You would have turned 80 tomorrow, Mum

I am still so damned surprised that you didn't make it to 80.  I always had you pictured as one of those feisty old gals who would go on forever and we'd still be waiting for you to come for coffee on a Saturday morning.  I HATE that man-made chemicals they gave you after hysterectomy at age 36 caused you to have breast cancer!  WHY do they still have this crap on the market?  Premarin.  Pregnant mare's urine.  Even the warning label says it "can" cause breast cancer.  Well, guess what?  It did.  Four times for you.  You were so brave through it all and I know you hated the way you went out. 

When I was a little girl and we would see someone sick or showing signs of disease, you always told me "God, don't ever let me go out like that - put a pillow over my face before I get like that".  I know you wanted to go quickly like Gramps did - massive heart attack while watering the garden, dead before he hit the ground.  I know you always pictured that to be your perfect end too.  This is certainly not the way you wanted to go, the way you did - slowly, by painful inches.  That sucks.  I know you're at peace now - I saw it come over you the night you passed.  It was huge comfort to me, seeing you finally pain free and free of your earthly bounds.  I can still feel you with me every day - sometimes I smell cigarette smoke and know you're near.  

We are well, Mike is healthy again - you would love our new house.  All your friends have been here to see us and we all miss you terribly.  But you wouldn't want us wallowing.  So stay with us, Mum - we can all feel you close.  Come play with me in my dreams again tonight, please - so I can throw you that 80th birthday party that I'd always wanted to. 

Onwards and upwards, as you always said....one foot in front of the other.  Trying to live your teachings and hope that I've inherited just one ounce of your courage.

Thanks for being the greatest mum EVER.

edited to add:  no need for response.  Just needed to put this out here...somewhere....didn't really want to put it on Facebook because it's so...public.  I know the readers in the audience would understand that we never forget them, their birthdays, their milestones.  Sigh.  Thanks for reading.