Feeling alone...my husband has disconnected.

Dear slikny and psu222 its time to focus on us. Dont let other crapy things discourage us. We have fights bfore last night of chemo tom is my 2nd chemo sometimes we have to fights or deal for so many cruel things n our life its all unexpected. Suppportive husband is rwal blessing from god. I cry when i read thread about husband is ok with one boob because the love n sincerity can not be compared with just breast tissue. Ok our body betrayed us its not our fault nobody have right to remind us everyday.we are women should proud to see our kids growing









we dont need to show any certificate that



shows our feminity At. Least we act like



human we do respect others feeling. Atleast we never cross our

Just wondering....   has anyone else had their grown children abandon them in their illness?

I was so close to my son, he'd call 4 or 5 times a week just to chat.  I babysat at least 2 days a week for his kids.  When I got sick he cut himself off from me entirely.  I havent' spoken to him in over a year.  I've emailed him.  My daughter called and begged him to talk to me as has my husband.  No luck.  I've told him I wanted to discuss what happened and he refuses.  Has anyone else experienced anything like this?  It's as though he's turned the whole thing around and blames me for it.

My heart just goes out to everyone on this topic.  I will be having my 25th wedding anniversary in 2013.  I have both highly positive AND some very negative feelings about my DH in regards to how he has reacted with my BC. It feels supportive to be here with you, to read what you have written, to contemplate my own experiences.  My one lesson I have learned is that I have to continue to be my most authentic self, keep my promises to myself and my DH, live in the present moment and enjoy as much as possible. 

Sending healing thoughts out to all of you, sending sparks of hope (you never know who might benefit).  A suggestion I wish to take as well:  Try practicing mindful self-compassion.

Fearlessfoot: 

Thanks for this reminder: 

"live in the present moment and enjoy as much as possible." 

It's one I needed to read this morning (and should be reading every single day). 

I have to say the topic really caught me. We've been together for about 10 years but the relationship was winding down just before my dx. There are many days when I wish it would have ended prior to my dx because I think I would have been better off emotionally without him. He was very supportive early on and through the first surgery, after that the support has lessened pretty steadily. There have been plenty of fights and I fully recognize this has changed me and I'm full of emotion, but he acts like I should be fine/the same/over it even though I just finished chemo on 12.19.

Throughout the whole process I've tried to keep life as normal as possible for my family which in retrospect I'm not sure is the wisest course. I've stayed so strong they all often forget I have cancer, I have pain/discomfort, I'm scared (still), and really that things aren't normal-just look at this bald head and you can tell that. I still have radiation, physical therapy, and reconstruction to go through in 2013. I think no one can understand this unless they have been through it but I know I would support someone differently than he has me. He has in fact said he's over this whole cancer thing but he doesn't want to be that guy who leaves his gf who has cancer...how do you respond to that and still try and make a go of the relationship? I understand people get tired of hearing about cancer, I get tired of talking about it and most times when people ask just tell them I'm fine, but man it's painful to be so lonely in a relationship.

emsky...I'm so sorry you have to go through this alone.  I don't think anyone truly realizes how important support is.

Now that I know this, I have made a promise to myself that no matter what I will be there for other people.  I think that's the only way we can fix it for ourselves, make it right for others.  And it truly makes me so happy, when I can help someone else.

You still have those kids so you know what your life is about.  Every day of your life has purpose.  Every day is a gift.

My husband and I spend a lot of time avoiding each other.  It's better than hurting each other.

I saw the new movie of Les Miserables today.  I sobbed from the first frame to the last.  I had to stifle my sobs so as not to disturb anyone else.  I was totally overwhelmed.  There is such wisdom in that story.  i bought the book.

To love another person is to see the face of God.  That sums it up and I think it sums up life.

Emsky I'm sorry it's such a challenge and so painful for you too. I agree we have to keep finding the good and the positive in other relationships around us. It's the only way to get through and go on. Hugs

Sorry to see so many of us in the same boat.

It takes so much effort to avoid each other.  Its like a second job!

Since my first post, I have grown stronger and more self assured.  The relationship I was in was on a downward spiral for so long, it seemed normal.  Since I have had a chance to step back and look at the relationship, I now realize how unhealthy it has been.  For over ten years! Thats how long my DH has been sleeping in his own room.  I guess I was in extreme denial.  This is not normal.  My DH has emotional problems and anger issues - he has made his issues my problem.  He used the silent treatment as his weapon of choice.  Not just for weeks, but for years!

I have been thinking alot about dating.  How a new person will react to my reconstruction and all my scars.  For this reason, I don't want to start anything with anybody.  Of course, I don't feel ready, but I do want companionship.  I have been cut off from any intimacy for so long by a very resentful, angry man who used the silent treatment to get back at me for what? Trying to love him? He is not worthy of my love or my body.  I am sure there are many men out there who would love to be with me and share the simple things in life.

I told my DH that maybe he has to experience a life threatening disease in order to appreciate what he has.  He needs to be humbled by this type of experience.  Then maybe he won't take everything for granted!

Hello ladies, I thought I would add about my DH, you may actually believe you have a saint afterwards . I have come to the conclusion that some men are just selfish and insular (at least mine is), although he says he loves me to bits.

When I had my surgery he took the day off work to 'be with me', but then went home and worked. Even when the consultant called him to say I was out of surgery he decided to 'let me rest' while he finished working. He bought the kids up late that evening (after the kids bedtime) and spent the time there being really noisy and winding my 9 year old up to the point he was screeching. 

My sister has accompanied me on all chemo/treatment as DH does not 'do needles' and throughout the treatment I have still done practically all of the cooking/washing/child care etc as he shouts and gets angry so quickly (personally I believe he is stressed and has been for years but he refuses to look after himself). On one chemo day I asked him to put the rubbish out as I had to leave and when I arrived home it wasn't done. When I questioned him on it he snapped that he had been too busy working....my sisters face was a picture

At the weekend after chemo I am generally very tired and after the 3rd lot I decided it is best just to stay in bed for a couple of days. On the Saturday DH did not even check if I was still alive or needed anything (drink etc) but did shout at the kids to be quiet, and on the Sunday ended up shouting at my son because he couldn't find his rugby kit - so I ended up getting up to sort it.

Add to this the fact I get to tidy the house, pack holiday bags, load up cars etc I am really not sure what DH is bringing to this party.

I know my husband loves me to bits but it seems I am looking after him. Almost laughable was the fact he had a bug over Xmas (must be the Norovirus!) and I was running round after him as he was too ill to get up! Boy aren't we lucky that we don't have any side effects from chemo - sickness, aches, mouth ulcers, thrush...need I go on

Obviously now is not a good time to do anything rash (as still have more chemo/radiotherapy etc) - but I will say BC has opened up a whole new world. I think DH would be horrified to think I thought he wasn't pulling his weight but my life is just as it always was, with hospital appointments added into my calendar. DH is actually taking my son to rugby/sports now at weekends as I just cannot do it, and doing some food shopping but not sure what I really expected from a 'carer' - maybe it is me and I am just too strong minded and stubborn, but I did try leaving the washing for 2 days in the machines and no magic fairies came..lol

Question is - am I expecting too much or should I have expected more?

It has been a little over a month since I filed for legal divorce.  We still live in the same house, but we are in separate areas of the house.

There is no reconciliation for us.  It is over.  He sees his therapist (same one he has been seeing for eight years).  I have recently started seeing a therapist (yet again).  My self esteem has soared since all these men are coming out of the woodwork! I am very interested in companionship, but I have no interest in these guys who are surfacing.  I guess I am not interested in getting involved with anyone right now.

I am totally engaged...to me! Everything is me, me and me! Of course, my kids are first...then it is me,me,me! Very liberating feeling! Exhilarating to know I am not saddled down by a storm cloud anymore (DH).

Just wanted everyone to know that if divorce is inevitable, it is not bad at all!

I'm pretty sure my DH would say he has been supportive and there for me but I sure couldn't agree. I'm so sad to see many of us in this boat even knowing many women have had the opposite experience.

As soon as I finished chemo last month I was expected to be "normal" again with no pain, no peripheral swelling, no other side effects, and somehow I'm to have a raging sex drive. Laughable. We have no mental or emotional closeness and haven't for months and months, and he thinks I'm interested in sex when I resent the heck out of him? Blah.

In only complaining and hardly ever picking up the slack around the house or in paying bills, I'm completely disengaged and uninterested. I did everything the same as before BC with minimal help from him and a lot of help from friends. I hate to be such a whiner, but you'd think sometime we could be the one not having to worry about everything all the time when we have a DH. I think it honestly would be so much less stressful with him gone.

Gutsy, blech, I am really sorry. I gotta say though that you probably should start planning an exit strategy here. First step is to get yourself a bank account, your name only, and sock away whatever cash you can. 

Morning ladies!! My husband & I haven't really had the best relationship prior breast cancer. I thought that with me getting diagnosed with this October 2011that I would finally see some TLC from him. He was kind in the beginning. Always saying "it's gonna be ok" BUT as the ole saying goes Actions speaks LOUDER than Words!!! Halfway through my treatments I was just voicing my opinions on things...he says I needed to talk to a psychiatrist because I WAS DRIVING HIM CRAZY!! That I was so Negative!! That Broke my heart!! So today im in Remission dealing with CHF on heart meds/tamoxifen. Deciding if this marriage is over. Can't help but think what if I get sick again...am I goin to drive him crazy again?? I dnt think I can be around someone with that mentality if heaven forbid I get cancer again!! Advice ladies?? Anything?? Maybe I misunderstood him??

Thx SLinky!! It was hard to deal with cancer as it was..and to deal with a non-supportive hubby was even worst. I just dn't think sometimes that yur spouse realize what going through cancer is about. It's not like you just have the flu. Thx for your in-put!! I am in remission now & i wanna be happy for however long i have here. we all don't know wat tomorow will bring & with that in mind....i just wanna enjoy LIFE!!!

Well today I found out that my husband is sleeping with someone from his workplace.  This just affirms what my gut has been telling me.  Karma, it will happen........  Devasted but will be OK.......