The Hermit Club

Jane I'm sorry, u can't brag enought to us---OMG how wonderful for her and u--Yea this isyear had to be tough on her and she still accomplished all that. Jane I always forget u'r in Canada, that why when I read French I was oh yeah. Good for her and she certsinky deserved any dress she wanted--Can u put a pic. of her up---what a hppy rime for u and really makin u proud. She sounds so sweet.

Chey - I agree with the others - your job sounds both exciting and exhausting. Be sure to reserve some of that energy for yourself!

Jane - You have every right to brag on your DD. Sounds like she is a smart, talented and sensible young woman. Give yourself an "atta-boy" for how you raised her!

Fl - what a great opportunity to meet BCO sisters! Be sure to fill us in.

kltb - the visit with the MO was an emotionally exhausting one. When I went for my 3-month check up a couple of weeks ago, I intended to present my case on why I should get a scan. I had it all worked out (in my head)...well, I didn't do it. I basically imploded, got emotional and wouldn't talk at all. I think it was a breaking point for me. A few days after the appt, in a more rational state, I made an appt with MO and my chemo nurse (for support) so that I could get everything out that I've been holding since my diagnosis. Does anyone else have a public and a private face? I do - at work, I try to have a good attitude, say "I'm doing well, thanks for asking" and hide my fears, frustrations, and fright about BC. At home, its a different story...thus, my hermitude.

At the second appt, I let it all out...how I feel about losing my breasts, how I'm facing another surgery to take out my ovaries, how I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, how I hate when other ppl think that now that treatment is over, I'm "cured" so life should return to normal...how chemobrain has seriously affected my job performance...how for the first time in 14 years, I got a "meets expectations" on my annual performance review when I've always gotten "exceeds"...how little energy I have and little interest in doing anything...how cancer has robbed me of laughter, joy and thankfulness...how I wish I could say I'm thankful for being alive...for being a survivor...for fighting bc and winning...but I can't.  (I'm posting this so I don't lose it! will continue in next post)

(con't) - how my daily thoughts are about cancer...how little patience I have for those people who complain about minor ailments as though its a big deal. I'm stuck in this place that I don't want to be in and don't know how to move forward.

At the previous visit, my MO talked about guarantees and there aren't any. He used the "I could get hit by a truck tomorrow" line. I responded to that at this appt - yeah, we all could be hit by a truck...but you have a choice...you can look both ways to make sure the truck isnt coming...you can decide to go another route. The truck has already hit me...wham...and it backed over me and is just waiting to hit me again.

I said that I want to know that all the sacrifices I've made, all the doctors visits, time missed from work, chemobrain, radiation, these hateful TEs and everything I've endured have been worth it. That at a point in time, I want to hear "Right now, we see NED!" I want them to help me move past this place I'm stuck in...that I was sure they had resources that would help me...

We met for more than an hour and I was emotionally drained. But, it must have made an impression...the next day, I got calls that a CT scan was scheduled, was given options for some support groups and counseling...I feel there may be some positive things that will happen...at least I feel like they're fighting for me and now looking at me as a patient, not as a statistic that gets XX treatment because that is what the protocols are.

P.S. My PCP increased the Zoloft she prescribed while I've been on this damn roller coaster. I hope it'll work!

Thanks for "listening" - it helps to get it out here too. Now maybe I can start to move on...

journey4life,

Sadly, no matter where on our BC journey, we can never completely stop the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.   Good medical team!!!

Skittle- I bet parents can be crazy! We live in what is considered to be an urban district but the elementarys are districted in to neighborhood schools then they all dump together into the same middle and HS. We bought our house in the highest tax neighborhood and best elementary school area hoping it would be a better education for the girls. Well, they recently redistricted and everything is going to hell. Grrr... They are still doing well and I still think the MS and HS will work out. They have more programs and opportunities than the private schools, and well...we just don't have the money! Woulda, shoulda, couldas about buying here...but it is what it is.

I'm probably a nightmare for teachers  I'm an email'er. My friend that teaches at my girls' school called me after conference night and said "what did you say to Mrs. X. She thinks you hate her". Well, I simply wanted answers to why Katie was doing so poorly on testing and why she needed tutoring. Apparently I was a little grumpy and said "I know what non-sense words are" in a shitty tone, lol. I love teachers, and think that they are amazing! I hate that all the beuracratic crap takes teachers out of the classrooms at least once a week for meetings and continuing ed. Oh well, I wrote a novel...sorry!

Journey- I'm so glad you got it all out. I had an appointment like that before my BMX. I cried the whole time and kept dribbling, "I just need to be able to take care of my kids". She understood. We have to be honest. I think I would lose it if she ever used the truck or bus reference. Like FIRE her. There are really too many options around me. I love her, but seriously. I'm glad they are scanning! It will make you feel better.

Jane- congrats to your daughter! That is awesome! Milestones!!

Oops FL- have a great time! Love the cheesecake Factory!

Markat--everytime u write hahahahahahaha--U sound like a tough marshmellow hahahahaha

Whaeva -- I think I've lost my mind completely and what makes it worse is that I haven't been out of the house in over (I think) 2 weeks except to go to ER. I told u I was the QUEEN of hermits--Oh wait I let the dog out last night and stood outside on the deck--OK that's out of the house, I didn't leave the door cuz I watch to many scary movies so I went in right away LOL and our dog came back when she was done. Our yard is fenced. Everyone around here has dogs and cats and fences and some nice neighbor leaft us a couple of books about how to train and take care of dogs. My SIL is a wonder with all pets so he doesn't need them, but my randson is reading them so that's good, he can learn. Well give me a gold star--I helped my grandson with his math the other night and when he came home he said he got them all wrong. Hey I knew this stuff in 3rd grad I don't need it anymore. So I'm not allowed to help him with math anymore he said.

Markat again hahahahaha

Fl--hope the cheesecake was wonderful and the company enlightening.  Sharing a laugh or a woe is a blessing.

bgirl--congrats on wonderful young scholar.  Talking about my daughters is a weakness of mine, too.  :-)   So happy you bought the dress.  No regrets there.

journey--i hope time can give back some of what bc has robbed.  I lose confidence and comfort and normalcy... and try to fake it through.  With support from all the loving, lovely hermits, perhaps a little laughter and joy can sneak back in.

Teka--you hit the target.  It is a deep helplessness, when we all want, seemingly, a fierce independence.

markat--you don't sound like a nightmare at all.  Teachers (should) welcome questions and concerns.  If your Katie is weak in testing, her teachers should guide you as to why so she can gain back whatever might have been left out.  If she needs tutoring, ask if her teachers scaffold with small groups or peer support within the time they have her in class.  (and if you really want help, ask about an IEP--individualized education plan, or a 504--which, by law, requires her needs be met.)  I know at middle school, we are required to differentiate--meaning our tests and teaching must meet all students where they are... not a cookie-cutter approach demanding kids meet a standard if they're not ready.  ~~so sorry to go off the deep end talking shop.  All students deserve the best environment for their learning.  I'll hush.

Queen camille--I love that you're willing to help your grandson!  He's so lucky!  Most of our district kids go home to no support at all, unless it's a way to a football practice.  Anyway...  lucky boy.  Yes, math has really changed.

whaevah--hugs to you in your cave.  It feels cave-ish now that it gets dark so early.  I wish you well with your last 2, and hope the break brings peace from the storm.

CindyLooWho...  Glad you're here.  Took me a while to stumble across, but everyone here is welcoming, sympathetic and genuine.  I've shared your angry spot.  I, too, am a private person and asked a small circle not to share.  I didn't want a pity party, and I didn't want false faces.  It makes me sound unkind, but it took me 9 months to get over and forgive the one who betrayed my confidence.  (I'll admit an angry inner flare up now and then, but I'm over it if you look at the big picture.)  It'll take time, but you'll get there.  Imposter?  No, not at all.  When the c card is dealt you, your world changes.  The solid foundation of our day to day turns to quicksand.  Our struggles are individual and personal and we each are alone in our coping... which is why a band of hermits can be so comforting.  Cling to the positive ones around you, and try to distance yourself from anything that doesn't feel right or good to you.  For once in your life, it's time to be a little selfish.  It's ok to ask others to protect you.  You don't have to answer every phone call or reply to every comment.  Save your energy.  And know there's a little band of kindred spirits who care and are here for you.

CindyLooWho,

I started BC journey with only husband, son, and daughter knowing until I told extended family by phone, then lastly a distant female relative by way of a long informative written letter.   The distant female relative, who continues to never be at a loss for words when writing yearly X-mas letters, suddenly one of few words.   She popped my bubble!!!!

K- ugh I'm so sorry about the pain! I hope you breeze through rads. That's crazy about the subs! Here, a sub can have a bachelors in anything and still sub. Why should someone with a 4 year degree in History be allowed to long term sub in elementary? Now HS, I can understand.



I have a soft spot in my heart for scared fathers. They get a free pass in my book for everything. My MIL actually called me from her vacation in Hawaii to tell me what an Ob/gyn that she met in a restaurant had told her about breast cancer...bless her heart. I'm sure I was in her Christmas Letter, I never asked. I wish I would have been a little more private but I had to explain why my life had changed so much!

My distant female relative only goes on and on and on and on about her family in yearly X-mas letters.   Brag! Brag! Brag! Brag!

markat--Long live genius moms!  I'm sure you've shared your wealth of humor with her, too.  (I love it when students get jokes.  Some sit like, whaaa?  and others are rolling in the aisles.)  True tale from class--one of the characters in our book study was thrilled by having seniority in the office.  Can anyone explain seniority?  Eager hand shoots up--I know!!  I know!!  Seniority is a polite name for a little bitty Spanish lady. 

k--odd sub system.  You can't even volunteer in our schools w/o a background check.  Hope rads go well for you... and quickly fly by.

Gotta love Christmas news letters.  The facebook of long ago and once upon a time.

I'm working today but I sure like you all!  I'd chime in about EVERYTHING but I just don't have time.  Dern.  Hey look!  I didn't swear!  Progress.

The seniority thing is hilarious.  But I love ALL your posts, everyone. Just can't keep up at the moment.

Big hugs!

Omeggo - congrats?  I guess on the head shaving!  I tell you, I had threatened my whole life that I hate my hair so bad I just needed to shave it and start over - never thought I would actually go through with it.  Boo on working today...