. She was on some pills, and she was loosing her hair, but she said with confidence i'd have 20 years with her...

The next call was from my grandfather saying she was in the ER, and they thought it had spread to her head. A few tests and some Cemo later, no results, nothing positive, nor negative...just nothing. So i packed up all my crap and moved back to my hometown, at least i'd be closer. then i'd find a place, and get on my feet here. 

That was two years ago, right after christmas, i get a call from my grandfather again, saying my mom is very ill, and that she needs me to come see her. I had seen her many times since i moved home, but it was never more than a few hours, a pleasant visit kind of deal, (once i hit puberty, it really felt like she was done with me). Well...when i got there, she's lying in a hospital bed in the middle of the living room...and she's very quiet, My mother could fill a room with just her voice..she was a third her size, and so frail, like a stiff breeze could knock her over...i cried, i cried so hard i couldn't breath...she wanted me to know which pieces of jewlery she wanted to wear in her Casket, and what she wanted me to keep of her things...it finally started to sink in, my mom was gonna die, not a few years from now, but soon.Very soon. I had her sign the HIPPA papers so i could talk to her head nurse, and i got all the details i could...seeing as no one can talk to a child if there's a spouse....

Her cancer was worse than she ever let on, and all that time she had, she used up, it was agressive, spread to her liver, her brain, her lymph nodes, and her bones. She was bedridden, and starting to loose her voice. Which she now can only talk above a whisper, and make faces at me. she can barely lift her arms, can't hold a pen...her mind was still there, but her body is failing her.  

That was a month ago, i've seen her every week since then spare today because i have that horrible flu bug going around, and the thought of her getting it with her impared immune system...I talked to my step father, told him i'd be up this weekend instead, because i didn't want her to catch it...her nurse called me not a half hour after...she's having dillusions...she told the nurse who sees her every day that she needed to get her looking nice, because she has so many things to get done today....

So my mother is dying of cancer, she's not going to reach her 53rd birthday, and i'm just not sure what to feel...i'm hurting, but it's no pain i've ever felt..the thought of her not being just a phone call away, it makes my stomach churn. I just don't know what to do...or what to say.

i'm not religious, i never have been...but where do i turn? 

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  • lemon68
    lemon68 Member Posts: 684
    edited February 2013

    mtoori

    I am sorry you and your mom and loved ones have to go through this kind of pain. I cant tell you where to turn but it sounds like you love your mom and she knows it, and loves you also. I think all you can do now is be with her, If it were me in that bed the greatest joy would come from my kids, holding my hand, smiling and just being there. I am sorry she didnt tell you how bad it was, this cancer stuff is scary, I am sure she had her reasons. I would also protect my children, we do that from the moment they are born. We never want to see our children suffer. I hope you can come to peace with this in time.

    (((HUGS))) to you. Dont forget to take care of yourself also. Sorry I cant be of more help to you.

    Kim

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  • mandapanda
    mandapanda Member Posts: 105
    edited February 2013

    I'm so sorry you have to go the through this. My mom passed this passed August at the age of 54 and I'm 30. She battled cancer for 7 years but only got really sick the last month of her life. She was in hospice for only 2 days before passing. I was numb for a couple of weeks before and after she passed. I think it was my body's way of helping me get through making arrangements,the funeral, helping my dad with all the life insurance and things like that. I have cried everyday since she has passed because I just miss her. I wish my kids could have their grandma, I have a 8 month old daughter that will never have memories of her and I hope my 3 yr old son can always remember her. I'm so sorry to have turned this into a pity party. But, I think what you are feeling is normal and you will get through this difficult time. If you have breakdowns, it's fine. You are not selfish, cancer is selfish! I'm here if you need to talk. Pm me anytime.

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  • Eliza22
    Eliza22 Member Posts: 43
    edited February 2013

    I am so so sorry mtoori.  I understand how you feel and what it's like to have an "undesirable" relationship with an ailing parent.  There are so many emotions that I'm sure you're having a difficult time sorting through.  I lost my father to Cancer, Multiple Myeloma, 6 years ago and I remember the helplessness like it was yesterday.  I am not sure if its any consolation, but i'm sure your mother knows how much you love her and how much you have put on hold to be with her.  The past doesn't "really" matter anymore, at least not right now.  Right now is about loving her, and holding her hand, and just remembering how it feels to have your mom around you.  No parents are perfect, and neither are us children- but being able to let it all go and love unconditionally is what matters.  

    I felt empty after my dad passed away, and I too didn't know where to turn or what to do.  He asked me to be "safe on the highways" right before he died and now I drive like its my Life's mission to obey the speed limit.  You say you're not sure what to feel, well the best thing anyone every told me is, "grief has many faces, and every one of its faces is normal."  

    Nobody grieves in the same way and we often begin the grieving process before our loved ones have actually passed away.  If you cry everyday for six years, that's okay.  If you feel nothing for awhile, that's okay too.  If you cry and miss her and then find yourself being angry with her about the past OR for her passing away, that is definitely okay too.  There is no right way to grieve.  Be there for her, but remember to find someone to lean on yourself.  Someone who will listen to you, without judgment.  I'm here, if you ever want to PM me.  Im 28, lost my dad when I was 22 (he was 59).  I will be thinking of you and asking the universe to bring you some piece of mind. 

    Please don't hesitate to get in touch! 

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  • ZippyDee
    ZippyDee Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2013

    I know how you feel. My mom just passed away about a month ago, and I'm only 19. Im in college, no father, no siblings, and now my best friend, my mom, is gone. I used to call her every day, just to talk about college and life and to see how her day was going. My mom was only in the hospital for a week till she passed away, and two weeks before she went in the doctor said that they were going to take her off the chemo because she was doing so well. Then something happened the very next day, and she got very sick very fast. It was completely mind blowing to my whole family, and especially to me. Im sorry you have to go through this as well. And, yes, the pain is completely different than physical pain. I still feel it at times and I know that it could take years or forever for it to completely go away. But if I were you, I would stay with her and tell her how much you love her, and that you will be okay. Every mom worries about their kids, no matter how old they are. You all are in my prayers!

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  • mtoori
    mtoori Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2013

    Thank you all, getting these posts in my inbox has been a great pick me up this week. I just wanted to give you guys a small update, and ask another question..

    Mom's doing a bit better, they put her on some medicine for the dellusions, and she's eating now, she had a whole plate of scrambled eggs and a big thing of Ensure. And during the day she's pretty perky and good. At night though, she seems to be twilighting? very non responsive..at least that's what i'm getting from my aunts.

    I'm terrified to see her again. I'm still sick, i'm not worried she'll catch what i have and die..that isn't really what it is, i just...i'm afraid to see her any worse than she already is...is that a normal reaction? I know im going to suck it up and go, but each time, it just feels like the wind gets knocked out of me.

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  • mandapanda
    mandapanda Member Posts: 105
    edited February 2013

    However you deal with things is normal. Don't beat yourself up over how you think you should deal. I know sometimes it actually feels like the emotional pain hurts physically too. Stay strong!

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  • ZippyDee
    ZippyDee Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2013

    To be honest, I am not sure about the night situation you have. It could be that she just used up all of her strength during the day and just can't do anymore. Cancer puts alot of stress not just on the body, but also the brain. She could be needing a break from everything since it is probably much harder for her to think than for someone without cancer would especially since it has gone to the brain.  It could also be, for example, when you are sick with a fever. It seems as if (at least to me) that it is worse at night than during the day. Maybe it is the same for her as well with the cancer. To your second question, it is completely normal to feel that way. During my experience of just coming home from college and seeing my mom at home, I always felt like reality kicked me in the stomach. Every time she seemed smaller and more fragile. Then I knew that when she was in the hospital that I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see her any worse than she already was, but I forced myself to and I am thankful that I did. You only have a small amount of time with her left and you don't know when she will pass. Will you remember how fragile she looks in that hospital? Im not going to lie to you, but yes, you will. However, it becomes easier with time to, not forget, but put those memories in the back of your mind and it becomes easier to remember her as someone who could still run, and laugh loudly, and act as if this was the greatest day on Earth. I really hope this helps you and I have both you, your mom, and your family in my prayers! P.S. If you have any other questions, don't be afraid to ask. I would love to help you out!

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  • mtoori
    mtoori Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2013

    One more update...

    Mom passed away on Monday, that morning i got a call saying her breathing had changed. when i got there she had leveled out, and was stable. I stayed for 4 hours, talked with her, played with her hand, made fun of her a bit (i knew she could hear me, and we have a long standing pick on one another when we're upset rule). then as i left, i kissed her forehead, held onto her and told her "you need to do whatever you need to do mom, I got you're back. I love you so much. Goodbye mom." then i said "goodbye mommy" one more time as i was leaving, just loud enough for her to of heard me...

    she was alive another hour, just long enough for me to get home.

    We're burying her on Friday, all the arrangements are set, and i'm beyond numb. I know it will come in waves, i know that everything will hit me, then go away, then hit me again. I know the world is going to continue to move on without her. and i'm going to have to keep moving forward.

    I just wanted to thank you all for the comforting words, and the understanding. I'm so very happy i found this forum.

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  • Eliza22
    Eliza22 Member Posts: 43
    edited February 2013

    I will be thinking of you, and am truly deeply sorry for your loss. I know that doesn't help much, but you will be in my thoughts!

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  • mandapanda
    mandapanda Member Posts: 105
    edited February 2013

    I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. She did hear you, know that! I hope that brings some comfort to you. I know my mom heard me too when I had my last talks with her.



    She will always be with you.

    Feel free to message me anytime, I understand what you are going through.

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited February 2013

    So sorry mtoori. Your mother was much too young. I am glad you had that time with her. Both my parents are gone but they were much older than your mother. Doesnt make it any less painful but maybe more understandable. Its going to happen to all of us sooner or later. BC is epidemic and is not selective about age. It is going to tough for you and I pray for you and your family through these difficult times. You will get through it. Keep the faith. Dont want to steer you to something religious either - that is too personal but praying is universal. Diane

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  • AngelFaith
    AngelFaith Member Posts: 40
    edited February 2013

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Reading this hurts my heart. Xoxoxoxo Stay strong when you can and let it all out when you need to. I wish I had something to take the pain away. (hugs)

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  • CMRhodes
    CMRhodes Member Posts: 2
    edited February 2013

    I feel your pain mtoori, and am deeply sorry for your loss.  I just buried my Mom a week ago (she was 58, I'm 26), and know a similar hell to the one you're going through now.  Hold onto the memories of ya'll's last visit together and your ability to just be her daughter during that time.  The talking, teasing, love and permission were exactly what you both needed at that time.  She waited for you to be safely home and off the roads before she passed away.  Despite a rough relationship, she truly loved you.  Hold onto that.  It will make the upcoming battle just a little bit easier, as well the memories of your last visit with her. 

    I wish I knew the words to say to make it all better, to take the hurt away (for both of us) - but all I can come up with is "It'll all work out." I'd say "it'll be okay" but I know when people tell me that now, it ticks me off a little and can come across as disregarding the pain I'm currently in.  The numbness, while seemingly strange, can be a very good thing - it's your body/mind's way of processing your mother's death in a way that won't completely overwhelm you.  You'll be able to deal with things as they come up, or when they decide to sneak up on you.  It's okay too to not be okay.  Pillows do dry, and have two sides for a reason . . . 

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do and please feel free to message me at anytime.  We're all here for you hun.

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