What Do I Say?

MichelleLynn · May 2006

I just found out my sister-in-law has breast cancer. She'll be getting chemo & radiation. She lives in another state and I'm going to write her a letter. But when I sat down to write, I couldn't think of what to say to her. On top of that, the way I feel right now is just a lot of anger and I don't want that to come across in the letter. But man, I am angry. I'm mad that she has to go through this, because she has kids who god-forbid might lose their mother, because they should have a cure for it by now in the year 2006, and because it's just not fair.

I want to be there for her, say the right things, do the right things...and I just don't know what those things are.

Any advice? Please. I would appreciate it very much.

Anonymous · May 2006

The best thing someone close said to me when they found out? "I love you." There really wasn't anything else I wanted to hear. No one could make it better. No one could take it away. No one could say anything that was going to make me feel better about this. But "I love you" said it all. Those who were physically close to me -- a hug and crying with me was sufficient. By the way, I love that you are angry...and it comes through in what you wrote. Anger is the emotion I think we feel the most, especially initially. And we all have a right to be angry. Your sister-in-law is really blessed to have you in her life.

jgrjunque · May 2006

I think your sister-in-law might be very happy to know that:

Quote:

I am angry. I'm mad that she has to go through this, because she has kids who god-forbid might lose their mother, because they should have a cure for it by now in the year 2006, and because it's just not fair.

I'd probably change the line about her kids (so as not to add to the fear she's already feeling) to "because she has to spend time with this rather than playing with her kids", but other than that, it expresses what she may not be able to express herself right now. And it says, in a powerful way, I CARE.

teresa817 · May 2006

It very easy to say the wrong thing in a situation like this. Just read the "stupid things people have said" posts. My sister said some pretty dumb things in the first weeks after I was diagnosed but then when treatment started she was there. She showed up every 2 weeks with something, dinner, a nice card, a visit. (She only lives a couple hours away) She even went to a chemo session with me. A taxol that lasted 5 hours. She showed me she cared. Right now send a nice card or note and just say you heard about the diagnosis and you are thinking about her. Ask if she needs anything then, call frequently, make note of her treatment days and doctor appointments and call afterwards, take the kids for a few days after one of the treatments. This is a long haul type of thing so be there and show her you care. Good luck to your SIL

csp · May 2006

Michelle,
Big hugs to you and your sister in law.
I felt the same way when my sister was dx'd I was mad as hell! And I told her that, and I told her it wasn't fair too and I said I love you, I am here for the long haul.

It is hard to keep the fear out of your words but she knows you are, it is best to leave that part unspoken.
Here are somethings maybe you might not want to say...
Did they get it all?
What stage are you?
What did you do to get this?
God has his reasons.
Are you gonna be alright?
If you had to have cancer this is the best one to have.
grrrrr!!!

Hugs Michelle and sending prayers for you and your Sisterinlaw.

Carrie

laryy48 · May 2006

"I love you " is the perfect thing to say. WHen my wife, Kathy received her diagnosis of DCIS in September of 97 that is the first thing I said to her. IN January if 2003, KAthy was diagnosed with bone mets and this first thing I said to her was, "I love you". Nothing will ease the pain and shock of the diagnosis but those three words will mean everything to you sister-in-law. I will add her and her family and you to my prayers.
laryy48

laryy48 · May 2006

One other thing. Getting angry is good. I sure got plenty angry when I learned of KAthy's diagnosis. Kathy sure got angry. However, we used the anger to our benefit. We used our anger to strengthen us. Kathy faced her cancer with a strenght and deternination that was extraodinary. Evenetually the anger was replaced by a fierce determination to live her/our life as we wanted.
laryy48

rue2u · May 2006

Michelle,

Have you discussed breastcancer.org with your sister-in-law? It's very helpful to have fellow "sisters" to discuss your treatment, etc. with. I didn't want to travel to a discussion group for support so this helped me reach out to others who had gone through the experience. Prayers and best wishes for you and your sister-in-law.

Rue

Jennifer75 · May 2006

My advice is to let her know that you will be there for her. Tell you that she can call anytime and you will listen. I know that when my mother was going through all her treatments she just wanted me to listen to her. I would let her talk about how she was feeling, and how sad she was. I lost my mom Jan30/06 and I am glad that I sat and listened to her. My advice is just be there for her..

Love Jennifer

Anonymous · May 2006

I think I am so very sorry to hear this is a good opening.

cowgirl · May 2006

Talk about your love for her, your support of her kids. That you will help her as she needs you to. It is that she will treasure most. After the first letter send her a card every week, I had a friend who lived away and it was the highlight of my week!

What Do I Say?

Comments

Categories