Ive heard this too many times....and experienced it myself

Whenever I see the threads like this, I always remember that ***I*** used to be the one that said the stupid things...

I learned that from my family of origin... it took my own walk in the moccasins to learn another way to respond.

I truly believe that each woman here has to decide her path, and I can only support her in her walk.

My wish is that each woman can find the healing peace that they need to be in community with each other through this.

Fuzzy-Thank you for this....we really need it altho i thing we got most of it under control.I used to see bickering and yes bullying on these threads but lately the threads I go on are very supportive....and i really have not seen the troublemakers on....sure lots of sistas left because of this but now you are makin a safe haven for all of us...

IT CAN BE DONE...THANK YOU.

i thnk that most of the bullies and the ones that just love to argue are gone now...I HOPE.

wE ARE SISTAS

We are here to help each other 24/7...

These threads are a lifesaver for most of us...

please,please lets keep it that way.

huggggggggs to everyone...

Fuzzy, I thought my brain was back but it took me longer than I'd like to admit to get it!  Then I LOL'ed, particularly at myself!!

Bessie, I agree with all of your points. The "don't try to exert influence" is really important as people trying to make treatment decisions are in such a vulnerable state. And the one on facts is crucial. I find it quite frightening how many statements are made as facts when they are incorrect. Breast cancer and its treatment are so complex and it takes time to understand that. I have no problem with people putting ideas out there to help someone find answers, as long as they qualify them or put them in context.

Grannydukes, you exude love!

CelineFlower, good quote and "their" path is key, isn't it? Like fuzzy said: "It's my journey ..."  

lots of nasty people come here to just (in plain old english) like to break balls.

they thrive on makin people misserable.....tryin to get the tempers to fly...

my mom used to say Rome is burning and your playin with matches....

And then you get these wonderful sistas who open their hearts to you....

thats us......sending hugggs love and kisses...we are all in the same boat sooo lets stay on the same page...xoxoxo grannydukes

I don't think most people come here with the intent to be insensitive or nasty. Most of the time, it happens - or at least it starts out - unintentionally. That's why I think it's so important that the board have a set of common sense "Etiquette Rules".  

All of us can fall into situations that can deteriorate into nastiness. For example, often people are so eager to contribute that they end up posting something that is more hurtful than helpful. If a newbie posts that she is frustrated that she has to wait a week for her biopsy results, inevitably someone will respond by saying that she got her results in 2 days and she couldn't imagine having to wait a week.  How does that make the original poster feel any better?  The responder probably just wants to participate and contribute to the discussion, and doesn't realize that her comment is insensitive and might make it more difficult for the original poster to deal with her wait.

A similar situation is when someone is so excited to share her new understanding about BC that she passes along information that is incorrect. Someone may have just learned about HER2+ and so she posts when she sees someone newly diagnosed with DCIS that is HER2+, telling her that she will need chemo and Herceptin.  But these treatments are not given for DCIS. Unintentionally, incorrect information has been passed along.  

It takes most of us a long time to realize how different each BC diagnosis is and how small differences in diagnosis can result in significant differences in treatment. Someone who was able to avoid rads by having a MX might advise someone else that "if you have a MX, you won't need rads" without realizing that many women who have a MX still do need rads.  

It also takes a long time for most of us to realize that we all look at our diagnosis and our risks differently and someone else might make a different decision, even in the exact same situation. Treatment really is a choice. Some people just never get that. Based on what they did or would do, they tell others what treatments to have ("with that Oncotype score, you have to have chemo" or more subtly "with that Oncotype score, how could you not have chemo?"). Or they challenge or criticize someone for even for considering doing something different ("Why would you want to worry about a recurrence if you can have a BMX and get peace of mind?"). It may not be intentional but their words will cause other women to struggle more with their decisions, if they were leaning towards a different choice.  

Particularly if they've had a difficult time with their treatment, others appear to have so much invested in their decision that they feel challenged or get upset if someone else makes a different decision ("you mean maybe I didn't have to go through all this?"). They need to be reassured that they made the right decision and they get this reassurance when they see someone else making that same decision. So they work hard to explain the logic of their decision so that others will make the same choice. If someone doesn't respond to their post and their rationale, they post again. And again. And again. It comes across as though they can't see how any logical person could possibly make a different decision; it must be that they are just not explaining it clearly enough. The worst is when someone posts that she's now made her decision and still there are replies reinforcing yet again why the other option is a better choice. How is that helpful?

All the situations I've mentioned happen a lot, and I don't think any of them start out with someone meaning to be mean.  But every one of those situations can deteriorate into nastiness. If you correct someone's fact, or you suggest that the other treatment option is just as reasonable as their option, or worst of all, you suggest that someone back off because their posts are hurtful to someone else, you might have just created an enemy. For years I was stalked on this board by someone who was upset because I explained that something she said in a post was not factually correct. I wasn't the only one who'd explained this, but I was first and so I got the target on my head. I was called names. When I posted, a post would follow criticizing whatever I said or telling people to ignore me. My posts were deleted "by the community". It went on and on for years, just because I'd corrected one fact. 

I don't think many people come here with the intent to stir things up. There are a few, and those people are usually outed and driven off very quickly.  It's the rest of us, those who come here to get support and offer support, who sometimes accidentally fall into some of these traps. The initial trigger is unintentional. The reaction is an understandable and sometimes necessary reaction. It's all about what happens after that. Is someone offended? Does someone double down on what they said? Or do you learn, or apologize or just walk away? I suspect that the person who stalked me is a nice person. But she's human, just as I am. And as humans, especially in an environment as volatile as this one (a bunch of women diagnosed with breast cancer) we all need etiquette rules to remind us to apologize and walk away.