I don't want to do this anymore

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CherylinOhio
CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
edited June 2014 in Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned

URG!!! I am sick of BC!!  There is a part of me that just wont'/can't move on because of the risk of it coming back.  So many aches and pains.  I am doing hypnotherapy and trying to stay positive as I think that we can use our minds to help our bodies heal and fight.  I am in a ranting mood, sorry but this is the only place to go and just type and vent and I know somone will understand.  I can't believe after all these years there is still no cure! WTH? Where does all the money go for research? Why isn't there a wonder cure yet? I feel like I can't enjoy anything! I feel like everyone I know looks at me with nothing but pity and sadness. I am no longer myself. Whenever I am in a good mood I stop and think "Why are you in a good mood? You have nothing to look forward to".  This crap sucks so bad!!!  I took money out of my 401k because I do not believe I will be here to use it, I also have stopped any contributions towards it. I figure I will use the money now to have fun.  I hope everyone has a nice day and I apologize for my rant.  It's early and I am alreade having a bad day....

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  • barsco1963
    barsco1963 Member Posts: 2,119
    edited November 2012

    Cheryl - this is my 3rd attempt at replying to your post - lost the first two somewhere. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your thinking. The fears and anxieties do sometimes take over and get the best of us. But we owe it to ourselves to overcome those feelings and enjoy the positive aspects in our lives.

    When you are in a good mood - take full advantage of it! Your friends and family will begin to look at you in a different way when the see that you are "ok." You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life now and quite likely you will have a future ahead of you to enjoy also.

    As your signature line says "Some days there won't be a song in your heart......sing anyways"

    Martina McBride has a beautiful song along the same line called "Do it anyway" Worth a listen if you haven't heard it.

    Sending ((hugs)) and happy thoughts your way for a brighter tomorrow.

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  • HLB
    HLB Member Posts: 1,760
    edited November 2012

    Sorry u are feeling this way. It makes me angry too that there is no cure after all the time and $. I am pretty positive for the most part though. The way I do this is to eat an alkaline diet and taking a bunch of different supplements, all based on obsessive researching. I figure since there's no cure I have to find my own cure. There are all kinds of stories of people healing themselves with alternatives. There's just so many that its hard to decide which ones to do, so I keep researching and doing the best I can. When I feel my emotions or negativity getting the better of me I take ativan. Usually one a day sometimes too. Anyway, for now, I'm big on the alkaline thing and drinking alkaline water. I feel I am doing something to help other than just taking the treatment and waiting for progression. And I walk for a half hour a day.

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    thank you both for you reply.  I also take supplements and am always looking out for a miracle cure. I have been reading a book by Nan Lu about BC and using TCM, traditional Chinese Medicine to prevent reoccurence.  The book gives some Qi Gong exercises.  The basis of TCM is that our "meridians" get out of whack and cause dis-ease.  So if the liver is stagnate it won't talk to the stomach and the breasts line up with the stomach meridian and can cause tumors.  IDK it sounds kind of whack but I will try just about anything if it doesn't do more harm.  The sun is out today in Ohio and I am buying a new horse on Friday so, I have something to look forward to there.  :)

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  • Kelloggs
    Kelloggs Member Posts: 965
    edited November 2012

    Cheryl - keep your chin up girl!  I'm in Canton and you are right, the sun is shining.  Enjoy your new horse....that's a black Friday purchase I've never heard of!

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    You know you're right it is a black friday purchase!! And I am getting a good deal.   How are things in Canton? If you are near the mall, well I can't imagine the traffic there on Friday.  I don't shop on BF, I don't do crowds.  I will probably go to tractor supply and get some saw dust on BF but that is about it.

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  • Kelloggs
    Kelloggs Member Posts: 965
    edited November 2012

    Cheryl - I'm with ya, I don't do crowds either.  I spend BF decorating my house for Christmas.  I live pretty close to Belden Village so I'll be staying off the streets.  A horse sounds like a wonderful BF purchase and won't require a trip to the mall!  Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    You have a happy turkey day as well!!  I have a group of gals on facebook that I try to get together with once a month.  The group is called "Breast cancer support group".  You can find it on FB and ask to join if you want. We usually meet at Panera's and talk. 

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  • Kelloggs
    Kelloggs Member Posts: 965
    edited November 2012

    Thanks, I will look you up.  I started a thread on here for Ohio chemo sisters.  I had the pleasure of meeting two of them several months ago. What a treat!

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    It's great to have this board but I like to meet people in person to talk, no one else knows what we go through. My poor DH has to hear about how every little ache and pain is a reoccurence. 

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  • LindaKR
    LindaKR Member Posts: 1,577
    edited November 2012

    Support groups are great, we had our meeting last night - it's just a great place to rant, complain, laugh, cry ......  Safe Space!  And I'm tired of this too, can I have a do-over and skip the BC.  Wishing you all a blessed Thanksgiving.  My daughter is always saying - live in the present - I need to practice that!

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    Had the bc girls over Sunday, one brought wine and cheese and grapes. I had some sparkling grape juice, was so good!  We had a good time, talked about an upcoming surgery one of them is having, the LD flap.  It was good to talk to others in person.  Hope everyone had a great turkey day!!

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  • Kayne
    Kayne Member Posts: 103
    edited November 2012

    Cherylinohio-



    I can totally relate to you! I am 2 1/2 yrs out and I just now feel the same way. Can't seem to move forward, I am just stuck. I have gained ALOT of weight, partly my fault and partly tamoxifen's fault. I feel like everything I enjoy has been taken away from me. Everything is such an effort. I can't even walk up stairs like I used to. At first I thought it was me, but now I am thinking it is tamox. Muscle deterioration is unbelievable. Everything hurts, my hips, my feet, my chest muscles.



    So although this isn't a pep talk, I do understand.

    Kayne

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  • cp418
    cp418 Member Posts: 7,079
    edited November 2012

    Cheryl - I completely get your feelings and what you said.  So far, 6 years out but with significant ongoing health issues (recent 2nd diverticulitis attack). The numerous doctor appts is a constant reminder with a stress level that never resides. My PCP took my BP yesterday and it was quite elevated so he asked me why. Really - what a silly question. 

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  • LindaKR
    LindaKR Member Posts: 1,577
    edited November 2012

    Wow - I'm 2 1/2 years out too, and recovered some after chemo and rads, but not much, a little  more stamina I guess.  I just got SSDI because of pain, fatigue, LE, neuropathy and cognitive issues.  I keep thinking it should be getting better, easier, something, but it's not. Some good days, some worse days.  It gets a little frustrating.  Glad I found you guys, I thought I was only one that hadn't "gotten better".  Then the stress in my personal life just keeps getting worse Yell

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    I try not to get too stressed but it just never seems to go away, that dark cloud over me. Now it's winter and it's dreary and cold with little sunlight. It's hard to stay positive.  There are many changes that are going to be taking place in the company I work for and I am nervous about that, then there's all the medical bills.  I have good and bad days. My body is a wreck, I feel like everything is an effort now.  I am glad I have my horses to keep me on track and away from the dark side.  ER/PR+ never really goes away so I feel like there is a constant reason to worry.  It's always in the back of my mind.

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  • LindaKR
    LindaKR Member Posts: 1,577
    edited November 2012

    Do we worry more because our stage was more advanced?  Does that make it harder to move on?  Take care Cheryl and enjoy those horses.

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    I just worry because it is what it is.  I am practicing for my first show with my new horse next Sunday so no time for bc now.  Hope everyone has a great weekend! It is supposed to be in the 50s here in Ohio, yea!!!

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  • Kelloggs
    Kelloggs Member Posts: 965
    edited November 2012

    Cheryl - wow, your new horse is showing already? Granted I know nothing about horses except they are beautiful!  Enjoy focusing on the show and I'll be enjoying the Ohio weather with ya!

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  • CherylinOhio
    CherylinOhio Member Posts: 623
    edited November 2012

    Yea he is a seasoned show horse. Got him from a 12 year old girl who took him to state fair.  I will let you know when we are going to meet up again.  Check the FB page there is usually updates there!!

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  • Kelloggs
    Kelloggs Member Posts: 965
    edited November 2012

    Thanks, I know I missed this last one!

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