touched for the first time after mx

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ashell
ashell Member Posts: 108
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I had my right breast removed and TE placed a few weeks ago, and my last drain removed a few days ago.  My partner is "squeemish" and was freaked out about the drain.  We would mess around and he would touch my left side, but avoided the right.

Last night, we were having sex and he took off my shirt for the first time since my surgery.  It was dark, so he couldn't really see, but he touched it.  I could barely feel it, but I lost all control of my emotions and burst into tears.  I can't describe what I was feeling, I guess I was scared that he was going to lose all feelings of attraction towards me and simultaneously relieved that he wasn't.  I had never had that happen before, he was so supportive about it.

I had been anticipating that moment for a long time, and I didn't think that I would react so strongly.  I realized that seeing and accepting myself (still working on the accepting part) is so much different than letting your loved ones see and accept you.

It was a crazy moment with a happy ending, and it brought me that much closer to being happy with how I look now.  I know it's going to be a lot better once this expander is swapped for a real implant, but I'm starting to feel more and more comfortable in my skin as it is.  I just felt the need to share my experience :)

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  • liv-
    liv- Member Posts: 521
    edited January 2013

    ashell thats such a nice tale.  glad you both are accepting, its a big call for some.

    best wishes

    xx

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  • mrenee68
    mrenee68 Member Posts: 383
    edited January 2013

    ashell so glad to hear that you are working towards acceptance. I am in the same place learning to accept my new me and with my exchange surgery coming up I feel like I have to start over with the acceptance. So glad that your partner has accepted the new you. Tears happen this is such an emotional journey.

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  • ashell
    ashell Member Posts: 108
    edited January 2013

    Thank you both for your kind words.  It is such an emotional journey, and while it helps to have supportive people in my life, it also really helps to have this forum to go to.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in what I'm going through.

    <3

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  • fynbos_firelily
    fynbos_firelily Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2013

    Hey Ashell.   Being loving, being gentle, being scared and verbalizing your fears is usually enough to draw out your partner on the matter.   So hopeful that this journey for you will be the kind that deepens your relationship with your partner.   It's not easy or comfortable being at that interim stage of surgery, and a loving and considerate guy can make all the difference.    Take care, keep sharing.  x

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  • ashell
    ashell Member Posts: 108
    edited February 2013

    Unfortunately, our relationship was not deepened enough and we broke it off.  Regardless of the pain of that and of all that I've been dealing with, I am glad to have had that experience, as it did bring me closer to accepting myself.  

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