Confused, scared,feel hopeless.

menoway1 · December 2012

Diagnosed with "ILC" in November, had a lumpectomy left breast and 23/23 positive nodes removed. Have had a PET scan which was negative, scheduled for Muga scan tomorrow and then start Chemo on Wednesday. I am so confused , I'm a registered nurse who has taken care of critical patients for over 30 years, how could this happen to me ?? Any advise or info would really be appreciated, can't get the urge to cry constantly to stop. Menoway1/ FRAN

Galsal · December 2012

Please, take some deep breaths. None of us want to be here but the journey came to us. Thankfully your Pet scan was negative! It's only natural that your emotions are all over the place.

No doubt others will come around that have input more related to your unique scenario.

Sally

Momine · December 2012

Menoway, so sorry you are down. I think we have all been there at some point or another. The way I finally moved on was by convincing myself that in my day-to-day life, it really doesn't matter if the cancer is going to kill me tomorrow or if I am going to die in my sleep at 95. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and enjoy as much as possible and make my life as good as possible. Corny perhaps, a cliche for sure, but I have found it to be true in all its simplicity.

As for prognosis, I think statistics are useless for us, the actual patients, in any practical way. I also think it is laregly a crap shoot. Some people survive with tons of nodes, others have early stage disease metastasize quite quickly.

Does your hospital have anyone you can talk to? Sometimes it can be really good to have someone who is neither friend, nor family, to just hear you out on all that, reasonably enough, worries you.

Anonymous · December 2012

We are here for you...I was dx with 2 c. ILC stage II grade I, 6/11 nodes positive, and was still in shock when I started chemo 5 weeks later, after lumpectomy. All my scans were clear, follow up scans clear. I took heart in reading some good scholarly literature about ILC, that the survival rate is a bit higher overall, and tends to be a bit less aggressive...call me crazy, but that gave me and my family a bit of hope. Especially after I'd read so many statuses about the members here and it seemed very few had as many positive nodes as I did.

I finished rads May 29 and will get a bmx/reconstruction in the spring. Do what you can to get yourself through this, whatever it is. This board helped me tremendously and I understood that all this fear and shock and tx is temporary...just some months out of my very long life that I'm going to live.

Take heart that your scans are clear. Tell yourself that tx is a good thing as it will add years to your life, and don't think of it as a negative. I even tried to embrace my baldness since it told me the chemo drugs were getting everywhere and killing cancer cells as well.

Hugs,

Claire in AZ

jenni__ca · December 2012

very wise advice you are getting meno .... take a deep breath .... count to 5 and let it out slowly .... now just take the next step .... one step at a time .... and don't beat yourself up for being scared .... bc is scary business !!

for me doing what i could to prepare and participate in my treatment made me feel a bit more in control ... little things like buying a button down the front nightie for after my mast, finding a big thermal mug to use for my gallon a day ice water drinking during chemo, etc ... it also kept me busy while i waited for the next step

while doing my 6 months of chemo my husband took me for a mile walk every evening and that helped me sleep better - i avoided naps because i couldn't fall asleep fast enough at night to avoid the refrain "invasive lobular" from playing on an infinite loop in my head if a did take a nap ... and during the early afternoon we would watch a movie for rest time instead of the nap ....

so i guess i would suggest find out what works for you and to keep casting around until you find your center of balance

best of luck to you and to all of us !

Gitane · December 2012

I cried a lot, too. I'm sure, as a nurse, it is harder for you because you have seen so much in your career and your imagination takes over. You know, though, that the emotions are not a bad thing. We need to let them out. I spent a lot of time at the beach while going through chemo. It was this time of year, too, so it was not warm at all. I just bundled up and slept there, listening to the waves. It really helped. It helps to come here to talk to those who have walked the same path, too. Hugs, G.

renoskichic · December 2012

It is chrismas eve and I feel so hopeless-- not just because of cancer but because the world is so bad and I can't get past cancer. I can't take care of myself because there are so many horrible things that use and abuse good people. I rented my house and the tenants destroyed and and when evicted--- are suing me. They got a "free" attorney because I have insruance and they are suing me to pay for their new home...move... everything. They moved in a 6 time convicted felon and wrecked the house. Everyone in the Reno court system treats me like trash and tells me "to calm down or I will be forced to leave". No one cares that I am at the end of my rope from cancer and then just beat me down more. For Christmas, I just want it to be over and not fight anything anymore. I am single and have not help-- no money -- nothing to look forward to and I just can't fight anymore. Even if I beat the cancer after a year and 3 months of chemo-- money sucking lawyers are going to kill me. What kind of a man attacks a woman with cancer just for more money? These tenants live off they system already. I use to ski and work and have a future. Now, I just look forward to dying.

thefuzzylemon · December 2012

Hello Fran....tap the brakes gently my dear. I think most of us have wondered...why? How? Back to the why....you know. There isn't an answer. Do not waste another second on those thoughts. You need to focus on taking care of yourself - mentally and physically. Questions that don't have answers are not a good way to use your energy. You're a professional...embrace your experience and knowledge and be your own advocate!!

Im so sorry your here but you've found the greatest group of women (and a few men) to be found anywhere. You stay here and express yourself and we will help you every step of the way with love and support. Feel free to PM me anytime.

thefuzzylemon · December 2012

Reno....can you just let me know that you are safe? Im concerned for you. After Christmas is over, get a free counsel with an estate attorney. Then, sell that house. Its just too much right now I think. Come up with a plan. It might help you to feel better.

Racy · December 2012

Reno, do you have a close sister, brother or friend who can support you to work through the legal issues?

It also sounds like you might need a lawyer to represent you.

Sorry I'm not familiar with cost of legal advice in your country, but it does seem you need some help at the moment.

And perhaps you could benefit from some professional support for your bc experience.

Please seek help and you can get through these problems.

menoway1 · December 2012

Reno just try to remember , God never gives you more than you can handle, and those nasty tenant people will get their due. Trust in the system the truth will come out. Christmas time is hard on people who are healthy and I know just how you feel this bc is very depressing and makes you want to give up. Tomorrow will be my second chemo treatment so I'm still early in this journey, but I will consider it a journey and keep moving on, till this cancer in me is killed. You need to be tough right now for yourself everyone else will wait and you can take care of it when you are feeling better. PM. me at any time and please remember you are not Alone. FRAN.

Confused, scared,feel hopeless.

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