Wife has stage IV bone mat

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jamrobkin59
jamrobkin59 Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My wife has stage IV breast that has mat to bone spine hips ribs and skull. She has many good days but then there are days she is in such pain it kills me, even on pain meds. I just don't know how to help. I do all the cleaning, laundry help with cooking but i feel thats not enough. Is there other husbands out there feeling the same, and does anyone have any suggestions. She is the 34 year love of my life and this is killing me.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited January 2013

    I'm so sorry your wife is in such pain and you are overwhelmed.  It's awful.  Let me recommend one resource if it's available in your community.  You didn't post any additional information so I'm winging it.   I don't know if you are in the USA, but there is an organization called "Cleaning for a Reason" that will provide a thorough cleaning, once a month for 4 months to women with breast cancer.  I hope you are able to take advantage of at least that.

    Are there no family members who can pitch in?  It's awful when you are on your own.  There may also be Breast Cancer Resource Centers in your community who can help connect you with other kinds of support. 

    As for the bone mets pain, there are many approaches that may help her manage the pain including radiation to the worst lesions.  Please ask her oncologist to help with pain management, it doesn't seem as if he or she is providing enough.

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  • proudtospin
    proudtospin Member Posts: 5,972
    edited January 2013

    have you checked with her docs for help?  I know I was offered a social worker to talk to, dumbo here, refused but think they would have helped to find support

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  • jamrobkin59
    jamrobkin59 Member Posts: 4
    edited January 2013

    I am sorry I came across wrong I am not complaining about helping I am saying I don't know what else to do. I cant take away the pain I cant take away the cancer, I feel helpless. Please give suggestions on how to help. Doctor is doing a great job I just feel helpless nothing I can do to help. The love of my life is hurting and i cant help?

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited January 2013

    I'll tell you what my husband does. He goes to every appt with me. When I was in a bad way he did just what you are doing, he stepped up and kept our little family running. Cooking, cleaning, being there for me. You are already giving her the most precious gift you can give.....you are loving her through this. Wish husbands could take away the pain and the fear and the anxiety but those miracles are in someone else's hands.



    You don't have to go far in these forums to find the heartbreak of husbands and boyfriends who walk away.



    You are one of the good guys. You are a jewel. I'm not going to go all sappy and call you a saint, but you are a keeper. Your wife won the lotto of love with you. Ok I'm getting sappy.



    Bone mets can be really painful but they are treatable, hang onto that and hold on for better days. I hit rock bottom last year with a collapsed vertebra and fractures and pain and I asked my husband how hard he wanted me to fight....I was that worn out. He wouldn't hear of it. We got through it and though I have new problems, pain is no longer the problem so we are back in a more normal place.



    I wish that for you and your precious wife. Some semblance of normal. Tell he Doctor the pain management isnt working and to reach into his toolbox and find something else. Take care of yourself or you won't be much good to anybody.... That's important.

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  • jamrobkin59
    jamrobkin59 Member Posts: 4
    edited January 2013

    I do the same i have been at every appointment and every treatment. Not to make anyone feel sorry for me because she is all i care about, BUT two weeks after her Stage IV diagnosed i had a stroke, limited function to left arm and leg, i get around but off balance and uncoordinated. Sometimes its like the blind leading the blind. I dont know what i will do without her. Try to stay strong for her.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited January 2013

    You are near Albany according to the map. Here's one resource to start with who can probably help guide you to help of many kinds.



    Capital Region Action Against Breast Cancer (CRAAB!)

    125 Wolf Road Suite 124 Albany NY

    Phone: 518-435-1055



    Cleaning for a Reason has two affiliates in Albany and maybe they would come to your area. Not sure about the second one but the first one displays the pink ribbon of Cleaning for a Reason.





    Albany Home Cleaning. http://albanyhomecleaning.com/

    16.0 miles 2 Northway LaneLatham, NY, 12210



    The Maids of Albany. http://www.maids.com/

    18.1 miles 1988 Central AveAlbany, NY, 12205

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