A Year later..... Feeling I should be moving on, but I am not.

1 Boob! I am almost 6 months out & only had a lumpectomy. Although I am in my 40's. It doesn't matter how old you are as you are & have gone through so much. Maybe you need to talk with someone to help sort all the emotions that are such a part of cancer & caregiver. It doesn't matter how much help you have. You still have feelings to deal with & NO one but YOU is having to deal with them. As we all may have travelled similar paths as well as the feelings. They are our own. Everyone has a different time line & some feel greater than others! Please talk with your Dr. about what is going on. I know this can happen 6 months & on after surgery/treatments are done. Keep coming back here to talk & let use know how you are.

It takes a lot longer to move on that one would expect.  I think that's true for many of us.  

First, I think in most cases we don't start to move on until after everything is done, until we are finished with whatever surgery or treatments we are having.  It's only after it's all done that we really start to process what happened, to look back and go "Oh, I just had breast cancer.  Crap.  So what happens now?"  The fear of being faced with our own mortality doesn't fade away quickly. Even if DCIS is not life-threatening, a cancer diagnosis usually forces us to see our lives, and our mortality, differently.   

I will say that I think that having had a mastectomy makes moving on more difficult. Certainly it takes everyone a while to move on. I've seen some DCIS women who've had a lumpectomy who still are dealing with their diagnosis emotionally after a year. But, from what I've seen on this site, I do think that women who've had a lumpectomy for DCIS are able to move on more easily and sometimes, more quickly. It's not that losing a breast is a big deal - in the scheme of things, it's really not - but after a MX, the reminder that you've had BC is in front of you in the mirror every single day. It's with you every time you take a shower. It's always there. Lumpectomy scars heal and eventually fade. MX scars fade too but the lack of a breast or the presence of an unfeeling reconstructed breast is always there as a reminder.

I'm 7 years out. Mentally and emotionally, sometimes it's hard for me to remember that I had BC. It's in the distant past, it's not part of my life and hasn't been for years, except for when I'm on this site. But I can be going about my normal business and then I reach down to pick up something heavy and I feel the strain on the muscle over the implant. Or I lean against a counter and feel the numbness of my reconstructed breast.  Or I sit here typing and I start to scratch that phantom itch. Just as you said, if I'm happy and busy, I hardly notice these things and they don't bother me.  But if I'm not in a good frame of mind, these things can really add to my frustration. 

Moving on emotionally and mentally is not easy or quick, but it does happen. However for me, the physical implications of my BC diagnosis, and more specifically, my MX, are always there. Even though my MX doesn't bother me or affect me most of the time, it's a real physical change that is with me every day of my life. So BC changed me permanently. It took me a while to realize that I can't possibly "move on" from that aspect of my BC experience because the physical change is permanent. I now accept that as reality.

I think breast cancer leaves quite an imprint on our spirit as well as our body. I have said before i really do believe I have some post traumatic depression over the cancer and double mastectomy.

Breast cancer is something I never ever dreamed would happen to me (never been in my family, ever)...The mammogram did not find it, I did, which makes me cringe even now. And when it was diagnosed, it went so fast I could hardly breathe.

Things like this can take a long time to "get over". I mean I don't have breasts, so that is something I face every single day.

THis site is fantastic for me, a true healing tool, because I can come here, talk about what I need to talk about, and my words are read by others who understand.

1Boob, I am more tired too...I do have some lymphedema, I am not sure if the struggle with that makes me tired, or if it was how I reacted to the whole trauma of breast cancer.

But you are not alone.

To help me break out of this thinking I've started concentrating on gratitude. You might check this out from YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at8GaMBOVUc 

I also have a health coach that I talk to about these emotions and it helps to keep them processing. When we start to feel better, there is a ton of chaos around us we haven't been able to deal with while we've been surviving. Emotions flow. It is in celebrating today's good health every day that I keep the world around me in perspective.

Timbuktu - I'm so sorry you aren't getting the support you need from your husband.  Me neither. It was one year from my biopsy on Nov 30. When asked him if he knew what happened one year ago on that date he said no.  I didn't expect him to remember. When I told him it was one year since my biopsy and I was having a hard time with it, his response was, "How am I supposed to remember some random date?"  Nice, huh?  I do, however, have supportive girlfriends, and I have leaned on them like never before.

I am concerned that you only feel despair.  Have you talked to your doctor about maybe being depressed? A gratitude journal is great, but having to find a reason to live and feeling despair, maybe you need additional support. Please keep me posted.  I'm worried for you.

Thanks for your concern Jaime.  I just got back from my therapist.  I'm hanging in there and soon my daughter will be back for winter break.  I too, lean on my friends.  

I have to separate myself a bit from my husband and son.  I plan to take trips, weekend trips.  I am going to treat myself, it's time.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death.  Always a horrible time for me.  

i think in the end we just have to make ourselves happy.  I've been married 43 years and took care of everything and everyone before myself.  It's what i wanted to do.  But a couple of days ago my husband said i was a "narcissist" and never did anything for anyone else.  Amazing. 

My therapist says he's the narcissist and it's time I put myself first for a change and that's exactly what I intend to do.  

I think you should treat yourself with the love and care that you wish others would do.  

Do you think the BC has made you see your life differently?  It has with me.

Just surfing around and found this. Just wanted to add my 2 cents.

In 2003 while living in Ca. my father in Mi died suddenly and I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis, an auto immune disease. Having just turned 50 it hit me hard but I adjusted and kept going. My treatment put my disease in remission. Because of crazy job changes and elderly parents (mom and step dad) I chose to retire early and move home to Mi to be close to them. I had just settled in when my step dad was diagnosed with cancer and my mother had back surgery. Mom woke up from surgery with vascular dementia caused by anesthesia. She did not know me much or dad. Immediately I was a caretaker for them both and my next few years were a blur. In 2008 my step dad died and mom had a stroke that caused me to have to put her in a home. As an only child I still felt the stress of my decision and wore myself down trying to make her stay there perfect. That same year my disease decided to return with a vengeance and I had to find balance in being a good daughter and trying to stay alive. Somehow I made it but when mom died in 2010 I felt completely alone. I am not married and do not have kids. Slowly I got better and could see the light at the end of the tunnel....and then this past summer I got the cancer diagnosis. I will tell you I absolutely felt like giving up and I still have days when I wonder why I can not move on faster. My radiation just ended in November so I have a lot ahead of me but I spend most days feeling completely disconnected from life. I go through my days in a fog. I thought it was just me but after reading some posts here I think it is just normal. I agree it feels like some sort of trauma. There are days when I am so grateful it was DCIS. I did not need chemo and lived through rads. Then there are days when I cry all the time and stay in bed. I did get a shrink and go to her twice a month and we are working to get on with my life but sometimes I just feel so exhausted with it all. It seems I am living on the edge waiting for that first mammogram to say it is ok to plan a future. It does not matter that DCIS is supposed to non invasive...it was in my body and now I feel toxic.

I am hoping to continue to heal and get that mammogram that comes back negative so I can take a deep breath and let the last 10 years of my life fade. Thanks for the post 1boob. It hits home.