Husband admitted his cheating today

Angie,

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I went through something similar with my ex-husband.  When I discovered his cheating, my entire world crushed around me.  I was still recovering from surgical procedure to remove an 8 cm tumor from my abdomen.

I have to agree with Athena ... I'm wondering just how great a husband he really is if he's cheating on two women (that you know of) and you haven't even been married for two years.  It sounds like he never gave up being a single person.

Please focus on whatever you need to do for your health.  Radiation is so hard to go through ... and it takes so much out of you.

I hope you have a friend or relative that you  can turn to right now.

Wishing you all the best and sending a huge hug,

Bren

Angiephnx, (((BIG HUGS))) to you! This is so unbelievable in the midst of what you are going through! I can't imagine what it must be like, but it seems you will be way better off without him in your life. He is obviously one of those men who always has to have more than one woman in his life, and the chance that he will change is very slim. I hope you have family and friends to support you through this. Best wishes!

Angie, how heartbreaking for you. You are a strong woman to have confronted your husband immediately about this. You are already going through so much and this betrayal must really add to your pain.



Do you have a caring sister or close friend? I don't like to think of you bearing this alone. It would be hard even without cancer.



In the meantime, keep talking to the ladies here.

Angiephnx,

 I am so sorry!  I agree with others that you should get some legal advice.  Find out where you stand financially.   Emotionally, only you can decide what you should do about your husband. 

If he has been supportive of you, and you do not have others to support you through your treatments, you may consider who will fulfill that role if you totally kick the husband to the curb.   I do feel you should take stock and know that you cannot completely trust him.  Take care of yourself first!  

Personally, my ex-husband decided to tell me he wanted a divorce between the end of my chemo and the beginning of my radiation treatments.   It was very difficult, but with good friends and my great children and siblings, I made it through.   The fact that you figured out how to search his text messages, tells me you are just as strong. You can make it through as well!

 I wish the best.

Suzi

Angie - I am so sorry to read what happened. I just stumbled upon this posting because the title caught my attention. I have never been in a similar situation myself, but as a therapist, I have done couples therapy in the past. From both my professional and personal experience with friends/family, I have seen marriages saved (and sometimes improved) after infidelity. However, I agree with what the other women are saying: you haven't been married long, you know it was going on for at least a majority of the marriage, he didn't come clean on his own, he put your health in significant peril both because of the STD aspect and the stress affect on your immune system. For all these reasons, he doesn't seem like someone who would truly change behavior, and BC has taught me to weed out the negativity in my life and surround myself with those who matter. I am also curious about what explanation he gave when apologizing. What did he attribute his behavior to? How does he explain not only the sexual aspect but telling another woman he loved her? Also, in order to move beyond infidelity, you will eventually have to be okay with the uncertainty and rebuild trust. Worrying every time he goes for a service call will make for a very difficult future. Take your time making your decision about the relationship, but in the meantime, I think the advice of the other women about covering all bases is a great one. I understand that your family/friends might not be objective or might use the knowledge against you or him in the future. Perhaps seeing a counselor, pastor, rabbi, etc., might help you process your feelings and feel confident in your choices. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

Oh I love that, Momof3boys!

Angie - Ugh! What a snake.  I hope that you will not let him lay any blame on you.  His behavior speaks to his character and not about you at all.  It sounds like he has been dishonest just about from the beginning.  I am sure that you are a very lovable and capable woman who deserves better. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior, so don't accept what ever excuses he comes up with.  You are not to blame for his rotten behavior.  Those are choices he made.

Angie, we're so sorry you're having to deal with this! We know you'll have the strength and wisdom to make decisions that are best for YOU.

You mention that you aren't yet ready to have your friends and family know about what's happened, so we'll make a gentle suggestion that you become a little more anonymous online. Our community is searchable with Google and other search engines, and any nosey neighbor or family member (or one of his floozies!) could find your posts. 

Consider replacing your avatar with a picture that's not you, edit your location to be less specific, and maybe delete your occupation and change your member name too.

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

• The Mods

More info about privacy and security online at the link.

So sorry to hear about your situation. You mention this is your second marriage and you now feel like a fool. Well, time to enlighten yourself and understand why you are choosing to enter relationships that lead to your unhappiness. May I suggest you read Erich Fromm's The Art Of Loving. Fromm sees the word "love" as a verb. It is an action word that requires work. You need time to understand why you choose to work on these kinds of relationships rather than more healthy relationships that will lead to a more enduring type of love. It's not easy to be self reflective. It requires very hard work over time. Be patient with yourself. Try spending more quiet time with yourself so you can begin to hear what your heart and mind have to say. And most importantly, take care of yourself. Devote time for your well being. It all requires hard work and discipline but ultimately it should make you happier with yourself and lead to more healthy relationships. Good luck!

So sorry you are going through this. There is only one thing I can say....what an asshole!

I don't know you, but it seems that you're married 23 months, and (taking him at his own words) for 18 of those 23 months your husband has cheated on you with multiple women...

Rather than ask you the inevitable bottom line question, I'm going to throw a couple others at you.  You don't have to answer on here - and probably shouldn't answer on here ('cause it's really none of my business), but these questions need to be asked...  Whose medical insurance are you on?  Your own, or his?  Do you have children from your first marriage?  Do they live with you?  Have they bonded with this man at all?  Are you getting regular child support?  Are you currently working, and will you be able to continue throughout the rest of your treatment?  Do you have a pre-nup in place?  Have you kept your finances that you each came into the marriage with, separate?

Those questions need to be answered by yourself before you can fully make a short-term decision.  Long term, I think you know what the answer is.

I am going to take issue with one statement you made... you said "he has been the most perfect husband".  That scares me for you, because obviously his acting skills are supurb.  So, don't feel stupid - he's a player, and you were smart enough to catch him. 

Angie, I was so shocked when my hubby turned up out of the blue to say he'd just come from the hospital where a girl had just given birth to his daughter. He said it was a one night stand and she meant nothing, but he wanted to take responsibility and that he loved me and he wanted to work through it all with me and to stay with me, but had to go back to the hospital and would come back asap. I was stupid enough to believe him and at that moment in time I wanted to preserve our life together, I was really in a state of shock. He then went completely uncontactable for 4 days (during which time I was a complete wreck with no one to talk to cause I didnt want to tell family and friends as they would have believed him to be a pig and to not give him a second chance. I was very much in the mode of trying to keep thigns the same so they wouldnt lose respect for him and make life harder if we had successfully worked it out liek he said he wanted. He then called and said his battery had run out which was why he hadnt called but still wanted to work it out with me. Anyway very very long story short, after a year of him saying his baby was being held hostage and he wouldnt be able to see her if he wasnt nice to the mother, and a year of me checking things like bank statements and personal paperwork, i found he had been with her for at least 2 years, probably longer and that he had told her we were divorced. He just wanted our life and our plans for the future but also wanted the easy sex on offer with the babies mother. He didnt want the settlement of property and had no thought of anything other than what would make him happy and stuff everyone else.

I really did try hard to work this out, I loved that man with all my heart and had thought we would grow old together, but when a man does nothing but lie, it just becomes impossible. Im now fairly bitter, definately not trusting of men and try my hardest to not think about him and what happened every day of my life. It all started about 5 years ago now with BC the following year.

Only you can work out what is best for you, but please take into account all of our stories, know that you are not alone in having your soul mate rip your heart out and know that you have our sympathy for having to go through this, specially at this time in your life. Maybe marriage councilling is your thing and may work, maybe he's not worth fighting for and maybe he wont fight to be the man you thought he was. We cant know because we dont know him or you. My ex could have worked through it with me, he just couldnt stop lieing long enough and when push came to shove, I was always the loser in who needed his attention and care enough. As a side note, he tried to rip me off on the settlement and tried to make me settle while I was recovering from chemo PLUS because he's an asswipe, he forced the divorce while I was doing chemo without regard for me having to sign that horrible bit of paper while throwing up with nausea. I now know im better off without him and Im strong and can handle anything life throws at me. I sure dont need a man and more than anything I dont need a man who can treat someone who loves him like that.

We were married 10 years almost to the day when the divorce came through and for every one of those days and years, he was making plans for our future together. No indication whatsoever that he was leading a double life. Even as I kicked him out for the last time, (it took a year before I realised this was no way to live) he was declaring his love for me (after telling me she had seduced him again and he'd had sex with her twice since the babies birth) grrrr Men

All these stories...OMG...bottom line.....you deserve better!!!!

If misery loves company...then I am your company.

I will try to make my journey brief...I had moved away from my family, friends and my high school/college children for my husband's career.  It was my 3rd marriage.  I was married briefly at 21 to an abusive man.  I married my children's father for 10 years.  I lived with and married my 3rd husband and raised his son from his first marriage since he was 5. 

In April 2009, about a year and half from moving away, he moved out and told me he wasn't happy.  The economy was horrible, my job had gone to part time.  I had no money, no marriage, away from my family and friends.  I lived off my IRA.  My mother and I were not getting along and to say I felt alone, isolated, worthless - doesn't begin to describe my state of mind.

My husband comes back to financially suppor tme through cancer.  The night I almost died during treatment, I made a pledge to God and I was changed from that moment.  I was 45 years old and had never felt I was good enough.  I was never a good enough person, mother, daughter, wife, sister, worker.  I loathed myself!  As I sat in the emergency room that night - I thought WOW - I have wasted the most precious gift - LIFE!  Here I had been given the gift of LIFE and what a shame it would have been to have wasted it and now I am going to die never once loving myself.  I promised God - if yyou get me through this - I will find a way to love myself and be nicer to the person I am.

My relationship with every one in my life improved, but mostly my marriage and relationship with my husband was the best it ever had been.  We laughed all the time, we loved, we grew and my life was fabulous!  I even felt like a woman after the bilateral masectomy and only to the implants in reconstruction surgery.

Over a year ago, my huband started traveling back and forth from Orlando (home) to Atlanta (relocation).  He was living with my mom when in Florida and coming home in Atlanta.  Our marriage was so strong and so happy - I just knew we would be okay.

March 2nd this year - my husband calls me - tells me his company has relocated him back to Orlando, he has met some one new and he wants a divorce.  Oh and he thought it would be best I stay in Atlanta because I had job up here.  DEVASTATION - I was hysterical for 4 days, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I cried until I couldn't cry any more.  I begged him to come back.  I begged him to not leave me. 

I since have found out he has cheated me the whole time during our 14 years together.  I felt like such a fool.  I was ashamed, I felt responsible for his cheating.  I question my womanhood, I question myself, my judgement, my beliefs.  And I stayed on this cycle until Jun 11th.  On Sunday, June 10th I was standing in the middle of Kohl's crying my eyes out - all alone.  Two of my doctors told me to read a book.  That night I downloaded the book and began reading it.  I now recommend it to every one.  it's called the Sociopath Next Door.  It will help you with your situation, with your life, with your career.

This is what I hold true to myself.  I would rather be divorced 3 times - then live a life of unhappiness.  I am not responsible for his lack or moral character, I am only repsonsible for mine.  God started me on a journey during my cancer, and knew I couldn't complete this journey with my husband in my life.  I have found my calling in life from journey.  And part of it - is here writing to you. 

We are united by a journey, we are sisters of strength and we will help you through when you are weak, facing bigger challenges then you have strength to face alone.  You will help maybe some of us, maybe some one new - but we are one in strength. 

If you want private message me.  I will help you in anything I can do.  Just don't isolate yourself and PLEASE, PLEASE don't take repsonsibility.  Let others help.  Please take care of yourself too.  You are your number one priority - your life, your health, your happiness - YOU! 

Dawn... On the book lovers thread, I mention several good sociopath books. One book is written by a Harvard psychiatrist called, Almost a Psychopath. Another great book is Snakes in Suits. There are many psychopaths and sociopaths and "almost" psychopaths and "almost" sociopaths running rampant all through society wreaking havoc on people's lives and most do not look like Ted Bundy. I highly recommend reading those books as well as Eric Fromm's The Art of Loving.

http://www.thealmosteffect.com/books/almost-a-psychopath/

http://www.amazon.com/Snakes-Suits-When-Psychopaths-Work/dp/0060837721

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739