My sister invited me to "Survivor" Day - why am I so irritated?

I think I understand what you mean.  For me, it feels premature to celebrate survivorship-and I'm 7 years out.  I think some of us with more advanced bc are just a little more on edge regarding long term survival.  Because of this, it may be difficult to seem all "survivory" and waving around pink ribbons. 

There are times when I feel like a survivor but I can't say I would be happy to be celebrating suviving bc with others who have never had chemo or had very, very early stage bc.  I don't think I can relate to them as much as I can relate to someone who is stage II or III.

Last year, I walked the survivor lap in an ACS Relay for Life event. I looked at it this way, I had survived up to that point.

Caryn

I find that my anger and irritation from this disease comes out at the strangest times and when I least expect it. My therapist keeps asking me to ask myself if I'm angry at the person, the freakin disease or is anger a response to my fear of the disease.  Can it be all three?? I suspect with what is happening with your friend and your concern about yourself, it's very hard to be happy and celebrate survivor day -- we've seen too much, we know too much.  Big hugs to you. We all have to do what feels right to us. Stay strong and don't let anyone make you feel badly for feeling the way that you do.

Rachel

I agree totally with just about everything above.

The term "survivor" is ridiculous and has no meaning in any real sense. If I am fighting this I would like to at lest be able to see what I am fighting. I can't,as far as I can see I'm just along for the ride and I can't "fight". I can live with it and not let it dominate every waking thought and not let the fear steal any of my precious time but that's about it.

I have lost family members to cancer and give money to help research and to provide services for cancer patients but I will never go to a rally and I will never march in any sort of "survivor" walk. I refuse point blank to be labeled like that and I fail to see any benefit to it. Like I want others to gawk at me while I stride along waving to the sidelines. 

Now I'm getting cross so I think I will go and have a nice cup of tea and finish mumbling to myself.

Moira

I don't refer to myself as a breast cancer survivor....I don't know if I have survived, if the battle is over, whether there is a second battle coming.....I don't feel victorious which is what I would want to feel if I was a survivor!! I am a fighter. But, am happy for others who feel they are survivors and may well be. I grieve my children have to see pink everywhere in their day to day lives....reminds them of their fear of their mom dying! But, realize the pink comforts and brings joy to others! BC is really such a personal journey for each!

I'm with Kathleen, I'm a breast cancer "forgetter," too. I like looking in my rear-view mirror and seeing that sucker laying by the side of the road. Each year, it gets more distant. And I hope it stays that way!

Some people are joiners. Some aren't. Some find the whole pink thing empowering. Some, like me, just find it annoying. To each her own, but no one should feel pressured into "pink pride" when it makes her feel uncomfortable.

I agree...victim not survivor.  I'm just not into all the "happy, happy, bubblegum pink survivor" stuff.  It seems to much like a party or celebration to me and BC was anything but that.  I deal with and live with what BC has done to me and to my life everyday, it's nothing to celebrate.  We all deal with survivorship in our own way but it's just not for me, I get why a stage I-er would though.

I walked in the local High Schools all night cancer walk when I was a year out of chemo.  I registered with a group and planned not to "out" myself as this is a personal journey and I didn't want to flag my status as a, for lack of a better term, "survivor".  One of my team members decided to take it upon herself to "out" me so I was forced to march around the high school auditorium for the "survivor lap" and introduce myself and how long I had been cancer free.  I wanted to crawl under a table as this was so out of my comfort zone to share my personal story.  I come to these boards because we are all in the same boat and you all get it.  I hate the sympathy looks and the curiosity/poor taste questions.  Hmmm...I supose similar to the questions forcing the reliving of a rape.  Yes cancer raped me of my security, it attacked me from the shadows, it mutilated my body, it stole my youth (ok maybe just my middle age), and it has left me scared to death that it will happen again.  

Victim, yes...Survivor, somedays...wishing to forget, always.

As much as I disliked the initial survivor walk the night was an equally distasteful experience.  Who in their right mind would think "let's line the walk with the "survivors" that lost their battle with cancer.  How empowering to see all of the people who have GONE before me.  (Yes now I am just getting cheeky).  Anyone care to put up a screen full of statistics based on staging to really depress me ALL NIGHT LONG!

I now tell people about this experience when they bring up a walk.  I still love to participate in events for other medical needs, but cancer walks are way too PTSD for me.  I agree with Kathleen on prefering to be a "forgetter" (and not just because of chemo brain )  To those of you who feel empowered...Thank you for representing for me and for bringing awareness, but as for me I would prefer to stick my head in the sand, stick my rear high in the air, and let cancer kiss my A## (derriere).  

Oh yes, Dcmom,

I totally agree with what you say. I would be horrified to be put in that position. And pictures of those who have died around the walls?

Your imagery is wonderful.

Ohio4me, Yes I know people who have "suffered" and have a wonderful outlook on life. I'm pretty sure none of them or us want pity and attention drawn to us that way.

Moira

I want no part of these walks. We have been through toonmuch. I remember crying in the bathroom last winter.

Friends didnt call. Even that friend that started raising money for a komen walk before i fou d my bc, even she fell off face of earth. Hippocrite. She only walked to make herself feelbetter

My work did a video for some pink thing. They tried to make bc cute. Made me sick

No matter which way I look at it, the term survivor seems so inapppropriate.

First, it's disingenuous because it assumes that nobody dies of BC. If you are an early stager, it assumes that you won't recur.

Secondly, NO ONE dies of stage IIB cancer - why call me a survivor for something that, at the given stage, was never a threat to my life? Medically my life could be much more at risk from a bad flu.

Thirdly, a real "survivor" is someone who comes out alive despite an experience that should have/could have killed them, such as a massive heart attack or a plane crash. To compare my stage IIB experience with those is an insult to the plane crash and heart attack victims.

No one survives stage IV. You LIVE with it, but you don't out-live it, which is what surviving means.

So when I hear people talking about "bc survivors" I wonder, who in the hell are they referring to?

And don't get me started on the "fighter" and "warrior" labels....my reaction is like thefuzzylemon's.

Somehow feels great to hear so many of you feel like this too, even though it's kind of a cruddy way to feel. People keep telling me about other people they know who had BC however many years ago and are doing great--at first it was nice to hear but now it just bugs me because as I've been living this beast and learning more, I question in my mind the stage these people were and assume it was probably not stage III or IV. It doesn't feel like comfort, it just feels like they have no idea what this is really all about with me. Like they're confusing what we have with some other disease.



And that's what survivor celebrations feel like to me, like it has nothing to do with the disease we have, that all these happy pink princesses survived something else (and I know that may not be true, and I know other stages are also hard and deadly and everything, but it's just how I feel). It just seems so misleading in so many ways.



So, yeah, Clarice, I don't think it's strange or wrong to want nothing to do with that celebration. I'd feel the same way.

Oh my gosh.  So good to be able to vent to those who won't think, "but geez we are just trying to do a good thing for a good cause".  Oh come on...

FrednTan-  You should feel blessed those komen walking, fundraising friends didn't continue to keep contact.  I had a friend whose Mother-In-Law was a "did that breast cancer thing" .  Her MIL had even written a book that was so empowering to me.  I certainly thought my friend would get it.  She had been a fundraising fiend because of her MIL, but when my diagnosing came she mysteriously disappeared.  Her kids had all but lived at my house (happily keeping hers all tidy), but when this occurred she did not even offer to help out with mine once.  She actually lived next door (please imagine me shaking my head in dispair).  This "do good for the cause" friend did however take evey chance encounter to inform me of every stage 4 she heard about and felt I was interested in hearing how poorly they were doing, how she was helping to raise money for them, how I certainly would like to contribute since I was just like them, and then to finally finish it off pointing out how there was no hope. Thank you very much.  I'll add her to my list of things to forget.   Calgon (or chemo brain) take me away.

Outfield- Loved the Arimidex Lullabye. Are there lyrics or is it just hummed.  I assume something like:

Rock-a-bye maybe,

In the dark spot,

Where the pill goes

The cancer will stop.

(sad at this point I had to you tube the song because I couldn't remember the second part.)

When the nights over

La di di da

I'll have forgotten

The words to this song

I, however, am currently hoping for a Tamoxifen Ether for my baby brats.

Wow I don´t feel so alone and crabby now - I am spitting mad that an ugly cruel disfiguring disease like BC hi-jacked the lovely colour pink and prettified it, it is so NOT a pretty disease.....I hate all the happy clappy stuff around BC - it makes people blase about it, they say cruddy things like "I know loads of people who had breast cancer, they had great recons and are looking better than ever, just stay positive"...........

I allowed myself to be talked out of getting an oncotype as I had decided to refuse chemo anyway but now I wish I knew - I read that only 10% of breast cancers respond to chemo fully but that seems too low to be true - I still think I would make the same decision again given MY wider personal health status and idiosyncrasies, but as stage 3A do feel hunted by cancer.........and get PTSD at the drop of a hat - a song called "Lean on me" the other day had me going again as I don´t want to lean on cancer charities, I don´t want cancer and recurrence scares the life out of me and as for dying of BC well don´t go there.......and I hate all this partying around BC.....I am not a survivor or a hero just a reluctant struggling angry person who got cancer and hates how its left her...

One big question - it seems a lot of you have also not announced your cancer to the world?  I made that decision also as I wanted some areas of life to be the same and not be constantly asked how I am.......

I am stage IIIB I had to do a biopsy on Monday I find out the result tomorrow. I am still living day to day with this disease. Fighting? Ya I suppose I am fighting to survive because I refuse to lay down and be whipped by it. Somethings about all the hype annoy me. Celebrities, somehow annoy me, I am not even sure why, they just do. Pink dosnt bother me anymore than red for heart disease doesnt (my brother died from heart disease). Sometimes I have wanted to take a vacation from all this and get away, yet I cant get away from it because it is always right there with me. I want to burry my head and forget but as I said its always right there with me. Glad we all have a place to say it like it is, though.

Robin