Need help, insight to make sense of it

cs34 · December 2012

January 2nd will be my four year anniversary of being diagnosed. Since then, I've lived with, left and still love dearly my fiance that I had to leave because he got addicted to pain killers and I needed to demand a better life for myself.

Being that the breast cancer and his addiction (i.e., my life unfolding and losing so much) happened simutaneously/back-to-back, I am just now sifting through everything that happened and I need to ask those who have experienced breast cancer for your insight.

I don't regret my decision for one second that I left him. I'm living in my own new apartment now but needless to say, the healing process from it all is slow (but I will get there).

My question is...he stayed by my side through my cancer. Yes, he was high (cringe) but I know what he witnessed. I know the sleepness nights, the tears, the pain that only HE was witness to. I'm not excusing his addiction AT ALL but being that sick and going through what we've been through, do any of you feel a certain "loyalty" (for lack of a better word) to the care givers?

I've cut all ties to him now and it's helping me tremendously but I need to put this part of my feelings for him to rest, to make sense of it.

I know how awful it was for him. I do. I know how his heart broke. But ya know what...I'm better now and he was supposed to rebuild with me but he chose pain killers instead.

I guess I just have good days and bad days about it. Some days I'm heart broken for him and some days I'm heart broken for me.

But I owe him nothing because I did everything I possibly could to help him when his addiction over-took his life (and mine). There was nothing left for me to do because it was up to him to make that change.

Am I rambling? I guess just being able to post here knowing that I would be understood has helped me. I try to "explain" this "loyalty" to him because he was there through my operations, chemo, radiation and my friends don't get it...they don't understand what he saw, what he witnessed...only I do.

Anonymous · December 2012

All I can say right now, is don't compare your illness to his addiction. Your illness is not something you chose. Pain med addiction is a choice, at least in the beginning. Maybe I'm ignorant of what an addiction is but I know that he has a choice to get help to stop and chooses not to. An addiction is NOT the same as being diagnosed with breast cancer.

SpecialK · December 2012

I don't want this to hurt your feelings, but I don't think he really was there for you - you state he "was high", so only part of him was there. He was not strong enough to fully be there and support you and put you first, he could only do it in an altered state. I think it is fine to wish him well and be sort of thankful - but don't mistake his presence in the moment for really being there. You have made the right decision to cut him loose, for both of your sakes. I feel loyalty to my family and friends because they were willing to be in the trenches with me, and willing to completely experience the awfulness of BC - some of them had lost loved ones to this disease already - and none of them needed to self-medicate to get through it. Your situation is heartbreaking and I am sorry he was not strong enough to handle the situation, there are many couples who do not make it through a BC diagnosis intact, for a variety of reasons - it can test relationships of all kinds. Now is the time to focus on being cancer-free and strong, moving forward toward good things - I wish you only the best.

Claire_in_Seattle · December 2012

You didn't mention that he had tried to clean up his act. I am going to be really harsh here, but you are ever so much better off. I left someone who had these issues a long time ago. I prospered and have had a great career. He never did anything with his life.

Someone who is in it for the long haul contributes and is there for you. He is there for his pain meds. I suspect he was a user before your diagnosis, and this was his refuge from the stress. If you said that he had been addicted during your treatment and then gotten help and was now clean, I would be kinder.

You will heal and have a wonderful life. He will remain a "heel". Good luck, and feel better! - Claire

Blessings2011 · December 2012

I commend you, cs34, for making your personal, physical, emotional, and spiritual health your priority. That took guts.

Yes, your fiance was there for you in your darkest times. And it sounds like you tried to do the same for him. The difference is that with addiction, sometimes "loyalty" becomes "enabling"... and we do more harm to the addicted person that if we just step away and set boundaries.

Given what you've had to deal with in the past four years (cancer AND substance abuse) I would hope that you are seeing a therapist to help you come to terms with your past... and give you hope and direction for your future.

I will always love a former boyfriend who was very loyal to me, but chose drugs and alcohol over reality. We all make choices... I chose to leave. I know the person he was before the drugs and alcohol took over, and I'm sorry to say that person no longer exists.

Do I believe that people can change? Yes. Absolutely. But in an intimate relationship, there is a core of trust that is broken, and must be rebuilt. If your fiance were serious about getting clean, getting his life back on track, getting straight with his own issues, then yes - maybe he would be a changed person. It would then be YOUR choice whether or not you would want to chance another relationship with him.

When I talk about therapy, I speak from personal and professional experience. Counseling allows us to empty out those haranguing thoughts in our heads. It lets us pour out our feelings and thoughts to a non-judgmental person, and start to learn new coping skills.

We all get a "new normal" with BC, but unfortunately, there isn't a guidebook that tells us how to do it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes there are issues that get in the way.

Loving someone who is addicted takes its toll on you. Right now, you are in the best possible place to make plans for your future. Just think about seeking out a compassionate professional to be your guide.

Wishing you the best....

apelila · December 2012

I went through cancer alone this year because many years ago I left a man who was an addict.

Going through this alone was hell and I won't do it again.

I totally understand your mixed feelings, you loved this man, you went through a horrible thing together, I am sure to whatever degree he was able he loved you. SO much emotion tied up there.

It's a mixed bag of being grateful for what you had, grieving what is lost and forgiving what couldn't be helped.

Addiction is a disease, he didn't choose it.

All of our pasts are behind us...leave them there you can't go back.

All of our futures are out of our reach.

Live in the moment don't expect perfection from yourself or anyone, don't beat yourself up.

I highly recommend the book "cancer as a turning point" to move on after this tragedy.

cs34 · December 2012

Ladies, thank you, thank you, thank you! So appreciated.

Something each of you said resonated with me so thank you.

Going back to him isn't an option for me and that, in addition to a million other emotions, is what gets confusing to me. I don't sit here and think "we'll never talk again" but I knew while I was preparing to leave him, once I was gone, I would never go back. Addiction trades itself from one to another and I just couldn't live like that...I'm waiting for the "cancer shoe" to drop...I don't need to wonder for the rest of my life, "Is this the day he's going to start using again?" Because, from what I understand, the wind can blow the wrong way and they're using like 20 years clean was nothing. No way I could have two shoes like that and after all these years - at this moment, I just realized that!

SpecialK - he wasn't in the trenches with me. Not in the way I needed him to be. Thank you for that distinction.

Claire - only as I have the time to look back and reflect can I tell you, yes, you're right. He was becoming an addict whether I got sick or not. That too is a strange thing to accept.

Blessings2011 -thank you. I have a therapist for years but haven't been to her because I cannot afford to go right now. I still keep in touch with her and I write her when I need to so I can vent. Last year, when I called her in hysterics and they were going to break in on her session to talk to me is when my life changed directions. I couldn't tell you what my own name was but when they said they were breaking in on her session to get her to the phone, I was like, "Whoa, whoa...ok...wait! I'll handle this," so I didn't let them do that and that day forward was the beginning of the end and heading in the direction to my new life. And, yes, loyalty does mask behind "enabaling." Again, thank you for that distinction! My support system is fantastic and my best friend is a few classes short of a therapist and she has listened to me say the same thing, the same conversation for YEARS over and over and over again! Definitely couldn't have gotten here without her. She and my other friend also took me to chemo and when his addiction (as you said it takes a toll living with it) was destroying me, they were planning an intervention on ME. Like I said, I've got amazing people around me and talk to God a lot too.

Apelila - I'm sorry that you feel badly to have gone through it alone but I promise you that one day you will undoubtedly carry that with you but it's up to you to turn it around and put the focus on yourself and what you went through and how it really made you stronger. I had B there but when I needed to be in bed all weekend from my chemo treatments, I was alone. All alone just sitting there waiting for come what may... Yes, he was a phone call away but it would have been really nice if he was in the house with me so I know the lonely part to it so that's why I speak from experience. Turn it around, embrace it (I know it hurts) and allow it to make you stronger.

Ladies, thank you!!

Need help, insight to make sense of it

Comments

Categories