What was / is the point?

Lily, we have similar diagnosis. I am about 3 years ahead of you ( my bmx was April 2009). Everyone has a bad day/week/month since the crap-fest of cancer entered their lives. If it's persistent I would look into a new counselors and/or talking to your onc. I had been dealing with a lot of emotional crap, crabbiness, apathy, weeping, etc. After some research here and talking to my onc I decided to take a vacation from my AI ( I was on Arimidex) and eventually switched to Aromasin. I also added in an anti-depressant (Zoloft) and I am in a better place- not all unicorns and rainbows, but at least not such a "gray" world. So consider whether the AI could be part of the issue and whether it's worth looking into. The arimidex and aromasin boards have a lot of similar stories, if you have time or the inclination.

In the meantime, sometimes many of us feel like we're too negative. Sometimes the cancer or breast cancer world makes us feel like we're not a good cancer patient if we're not optimistic or " in fight mode" all the time, and for me it's just tiring. I make mental plans for if it comes back, all the way to thoughts of hospice. I try not to let it consume me and go on with my plans in my current/real life. Hang in there... Spring is on the way.. Another cancer anniversary will pass us, and the world will be better again.

Lily, I'm sorry. I remember feeling like that everyday. A woman I knew told me my kids felt they had lost me because I was so detached from life and just immersed in the world of BC...for a long time. Look how long it's been. for you mere months, of course you are still where you are. people said it's a process and I really didn't understand. But it's a process. It might be a year or 2 or 3 or 4 but you will reach a point where most days you are ok. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Be a friend to yourself.

Lily,

This disease really does a number on our emotions. There are, as others have said, therapists who specialize in cancer patients so please use whatever resources are available to you to find one. An anti depressant can be of great help too. I have been on Effexor since my dx and despite being stage IV, have kept the dark days at bay. How are things with family and friends? I know you are not feeling very social but don't isolate yourself. You use the word amputation, did you have recon?

Be good to yourself .

Caryn

Lily,

I feel so bad for you. What a fight you have. Having no support from the professionals is increasing your sense of isolation. That is a very standard feeling when your life has been de-railed by a traumatic event.

How is your doctor at helping. There must be something he/she can do.You are not the only one who has been in a similar position in your area. Not neccessarily cancer but in needing emotional support.

I'm going to agree with the others. The best avenues to help you are most likely anti-depressants and a good councillor. Is there nothing in your wider area that you could scout out. I think you need to get angry and say dammit I deserve help and if no-one will find it for me I will find it myself. You can feel better than you do now, it is possible and you deserve to be able to get your life back and get on with living.

I'm going to suggest something out of left field and leave it up to you. My husband had bi-polar disorder and has mostly seasonal bouts of severe depression. He hates taking medication and like you they affect him in other ways. He did a lot of research and found that higher quantities of omega 3 fish oils had been shown to help. Usually the dosage for people is 1-2 pills a day. He worked out that for him 10-12 (based on weight) was a therapeutic dose. He has been doing that for the last 5 years or so and has had no major episodes. He can have a week when he feels a bit down but he doesn't fall all the way. Plus there have been no negative side effects. In fact his knees and joints feel much better. My 27 year old daughter who has had long periods of depression is now doing the same thing and is finding it helpful too.

This is just a suggestion that you might like to look further into. Omega has been proven to help with depression and higher dosage work for those with more severe depression. I don't think it would interfer with hormonal treatment but you should ask your onc or someone else with more medical knowledge. Always check first.

Anything that can help is worth looking into especially if those around you who should be helping you are not.

I keep thinking there must be something in your area. If people can make comments about how your children are feeling surely they can see that you need professional help. This is not common everyday sadness about nothing. You have taken some major blows in your life and you need help to get back on your feet.

I really hope you push hard for yourself even though you probably don't feel you have the strength right now. Do it for your children then, they deserve a happy mother and you deserve to be a happy woman.

Moira

Lily, please know that you are not alone. Many women feel the way you do. As hard as it is you need to keep asking for help. Sometimes doctors don't get it until we force them to get it. Have you thought about finding a cancer support group? You can contact the American cancer society and they can match you up with someone to talk with. Have you tried exercising? When I start to have bad sometimes dark thoughts, I will walk and it has helped. I was not a very positive person before BC and even less so now. I hope that in a few years this will all just be a bad memory and I can move on, but only time will tell. Hang in there and keep asking for help, there is someone out there that is waiting to help.

All right, how about this, does your insurance company provide access to 24 hour nurse navigators and counseling ? Many of the major insurance companies have nurses available 24/7 to talk and advise. Is there a crisis hotline in your county/state? That is if you are in US. You haven't said so its hard for us to help. Many states use 311 as a number to find out what resources are available to you.



Here is a website with various cancer helplines. Maybe the first one could be of some help.



http://www.webmd.com/cancer/cancer-helpline



Best wishes that you find a way out of your sadness.