Starting Chemo April 2009

Thanks for coming by Helen. Sorry you have to have surgery, but really hoping that this will help you in the long run.

Hope you are all having a good weekend, sending you all hugs, Judy xxx

Helen - great news that you were able to see the neurosurgeon sooner than expected AND that the surgery is so soon. One thing to consider - if you get more info on the surgery and what it entails, i wonder if you see a trainer that specializes in therapeutic rehab, if you could get some exercises/stretches/actitivies that you can do PRIOR to surgery to help strengthen surrounding areas to help ease your recovery? Just something to think about. (You know how helpful I believe my trainers have been.)
Wishing you a quick two months UNTIL the surgery and a fast and easy recover afterwards.

Dallas was fun, but I changed my flight to leave early to beat the huge blizzard everyone was panicking about. And then we got NO SNOW. So I missed the last day for nothing. Disappointing but better safe than sorry I guess. Glad to be home, anyway.

Heard two really in depth cancer stories from coworkers at the conference. WHY do people think I (as a cancer surivor) want to hear these awful situations? But all I could do was listen politely and offer support. Neither sounds like it will end well, and made me feel grateful for my situation AND YET a little shaky and vulnerable at the same time. I bet you all understand what I mean.

Love to all from the snow-less mid Atlantic.

Amy, I think that is a great idea; I may do that before my surgery too. Glad Dallas was fun and sorry you missed the last day, but you are right, it is better to be safe than sorry.

I too am not sure why people think that we want to hear their stories; although come to think of it, I think that as those who have gone through it, we have a better understanding of all the baggage that comes with it. We all know that sometimes, we find it frustrating that people who have not shared our experience cannot always fully grasp what we are trying to say or what we are going through. I know that it does make us vulnerable. My friend in the US, who was sick the same time as me, had a recurrence last year (Fall 2011) and then again in Fall 2012. Although this time, the prognosis is not so good. I keep on thinking "what if that was me?", "how come it happened to her and not me?" and of course I feel like I am waiting for it to come back in me too. I know it sounds morbid, but it is a big part of our lives. For the most part, I carry on as normal, but the thought is never far away. Again, sorry for being so morbid...

Helen, stay warm, I bet the snow is beautiful where you are.

Geri, hope you are feeling ok. Sending you all hugs as always for a great week, Judy x

For me it is never far away. I really have not gotten over it. Maybe because it was my 2nd one. Maybe it was because I lost my breasts. Maybe because I have lost most of my hair to Arimidex. Maybe because I was called for reconstruction last week and had to turn it down because I have to get my back fixed first. I feel the fates have conspired against me. 

But I try to be normal and do stuff every day that I enjoy.

Hi all,



I am still having difficulty getting adjusted to this partial denture. It's been difficult to eat because it causes pain - I am going back to the dentist tomorrow to see if he can do anything to make it more comfortable. The price tag to date is almost $4,000 and we haven't even talked about implants. Really rather depressed, just keep losing any sense of self-esteem. I'm hoping that when I feel better this will lift.

So Helen, I'm glad that you won't have to wait much longer for your back surgery, and hopefully after that you can do the breast reconstruction. I feel for you with all the issues you have felt with - I hope that the surgery brings you relief from the pain.

Leslie, I try to avoid fitting rooms at all costs....I just take the size I think I am and bring the clothes home to try on. Then I return what I don't like or doesn't fit (which is more than I care to think about).

Amy, you always have thoughtful suggestions - the pre-op strengthening will really help.

As for hearing cancer stories, I also think people tell us with good intentions, but it can feel overwhelming.

Judy, how are you - you are always busy at home and at work...makes me tired to just read about what you do.

I hope everyone is having a good day, and I hope tomorrow will be better for me

i had to stop at the drugstore today to pick up an RX and a 'sorry for the loss of your pet' card for a friend.  Going to the card aisle, I passed the Valentines aisle and it was JAMMED with people frantically looking for the right card.  I have to say I got a big chuckle out of that.

Working on my new weightlifting routine from the new trainer. Very interesting, as he focuses on ONE muscle at a time. So your whole body feels just fine, but one part is burning. For me, that is better than sweating, gasping and being out of breath. I find it very mentally engaging.  I still dont like seeing the roll around my middle in the mirror. I may not be thin, but I am going to be STRONG.

You all are my valentines. What would I do without you? Love to all.

And Geri - you have spent a LOT  of $ with that dentist. PRESS HIM to do whatever adjustments are needed to make you comfortable (and without add'l charge). Please be your own advocate about this and do not settle. We have enough to deal with - our TEETH shouldn't hurt!

Helen--do you feel comfortable with the procedure?  Or will you be getting another opinion?

My ultrasound on 2/7 showed shrinkage in all my tumors.  The largest is now 0.7 cm from the the original 2.1 cm.  The tumor "friends" are also much smaller--mm in size.  Then I went to see my PS because I wanted him to tweak my reconstructed boob so I don't have a permanent headlight.  I asked him what he thinks the BS will do when they go in together for my surgery.  He pretty much said that I will lose a big part of my pectoral muscle.  I will have a big divot under the left collar bone because of the tumors are not that close together, but clear margins are still needed.  They can't fill the muscle with fat or anything because I will have to have radiation.  They may possibly use my latissimus muscle, but I don't want to sacrifice that for back pains later on.  I feel so shallow for being so sad about the divot when I know that I should be grateful for my life that is spared.  I just haven't gotten over it --cosmetically.  Boohoo is all I can say.

Amy, your weightlifting routine sounds very interesting.

Geri, I agree with Amy, I do hope you are feeling better though. Please come by and let us know how you are doing.

Helen, dinner with your grandchildren sounds nice and I am sure they will love the cookie! You have been through so much and if you are feeling low, it may be connected to why you have come off your diet. When I am down, I eat the wrong foods and then I beat myself up about it. It is a vicious circle. You have a lot going on...try and take one thing at a time. First, the surgery and then the next step. I think if we break it down, it helps us deal with each individual issue.

Florbo - YAY to shrinking tumors! But, you can boo hoo away here! It all sucks and you can always come here to let off steam. I am nowhere near where I should be cosmetically, and of course I am grateful that I am alive, but it is still hard. You are not shallow in any way at all! These are very challenging issues, both emotionally and physically.

I am doing ok. My husband is finally home after having been away for nearly 2 weeks. He was in the US for a week, back for a couple of days and away again with his work. It has been exhausting, but...he did bring me some great gifts from the US! I do miss the shopping there ! He even bought me a box of Godiva Chocolates for Valentines Day! First time in 20 years of marriage he has given me a gift on 14th Feb! He always says "I don't need a special day to tell you I love you...". Sounds like an excuse to me LOL! Still the chocolates are yummy!

I am looking forward to the weekend; we are having lunch with friends on Saturday and have a wedding on Sunday. So all nice stuff.

Back to work now, sending you all hugs! Judy x

Hi to everyone and thank you for your suggestions, support and, as always, your understanding.

Florbo, you are in no way being shallow for feeling upset about the change in your appearance. Of course each of us is grateful for our survival, but that does not lessen the self-esteem issues that occur because of the treatment that saves our lives. I am especially aware of this as the loss of three teeth is cursing me to have to wear a prosthesis (removable partial denture) and, while this is unrelated to my cancer ( and Helen, I'm with you that a lot of things seem to be in some way related to our treatment - still believe my cardiac issues are a result, but no one wants to acknowledge that). Back to how we feel about our bodies, or at least how I feel about mine - losing my teeth is a reminder of losing another part of my body - both breasts. I don't feel attractive, I hate looking in the mirror, and I am not nearly as attentive to my appearance as I was before BC. I always wore makeup and dressed with care for work. Now I find I wear no makeup, and if my black heels hurt my feet, I 'll not think twice about those dated looking flats that are comfortable. I still get my nails done every other week, and keep my hair appointments ever 4 weeks, but if I lose one more body part, I'm afraid those things may be the next to go. So Florbo, I do not think you are being at all shallow, merely acknowledging that BC takes many things away from us and it is the reality that we trade those for life. Not a hard choice to make, but still causes emotional hurt.

Sorry that I went on a rant there, but as you may sense, this dental issue is causing me a lot of pain - physical and emotional. The physical pain is getting a little better. The dentist made an adjustment to the partial after he said " oh, poor baby, you have denture sores on your gums - no wonder you are in pain" . After he said that in such a kind voice, I promptly burst into tears! I do better when people aren't so nice

Amy - how annoying at the least to have the bleeding start up again. You are such a wise person, that between your gyn and your own research, I know you will decide on the right treatment, whether that is changing from the AI, or going the hysterectomy route. Let us know how your discussion with the gyno goes.

Judy, it sounds as though you have fun things to look forward to this weekend! Good times.

Enjoy having your husband back home and even better, enjoy those Godiva chocolates!

Helen, these are the times I wish I had grandchildren...hopefully one day, but for to ight it is Valentine's day with my dog - unconditional love! Gotta be happy with what you have, right?

I do wish all my sisters here a Happy Valentine's Day - also unconditional love!

Geri - GLAD he fixed it. Sounds like he is a caring dds.  Please don't hesitate to follow up with him for any thing else. You should not be in pain!

Funny (well not really) about letting our appearance go. I work from home now and rarely go to see anyone for work reasons. I wear gym stuff almost all the time. Wanted to buy a pair of nice leather boots this winter (like to tuck jeans into) but never did and now they aren't in the stores anymore. Oh well.  I have my hair short which requires no maint, wear no makeup and it is a big deal if I put on a pair of earrings when I go out.
When i was in Dallas last week, there were a lot of women in 50-60 age range there in our group and they REALLY paid attention to their appearances. I really could tell the contrast between their approach and mine. I never was much for fashion/hair/makeup but this is a lower level of caring than I've ever had. but I just don't care that I don't care - if that makes sense.

So....just called the gyn. She is apparently out today so definitely no word will come till Monday. I can live with that I guess. I'm not super worried but I don't like not knowing what is coming next.

Enjoy the weekend everyone.

Amy, nice to hear that you sound a bit brighter. Please let us know if you talk to the gyn on Monday. I do try with my appearance, but it is an effort. I try and look nice for work, but never have time for make up in the mornings...

Helen, so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I understand how frustrating this is. I find it even harder now that I have gained weight. I also avoid looking, but am most conscious of it when I am trying on clothes in a store. I am limited to certain kinds of necklines which is very frustrating. I really hope that I will start to feel better about it after the surgery.

So, my mood didn't really lift over the weekend. We had lunch with friends yesterday which was nice, but I felt very distracted alot of the time. I cannot seem to pull myself out of it. I am also very tired, not sleeping well. I am excercising regularly, but still not happy with how I look. Sometimes, I just try to accept it, but it is hard. Why am I having such a hard time, when we are 4 years since diagnosis? I would have thought that the further away 2009 went, the better I would feel.

I am busy at work today and have decided not to go to the wedding this evening. They are not close friends and I just need some time at home to catch up with myself.

Geri, how are you feeling?

Hope you all have a great Sunday and sending you all hugs as always, Judy x

Thank you all for your listening ears and empathy.  No one really knows how we feel except us.  I think I just needed to vent in writing to get it out of my system.  The breast surgeon called me Friday night and told me that she wanted to see me this week for a pre-op since she has finally talked to most to the medical team.  So I asked her how much muscle I was going to lose and she said "not as much as I thought!"  That was great news!

We don't usually make a big deal about Valentines Day at our house.  The boys get their loot from the school parties and we did get them some Lego toys.  But we stressed to the boys that love is 365 days a year, not just limited to one day to show our love and affection.  Hubby let me go on a shopping spree which was really nice because I think I needed some retail therapy.  I gave him a card and chocolates and wrote, "Life with me is like chocolates.  Some are sweet and some are bitter. The bitter ones are the better ones for us."

Amy, the ladies in Dallas tend to dress up more.  I remembered moving here 12 years ago and couldn't believe people dressed up to go to the mall.

Hope everyone is feeling OK.

No call from doctor today. I called AGAIN and spoke to a nurse supervisor. She started going over my chart and I said "Wait, are you able to make decisions about this?" and she said no that only the doctor can do that. So I said that I didn't want to go over all the history (AGAIN!) with her for no outcome, that I wanted to hear from the doctor. I mean, I first called THURS MORNING. I asked her if that was unreasonable. She said no. So maybe I will hear something tonight. I asked if I should just make an appt to come in and be able to talk to her then, and she said no, that the doctor might want lab work done first, or an ultrasound, just to wait until she calls. So I will. But it is weighing on me a bit.

In other news, the bleeding stopped. It was EXACTLY like a period (if I can remember that far back, lol).  4 days then done. And it was exactly 30 days since this happened in mid Jan. SO - could I be having periods? Is that even possible? Blood work in 8/11 established I am in menopause fully.   Hmmm. 
Well I will tell you what the doctor says, if/when she calls.

In happier news, I went maternity clothes shopping with my daughter yesterday. The maternity store had a strap-on pillow that simulated a pregnant belly to try clothes on with. She is 5 mo, and showing a bit, but when she put it on, it made her really big. We really did laugh about it (but it did help, and was actually a good idea). It was a fun day.

Work was quiet today - I think some people were off for the holiday. So it was good, I had some trouble concentrating on work because i was worrying about possibly needing a hysterectomy or something. Sigh.
Will update you soon.

30 years, Titan. Happy Anniversary. That is a wonderful thing. Not 'cute' but very very special.

Giant hugs all around! Sorry so many of you are having challenges. I don't have much else.



Judy I am sure you will find a way back to some sort of "normal". You are always so positive so everyone deserves some downtime to recharge the batteries!!



Amy, I would go bananas if I had to start menstrual cycles again after almost 4 years of none or even the illusion of them. While I did not like going through all of this at 40 I will say that has been one of the more pleasant aspects of breast cancer. I love not having cycles anymore and if I am going to have all my estrogen shut down and gain weight etc cycles would seem insult to injury. I hope they sort you out!



Titan you make me laugh!! Happy anniversary.



Helen I just wish I lived closer and could give you a real hug and take you out for Valentine's Day. You have had some unfair setbacks. I really hope after your surgery things improve a bit. We are over half way done with the pesky AIs have they told you if your hair will recover once you can stop taking them?? I know feeling lonely is tough, but I just always try to remember being with the wrong person is rough too. Don't give up hope though!



Geri, sorry you are still slogging through the dental nightmare. I am soooo with you I bring clothes home and return waaaay more than I ever keep but I just try to focus on how great I feel saving money! Then I just focus on scarves shoes and purses. I can always use accessories they always fit and make me feel better. : )



Florbo - so happy your tumors are shrinking and chemo is working. As for feeling bad about aesthetics vs health/life....well you are talking to the wrong gal here! I have put myself through ridiculous numbers of surgeries, more than 6 to regain some semblance of "normal" and i have at least one more but taking a good 9 months off. I need to enjoy life and recover. 2 straight years of surgery every three months or so is too much. In between radiation and reconstruction I started to feel a bit normal but then all the surgery set me back. BUT that is not meant to talk you out of it - truth be told the closer I get to a semblance of the old me, the better I feel. Do what you need to for your own mental satisfaction. Saving your life is important but being able to feel ok in your skin and have quality of life after you save your life is important too. It is different for everyone but do not feel bad for wanting to regain whatever you feel you need. It is not vanity it is a way to cope and move forward when so much has been lost! Hugs!!



Lesley

Lesley, good to hear from you and thank you for your kind words.

Amy, glad you talked to the doctor. I have no doubt that you will work through the pros and cons and come to a decision that is right for you. We are all here for whatever you need.

Hugs, Judy x