How do you cope when there is family dysfunction?
My mom passed away from stage IV IDCIS April 14th. My parents never got along with a lot of their family but growing up things were at least fairly cordial and we visited each other. I would say the major breaking points was when my mom's dad died and she told her brother and sister in law off and they didn't speak since (about 15 years ago) but I had nothing to do with the fight. My dad's family kind of fell apart after his sister died. He still talked with his brother in law and his immediate kids and a cousin but that was about it.
So when my mom passed they both didn't want family to know but I said that's crazy and let everyone know a day later. My dad's family did call with his other sister and a cousin but honestly, that was it and I'm kind of pissed. His own brother, who lost his wife to cancer 17 years ago, didn't call him nor me. My dad went to that funeral and while they never really got along I don't see the logic in not even sending a card or a note saying he's sorry to hear the news.
For my mom's side, NO ONE has said boo. I told her favorite cousin and my immediate cousin (her brother's kid) because I felt it was important for her to know due to genetic risk.
And not one of them has called/emailed/or sent a card and honestly I'm pissed. I don't understand how people can be so insensitive and stubborn with their fights. Dont' they think maybe I'm upset or I deserved a recognition in "sorry for your loss"? I reached out to her via FB because it was the only way I could do it without being awkward and honeslty i thought I would get a response of "sorry to hear and thanks for letting me know". I'm not asking for continued communciation with these people.
I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but I would have thought some of these people would have acknowledged it in some way. My mom was far from a good person a lot of times to these people but I stayed far away from any interfamily fighting because I found it all petty. But it's pretty @#$# to me they can't get pass that to say two words of condolences.
Anyone else experinece this?
Comments
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maccupiccu, I haven't been in your situation, but I thought I would just stop and tell you how sorry I am that it's happened to you, which will bump your thread and hopefully get you some responses from others who can relate.
I guess the only thing I can say is that your extended family sounds very selflish -- to not make any effort to reach out to you upon your Mother's passing. But the strained relationships you describe were your parents generation, and it's hard to really understand why they happened. Unfortunately, sometimes when those things happen though, those bad feelings or the lack of any desire to have a relationship extends to children and their families -- maybe because they assume you will be "difficult" (their perception) like your Mother, or share her negative feelings about them.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it seems like you have two choices -- either reach out to them to see if it's worth trying to have a relationship with them; or write them off. But, again, I haven't been in your situation.
My heart goes out to you ~ Deanna
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Hi maccupiccu. I'm sorry for your loss. I have not had your experience because I have no extended family. However, if I'm reading your post right, your mother didn't want certain family to know she had passed? I would have honored her wishes. As for them not sending condolenes to you, sounds to me like your mom and dad knew that they wouldn't care, which is why they asked the family not be told of her passing in the first place. Like I said, I have not experienced this kind of family drama, because I have none, other than my immediate family, but I know throughout my life, there have been a couple of people that have hurt me so deeply, I want to pretend that they've never been part of my life and could certainly care less if they were informed of my death. If they ended up sending condolences, I would consider it to be fake anyway. In my case, something tells me that a certain friend WOULD send condolences after my death....and I don't want them, nor do my kids and husband. I've already told my family that should they find this women trying to wiggle her way back into my family's lives after I'm gone, by the way of condolences, letter, card, email, whatever...that it's not sincere and to ignore it. I find the "fakeness" of insincere condolences disturbing. To me, they just want to make themselves feel better by sending them, just because it's the right thing to do, not because they actually mean it. Anyway, I'm just rambling...but all this to say....if I'm reading your post correctly....and your mother did not want them to know....that is her wish and should be honored. If it was my mother, and that's what she asked me to do, I wouldn't want her rolling in her grave, knowing that after she was gone, I made ammends with people that hurt her so badly. Specifically, I remember one woman showing up to my mom's funeral, that had screwed her over in her "life", but then had the gall to show up and pretend she was so sorry about her "death". She tried to make an effort to connect, pretended to cry, told me how sorry she was....etc. It was so very obvious she just didn't want to look like the witch she really was in front of other mutual friends. I stood up to her and told her flat out, if you couldn't have cared less about my mom when she was alive....I have no interest in speaking to you now. It took all my strength not to slap her in the face. That's just me, though. Only you know the circumstances, but I would say, put yourself in your mom's shoes and honor her memory the way she would want it to be. If you're not close with these people, what are you really losing? Do you really want insincere condolences? I think that's a hundred times worse than not hearing from them at all.
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Hi maccupiccu and thank you for asking the question of how to cope when there is family dysfunction. I am so sorry that you have to go thru this too.
I am dealing with a bunch of nut cases. I am worn out trying to figure out how to handle them, what to say to them and how to not step on their egos, and emotions. My cancer diagnoses prompted my mother to remove me from her will in order to save her estate from going to anyone other then her children. She is all about the fact that my treatment is expensive and she is convinced that my doctors are gonna tap into her estate thru me. She is also way over herself calling her meager bank account her estate, LOL. Of course I felt disowned and have not spoken to her since. My brothers do not understand how anyone can write someone out of their life especially a mother, so they are not talking to me either. There are years of poor history between my mother and myself with her decision on the will being the final bridge burning. I tried to explain to my family that I am a little busy over here trying to get thru each day and don't have the energy to handle their meltdowns. I never thought that my family could or would treat a sick person this way, let alone another family member.
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When I die, I don't want my brother at my funeral. Obviously, I'll be dead and I won't care but my brother has mental problems and he could easily make that day very difficult for my husband and children. So, I'd just as soon he not be notified until after whatever happens, happens. He will likely make my children upset.
He's not contacted me in these years I've been dealing with metastatic cancer so he shouldn't care if he's not invited.
Because of that, I think you should have honored your mom's wishes. You are looking from sympathy from people who SHE knew wouldn't give it. I'm sorry you are hurt but I think if there is no relationship in life, you can't expect there to be one in death.
Rarely, do dysfunctional family relationships get fixed by catastrophic illness and even death. Mostly, family relationships get even worse.
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"Rarely, do dysfunctional family relationships get fixed by catastrophic illness and even death."
One thing I have come to realize since I have had two separate breast cancer-7 years apart with the first one in Canada- the family said at first I was too far away to visit and now there is not more than an hour to travel--It doesn't make any difference b/c the family just are not going to be around for any treatments. It does make it hard emotionally b/c I would drop a hat to go help someone. I know when I am finished with the chemo and rads, they will start calling and want to do coffee dates. I will think very carefully and start weeding my garden. I can't stand people who say something and then do not follow through. If you love me, you love me through the thick and thin. I may end up alone but perhaps that is the way it should be. Living my life and not wasting the energy I have left is the most importand to me. I have daughters out of state so I can use my eneryg driving or whatever. This the part of an illness that sucks b/c you really find out who will support you and who will not.
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I am horribly allergic to dogs and cats. I get asthma and cannot breathe. So, as soon as I went on chemo my son got a dog. Until that point had been babysitting my grandchildren twice a week and my son would call at least 4 x a week.
I have cried a river over this rejection. My son is a psychiatrist! He expected me to come and get asthma attacks and he's turned all of this around on me. His sister called and told him to make up with me and he said "I'm not fighting, I have been excommunicated because i got a dog."
How does one handle this? It never occurred to me that they could ever get rid of a dog so I thought that was it for the next 15 years. A couple of months ago, they got rid of the dog, it was an annoyance.
So, while my head is spinning, and I'm still having trouble tolerating the AI's, my husband lied to me for months.
He went there behind my back and played with the kids. The little one turns 3 today.
I feel i have mourned their loss and the loss of a loving son for a year now and I just don't feel like having my heart broken again and again. I see no solution, especially wtih a husband who betrays me at every turn.
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How do I deal with family dysfunction? Clearly explain to each of the involved family members how their dysfunction is bringing you down. It's better to do this in a letter -- it's therapeutic for you to write the letter, and its recipient might keep the letter and actually re- read it later when their wondering why you:
- packed up and move to another town
- changed your phone number, emails address and opened a PO Box so they wouldn't know where your house is.
- blocked them on facebook.
It's called divorcing (certain) family members. It won't cure all of your problems, but it will make a big difference in your life. It might seem like it can't be done, and sometimes it can't. But when I finally worked up the courage to leave, I felt a big weight lifted from my chest. I was surprised at the amounts of peace and elation I felt on the first night when I laid down to sleep in my new apartment, knowing that none of the troublemakers knew how to find me.
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Thank you for starting this topic...
I have three kids.. all "adults"... 20-22-24
The eldest is pregnant with her second child, my grandson is 4.
My youngest lives with us part time and the rest of her time at her boyfriends
My middle child, my son, lives with my dad.
All of them live within a 20 minute drive.. or an hour on public transit.
When Tasha is home... she tries to help.. butto be honest its like dealing with a teenager... ask her to do dishes and she rolls her eyes. She is the only child actualy making an effort tho...
My eldest, Mickayla, is pregnant... and has been very distant.. rarely calls, never visits. I am on FB only to stay in contact with my kids...
I put up status's about how im feeling... and none of them respond.
I have been asking my son to come visit and bring his mom a pie... for months now..
He never comes..
I had surgery .. none of them called.. Not even my Dad (tho that im not surprised about.. he might be my dad but hes no father)
So i confronted my kids and said.. "hey! its not about YOU right now!, i'm scared and i need you"
that was last week... still nothing
I miss them so much.. this is not how they were brought up!
we are a tight family... or so i thought..
until i had cancer..
This DX changed everything.. Mickayla says its hard to see me with my head shaved...
Adam.. just wont talk about his feelings...
Im heartbroken..
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My family rallied around during my diagnostic process, telling me that everything would be okay and that I would be fine. Then the "malignant" diagnosis came in and... everyone faded away. My mother, bless her heart, has mobility issues and would call whenever she could, but couldn't help much. My siblings? Nada. In my six months of treatment, I heard from my brother twice and my sister not at all. Oh, wait, my sister did call - once - to complain about how difficult her life is and how I couldn't possibly understand what she's going through (Reader's Digest version: marriage broke up nearly 10 years ago, children are nearly grown and have their own lives, she's alone, she's lonely, nobody loves her or supports her or understands what a wonderful person she is #sigh). I was bald, exhausted, in pain and wrestling with everything a cancer diagnosis entails.... and not once did she ask, "... how are you?... how can I help?..."
Newest chapter: my sister is, currently, very angry with me because she recently called to complain that after being through a four-month diagnostic process that has ruled out emphasema, thyroid cancer, parathryoid cancer and ovarian cancer, she had the utter insensitivity to complain what a horrible experience this was and how upset she is that the doctors frightened her so badly "... for nothing..." and how I couldn't possibly understand what she's going through. (She does have a benign grownth in her throat that is being "watched", but several specialists are fairly certain that it's not malignant.) I saw red and pointed out that I wish I was in her shoes because, at the end of all the tests I went through, I was told, "... I'm sorry, it's malignant..."
I, of course, am now insensitive, inconsiderate, thoughtless and horrible because I am not providing her with the support that she needs. I'm past caring. -
What is it about our DX.,..that scares them so much??
sigh
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I guess, it's the thought that - if it can happen to us - it can happen to them. That they - since they share the same genes - are just as "at risk" as we are and are, now, probably more so because of the family connection. That not everyone gets to live until they are 90. I don't know. I just know that - like weddings and funerals - a cancer diagnosis will bring out both the best and the worst in the people around you.
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hmm very true selena
i feel like i have the plague.. not cancer...sigh
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Timbuktu, take this from a woman who is dying.
Your argument over the dog is not worth it. Your son has every right to have a dog in his own house and if you are allergic, you don't have to go over. But cutting them off because of this, and being upset because your husband naturally wants to see his grandchildren? It makes no sense to me.
Life is very very short. Take it from me. Make up with your son and husband. Don't go to their house if the dog will bother you and allergy pills won't help and don't let them bring the dog over but don't give up your family and grandchildren over something this minor. You will only regret it if you love them and they love you.
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I made a decision when I found out about my dx. I would tell my immediate family and that's it. At first I thought it would be hard to keep a secret, but it isn't. After 2 months I am totally used to it. Why did I do it? I've seen and heard my whole life that people don't know what to say or do, or if you read on the other boards, they say really inappropriate, and hurtful things. I have enough to deal with. I don't want it on my mind, why isn't this one calling. People are just scared. They don't know what to say. That's all there is to it.
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fear...
thats a big one to cope with..
looking back, i agree with you WFTNS... i would have kept it more private
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Another one here with wonderful family dynamics. Years ago, probably around 30, my dad started fighting with my mother's mom, my grandmother. Some history, my mom had a brain tumor years ago and underwent brain surgery, and cobalt therapy. The tumor wasn't malignant, and she has survived all these years, however, not without major changes to her personality...hearing voices, paranoia etc. So yes, she has been left to deal with a schwack of SE.
Now, my Grandmother was always a very caring person, and cared deeply for her daughter, my mother. So Grandma used to call mom several times a day while my dad was working. Given the problems my mom had, I don't blame Grandma for calling so much.
Well, my mom flipped out one day and was complaining to my dad that Grandma was calling too much. So my dad had unplugged the telephone. Uhh...ok. After the phone was plugged back in and Grandma continued contact with mom, dad essentially cut Grandma and Grandpa out of mom's life. And out of my and my two brother's lives.
We were told if we had anything to do with that side of the family we would no longer be welcome at our mom and dad's. Over the years, me and my brothers snuck over to our Grandparent's house many times to visit. But, we never told our dad. I should also add this was the only family we knew...my Grandparent's family. Through them we saw our aunts and uncles as well as cousins.
So, Grandpa passed away about 17 years ago, and my siblings and I naturally went to the funeral. Mom and dad showed up, which is just fine. Grandma had indicated that she wanted to resume a relationship with my mom....therefore I encouraged it with my mom. Unfortunately, mom never followed through with this.
Last year, dad started more bs, saying Grandma abused mom....making her do all the farm chores while they went out drinking and partying. Yea right. Not. My dad has always been very quick to call them all down, while trying to get me and my brothers to agree with him. I'm so tired of it.
Recently, my Grandma's sister called mom and dad's saying Grandma is very ill and will they please go and see her. Nope. Every excuse under the sun is what came from my parents when I talked to them. I told my parents they needed to put this foolishness aside and go see her, forgive and forget. They refused, and continued to call down Grandma adn that side of the family.
So, Grandma passed away....and they not only sent flowers, but attended the funeral...hypocrites. Unbelievable. After the funeral, me and my brothers joined the family for lunch and a visit. My dad was not invited, of course. So last night dad calls me, and actually asked me point blank if the relatives were at my house, or my brothers' house after the funeral...(no they weren't), and continues to call them down.
I told dad I am not involved, and to no longer speak to me of such foolishness. So he continued on with his conversation about himself (because the sun rises and sets on him), and never even asked how I am doing. Par for course, that's nothing new. (I am still on disabilty and extremely fatigued...his drama does nothing for my energy levels). Maybe I'll be disowned now? He called both my brothers also. So yea, nut case dad, and a mom who has been incapable of thinking for herself since her surgery years ago.
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Isthisforreal, Here in NY, that funeral business is an every day occurrance. People may not speak for 20 years, but send flowers, and show up at the funeral, all is forgiven.
what bs, all hypocrites.
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No integrity. I try to stay at arm's distance from it all...as much as I can anway.
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i begged my daughter this week to come help me...
i was so sick i could barely reach for water...
she said she cant...
then ofcourse she called me a manipulative bitch...
sigh...
my kids dont understand what im going thru...
should i ignore? move on?
i miss them so...
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So sorry for your trouble, maybe let some time go by, let things settle down a bit. The only thing I can think of is that your daughter probably doesn't know how sick you really are. Good luck, hope things get better for you.
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This all sounds so familiar to me. Hateful family members who only think of themselves. I have had several in my life and still have a few. One family member only cares about another if it brings attention to herself in some way. She lies and stretches the truth about things to make it sound worse than it is. She thrives on pity. She never once called me when I was dx in 2003 or when I was dx with bone mets in 2006. She has called and stopped by since I was dx with bone marrow mets in 90% of my marrow. She isnt stopping by to see how I am or to help me in some way. She comes by to talk about herself and attempt to get pity. I dont give pity to someone who I cant fully believe. She will tell 3 versions of the same story and cant recall what she has told to whom. She will do anything to make her the center of attention even if it makes people mad or takes the attention away from someone who needs it.
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so....
what can we do?
what ressources have people used?
any good books out there for , family of cancer patients?
i'm tired of fighting with my kids for help...if i cant find a solution, i will have to have strangers from the clsc come to help me...
if its like this now... when im doing chemo once every three weeks (sick for half the time) ... whats it going to be like when i start weekly treatments?
i have... no more time, to wait...
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Celine, What are your kid's ages? I have trouble with my 31 yr old son so I can relate. My husband does most of the housework when I cant. I have no real good ideas for you but you can vent anytime. Hugs, Mazy
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My eldest is 24, and pregnant
my son is 22
and my youngest daughter is 20..
My husband also does most of the house work when i cant..
but he works 2 jobs..we have a sick dog who needs attention at night too... so his sleep gets affected...
i have been asking for help since i started chemo 9 weeks ago...i am not asking for the world... just some help .
its like ive become a leper or something...
i miss my kids... but im so angry
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Celine your household sounds like mine. I really was stern, harsh and boarderline mean today with my son since being nice wasnt working. It had no effect on him at all. Ive tried the guilt trip and it doesnt work either. The first week of oct I nearly died from effects of Abraxane and he was so worried that I wouldnt make it. But when I came home..we were right back the same way. I thought he would be more helpful. He has about 2 truckloads of stuff in our garage that we cant get him to remove. I laid into him about that too and he just shrugged me off. I told him if it isnt done this weekend Im getting a dumpster and having a "pitch party". My daughter lives next door but is in college and works yet she stops in every morning to see if I need anything and again in the afternoon. My older son has a family, home etc and is cub scout leader so I hate asking him since he is always so busy but he would if I asked.Its just that middle child syndrome making life hard. If I figure out an answer Ill let you know LOL. HUgs, MAzy
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"middle child syndrome"
That sucks!
how can we... help them understand?
but ya know... some days... i just couldnt give a damn.
but i feel for my husband, sister and best friend... they are the ones sacrificing to help me...
while my kids have other things to do..
I wish i could understand the way they feel, so i could help make it better..
but i just dont get it
my mom died in 2002... if i felt for one moment she felt like i do now.... i would be so ashamed...
sigh
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I've been there. I have tons of family issues. There is really no solution. So, inspired by Abraham Lincoln, I'll tell you a story instead (but briefly).
Did you hear the take of the scorpion and the frog? They both needed to cross a lake, and the frog agreed to carry the scorpion on his back. When they got to the other side, the scorpion bit him. The frog asked him why he did that. The scorpion replied, "It's in my nature."
Moral: some people just suck. It's their nature. Don't let it get you down.
Sarah
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Good story, Sarah. One I'll have to remind myself of.
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Celine, I am proud to say I took care of my mom. I didnt give it a second thought and I did it while stage 4 myself. Some people just have no conscience I guess. I have asked my son if he has a problem with me and why he does this but he just shrugs and walks away. Maybe he is just too lazy to care. He does work full time and is considered a good employee. So at least I know he knows how to be a decent person. He also is a great dad.
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