I'm terrified I just lost my partner because of my craziness

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Mterkelsen
Mterkelsen Member Posts: 7
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I'm coming up on my double mastectomy this Friday....My partner and I are only 5 1/2 months into our relationship and she has been nothing but supportive in all of this. Unfortunately, because she doesn't do or say things the way I want or think she should, I lash out at her. I keep telling her how sorry I am that I'm doing all of this to her, but at some point (I fear now) it's just going to be too much. I would never intentionally hurt her. I love her with all my heart and now she doesn't even believe that anymore. I've always been one to put everyone else ahead of my needs and I thought I was just saying how I felt and what I wanted and needed for once, but there comes a point when that just hurts the one you love because you make them feel like nothing they do is good enough. That couldn't be further from the truth. I tried to explain that the rational part of my mind knows she has to take care of herself too, but the emotional part says "I'm the one with cancer, and I'm scared to death!"

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  • voraciousreader
    voraciousreader Member Posts: 7,496
    edited November 2012

    When one is newly diagnosed and going through the process of active treatment, it is the most difficult, stressful time for patients and loved ones. Since you are in a new relationship, the stress can be confounded. I hope you and your partner can take a deep breath and then begin to focus on the idea about enjoying life once this phase is over. There is life after breast cancer... but the road getting there is sometimes rocky. Good luck to you.

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  • Mterkelsen
    Mterkelsen Member Posts: 7
    edited November 2012

    Thank you. That's exactly what she's been trying to do. She said just last week "We have plans, Melanie. This is just a detour on that road." That was unbelievably comforting. I'm just obsessing about my current situation with the upcoming surgery right now. There are times when I can look at the future and feel positive about it, but then there are times when I'm just so scared about what is happening right now that I have a very hard time allowing the positive thoughts about the future to come through. I know it will get better as time goes on, I'm just afraid that I'll push everyone away during the times that I'm freaking out. Not just her either...my family and friends are a wonderful support too and I know there have been times this last month that I've not been very nice to them either even though I know they're only trying to help me feel better.

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  • Strike_Two
    Strike_Two Member Posts: 92
    edited November 2012

    Well, you could always spare your partner your emotional outbursts and do like I did:

    ROAD RAGE!

    Ok, not a good idea, and we won't go there.  :)  (I thought you could use a laugh about now.) 

    Cancer can be very hard on a couple, and I imagine it could be even harder on a new couple.  If you think you were just over the top, then sincerely apologize, but don't grovel.  You have to know that your partner can handle your emotions; Lord knows you are entitled to them. 

    Do you have anyone else in your life with whom you could share your emotions, fears, ups and downs?  Remember, your partner is dealing with her fears and your fears, and sometimes a relationship needs a little safety valve that can be released in the form of a third person  with whom you can share. 

    We're here.  Peace.

    (ETA - I was typing while you were typing.  I'm glad you have other support.)

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  • Mterkelsen
    Mterkelsen Member Posts: 7
    edited November 2012

    Thanks Strike! I was scared to death to reach out to anyone other than my partner for some reason and unfortunately it caused too much stress for her and me as well. Now that I'm reaching out on this website and talking to someone from the Reach to Recovery program from the American Cancer Society it is already lifting a huge weight off of me and I know she'll sense the difference too. My family and friends are great as well. I have a wonderful support system if I could just get myself to use it when I need it!!!

    Btw...the laugh helped too! :)

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  • Stormynyte
    Stormynyte Member Posts: 650
    edited November 2012

    This site is a life saver. I don't have anyone I can talk to, I mean really talk to. My hubby just says it'll be fine to everything I say. I can't freak my kids out with some of the stuff I'm thinking, and everyone else, they all have their own lives and issues, I feel like I'm bothering them.

    But here, omgosh! We can rant and rave and cry and talk about pretty much anything and there are people here who get it! They understand and are wonderful.

    Letting it out here saves so much stress at home I think. If I don't get a rant a week here, I end up ranting at my hubby, he takes it as I'm yelling at him and tada, we are fighting. This is the place, you will find so much support and so much info! Sorry you had to join us, but welcome. :)

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  • keithw
    keithw Member Posts: 47
    edited December 2012

    Melanie,

    I hope you are doing ok after the surgery. I'm a partner whose love is stage four mbc, but we've been together forever in spirit if not chronologically.

    If your's is anything like me, her mind is going a hundred miles a minute and scared to death. As frustrating and fearful as it is for you, it's similar for someone who loves you.

    If she really loves you, she will understand, and it sounds like she does both understand and love you.

    If you weren't part crazy, you'd be a robot.

    But you aren't: you are a loving human being who just wanted a little happiness and love in her life facing a horrible situation. Same with your partner.

    This is a thing, a monster, that you are facing and she can only watch and love you.

    I cannot express how badly I wish I had an enemy I could combat for my love or switch places with her. ANYTHING but this. I bet your lady feels the same.

    Love and hugz to you and her.

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  • Mterkelsen
    Mterkelsen Member Posts: 7
    edited December 2012

    Thank you, Keith. I'm happy to say I am doing very well after my surgery. No spread to the lymph nodes! I'm so sorry to hear what you both are facing too. No one should have to go through this. I am a very lucky woman to have my partner in my life because she has been nothing but amazing. I am learning quickly that no matter how much my loved ones seem to be holding it together, they are struggling with this all too and are just trying so hard to be strong for me that they feel like can't show their own fears. While I appreciate that, I've been trying to let people know that it's more than ok for them to express their feelings too. I don't feel quite so alone when I know I'm not the only one who's scared.

    I wish you both well! Hugs to you too :) 

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  • floridatworeds
    floridatworeds Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2013

    Thank God, I am not the only one. I thought I was going crazy and driving my partner crazy and away. I do not know if I can save the relationship, I hope I can. But I came searching for someone to understand to save myself. Most days I hate the world, then I over empathize with everyone, it is exhausting. I want my partner to make me a priority, then when he did, I asked him not to focus on my illness. Are you guys getting the picture. I use to come to the site often, but got tired of talking and thinking about cancer, treatment and doctors. Now I feel like it is a life line. Thanks again

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