Any Hermits Out There? Or Are We All Hiding?

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HHCats
HHCats Member Posts: 121
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

OK.  So I'd never thought I would start a thread but here I am.  I looked at the Hermit Club thread and no one had posted for a while.  So I thought I would begin.

I am 43.  Had a lumpectomy in October.  They got it all with great margins and there was no spread.  However, I am triple negative.  Started chemo in December.  It is going well.  I am lucky - oh how I know that.  I haven't missed a step of my regular life until today.  I was doing great.  Working out.  Seeing people.  Raising my kids.  Reading again.  Cooking and baking.  Living my life.  

Today I just went on a long walk with a friend and told him "Now I am going to lock myself in the house with my cat until the kids come home.  I'm going to ignore the world."  It was liberating to say that outloud but I know what it means - the depression has hit.  I want to hide from the world.  I can't look at these gorgeous family photos we had shot in November because I don't recognize the woman in the picture with my husband and three amazing kids.  Tears are running all over the laptop as I type this.  

Typically I am super social, out and about, and now I am hiding in my house pretending I'm not there until I have to be at school for pick-up.  Oh and I now feel like I am hiding when I'm in my wig and sunglasses, too.  I must look insane.  

I called my husband at work and told him "I'm depressed."  He immediately said "What can I do? How can I help?"  So I am surrounded by him and two of the best friends a girl could ask for - so that isn't my problem.  

Anyway, I have to get it together for chemo day tomorrow.  I'm in Ontario Canada and they will be handing me over to a social worker if they get a sniff of this.  

Does anyone else feel like this?  Is anyone else just sick of trying to act like everything is normal when it is clearly not?  

And are you in hiding, too?

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  • Laurie08
    Laurie08 Member Posts: 2,891
    edited January 2013

    So no one has posted yet - I thought I would let you know you aren't alone.  I have become a hermit too.  I didn't go through chemo or rads "just" a BMX.  My kids were 7 months and 2 at the time.  I sailed through diagnosis and surgery no problem and then after....well I just didn't feel like interacting a whole lot.

    Being an at home mom it is easy to just stay home with the kids and go slightly insane from lack of contact.  Other times it forces me out.  I always have a blast when I finally get out there int he real world, but really hesitate to do so.

    My mom passed from BC about 5 years before I was diagnosed.  I deal with alot of anxiety issues because of it- and other things, all health related. 

    I don't feel normal anymore and everyone thinks I am "amazing and strong".  Such BS.  I am not but I keep up the persona.

    I am sure you will get a lot more posts soon.

    Hugs to you- you are not alone.

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  • GottaloveNED
    GottaloveNED Member Posts: 211
    edited January 2013

    There are ups and downs throughout treatment. Don't feel guilty or bad if you're in a "down" state. Allow yourself to grieve for what you've lost (not just your breast or part of it, but your enthusiasm, your hope, or whatever else cancer has taken from you). Let your support people help you. "Turtle away" if that's where you are right now. If there is a silver lining to cancer it's that as a cancer patient you have a lot of freedom to not be your regular self. If you think you're slipping into too dark of a place and are worried about depression, talk to your onc. Otherwise... Remember... There may be a lot of gray days, but eventually the sun comes back out. (Even in Canada... I'm in Wisconsin... I understand the winter blahs...)

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  • a-childs-prayer
    a-childs-prayer Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2013

    I am only about 6 weeks from surgery.  I really don't want to go out.  I can't find anything comfortable that "hugs" me, so I end up bouncy and breezy (single mastectomy) ------which isn't very comfortable.  I don't like feeling naked.  I look down at my chest and wonder what happened.  I went for a weekend with my grandson and my husband, something that I always enjoy - and I found myself unable to really enjoy myself.  I so wanted to be "normal" for a few days.  As soon as I was home alone, the tears started.  Soon I will be starting chemo.  I so dread this.  On and on.  And my mother and Aunt died from breast cancer.  It haunts me.  Yes, I want to hide.  Are you feeling better?

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  • curveball
    curveball Member Posts: 3,040
    edited June 2013

    I'm a hermit too. Things have been more active recently in the Hermit Club, so check it out again. You'll find a lot of others who feel the same way.

    @ a-childs-prayer, have you talked with anyone about genetic testing? With two close female relatives who died of breast cancer, you could have one of the genetic mutations that increases your BC risk. I just sent up a prayer that you will have peace during your chemotherapy and the dread will go away and stop bothering you.

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