Sept 2012 chemo

Mariposa- good luck with the lunch, I get your ambivalence and it is prompting me to blow off some steam.  I do hope, though, that it turns out to be a pleasant surprise.  You never know.

I am feeling like I have slid into another dimension, in large part to being out of the office.  Like I am invisible most days.  Missing from my own life.  At the beginning everyone says the same things, don't they?  Let me know what I can do to help!  Then...crickets chirping.

This is a long haul and people get bored.  Hell, I'm bored with breast cancer and as my oncologist said last night "you have a lot of treatment left". 

I had mercy on my colleagues and started working at home when I began to look beaten down (aka the exhausted alien look) by chemo.  They really didn't want to look at cancer girl all day, it made it awkward to continue the water cooler gossip sessions, I guess.  And I understand that.  Though I didn't want to talk about cancer with them, I guess they felt obligated with me sitting there, then I felt obligated to talk about it and somehow manage not scare or depress anyone in the process.

My ultimate grudge is reserved for the group of people who get updates on me through my DH or my mom, or lamer still, Facebook, but avoid calling or emailing me.  It feels like a sneaky way to, as you said, get "credit".  I pretty much gave up on trying to keep in touch with folks during treatment because it felt like I was expected to reassure everyone that THINGS WERE OK, really, it's not that bad, ha ha, yeah, it's hilarious that I have to draw on eyebrows each morning. 

Most folks are probably thinking a variation of what you said "I'm glad it's not me".  I probably would, too, if an exhausted alien was among my colleagues.

I just read the novel "The Fault in Our Stars", and though it's aimed at the YA audience, I really loved, and kind of perversely was cheered up by, how the narrator just nailed the whole chasm and tropes that lie between/among cancer patients and the healthy people in their world.  How it's futile to expect people to understand if they haven't gone there and how we must craft our own new life & world with a lot of thoughtfulness and acceptance of reality.

Here's hoping your colleagues step up and show you a proper good time. 

Morning all.... I got my butt out of bed this morning and did a mile on the treadmill it wasnt a huge step but its a start and it felt great! I plan to keep on it and up the distance slowly till I get back to my 5 miles a day on my bike... This could take till April with surgery and all but having a goal and something positive to focus on feels amazing!Oh and starting a food journal.

Marianelizabeth..Hoping all comes back okay... Prayer and hugs for you keep us posted you are not alone!

Hopex...Biotin helps promote healthy hair and nails. I take 5000mg perday. Oh and my hair came in white with no color and slowly turned my natural color of a dark brown. Now dont let me fool you there is some grey in there lol but it took about 4 weeks to start to darken. Its been since Thanksgiving and is now pretty dark.

Mariposa... I agree with Hopex be confident we are so much stronger due to dealing with cancer... Those office girls have no idea what strong is! Go for it....

KellyB.... You are absolutely right about the feeling of expecting to reassure everyone! Where the hell is our reassurance? My DH and kids are all the reassurance I need anyway, this is so ass backwards!

Cherioo...Blab on all you want I am loving the insite, Im the kinda gal who has to have all her ducks in a row to relax! I have my ipod put on the list for the hospital among other things I love the idea of no help physically to get up and around this def looks like it has to be self motivated to help heal faster. I googled some exersices to prevent lymphodema after mastectomy but want to run it by my surgeons as to how soon I should start. I will be having a full ALND on the right side so I am wanting to get it under control asap! I also plan to call the social worker at the hospital today and get a nurse lined up if at all possible. My DH is going to take the whole week off of work to help around here lord knows I will need it with 3 kids 4, 7 and 15. All the rest of my family is 3 hours away so we have been pretty much on our own. Thanks again for all the support you have offered over the last few days. It has def helped get my ball rolling...

My list for the Hospital/Home so far.....

*alcohol pad (I heard a little tip that this helps you milk your drain tubes and cleans them at the same time)*roll of quarters for those at the hospital waiting for you perfect for vending machines.                                        

*my own blanket(Im always freezing)

*Pillow for under the seatbelt on way home plus to sleep with

*slippers

*hoodie and sweats to go home in

*Ipod to drownd out the hospital noise

*cold packs for soar foobs

*pill organizer box

*Stool softener

*Throat drops ( heard the tube they put in during surgery can make your thoat hurt)

*Button down shirts

*house coat

*paper plates/cups

*book to read

*rip front bras

*a new recliner!

If I can think of anything else along the way I will post it for any of you who are interested but hisa is a good start! I also heard its a great idea to go to a thrift store and get some hoodies as you can cut the pockets on the inside and keep your drains in them

                   

I had my surgery prior to chemo.....I would add silk pants to sleep in. It helped sliding in and out of bed. I also cut small holes for the drain tubes in my sports bra because the tube between the bra elastic and my skin was really painfull. I slept on a wedge pillow for a couple of weeks too:) I have my exchange surgery scheduled for the beginning of Febuary and am planing to do all these things again. Hang in there! It only gets better!

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and words of wisdom!  It is so helpful to know that I am normal and that you all feel some of the same things.  I tossed and turned all night last night thinking about this lunch.  At about 3:30am I decided not to go, and then I was able to sleep.  I guess I don't need the anxiety right now.  I will meet with them later and work it all out.  But for now, I am just focused on doing what feels right and causes me the least amount of stress and heart ache.  I feel kind of like a big coward- but it doesn't matter.  I have to be strong for too many other things right now.  Plus, these particular co-workers are the most gossipy of all of my coworkers- and they love to gossip about the two people in our office who have actually been in contact with me the most.  So, I just don't want to be in a position where I would have to tell them to shut up.  Everything feels so complicated.  I am sure it isn't really.  But it feels overwhelming today.  I am glad that I am not going.

Kelly:  Thanks for everything you said!  I feel so much of the same thing.

Amy:  I love the list!!! I am totally going to use it in February when I go.

Toastie:  Again- I am feeling so much of what you said too.  I hate the whole "You look so good" statements too.  It feels like they expect me to look like death- and then I feel like if I look too good, maybe they think this whole thing isn't nearly as awful as I say it is.  Oh well.

On the other hand, like so many others have said- I have had some people step up in ways that I would have never imagined- and because of it we are closer.  I guess I need to focus my emotional energy on those people and feel lucky.

JoJo;  Thanks for the info about how you are doing!  I can't wait until I am on the other side of surgery so I can focus on recovery.

Thanks again everybody!  I love this group so much.  I am giving everyone a big virutal hug!!!

// <![CDATA[
var __chd__ = {'aid':11079,'chaid':'www_objectify_ca'};(function() { var c = document.createElement('script'); c.type = 'text/javascript'; c.async = true;c.src = ( 'https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://z': 'http://p') + '.chango.com/static/c.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(c, s);})();
// ]]>

Thanks for all the surgery tips you ladies are posting.  Perfect timing.  Sounds like they are trying to schedule mine for Jan 21 - that's SO SOON!  Am I ready? I don't know - but I do know I need to get this thing out of me.  I hope I can handle surgery less than 4 weeks after my last chemo.  As expected, my BS wanted me to do my last chemo -- just to complete the entire course.  I don't like having to make decisions, but if its not shrinking, I think I'd rather have surgery sooner than later.  So last tx canceled.  Am I PFC?  I've been too afraid to ask them if I have to do chemo after, but no one has mentioned it.  Maybe it depends on what they find in surgery.  Quite frankly, I'd rather start tamoxifen ASAP, as maybe that works better for me (hopeful).

I finally got a look at my MRI, ultrasound, and mammo results.  I am quite suspicious as to the origin of these four satellite tumors.  I just find it odd that they weren't noticed on the first ultrasound with biopsy.  I had FOUR tissue samples removed from my tumor at biopsy.... and then months later when they do another scan, there are FOUR satellite tumors near the tumor.  Coincidence?  Who knows --  Regardless, it will all be out soon enough! Nervous but can't wait at the same time!

Ok, just wanted to update you all on my story, for those that were following along....

Mariposa - good for you for putting your well-being first.  I swear one day science will discover that exposure to gossip causes cancer and that's why so many of us gals get it.

I envy you that you look good during chemo!  It has caught up with me, and that was just from the weekly Taxol.  I dread what I'll look like in the wake of the AC.  I'll need a bag to put over my head, like the Unknown Comic used to wear.  The Unknown Cancer Patient!  I'm gonna need more than a Lifestyle Lift when this is all over with.

Toastie - I, too, am doing a lot more of the heavy lifting in all relationships post diagnosis.  What dang good is it to say "just let me know how I can help".  I want to say bitch, please, you are a woman, you know what needs to be done to keep a house in order.  Hint hint...laundry, sweeping, heck, order me a pizza sometime if you don't want to actually come over here.  It's insulting, or at minimum, disingenuous.  I've heard it too many times to take it seriously. 

When people do step up, it's really random and spontaneous, which is awesome.

As for friends disappearing, yep, it's happening - they all want to have what I have come to call the BIG CANCER TALK, that initial phone call to get all the horrible details about how I discovered the cancer, what treatment entails, etc., then it's a slow fade to crickets chirping.  This may be distancing - if they think I am going to be worm chow sooner rather than later I guess that could be scary and they want to get away from the exhausted alien.  Guess I have cancer cooties!

My cancer experience has taught me that unless someone has gone through chemo there is no way they will come close to understanding what we are going through, and how profoundly we are impacted by the rigors of treatment.  It's a particular hell on earth that for some reason the medical community insists on sugar coating.  

Ok, rant over - love the ladies of this group!!!

Well I returned to work this week - I'm absolutely exhausted!  It was good to be back, but it was as if I never was gone.  The workload is ridiculous!  I did not forget to wear my wig (like my dream indicated) and some people actually thought it was my real hair.  As hard as it is right now, it is good to have some normalacy back.

DH has a terrible cold now.  Even though we're behind a couple of weeks, this Sunday we were going to celebrate my last chemo by seeing 'TOTEM' - the Circque de Soliel show.  I hope we both are up for it!

Amy - Congrats on completing a mile!  That is awesome!  What a great feeling.  Also, your list is great.  I had done some of the same, but forgot to include them in my list.  So many things to think about!

KellyB - Yes it seems like eveyone needs to be reassured that we are okay.  I think it helps them cope with OUR DIAGNOSIS better.  It gets exhausting after awhile.  Your hints ring so true.  I was pleasantly surprised when a friend of mine (that lives out of state) arranged for 2 house cleanings.  Some of the friends that live the closest have disappointed me.

Jojo - So glad you are feeling better!  Be sure to get plenty of rest!

Mariposa - I am glad you decided to do what was best for you.  No room for any extra stress! You are no coward!

Jodirocks - Good tip on the silk pants.  I will be having my exchange surgery within the next few months (date not set yet), so I get to prepare all over again too.

Toastie & Mariposa - I too feel what you said too.  I'm tired of the "You look so good" - "You look great" - "You would never know..." statements too.  What am I supposed to look like?  I returned to work on Monday and I have heard these statements over and over.  It goes back to people not knowing what to say.

Whenlifegives - You are right on target with your comments.  In the beginning, it seems like everyone is in a frenzy and then things plateau.  Life is so busy.  I think people go back to their routines and their focus changes.  It's sad, but in many cases that's what happens.

Hugs to all : )))

Chemo finally done. Next step is BRCA testing. It will be next month. Waiting for them to call me with my appt. The waiting for the appt is terriable and I can't even imagine waiting for the results. Eveytime after chemo my right eye twitches, drive me nuts. Can't wait for the next few days to pass.

YAY Kidsandlabs!!!  ((sooooooooooo jealous :P))

To all of you about the 'so called friends':  I am not believing this.  This is horrible.  I don't have any family or friends here, and thankfully some acquaintances have come out of the woodwork.  But for friends to bail on you now, OF ALL TIMES?!  wth!?

I wish I was there to give them a talking to   I know some people are stupid, some people can't deal with such things, some people are just rude....but there really is no excuse.

{{{BIG, GENTLE HUGGS TO YOU ALL}}

Kidnlabs.... Congrats! Upward and onward to the next chapter.. Chemo seems like the longest hardest one!

Thanks for the rads info. Congrats to those finishing chemo. I finished treatment 13 today. Three to go! Cannot wait to get these behind me. I read everyone's posts. Love you all very much. You are wonderful strong women and our world is a better place with you in it! Thanks for being here. Wouldn't make it each day without u! Low se's to all. Hope I sleep tonite!!

Faith:  Congrats on going back to work:-)  I am looking forward to that less than surgery and radiation!

Kelley: I love what you said about when they ask you what they can do!  I also hate the cancer updates.  Especially if they are the ones that never call.   I do write a blog to give people information.  If they are really interested, they could read it instead of bugging me about it.  (That sounded kind of mean didn't it !)  Cancer is kind of making me a little less able to put up with BS. 

Whenlife:  Cancer is awkward!  Isn't it!!!

PatinMN:  Thanks for the info about the difference from a lot of us and the study on rads.  I am her2 as well, so it probably won't be in the cards for me either (darn it).  But it is always good to ask the questions and have the information.  That way I can feel more secure in whatever the treatment is... and if down the line I have the bad SEs, I know I did due dilligence to get as much knowledge as I could:-) 

Kids:  Congratulations!!!  Hope the eye stops twitching soon!

Jojo:  Hope you can get the drain out tomorrow!!! 

// <![CDATA[
var __chd__ = {'aid':11079,'chaid':'www_objectify_ca'};(function() { var c = document.createElement('script'); c.type = 'text/javascript'; c.async = true;c.src = ( 'https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://z': 'http://p') + '.chango.com/static/c.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(c, s);})();
// ]]>

Good morning ladies !!!!!



Jo I'm so happy that you're getting the drains out so quick



Amy I'm loving that list... I will walk soon too 5 miles sounds good !!!



Mariposa always remember that right now is first you 2nd you and 3rd you... Just focus on you... To be honest I had so many friends before I had BC and i slowly push them out the way cause I believed they were all fake...... So for years i only hung out with my sisters and daughter and 3 friends .... And it feels good have few people in my life....... Friends come and go.... But its my choice who stays and who goes and i choose right...,...



When I went back to work every one was soooooooo nice to me ..,yes got the same comments " you look great"... Your wig looks great .... And all that ..,.. To me it felt good cause I knew I look great... Lol...lol....



All my coworkers are very nice they wanna always help me out ... There is just one dumm one that says that I "gain weight and that I need to stop eating" ... So finally I told him why im FAT lol... He said ohhhhhh.....



I work with a lot of young people so they are funny and very out going and that's how I am too even dough I will be 40 this month it feels like 25 ....so ladies don't waste your time on gossips or any of that we have each other and I know we have done kick ass job on supporting each other if you ALL could only live around me I would always be here for you!!!



Well I'm of to chemo land ... To get on my BGC and get a hell of ride!!!!! See you when I get off .... Weeeeeeeeeee. Weeeeeeeeee

Chemo finale this afternoon! 

Patricia:  Thanks!  I think you are so right  Hope you have an easy ride today -and no SE!!!

Jojo:  Congrats on getting rid of your drain.  I think the drains are the things I am most anxious about regarding surgery (and of course seeing myself for the first time afterwards)

Whenlife:  Congrats on your final chemo!!!  Hope it is a super easy round and you are on the mend quickly.

Hopex:  I was thinking when I go back to work that I am going to have to remove all of the kids car seats from the back seat so I can fill it with pillows and blankets - and put in a little alarm clock:-)

Okay- I have had this weird side effect from chemo- at least that is what I think it is from.  I have never been a drooler when I sleep, but now- I have become a crazy drooler.   Does anyone else have this issue???  Weird.

Oh- and I also wanted to just say thanks to those who many months ago recommended smooth move tea!  It has helped a ton.  And it is  gentle- which is nice.

Talk to you all soon!  Today I am cleaning up and getting ready for my sister's visit.

// <![CDATA[
var __chd__ = {'aid':11079,'chaid':'www_objectify_ca'};(function() { var c = document.createElement('script'); c.type = 'text/javascript'; c.async = true;c.src = ( 'https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://z': 'http://p') + '.chango.com/static/c.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(c, s);})();
// ]]>