Freak out Zone

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CelineFlower
CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
edited June 2014 in Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment

Ok... everyone says it over and over..

its ok.. dont worry..it will be fine...

Well its not fine!

Im freaking out ...i want to scream and pull my hair out.. if i had any!

I dont want to "be brave" ... i'm scared.. and i have a right to be

I dont want to " keep my chin up"

I HAVE CANCER

it weighs me down... hangs over my head like an old blinking neon light

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited October 2012

    Yes, it's really hard and you have every right to scream your head off! I'm a little over one year out and it did get better, but only with a little pharmaceutical intervention.

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  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited October 2012

    im already on anti depressants.. have been for a year now...

    i dont want more pills.. more meds

    the only way these docs know how to help anyone is with a pill...

    seems they have forgotten what care...really means

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited October 2012

    I understand, but time also does help. You are early stage so after your treatments end, you can hopefully start putting bc behind you. Best wishes for a complete physical and emotional recovery. It's hell, but you can get through it!

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  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited October 2012

    thank you

    and not to be argumentative...but

    does it ever " get behind you"?

    im changed...i feel i wont ever be the same person i was

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited October 2012

    Celine, all I can tell you is that somehow life must and does go on. You're only two months out. When I was at your stage I was a basket case. Now I play with the grands, enjoy my family and travel with my DH. What can one do? We either let this misfortune define us, or we try, not to rise above it, but live with it. Yes, it will always be there in the backs or fronts of our minds, but we can have other, happier and even joyous thoughts. Some days now I don't even think about bc. Try to hang in there sweetie. I know it sounds impossible now, but time IS the best healer.

    ((((Celine))))

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited October 2012

    You are still in the thick of it all so I think your feelings are normal. This is HARD so don't be hard on yourself. Exercise and yoga has helped me through this. It does get better in time. I am almost 2 years out from diagnosis and while my life will never be the same as it was it is far better than it was a few months after my diagnosis. Hang in there. You are not alone. We "get it". Hugs!!!

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  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited October 2012

    thank you..

    im so glad im not alone

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  • Sickofpink
    Sickofpink Member Posts: 190
    edited November 2012

    What do you mean, life not the same? More gratitude? Or a slower pace?

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited November 2012

    It does get better but right now your feelings are not all that unusual. I assume you are still going through chemo. I had ups and downs on chemo. It really can make you feel like crap some days.

    I'm 2 years ahead of you. I really don't feel like a cancer patient anymore. I'm still hear on the boards to support women like you. Let you know that there is an opening at the end of the tunnel.

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  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited November 2012

    lago...

    thank you... you and many others, remind us of why we are fighting..and keep us foccussed on the light at the end of the tunnel.

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited November 2012

    ♥ ♥ ♥

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  • Katski
    Katski Member Posts: 55
    edited November 2012

    I have the problem of: okay I am fine and then I have a meltdown.  This is my second time with breast cancer and I am so done.  I just want to sleep this time away.  I don't want to feel the way I do but I won't let it define me.  Then meltdown comes again like every other day.  I just can't get a handle on this.  I am on a mood stablizer but the crying spells just come.  I have been told I have to be the "good girl" and move on.  I just don't want to be a good girl and I am going on 60. I think if I hear "that you will be fine", I just want to smack them or don't be emotional.  I am seeing a therapist but am not sure of her.  I am use to facing things head on but I am just so tired of being tired and feeling trapped.  Yoga does not relax my body or my thoughts.  Family leave messages of hi and hello, then say they are worried about me but do not talk to me.  My husband tries but he is an intervert and can't relate.  My daughter tries and is 30.  I just want my carefree life back~!  I know I will not be the same but I want to trust my body(not)/betrayal for years.  Just done, done done.

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  • lago
    lago Member Posts: 17,186
    edited November 2012

    If you are not clicking with the therapist find a new one.  Right now of course you feel the way you do. I really had to be out of treatment for a bit to really stop feeling like a cancer patient. You're right in the middle of chemo and I assume bald. I know during the end of chemo was the worst for me. I  just wanted to be done already and so sick of feeling crappy.

    All I can tell you is it does get better. It does stop and you will eventually get back to being you and not this cancer patient.

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  • ruffy
    ruffy Member Posts: 141
    edited November 2012

    Acrazycat,

    Yes, I agree with Lago, if you're unsure look at another one or two or three until you find one you click with. Mine is an angel and she assures me that the every other day crying is so so so normal and she worries when someone doesn't cry. Cancer is not ok. It's scary, we as the patient get scared sometimes and that's normal, and if we stuff it all in and be the "good" girl, we're doing more damage then good. If you need a cry, cry. Then it's out and then you can move forward. And if that means crying some more, that's ok too :) I hope I don't seem preachy, I just want to assure you from what I've learned that what you're going through sounds normal, and healthy as my therapist says. Thinking of you :)

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  • lindab521
    lindab521 Member Posts: 4
    edited December 2012

    Hi there, 

    You will be okay.  I just finished my chemo on Oct 18th and I am now on the 10th radiation.  I still have 23 to go.  I know how you feel.  you may even feel forgotten by your friends and family.  You will be okay so please stop freaking and cry when you need to and laugh when you can.  I just came back from my support group and we had a pot luck. Try to go to support group and this will make you feel better to be with a group that has gone through it all.  It's not easy but pray about it and ask God for strenght and you will be okay.  Ok..I will pray for you to make it through ok and for you to be strong and take one day at a time.

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