Sept 2012 chemo

Kids, Whenlife--hooray!  Congratulations on reaching the end! Enjoy the feeling of knowing that in three weeks' time, you won't be doing it again.  Yay! 

Bearcub--right there with you.  7 down, 13 to go.  Today they took ages to get me in the right position.  Two or three attempts--said I'd come in a different body!  How familiar are you now with every aspect of the walls in your radiotherapy room?  I know every inch of mine from my "lie still and don't move a muscle position."  I go in to a zone and almost enjoy the 15 minutes or so of relative peace and quiet; it's become the only moment I have to myself all day!

kelleyb and Toastie--your comments really hit home with me.  This experience has taught me so much about myself and other people.  Like you, there have been some people who have disappeared, some people who seem to struggle with how to deal with me and the situation, and some who have really come through.  I think that if I could be guaranteed that this is the end of it, I'd almost be glad for the experience.  I sort of feel enlightened by it. My view is that cancer or not, all our lives are short and precious.  Why waste time on things and people that are not important.  And this for me has certainly crystalised who and what is important.  Bugger the rest.  Let those things/people go who don't enhance your life in some way.  It's liberating in some ways.

My "best" friend, who I would have considered a good friend before all this, has stood by me since my diagnosis.  She went with me to buy my wig, she e-mails me almost every day, even if just a sentence or two, to ask me how I'm doing.  She's accompanied me to chemo sessions, radiotherapy sessions, brought me dinner and taken my kids out for fun days out when I've been feeling low.  She keeps telling me how much she admires me for just getting on with it, but in fact I admire her more for sticking with it, even though it's all depressing, ugly and awkward.  She also runs her own business and has two young twin boys.  That's real friendship, in my opinion.  I have no time anymore for fake friendships or vacuous relationships.  Why bother.

I've wondered how I would have been if a close work colleague or friend were diagnosed with breast cancer.  What would I have said to them?  Would it have made me frightened about my own mortality?  Would I have been worried about saying the wrong thing to them and therefore not said anything at all?  I'd like to think I would have been as caring as some people have been to me.  A few work colleagues have actually said to me "I'm frightened of saying the wrong thing" or "your situation makes me really scared" and I respect them for that.  I've been very open and upfront about the whole thing at work and treat the whole thing (probably inappropriately) with humour.  I'll sit there in a meeting and say something like "is my wig falling off" or "for God's sake, tell me if I smudge my eyebrows."  That seems to help take the stress out of things on both sides.

Thanks Damiana:-)

Do you have a support group in your area?  The women in my support group are super open and we have "show and tells" pretty often for new members.  We all go to a back part of the office, and the ladies who have completed surgery all show their boobs and tell us what they had done.  It has been pretty enlightening.  Even the therapist who runs the group has shown her boobs (she had a lumpectomy five years ago).  Everyone also talks about the pros and cons of what they had done.  I was just thinking if you could get to a support group, it might be a nice place to hear from others.

I had originally wanted to do the DIEP- but then I thought about the additional healing time and how hard it would be to take care of the kids.  It is already so hard!  I just want the shortest recovery time as possible.  But I completely know what you mean about having these foreign objects in our bodies. 

I asked before and no one said anything- but has anyone heard of or is planning on using the "gummy bears" for their implants?  They supposedly are less likely to leak and several people I have talked to have said that they look more natural. I put a link below.  I am not sure if they offer them everywhere- but I want to ask my surgeon:-)

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/gummy-bear-breast-implants-future-breast-augmentation-surgery/story?id=16370362

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Mariposa- the support group is a good idea!  Usually any nearby meetings are 30 mins away and in the evenings- it is hard for me to do evenings so I haven't looked into it much, but for some boobs I might reconsider   The added healing is why I originally ended up going with a TE/implant.  I didnt know how hard the mastectomy recovery would be by itself, then to add MAJOR abdominal surgery, on top of knowing I had chemo coming up and just the whole cancer thing in general- I went with easy.  Now I am more willing to reconsider.  My youngest is almost 5, and I have already had a few major surgeries so they know the drill and are good about not making me pick them up, etc.

Toastiecat... Men..... Lol you would think they would be the first ones to say bring on the foobs! I guess I shouldnt let it detour me it is my body after all plus the only persons opinion that really matters to me is my husbands and he is behind me 100% He is def a keeper... love him!

Amy  I also got negative reactions from relatives about doing the bmx, when technically I only had cancer on one side.  Several questioned it and said what I was doing was "overkill" and "excessive."  However, after my surgery, when the pathology of the clean side showed atypical cells, they all shut up!!

Basically, you have to do what feels right for you!!  Good luck!

I can so relate to what you are all saying about friends. Some people have really amazed me! I'm so lucky that I have had great support from so many of my girlfriends.

English, I know exactly what you mean about how it all becomes so clear and obvious and about what it has taught me. Awful as it all is, there is that.


Amy, it's your body, your life and your decision. Glad to hear your DH is supportive.

Damiana, of course it's weird but so is this whole experience! The lady with the foobs probably wants to "pay it forward" and help someone who is in the position she was in once.

Mariposa, they sometimes use gummy bear implant here in Ottawa and I know a lady who has them. She wanted them because there is no risk of any silicone leaking out into the body and she is happy with how they feel.

I've recently started a gentle exercise routine. Will try and walk every day for 30-40 mins and do yoga 2-3 times a week. I will work up from this to more cardio as I get stronger. I try to eat well but have put on weight and really want to lose it. I also hope exercise will help my mental state and help me sleep better. It seems the Tamoxifen makes it difficult to sleep

Patricia - hope your chemo trip went smoothly today. I'll find out what new concoction I'm getting next week.

Lemons- YAY!!!  Doing a happy dance for you

You too, JoJo - YAY!! drain free (to Born Free, makes me wanna run free in a field)  giggle

After ctscan today I had to stop by surgeon to have him check out a fluid pouch. Yep, overnight last night, whammo "huh, what's that?!"  He said it was no big deal.  Normal.  30cc, from a full week off the drains.  He's going to check it again monday, after I go over scans with oncologist.

Hugs Jojo.... Did you have all your lymphs taken or just the hot ones? Overall it sounds good. Chin up ! You are a strong brave woman...

JoJo that is a pretty good path. With the chemo and now surgery done, go ahead and have a good cry you have been through lots. So glad you got clear margins. Your poor liver has had a lot of drugs pushed through it, I wouldn't worry too much. Try and have a great weekend, relax and let the body heal....



All of us have been going down this long road for quite a while now, it is hard to believe we have come this far.



Everyone have a great weekend!

JoJo...Big hug for you! That's good news about your clear margins. I wouldn't worry about the bloodwork. Sounds like chemo. Taxol really raised my liver tests so I bet it's that. Cancer does suck and you can cry all you want. Take care of yourself.

Hopex - beautiful! I love seeing pics of us looking so happy!



Thanks for the encouragement. I was hoping I guess to hear no signs of cancer, I was close! I know what brought the tears. Like all of us who have taken the neoadjuvant route, we have waited a long time to have the cancer out. I have been waiting since July for that freakin path report and anything less than perfect felt disappointing (even though it was good). I had the vision of the adriamycin being pushed into my veins again and wondering how could those cells live through that. I just needed a cry to shed all the months of anticipation and move forward to rads.



Not helping that the pain meds have "backed me up". 3 colace and still waitin.

My Jojo you're right we wait for so long to no signs but it's ok cause over all you have great news...,, margin clear one small node......



I love your fest it reminds me of that song "it's my party and I'll cry if i want to..... Cry if I want to!!!... That's right my Jojo you cry.......let it all out ..... Then after your done lets keep on fighting .... have you had soursop and flaxseeds ... Every morning i make 1/2 cup of blueberries rasberries strawberries 1/4 of pure soursop 1 tablespoon of flaxseeds 1tablespoon of greek yougurt honey and sprinkle cinnamon........ Great smoothie.....Yummy i dont really know if soursop will help ...all i know it taste good and the last thing we dont want do is loose faith..... You're my warrior look how far you got and that beautiful long hair .... We still gonna party in Vegas right?? We such meet in September All that are in favor say "I ".......... I



My biopsy for node is positive after surgery I will know how many I have I hope none besides that one .... That soursop better work if not hope they will remove it....



My ride in chemoland was great my onco lower my Benadryl doses and no more jitters weeeeee weeeee... Watched a movie with my lovely DH...... The movie was funny and I was laughing not too loud but next to me arrived a lady that came in and Clorox her chair like if was so contagious... She was wearing her Versage dark sunglasses gold every where her hair was real and was wearing her black expensive hat and she was also wearing her snobby look......lol...... People wear that look here!!!!So every time I laughed she would give me the "look" I wasnt loud I even took of my headpiece but she still gave me the "look" lol .......so much anger lol ...... I save all that anger to sit there and fight like a warrior.....



It might sound crazy but for now i love to go to my chemoland because I know it's doing good things for me.....it's fighting the enemy and besides that ....my DH sits there and give me so much love...... He always holds my hand plays with my chia ....grabs my chin ... He always had been that way .... But it feel specially good while I'm sitting there..... I feel like I'm the Farries wheel all loveby dovy.... Lol.......



My ladies don't give up fight fight fight!!.....



Have a great weekend........





Of to get some soursop!!

Patricia...you have such a fun attitude! I bet you are a riot to be around. What is soursop? What movie did you go to?



JoJo..Have you ever tried Smooth Move tea? It is a laxative herbal tea made by traditional medicinals. It comes even in chocolate. Also, another trick is either to massage your tummy or do sit-ups which you probably can't do sit ups now.

Anticipation.....Anticipaaation..I'm singing that song.



Going shopping now for a new do! Mine is getting all ratty like doll hair.

Patricia, I say I!



Hope, yes I used that tea during chemo. Luckily things have moved! My wig is gettin like doll hair too.

Hopex:  love the picture!  You look beautiful:-)  Good luck finding a new wig.  I should get a new one too, but I hate spending the money.

Amy & Patricia:  You are both so lucky to have supportive and wonderful partners in your life.  Sometimes my partner can be that way way - but it isn't very consistent... unfortunately.  Oh well.  

Jojo:  just wanted to echo that the smooth move tea is excellent.  It has been pretty gentle- but definitely got things moving!  And crying is good and necessary.  You have been through so much so far.  And this is a big transition- so I completely understand the tears.  Big vitural hugs to you!

English Rose:  You look beautiful in your picture too!  And how lucky you are to have such an amazing friend.  I hope after this is over- and I am feeling great again, I can be that kind of friend to someone. 

Damiana:  Love your new picture too!  Bold and gorgeous!!!

I am off today on an adventure to get my special lollipop license with a friend I met in the support group.  We are then headed off to the dispensary.  I am a little nervous about it all- but figure, why the heck not!  I am planning on buying some cookies:-)  And I love love love hanging out with my friend from the support group.  We are both bald and don't have to explain anything to each other.  No stupid pity looks either!  It is awesome:-) 

                                                                                                                                            

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