It's dec 30th, let the truth be known about how i feel

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It is important they say to tell other how you feel.  This is the way I feel today...

I don't want chemo

I don't want radiation

I don't want hormone therapy for 5 yrs

The side effects of everything scares the hell out of me.  I feel good today.  I want to feel good even if its only for 5 years if I do nothing and then the cancer rears its ugly head somewhere else.  I would then get in bed with my laptop and TV controller, take some mind altering medication to feel nothing and wait to die. 

In my quest to decide what to do with treatment I have asked many of you questions.  You have all been wonderful in answering me but with every question I ask and you answer I have 10 more questions.  I have asked a least 10 questions which means I am now up to an additional 100 questions.  I am overwhelmed. 

This is what I am going to do for the next 24 hours......put away my diary, notebook, medical records, list of things to research, and tear up my list of good food I need to eat from now on.  I will celebrate New Years like there is no tomorrow and not think about cancer because today I feel good.

I will decide Jan 1st what road I will take and start asking questions again.

That is the truth about how I feel today about this stinking cancer

Comments

  • juliaanna
    juliaanna Member Posts: 1,043
    edited December 2012

    Jabal, Good for you!!!  It's important to take a step (or 10) away.  I hope you don't read this until next year.

  • SheChirple
    SheChirple Member Posts: 954
    edited December 2012

    I agree jabal!!  Take a break. Don't let BC be your every day.

    I have been 'dealing' for over a year.  My next action is another surgery, but not until May 24th, 2013.  So, I plan to take time off from BC.org, brom BC in general.  Try to forget what I have, what I am going through.  There are actually days that I can do that (after I am dressed for the day and before I take my evening meds).  For a few hours, a few minutes, every day I 'forget'.  Those are blissful moments.

  • mgdsmc
    mgdsmc Member Posts: 332
    edited December 2012

    Ladies

    I can say since 2/15/12 BC has changed and consumed my life and changed it in ways I didn't plan. For the last 3 days I have thought about what the new year will bring me.



    So I am done letting BC rule my life. I'm still healing and have rads plus tomoxifen to do but I'm going to live my life as I did before. I'm done not drinking or partying like I use to. I'm done reading research that says drinking increases chances of BC yet people who never drink get it or stop it reoccurs. I'm tired of skipping fast or frozen food for the same reason. Going organic vegan ect still no guarantee I'm done that's it!



    I will do my rads Monday- Friday like a job for 6 weeks than I'm done. Tomoxifen will be taken with my vitamins for 5 or 10 years whatever my MO says. I didn't drink or party a lot before no medical issues at all no medications. No diabetes high blood pressure ect and still here I am.



    So my new year will equal a new life that resembles my prior life before BC. It can't be exactly the same but close.



    Happy new year everyone!

  • DC197
    DC197 Member Posts: 371
    edited December 2012

    Jill,

    This is a good time to float down the river D'Nile.  We all need to do that once in a while.  Then take a fresh start in 2013.  The things that you don't want, those are the same things that none of us want.  We just want our lives back without thinking about all this crap. Then, with a clear head, be grateful that we are not in this alone.  We have doctors, medicines, and our bc sisters to help us deal with all this.  2013 will be a good year for you .. you with rid your body of all the bad stuff, and you will be back to your normal self!  Best wishes for the New Year!

    (((hugs)))

    Diane

  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited December 2012

    I was dx in dec of 2010. I remember feeling the same way. Just know by this time next year you will be through the worst of it. Two years later life is wonderful. You will get there but until then I am praying for you my dear BC sister! Hugs!!!

  • coraleliz
    coraleliz Member Posts: 1,523
    edited January 2013

    jabal-deciding on Jan 1st seems rushing it to me. I'd take longer(did take longer). I found the treatment decision part of the process to be the worst. Good luck!

  • Jennie93
    Jennie93 Member Posts: 1,018
    edited January 2013

    jabal, I totally understand!  And I'm sure most everyone else here does, too.  And this is exactly the right spot to say whatever you want.  We get it.  Vent away!

    I was just commenting to someone the other day about what a strange disease cancer is.  With most anything else, the disease makes you feel bad, and the treatment makes you feel better.  But cancer is the opposite.  I felt fine, healthy, great until that fateful mammogram!  Since then I've had to have surgery that caused pain (still), chemo that makes me sick, next up rads and tamoxifen which have their own horror stories.  All to make me better!  Yeah, that's the tough thing about this.

  • jabal
    jabal Member Posts: 79
    edited January 2013

    So good to hear from all of you.  I would like to say I am over my fit but I am not.....I appreciated the comment about how you feel good and then the mammo comes and it all goes to hell from there.  I thought the same thing.  I remember the day I was supposed to talk to the surgeon I thought "What am I doing?  I feel great and have every day, why would I volunteer to start non stop pain and heartache just because someone tells me I have cancer".  Talk about denial.  You know the very second your wonderful life is going to change and your walking right into it.  Hard to take.  Today I spent the day with my 3 yr old grand daughter.  About half way through it dawned on me I have cancer....now I am a firm believer in the power of the subconscious mind.  Your mind accepts whatever you tell it , as truth, it will happen so instead of saying I have cancer, I made a banner that says "my body is perfect and healthy in everyway and I will live a long happy life".  I hung this monster next to my bed so I can see it alot.  If you have never read it....do so "power of the subconscious mind"  Am I over my pity party...hmmmmmmm   maybe

  • bcjlmfar
    bcjlmfar Member Posts: 3
    edited January 2013

    Pity parties may come and go. I don't know anyone who can stay positive all the time. Please take more time to list the pros and cons of treatment. Also, consider what at least two experts advise you to do. Not everyone has a horrible time. We are strong and take the treatment to help extend our years. We have no idea how long we will be here with or without treatment, but I believe most of us want to fight for more years. Treatment may keep you around for many years to come so you can see those grandchildren grow. That is worth it.

  • bcjlmfar
    bcjlmfar Member Posts: 3
    edited January 2013

    Pity parties may come and go. I don't know anyone who can stay positive all the time. Please take more time to list the pros and cons of treatment. Also, consider what at least two experts advise you to do. Not everyone has a horrible time. We are strong and take the treatment to help extend our years. We have no idea how long we will be here with or without treatment, but I believe most of us want to fight for more years. Treatment may keep you around for many years to come so you can see those grandchildren grow.

  • Maureen1
    Maureen1 Member Posts: 614
    edited January 2013

    I am grateful that my surgeon started my journey with positive thinking...she said "First, you are not a victim, you are a survivor. Second, this is not a death sentence. And third, you are a strong, healthy woman who happens to have breast cancer, you are not a sick woman. We will fight this together."

  • RosesToeses
    RosesToeses Member Posts: 721
    edited January 2013

    The best thing I heard during all this was from my primary care doctor, just a few days after my dx.   She's older and says exactly what she thinks (I love that!) and she said, "Well, it's going to be one F***ed up year, but I don't think you're going to die from this!" 

    I know she was right about the year and I hope she's right about the dieing part--but now that I've gotten through the active stuff (as of last week!) I can see my life getting to more of an even keel.  Not the same as before, but nice again, you know, now that my f-ed up year is over ;)

    It does stink, but there will be an end to it, and you'll get through it, I promise!

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