Dating Question

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jw523
jw523 Member Posts: 87
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

Happy New Year!

Starting to date again and feeling good about it but wondering how to handle the whole "I had Cancer" thing.  Is that a first date discussion or should I wait until I am feeling like things might progress further than that? Any advice about how to work that into a conversation would be much appreciated.

Thanks ladies!

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  • Joanne_53
    Joanne_53 Member Posts: 1,477
    edited February 2013

    That is a big question. I think that it is something that should be left until later. I would definitely wait until after a handful of dates. I think you need to wait until you think it could turn into more. Good luck. There is a thread called "finding love after cancer". It hasn't been very active right now but join in.

    Joanne

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  • beacon800
    beacon800 Member Posts: 922
    edited February 2013

    So hard to know the right thing.  My guess it would be like any new friend you meet.  Certainly it's not the first thing you tell.  I would give the relationship a bit to see if it has merit for longer term before I would say anything.  He too may have some things that aren't "perfect" and welcome the open conversation, when the time is right.

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  • kaza
    kaza Member Posts: 284
    edited February 2013

    I am not dating at the moment, i am not looking for a relationship but if it happens i would enter it with an open mind. I feel if i met someone he would have to be very special, because i think going through this life changing illness we all deserve to be treated so so special. If it is ment to be it will happen . 

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  • fynbos_firelily
    fynbos_firelily Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2013

    My question was also going to be about intimacy with a new lover.  I hoped to find advice about how best / when to broach the delicate issue of BC and reconstruction with new men. After mastectomies with immediate reconstruction in 2007 and 2010, my husband left me last year. Although very sad at the way this affected our girls, and at his secrecy with his affairs, I realized I was so much better off without his melodrama.  I slowly started dating in the last few months, and (unexpectedly, but gorgeously) had a fabulous fling with a sexy Swede who fortunately had had his own BC scare previously, and was very empathetic.   I had told him before we ever went to bed, but wonder if it isn't better usually to leave this kind of disclosure to later.   Or to be upfront, gently, softly, and take a risk?  It's now SO important to me to find a man who is not superficial, not squeamish, not juvenile on these matters.   Anyone with experience along these lines, I'd value your advice please!  xx

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  • cinnamonrocket
    cinnamonrocket Member Posts: 27
    edited March 2013

    Hi fynbos_fire

    I found your post interesting. I think its best just to tell your partner whenever you feel the right time is. I was diagnosed with locally advanced breast cancer 8 years ago, had a left mastectomy along with a free tram reconstruction 2 years later, and a breast lift on the right side. I have noted dated anyone or had sex since breast cancer until a week ago. I was not planning on telling the date that I had breast cancer on the first date but things felt right with the guy and I ended up telling him even though I was not planning on having sex that night. We ended up having sex and it was my decision. He did not pressure me and was sweet about everything. I also still wear a wig because the chemo I was on had a 3% chance of permant hair loss. I ended up getting about 20 per cent of my hair back so naturally it looks horrible and it is more of a reason why I have not had the confidence to date. In the morning I had to tell the guy I wore a wig also ...it was just how things progressed and that I wished I waited to let him know but i had to tell him for obvious reasons. He was a little taken by it but again was sweet but looking back now was probably lying. He was super hot and 9 years younger than me.  I am not the type to sleep around and I never thought this would even happen to me but I don`t regret it for a second. It has done wonders for my confidence and I am now ready to date and speak to guys and smile at them at the gym when they are trying to make eye contact. I ended up getting a text from him the next evening stating he had issues he had to work through and it wasn`t me it was him but he wanted me to respect his wishes. Probably a lie ... he wanted a way out and didn`t want to hurt my feelings. I am sorry that your husband left you after everything you went through.

    dina

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited February 2013

    We've had a report that a new member has sent private messages to some women who have discussed dating and relationship matters on the boards, saying he's looking for subjects for a book he's working on.

    We just wanted to remind everyone that there is NO requirement to reply to such a request, and that you can easily block receiving any further communication from him. Please let us know about unwanted messages so we can take further action.

    Best wishes, and happy dating!

    • Your Mods

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