Mom is dying.

monikahortons · October 2012

I'm seventeen and my mom has Stage 4 IDC.

I'm horribly scared.

My dad is emotionally neglectful and my little siblings really need a mom. I mean I do too, but my little sister is only ten. My fifteen year old brother is homeschooled, and needs to be because of a lot of learning delays. He can't go to school. And my twelve year old brother has ADHD and he's really smart but he'd get lost in a classroom.

I'm trying to step up to this all, I'm helping out more around the house, my boyfriend and I made Thanksgiving dinner, etc. It's hard, since I'm a full time Grade 12 student in online school. I'm constantly busy but seemingly available to do whatever. My brothers have reacted to all of this by being completely useless.

I don't know yet what my mom's prognosis is exactly but I know it's really bad. I know that every day is hard to get through because I'm so scared.

I already struggled with depression, in fact badly enough that I was suicidal in May-July. I'm just so tired and scared.

She's probably going to die. How do I deal with that?

ali68 · October 2012

You deal with this because you have too. Your a strong young lady and I know you can do this. So sorry for your mum, be strong for your siblings.

Racy · October 2012

Monika, that is a lot to deal with for someone as young as you, and while also trying to complete school.

How is your mom at the moment? Is she having treatment? Can she still do things for herself and you and your siblings or are you caring for her?

Do you have an adult in your life who can give you some guidance; an aunt, uncle, grandparent, boyfriend's parent, school counsellor?

If you have no one to help you, call a cancer help line and they should be able to link you to support services.

Also, look after your own health. If you have been mentally ill, perhaps you have a therapist you could talk to.

Please try to get help from an experienced adult and please keep posting here and we will help as best we can.

LittleMelons · October 2012

Hi there, Monika. So sorry that you are having to deal with this very tough situation. You sound like a very strong and caring person, but you shouldn't deal with this on your own. There is support available for you.

I'm assuming that you are probably in Canada since you refer to Thanksgiving dinner in the past tense. You could start by contacting the Canadian Cancer Society at 1-888-939-3333 and telling them your situation. They offer support for caregivers and and should be able to direct you to other available support.

I would also speak with your mother's Oncologist and tell him/her that you need support. They will also direct you to counselling, support groups, and practical support.

Do you have a grandparent, other relative or close family friend who can help you get support for your mom and yourself and your siblings? Do not hestitate to ask them for help, you need and deserve it.

You have not told us your mother's precise breast cancer details, e.g. if she has been recently diagnosed with Stage IV, is currently receiving treatment or has stopped treatments. Many people with Stage IV breast cancer do well with treatments and live for a long time. Please post back and we will help you.

Hugs and good luck.

monikahortons · October 2012

Thanks guys.

My mom is undergoing treatment, yes. She has been undergoing chemo for 2 months (I'm not sure what drug exactly, but it's every other week) and has two months to go. After that she'll have surgery and then radiation. At least that's what we were told at the beginning. They said it hadn't spread anywhere, until two weeks ago, when they informed us that it has been in her sternum all along. So we don't know what they're going to do treatment wise now.

She can function mostly, in that she can take care of herself most of the time. However she can't do much of anything around the house, and most mornings I make her breakfast and lunch because she's too weak.

I do need a councellor, and was going to get one before all this started, but now everyone's forgot and I dunno what to do.

We have some support, people are bringing meals and helping with school with the little ones but we live an hour away from the community we're involved in, which makes it all difficult. Also, a nurse will be coming to work out if we need help with housekeeping, etc, which will help a bit.

Thanks guys.

liefie · October 2012

Dear Monika,

You sound like a wonderful, mature person who can assume responsibility. It is admirable what you do at your young age. I am sure your mom is very grateful to have you to take care of her. Please contact the Cancer Agency. It is very important that you must take care of your own mental well-being at this time.

Your mom may well recover, and have some good years yet to come. Best wishes and hugs to you and your family!

Racy · October 2012

Monika, it is hopeful that your mom's cancer is treatable. She is probably weak from chemo. Once she finishes that she may feel much better. If the cancer is only in your mom's sternum, it may respond well to treatment. I hope your mom is getting all the information that will help her through this time and get her the best treatments.

Your mom could join the stage 4 forum here. There are many members here facing similar issues and it might help your mom to converse with those ladies.

Don't lose hope. There is hope for your mom to be with you a long time.

Let us know any time you feel you need help or just want to tell someone how things are.

shells43 · October 2012

Hi Monika, I agree with Racy that it sounds like your Mom is sick because of chemo. It does make you feel weak and sick. She should have some good days in between treatments though where she can do for herself. I don't know her of course, but some mom's are hesitant to ask for help and others don't mind. I hope she is not putting too much on you. It is overwhelming when you are going through chemo, and the drugs sometimes make you act a little differently than normal (steroids messed me up). She is not dying, not right now anyway. If she is healthy enough to take chemo, and the doctors have scheduled surgery and radiation, then she is doing ok right now. Others will correct me if I am wrong about this.

Keep checking in with us and letting us know how you and she are doing. Get your mom to post here also so we can give her some chemo tips.

Bless you all!

shells43 · October 2012

Bump. Any advice for this young lady?

steelrose · October 2012

Hi Monika,

You've received some very good advice here, most importantly to take care of yourself the best way you can. A counselor is an excellent idea and it will help you so much in dealing with this extreme stress.

I'm a Stage IV patient like your Mom and I was diagnosed with cancer to my spine, sternum, and liver. Today I am NED (no evidence of disease), and I'm doing very well. It sounds like your Mom is getting the medical help she needs and the fact that she's strong enough for surgery is very good news!!!! There is no predicting what will happen at Stage IV, but so many women do well for many years. I hope, hope, hope that your Mom is one of them!

Please continue to reach out for help, as much as you need. You're a very mature young lady but at 17 you are dealing with things that would be tough on someone twice your age. I lost my Mom when I was young, so I truly understand your fears. Just remember to reach out, holler for help... we are all here to support and listen.

Sending love to you and your family,

Rose.

Mom is dying.

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