Sept 2012 chemo

I've been home for a couple of hours - went to PS today for a fill.  The valium is making me very sleepy.  I told him the top of my foobie area hurts.  He explained that the cut nerve endings are sending out SOS signals to the nerve endings that aren't cut - trying to reconnect.  They are sending signals to my brain & my brain is trying to figure out what is going on.  He said that was good; I was getting feeling/sensation back.  He said eventually the nerve endings will stop sending out those SOS signals and eventually connect or die.  It is a process that may take up to 18 months.  He said whatever feeling I have at that time will be what I will have going forward.  He said it is a facinating process and that nerve endings can regenerate themselves.  He also said I should start to feel cold and heat sensations too, as well as itching.  Sometimes those sensations are read wrong and the brain will allow me to feel them as pain.  He said most times the BS will tell patients that all feeling/sensation will go away.  He said that it is not necessarily true.  He was pleased to know that I was experiencing this.

For those that will be going through this process, ask your PS about this.  I am curious as to what they tell you.

I'm scheduled to return for my last fill on Tuesday.  We have tentatively scheduled the replacement surgery for April 4th.

Hope - That is a great analogy!  Now that I've had more fills, they are 'rounding out' a bit more.

Mariposa - If valium doesn't work well for you, ask about vicodin.  Tylenol was not enough for me.  Yes, it would be a good idea to get the fridge fixed!  LOL!  Something that we did that was real helpful to me ... I was not able to lift a gallon of milk or iced tea pitcher.  DH filled smaller containers for me so it was easier.  Also, before surgery I rearranged the items in the fridge.  I moved the commonly used items to the middle shelves so I did not have to reach for them. 

I am interested in how your MRI & ultrasound turn out. I am having such difficulty with the most simple tasks.  I am sure it is related to chemo.  I would most definitely fail!

I loved the Medusa story card.  It does seem so appropriate.  You continue to inspire and amaze me. 

Jojo - 'One day at a time is right!'  We are here for you!  Thank you for your participation in the research project.  It is just so wonderful that you and others are giving back and helping women that may face this in their future.

I am so glad to have found all of you.  Thank you for sharing - for being honest - for being each other's champions. 

Hugs  ))

Mariposa- I am so sorry you are so sad, but listen it's going to be ok, more than ok.. you did chemo and whooped your cancer's ass and now you are just going in for the final KNOCK OUT with your surgery. Sending you lots of strength and hugs. 

Hope - Good luck with your first fill tomorrow.  You'll do just fine!  : )))

Mariposa , you are going to be fine. We are all hear for you . God has a plan for your life and you are being healed from cancer.

What a day! Took my son to the doc he has been coughing so bad to the point of puking...poor lil man.. With my surgey only days away I was freaken out thinking I'm gonna get sick too! Turns out my boy has the common cold... I was thinking bronchitis or whooping cough. Thought I was in the clear but nope I now have a sore throat... Wth and my daughter has spiked a temp!

All this sickness is freaken me out!



I also had surgery rehearsal which was basically a run thru of the drains, the rooms you stay in ect.... Was nice though and made me feel like I was an actual person to my doc and not just a lick n stick! But also solidified that its fast approaching...



Took us forever to get home we got 10 inches of snow today from 1 to 9 and its still.falling! School already closed for tomorrow... We drove 35 mph the whole 45 miles home...thanking god that is over and we made it home without ending up in the ditch!



After being home for a bit.... A knock on the door! Hmmm who could it be???? It turns out to be a pastor from a local church he says they have been praying for me for the past few months and he had been trying to locate me so he could come over and say a prayer with me! This man took it upon himself to go door to door tonight in a blizzard to find me and pray.for me! I was beside myself! I was at a lose for words.... It felt fantastic to say that prayer! This def lifted my spirits...



Mariposa....so sorry u are sad! We got this... And you are strong. Cancer may be showing its ugly face today but with your upcoming surgery it doesnt stand a chance...



Hopex....good luck tomorrow! Hoping for an easy fill that gives you volume not valum!

Mariposa...I'm so sad that you are sad! I know we all want perfect results but you will be there after surgery. Your tumor has shrunk meaning the chemo did work also meaning it killed the little floating bastards, if any, too. You will feel so much better after surgery knowing its completely gone from your body. Just hang in there. That day is coming fast!

Hugs to you!



Amy...I got goose bumbs from your story about the pastor coming to your house. He was an Angel sent to you telling you everything is going to be ok! Hope your little guy is feeling better.

Amy:  What an amazing story about the pastor!  That must have felt like such a good prayer session - especially before your surgery.  Your community has really reached out in such beautiful ways to you... which as I said before, must speak to the kind of person you are.  I appreciate your positive attitude and encouragement.  It means a lot to me... especially on those days when I am struggling.  Be careful driving in that weather!  Maybe because I am here in California, but that sounds scary!  Hope your daughter and your son are feeling better soon.  Start taking lots of Emergen-C.

cgesq:  Glad you are recovering so quickly!  Sucks about the tape though.  I hope that the implants don't have to come out and you are just on your way to complete recovery! 

Thanks everyone for all of the encouragement.  I am trying to shift from being sad about what didn't happen- and being happy about what did happen.  It is hard, but I am trying.  And who knows, my surgery isn't for a week and a half... maybe after surgery it will look even better.  (I did just get another Herceptin infusion after all).  Okay.  Thinking positive.  Chemo was just the first round.  I still have surgery, radiation, the rest of my year of herceptin, and ten years of tamoxifen.  I am going to live to be well over a hundred.  (My new mantra starting now) 

Last night I couldn't get to sleep until way past 4am.  The stupid neuropathy in my feet was burning like crazy.   Hoping tonight will be better.

Amy: sore throat?? That sounds like the cold me and two of my boys are recovering from. I got turned away from chemo Monday but I'll be able to do it this coming Monday. I had a fever, sore muscles and super sore throat. 

Thanks for the comments on the photo! I took three photos of me in the exact same place wearing my blonde wig, my brunette wig and then just me bald but I couldn't figure out how to stitch them together. I need an art workshop with Mariposa!!

Mariposa: like you said, looking at what did happen versus what didn't, I see that the chemo did the job it could do and now surgery will do its job and take care of the rest. Your new mantra is great!!

Mariposa and others, here is the info on the research test I will have.  It maybe something those of you with BRCA negative results and high family cancer histories may want to explore as well:

www.ambrygen.com/tests/ovanext

Mariposa - you will survive and thrive!  My tumor was still there (amazingly smaller) and I still had micro amounts in one node.  My MO said ER+ gals almost never have a complete response (AMY did it though!!).  You did great and will do great.

Amy - it was a sign you are being watched over.  Hugs!

Cherioo - I am working from home today.  I just couldn't drag myself in!

Cge - I recommend xanax for any stressful time.  I wish I had taken before my first rad treatment.

Stay safe all in the Northeast!  We are just missing it.

Hopex.... I didn't get chills till I read your post! I am gonna write the church a huge thank you... He was def an angle and god is good!



Patricia.... Keep moving forward! You are so close...



So the sickness gets worse... Last night my baby.girl woke up puking I was up most of the night with her and this morning I can tell I am def sick! Waiting to be plowed out cause we are snowed in! Then the DH will be getting me zicam.. What will they do if Im still sick postpone my surgery?

How's everyone doing with weight loss? I have lost 1 of the 14 I need to and with the fatigue of rads I feel like I may explode after 6 weeks. BLAH

jojo - I've lost a whopping 2 pounds since starting rads.  They weigh me each Monday.  On my home scale I bounce up and down depending on...who knows what?  But I've probably come down about 5 pounds since finishing chemo.  This week I've been very bad when it comes to exercising - haven't been to the gym since Sunday.  So I'm guessing I won't want to look at my weight next Monday.  Actually, Tuesday - the rad center is closed on Monday for training on new software, so I get a 3 day weekend.  Yippee!  My toasty boob gets a rest, just in the nick of time.  I hope the session on Tuesday isn't all messed up because of their new software.    Edited to add - I needed to lose a lot of weight before this schmoo got started, so the extra 12-14 pounds really sucks.

Hope--how did your first fill go?

Amy--prayers for you to stay healthy.  That was such a wonderful story of the pastor coming to visit you during the snowstorm and praying for you and your family!

Mariposa--you are going to get through ALL of this and come out an even stronger and more beautiful person in the end.  It's good news that the tumor has gotten smaller.

I had my ultrasound with the radiologist yesterday and my main tumor is now 0.7cm from the original 2.1cm after 6 rounds of chemo.  The tumor "friends" are now a few mm large.  I asked if it was tumor or scar tissue and she said that because if its lumpy shape, it is still tumor.  But they don't know for sure until the get pathology on it during surgery.  Then a few hours later I had an appointment with the PS.  He said that when the BS removes the tumors, I will have a big divot because I will have a portion of the pectoral muscle removed.  My tumors are just below my left collar bone and are not together.  And since they have to get clear margins, I will have a big hole.  I can't fill it with fat (I offered my thighs, buttocks, belly), but that will not work.  They can use my lattisimus, but I don't want to end up with back pains because if the muscle loss.  I don't think I'll be losing that much range in motion of the left arm.  I may never get to do a proper push -up ever, but that's fine with me.  Since I will have radiation afterwards, they can't do any implants in there.

I know I'm so shallow to think that I won't look "normal" anymore, but I can't help but grieve that I won't be able to wear a strapless sundress or spaghetti straps anymore without a hug hole on my chest.  Aaargh, I hope that the BS will have something to say or better news when I see her sometime in the next 2 weeks.

Even though this whole weight issue completely sucks, I am relieved to hear it's not just me. I agree I feel like if I was eating this way and working out this much in my "before cancer life" I'd be dropping some lbs....but not now, wtf!  I starting tracking my food and I've going to the gym pretty regularly and the scale won't budge. I try to focus on the fact that I am getting stronger, feeling better, being healthy, but dammit if i have to barely have any hair, can't I at least look decent in a pair of jeans...not that i feel like I have worn anything but sweatpants for the last 5 months. Ok, rant over...bigger and better things to think about

Im also wondering why eating healthy and working out isn't having any effect. So frustrating! I've been really good and last time I went for a Dr appointment and they weighed me I was like, check me out! But no. I had GAINED 2 lb! Wtf? Guess its hormones (or lack thereof) and chemo pause.