Calling all TNs

At ta girl!       Luv your input Bernie.

I have not posted in a while, had a lot going on, sorry to read of some of the se and issues everyone is having.  I had my bmx on Monday the 19th with spacers put in, you know the drive by kind, kicked out of hospital on the 20th only to return a couple of days later with a blood clot in my chest.  That was the most pain I have ever had in my life. Stayed overnight, feeling much better now, however, I look worse with the bruising showing up mainly on my cancerous breast it is almost completely black and with all the swelling I still have a nice size chest.  Hope everyone has a great weekend with little se's and no break downs! Omg I almost forgot to tell you the best news, the lab results from surgery showed NO CANCER, the chemo I had done first work 100%, now lets just hope it was enough for a life time.

cograts on the no cancer, Browler!

Well, I'm about to dump on you ladies, because no one else wants to hear it, but I know you'll understand.

This Tuesday the 4th will be my 4 year cancerversary.

My 1st year cancerversay saw me filled with terror and almost debilitated with PTSD. I started seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist around this time because I couldn't go on.

My 2nd year cancerversary was a little better. Fear still there, but gaining a bit of confidence back. Trying to have fun again.

3rd year canserversary... I allowed myself to think I might, just might have beat it. I was almost back to the old me, at least superficially. But inside I was irreperably changed and trying to find myself.

And then came 2012, a black nightmare of a year. My marriage, already strained by cancer, exploded on me. My husband got involved in many emotional affairs because I was "too busy" trying to find myself. He wanted permission to sleep with people outside the marriage because my sex drive was so low, even though I made my best efforts. Hell no, and in the middle of divorce talks, I found The Lump. Same place, same size...evil wicked deja vu. It was confirmed cancer in the middle of May. I was forced into a CAT/PT that I knew would find SOMETHING - but it didn't. I so clearly remember the day I saw the BS - mammo, US, biopsy. The repeat of misery I never though I'd go through again. I went to the car and started screaming, thrashing, crying, vomiting. Husband said not a word, just stood by and gave me a bag to throw up in.

When we found out it was cancer again, my two boys laid on me in the bed and sobbed. My husband laid there and sobbed, and said my name over and over. I didn't cry. I felt numb as stone.

Surgery took out the cancer. Then I did radiation for a month. I was too wiped for work and took most of the summer as STD. It was actually relaxing, minus the morning rads appt. I'd nap most of the afternoon and than hang at the pool with the kids.

After going back to work end of summer, it all went downhill. No compassion or sympathy from bosses. Work piled on, major stress. Feeling lots of pain in surgery/rads area. Then I took a second job one night a week for more $$$ and this had its own set of unique stresses. My husband and I ignored the elephant in the room, I even thought the cancer might have woken him up to step out of his selfishness. So I asked him about it the other night and he says he's still not happy, and not sure if he wants to stick around. I need a man I can depend on! Or maybe I don't. Maybe I should just forge ahead on my own. But if I get sick again, there's no one. My mom and dad are useless, my sister busy with her own life.

So not the cancerversary I would have liked. I got out so so far, and then wham, it came back. My life is still spend moving from one sh!tstorm to the next. If I didn't have ativan, cymbalta, oxycodone, and ambien I'd have jumped off a bridge ages ago.

I want to run away from it all - him, work, stress, home, my family. Well, except my youngest boy, who is always good to me. I want to spend a few months at a cottage in NC just walking up and down the beach, up and down, soothing my troubled spirit with the waves.

I deserve to be happy! Why am I still in such a crappy place? What about me, what I want for my life? Why do things keep getting worse instead of better?

If you've read this, thank you. I obviously need some outside help. You guys rock.

Minxie, my sister........I feel so badly for you.  And I totally understand you.  Much hugs and love to you.  PM me if you need to.  Tell hubby he is a weak man and not worthy of your love and then kick him to the curb.  You are worth better.  We are here for you even if he isn't.   You strike me as very strong.  I believe that you can survive!  

Namaste', Minxie.

(((Minxie)))  I hope you get to that cottage on the beach in NC!

Minxie: I'm so sorry you have to struggle with husband issues while going through

This crappy cancer again. You don't need that added stress on you either. I think you should go alone and have that walk on the beach to sort things out. We are here for you!

Big cyber hug to you!!!!!



Erin

Minxie - what did I say to you the other day. Dust off those suitcases and get the hell outta there to a place where you long to be and can find peace. Your hubby says he is not happy and doesn't feel he wants to be there so let him go. Yes you do need a man you can depend on, one that will stick around through thick and thin, the good and the bad,  as you would do for him, but if he is not like this and he is obviously not dependable, then depend on yourself without a man.   If you don't think your marriage can survive then set him free so some other poor bugger gets him. You deserve, want and need better than this. You say you will be on your own but you are on your own now because he is emotionally with other women and not there for you.  Take the money you told us about and do something with it for you, find that longed for peace  and healing. Karen is right public transport is unreliable (Mind you I would probably be driving the bus) and you can't wait around for something to happen. Make things happen for you because you can't waste your life.  You have years ahead of you yet so make the most of them.   Big big hugs and lots of love and prayers for this big decision you may make. Annie      

Minxie, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a shitty time.  I wish that there were something that we could do to ease your pain.

I think that when we stare our own mortality in the face as we all have done, we realise that there's no point on wasting time or energy on things and people who don't enhance our lives in some way.  Similarly, perhaps there are things that we should cherish more and devote more effort to. I sometimes feel sorry for all the people who carry on blinkered, just going through the motions of life and never achieve such clarity of thought.  I hope that you can find the time, space and support that you need to figure out your important questions.  You do deserve to be happy and you must believe that you will be again, whether that involves mending your existing problems, or accepting that that may not be possible and moving on to new and brighter things.

Take care of yourself, and consider yourself hugged lots of times over by people who totally get what you are saying.

Sandlake, yes, I do hair. And I lost many of my clients, I was surprised how many actually stuck with me. The quality of my work was suffering a bit as I was miserable while working. Yes it is hard. I will miss my clients, they are fabulous, I will stay in touch with them. I have been seeing many of them for over 25 years! I can not believe how much less stress it is to not worry about work and trying to figure out what to wear to keep cool and not having to worry about sweating all over everybody, yeah, I know, gross! I am still going to school so hopefully eventually I can find a desk job.

bak I haven't seen Dawn (inmate) here but am friends on FB with her and she posted a few days ago.

Hi to newbies.  Sorry you had to join us but you have come to the right place for support on the good and not so good days to come as well as knowledge.  Ask away and you will get answers from this great bunch of ladies

Mags

Minxie -- I cried as I read your post. I am so sorry you are going through this. None of us deserve a first time of all this much less a second time. I am praying for you to have the strength and courage to face all of this and that needed support will come your way. Thank God for a place like this site where we can share with each other.

thanks all for the advice. I talked to two good friends today about the whole mess, and they're not sure what I should do either... I did make inquiries into the cottage in NC, and it is of course avilable in january (lol!) and quite reasonable. So I think I may be doing that at least, and hope it clears my head without making me terrible lonely. I'll keep you all posted.

I see the plastic surgeon the 19th and I'm hoping we can start fixing the sad boob January as well. Maybe if I look like a normal person I can face the thought of being single again more easily!

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a
little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the
dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes!
Yes! I won, I won!" 
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and
quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb..... 
But all men...Are men!

Minxie, Years ago, after my first diagnoses I drove to a beach just north of San Francisco from Seattle, about a 12 hour drive. I took one of my dogs and I had one of the most relaxing wonderful times I have ever had. It is actually the only time I had done something like that without friends or hubby. I hope you do it. I think you will have a much needed relaxing time.

Mags, thanks for the update. Dawn-come visit us!!!