My best friend had a double mastectomy last night

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maidenmiller72
maidenmiller72 Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

We are currently talking and I am trying to be very supportive. But I have never been a friend of someone with cancer. She also had lumps found else where. Now she feels as if she is a freak and no longer a woman. And says that she can no longer be my sis if she isnt a woman. I am trying to be very supportive for her, I just dont know what else to say to help her realize thats she is a great person and I love her no matter what happens to her. How can I get her to realize this, and be strong for her?

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  • nowheregirl
    nowheregirl Member Posts: 894
    edited June 2006
    Hi Dawn,

    I wrote a big post last night but when I hit the submit button, it went poof. Oh well...

    Sorry about your best friend but she's lucky to have a friend like you. I can totally relate to how she feels at the moment because I've had a couple of jerks say "you're no longer a woman because your breast is lopsided and you don't even have periods anymore". (I haven't had my period since I started chemo and hormone therapy.) Obviously I was hurt but hey you know there're always some stupid people who are just clueless whether or not you have cancer.

    My best friend is Aussie and lives in her country and I'm Japanese living in Japan. We're thousands miles apart but she has never let me feel the distance between us. She's been always there for me and she makes sure I know that. I've got tons of "get well" and "thinking of you" cards from her entire family and friends whom I don't even know of. When she got my email in which I told her about my diagnosis, she immediately called me and cried so much so I had to cheer her up saying I was OK. *lol* She's called me several times like the day after my first chemo or the day before my surgery. When I was very sick from chemo and told her I could only eat those fruit biscuits I ate when I visited her, she immediately sent tons of packages of them, which I haven't even been able to eat up yet.

    What I want to say is that the most important thing you can do is just let her know you're and will be always there for her. One thing my best friend said which impressed me enormously was "I don't f*cking care whether or not you have breast at all or hair. All I damn want is you to be alive on this planet." (sorry she has such a gutter mouth!) I don't really think that you need to be "super-supportive" because it might remind her of the fact that she has cancer. Just treat her the way you used to treat her with a little bit of extra concern and care. To help her out when she needs it like when she is unable to cook or wash her hair and to treat her as a cancer patient are different two things. I think now she needs some time to be all whiny. Once things start settle down, she'll be ok. In the meanwhile, cry with her and be angry with her. Don't say too much and just listen to what she has to say.

    Sending a lot of cyber hugs your and her way.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited June 2006
    Dawn,
    Fumi has good advise.
    Your girlfriend is greiving and it is normal.
    You must be a very trusted friend for her to be able to say how she really feels.

    Let her say these things, although hard to hear , it helps
    her to get it out, and sort through this all .
    You are being what a good friend should be a good listener.


    Hugs to you both and keep us posted how you both are doing.

    Carrie
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  • ladydi
    ladydi Member Posts: 94
    edited June 2006

    I had a double mastectomy 2 months ago...It is difficult at first, but it does get easier. Remind her that breasts don't make the women. Be a good listener, let her know that you are there for her. And if she uses a computer, let her know about this website, it helps to talk to others who have been there.

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  • jgrjunque
    jgrjunque Member Posts: 47
    edited June 2006

    Dawn, one thing that I appreciated most from my friends after my own double mastectomy was when they not only treated me with all the usual warped humor and joking we have always enjoyed but ALSO simply pitched in to help whether I asked for it or not. The one who simply showed up and said, "Give me your grocery list." The one who came to the door with soup and homemade bread. The one who drove me to the doctors' appointments (note the plural on both of those terms -- many doctors, many appointments). The one who let me cry when I was down and treated my pain and my fears with the respect they deserve. These are the ones I will never ever forget.

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  • cowgirl
    cowgirl Member Posts: 777
    edited June 2006

    Humor helps us heal, that and food was the highlight of my experience. Basically right now she needs comfort, and that is easy to do. You know her likes, so treat her with what she enjoys!

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  • Sandra1957
    Sandra1957 Member Posts: 1,701
    edited June 2006
    "The one who let me cry when I was down and treated my pain and my fears with the respect they deserve."

    I agree totally with this. Let her vent her fears, don't "pooh-pooh" them. I hate it when my friend asks how I'm doing, and if on that day that she happens to ask, I am not doing so well and try to verbalize it she replies with: "don't you just get up everyday and thank God that you're alive?". Oh this makes me so mad. Validate what your friend is feeling, just tell listen, encourage and tell her you love her no matter what.
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  • sherryhaire
    sherryhaire Member Posts: 192
    edited June 2006

    Being on this site asking for help shows you are a true friend, there will be alot of ups and downs, Hang in there

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  • maidenmiller72
    maidenmiller72 Member Posts: 2
    edited June 2006

    thank you everyone, for your kind words, and ways for me tobe there for her. We had some ups and downs, alately have been many ups. She is doing wonderfully, and understands that she is still my sis no matter what. I know there are tomany other ups and downs, but I let her know that I will be there for her no matter what. Ilove her for who she is not for what she has. HUGS to you all thank you

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  • laura76
    laura76 Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2006

    you all gave some wonderful advice....i am the friend she is referring too....she has helped me more than she knows....... i still have my good and bad days.... but knowing i have such a caring sweet best friend/sis to be there for me when i need it means the world to me....and she is right we did have alot of ups and downs and she stuck by me all the way... thanks to everyone that gave such wonderful advice and caring words....

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  • cinderellafifi
    cinderellafifi Member Posts: 8
    edited July 2006
    Hi, Laura. I am so sorry about the ordeal you are going through. You are still very much a woman; more so from this experience actually. Don't give in and don't listen to the negatives. You are worth every effort of fight!

    Hugs,
    "Fifi"
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