Sister with newly dx Stage IV completely pushing me away...

I' taking a different point of view---Is it u'r sister that has actually changed this last year  or is it her husban who likes her to be free from her family. U'd have to have a good haandle on how well u really know u'r sister and her husband.

Sometimes they really want to be alone going thru all  this mess--In my opinion I woould want my sister with me every minute. I t seems strange that she tells people than shuts u out. Do u get along well with her husband, do u like him? Can u call and talk to him? or is that strained also.Were u always close to u'r sister or did she keep a distance?--I'm asking all these questions just to have u think of the whole picture. But again I would go out there on the next plane and stay with her for a while to see just what is happening and u can always say u'r family is worried and u'r kind of the rep. for them since she wouldn't want everyone coming at once. Good Luck.

Daisy--to me it sounds like her husband is in contol and she dare not offend him--and u (ro him) sre a big threat to his way of keeping his control. And when women are in that situation rheir fear over rides there xommon courtesy He sounds selfish, mean and a piglke man, bt u'r sister has to deal with him, so she doesn't want any bumps in this road cuz he can react.

I wouldn't take it personally cuz she's so scred of her conditin and who knows she mifhr be afraid he'll leave so she's more vigilant in pleasing him. When women get this far into a relationship the don't know what else they can do. So they close themselves up to the world, because he's her world now. It's such a sad situation and u wonder how any woman can put up with this type of treatment, but even the healthy woman gets stuck like this so imagine if she's sick and scared--she's not going to stand up to him.

I know it's breaking u'r heart and I understand--personally I know what I would do--but being older I don't give a damn about bad people and at this point u really can't help her unless she asks for help. Please don't be so hard n u'rself or u sister--u know the true her and she sounds like she reacting to the true him--kind of like she's protectin herself mentally at least. If there is anyway u can call and talk to her why don't u just call and tell her u'r thinking about her and hope she feels better then say ood-by Just to show u'r support for her. She's afraid now of everything so that's leaves u kind of out of her life and it does sound like it's about him.

Good Luck and keep us posted

Im sorry but I am speechless reading that your sister is the one dying from cancer and you are the one talking about it will take 'a long time to forgive her' and that her situation has 'become toxic and I can't be around it anymore'



Speechless.

I kind of have to agree with Letlet here. This isn't about you or her husband or anyone else, it's about her.

Since my DX, I've stopped talking to a lot of people. I kind of flipped out in the beginning, well not kind of, I lost it. I stopped calling all the people I talk to, stopped going anywhere, stopped doing anything. Well, in the time that I wasn't calling anyone, I noticed none of them bothered to call me either. I realized that in the majority of my relationships, I was the only one putting any effort into them. I was always the one to call, unless they wanted something, I didn't hear from them. My sister is one of them. I've decided that whatever time I have left will not be wasted on people like this.

You said "I can not rationalize that dying of anything gives anyone the right to become an (fill in the blank)."  I'm sorry you feel this way. Let me try to explain, tho I don't fully understand myself. Emotions arn't really my thing...but here goes...

I have 3 kids that need me, I have a husband who loves me, I am not ready to die. I have lived for all of 37 years and I am not done yet. I am MAD, so very mad. Right now I am full of anger, hate, sadness, jealousy and a whole pile of other negative emotions that I really have no control of at times. I feel like I've been cheated and I'm pissed off about it. I'm scared to death. I can hardly look at my kids without thinking "What are they going to do when I die soon." It kills me. Sometimes, all that comes out in unexpected ways, at people who don't deserve it. All I can do is hope they can try to understand what I'm dealing with and forgive me.

Get over it, call your sister and talk to her while you still have the chance.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I would really really love for my sister to call me because she cares and not because she wants something.

Hello...first, gentle hugs to you and your sister.

I'd like to say, be sure to understand one very important thing...you will never be able to understand what she is Going through or how its affecting her emotionally.

Now, here's the way I work...I let the person know when I will be there and my agenda. I arrive and do exactly what I said I Would do. So, I clean, play with children, take care of pets, mail, organization etc. I don't ask what they need, or if I can...I just do it. Then I leave. I am not unusual when I don't want to tell people What I need done...there are too many things that are just obvious.

I agree with most of the comments here, except I definitely advise against turning up at your sister's place without an invitation. That is not only rude, but could create a worse situation of conflict.



You can try to guess what may be driving your sister's behaviour but you could be very wrong.



Your sister's wishes and comfort are of greatest importance in this situation.



You could try speaking to your brother to see if he can give any insight into your sister's situation and attitude towards you.



You can reach out and show your concern by writing to your sister, telling her that you love her and offering any support she would like. You can write regularly so she knows you are thinking of her, but you need to be sensitive in the way you write.



I hope your sister is able to get the treatment and support that she needs and that you are able to resolve the impasse with her.

Happy new Year Daisy, i hope that this year will  bring some resolving and even though i  have posted on this subject, i have to agree with these ladies, that sometimes we have to step back and think, well its is my sister that is dying, not me and how i would  feel if it was me. its difficult to place ourselves in these situations and when we are hurting it is difficult to see others are in a worst  situation thanourselves. Hurting people, hurt  others,  and your sister is hurting, physically, mentally and emotionly and really needs to foucus on what happening to her at this present  time, to me.she is the one with illness. I do feel for you, i feel for  the whole situation and really hope it can be resolved for all of you, but yr sister needs to feel peace right now as she faces what is ahead of her, not conflict, i do wish you all the very best for this year and for you. my warmest hugs.

Whatever you want - give it first. If you want understanding and compassion - be the one to give it. You cannot control your sister's reactions. You also cannot possibly understand what mental and physical hell she is going through right now. If you don't think a fatal diagnosis is reason enough to act in any number of ways, well then, what is? Witholding forgiveness over circumstances that you don't even fully understand seems quite petty given her diagnosis. For all you know, she is avoiding you because she cannot bear to have you see her in this state. Maybe she doesn't have the words to express her fear, pain and disappointment. You just don't know/can't know what's going on in her mind. There are people in my life that I would love to tell about my dx, but don't - because I don't want to hurt them. Because I know it will. Later they may think, "Well, I wasn't important enough - me me me me!!!" But they'd be wrong.

Daisy I keep comng back to see if anything has been resolved or f u know more. I uess not But there are a lot of variables with u'r sister too. Sometmes it takes a while even before treatment cuz ther are infections and counts are off and it's a waiting game. Nothing is certain wth this beast but to let u know my sister s still working full time and it's been 5 yrs snce her diagnosis--we both ggot t withing 4 months of each other, so there mght be more tme than either of u know. One tme  had to put off Chemo for 3 months due to nfections and my blood panel so it does happen. I hope u and u'r sister have a long time to work things out and u both have peace in u'r heart and mnd.