Sept 2012 chemo

sherbab.. I know.. right! I finally took myself downstairs today picked up a pen and wrote till i cried about what was pissing me off... I came up with many many reasons! Then I called the hubby down and let him read it. After he was done I then said sorry I was positive now I am pissed! and I love you lol... Thanks for making me feel normal cause I thought I was crazy but I guess I have a right to me pissed the hell off to!

I sure am hoping taxol is easier and less SE's cause I am having a hard time being a mom and I HATE IT!

Keep me posted on the Taxol.. looks like we will be doing this hand in hand.. Good Luck!

Donna so nice to see you here. Wow it sounds like you had a blast. Jelous wish we had things going on in my small town . Good luck with Taxol next week

Cindi: You look amazing.  Great picture!

I did my first of three Taxotere on Wednesday after finishing three FEC (on a three-week schedule).  I know it's not going to be the same as for those of you on the weekly Taxol, but initially I can say that the difference between the two drug types is massive.  Absolutely none of that sicky, headachey, blah feeling with the Taxotere.  I'm told that I might get the joint aches/flu-like symptoms by tonight for a few days, but I might not or they might be moderate. 

Mariposa, your post really echoed with me.  I had a massive blowout fight with my husband a few weeks ago.  I put alot of it down to coming off the steroids, and I think that part of my overreaction was due to that, but I knew that some of the things we said to each other were about more than that.  I blew up on my husband because he was sitting down and relaxing while I was tidying up, sorting out the kids school stuff etc. and I was just hit with a massive wave of resentment.  I was tired, uncomfortable and thought, "Why the bloody hell are you sitting with your feet up--that should be me!"

Like you, I'm the one in our house that keeps things on track.  I do most of the cooking, all of the shopping, organising the kids homework and making sure they have what they need for school, pay the bills and sort out most of the business of the house and so on.  I also have a full-time, fairly demanding high-level job and bring in as much income as my husband does. We broke down a few years ago and got a cleaner to come in once a week because I just couldn't manage to do all that too, but I do most of the general picking up of things in between.

My husband and I have always had arguments about the distribution of labour in our household. What it comes down to is that I don't think he does enough (i.e half or thereabouts) an he thinks I don't acknowledge the stuff he does do and always expect more.  There's truth on both sides, I think.

I love my husband to bits--he's a good man, my best friend, and I wouldn't want these menial (although important) differences to end up separating us.  We've done a few things to help sort out this problem, partly because of the cancer, and partly because it's always been an issue.

1. The first thing that I have realised is that if I need my husband to do something, either as a one off or in an ongoing way, I need to ask (tell) him, with clear instructions.  I don't mean to sound patronising, but many guys just don't see or notice the things that we ladies do.  For example, I put a pile of laundry on the stairs to be taken up and put away.  He'll walk past it ten times, and I blow my lid and say "what the f*ck do you think it's on the stairs for--can you just take the stuff up and put it away." He'll say he didn't notice (hard to believe, but probably true) so I'll just now say nicely can you do X, and he'll say fine, no problem and will do it.  We've divided lots of jobs now in the same way.  I told him he had to learn to cook, and he has, to some degree, and he'll do dinner at least two or three nights a week.  What's more, I said to him that he needs to think of what to make, buy the stuff and do it, not ask me and involve me in the whole process.  That defeats the object. He has other designated jobs now too, like certain school runs and other bits and pieces and he knows he has to do them and he does.  I've realised that things that are obvious to me just don't occur to him, and he's not being malicious or lazy, he literally just doesn't see it.  But if I point something out and ask him to do it, he generally will and very gladly.

2. The other thing that I have learned is that I need to let go a bit. The reason partly why I do everything in our house is because I do it best (of course), things are done to my standard, the way I like them to be done, and I know they're done properly. One of the reasons why my husband gets annoyed is that he used to try to do things, and then I'd criticise him for not doing it right (you've put the girls' clothes away in the wrong drawers, if you cook that with that pan you'll burn it etc.) and he quite rightly started to get annoyed with me. So, much as it pains me, I now don't say anything or if I do I do it in a much nicer way. He very patiently nodded a few days ago when I gave him tips on how to distinguish between the different socks and which belonged to whom! I was getting tired of trying the wrestle my eight year olds socks on my feel every morning before realising that they weren't mine!

I think all our emotions are so sensitised right now that we're bound to have these types of issues. I always think talking and being open and honest is the best way through and maybe this experience can help to strengthen our relationships rather than break them apart (providing that the right foundations are in place of course).

Thanks a ton English Rose.  You are right about so much of what you said.  I do think that sometimes my husband is just oblivious - and I read into it that he just doesn't care or he just expects me to do everything. I also agree that I am a slight perfectionist and hate watching him do a not so great job at a chore .. which I have tried to be better at, but is hard too.  I think maybe that is where I should start.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your situation.  It helps a ton.

Hoping today goes better on the relationship front for all of us.

Cindi-you look amazing!   I love seeing pics of everyone. It helps to connect a face with the person!  I'm so glad you got to go out for lunch with your hubby.  This can be such an isolating journey.  The week after my treatments I am home alone every day just trying to get by doing what I can.  It gets so lonely with my hubby at work and kids at school.  I actually think I feel better in the evenings because they are home and help take my mind off everything for a few hours.  I think my parents may come next treatment and that will maybe help me to feel a bit better in their presence.  I really need to get out and run some errands today so I am trying to get the energy up to do it.  I still feel so foggy and tired.  I think that is the worst part of it all.  We made plans to meet a couple for dinner tomorrow night.  I hope I can muster the energy to be social. I know I need to get out and my poor husband will appreciate some laughs with good friends.  Just wanting to feel some semblance of normality!  I usually volunteer a bunch with my kids and just can't do it right now.  That bothers me.  I know it is just temporary.  I think everyone here has such beauty and strength.  I need to call my stylist and get this dead hair gone.  Please pray I have the strenght to do it.  I am really dragging my feet on it.  Love you all for your strength and encouragement!  We will get through it stronger than before.  I believe that!

Mariposa,  This is so hard on both of you.

First you.  Major breadwinner, mom,   can't believe all that you do.  And surgery, chemo.  So much.  You deserve help, a shoulder to cry on, hugs, massage, a shopping  spree.  But this is life.   We do understand.  It's not fair.  You have done nothing to deserve this. We all agree.

Now him. On another thread a  husband was asking for advice for his 40ish wife.  Surgery, chemo had struck her down.  Nausea, pain, sick, fatigue. He obviously loves her, is scared for her, reaching out.

I think all our significant others feel a little that way.  They want to help, want it to be over, want us safe, but then, resent the hand that life has dealt them too.  Husband reaches over under  the cover in the morning--not just for hand.  I tell him that I'm just not up to it yet.  Go to Starbucks.

Sit down with kids when you get a chance.  Level with them.  Give them a chance to tell you what they can do for you.  When I was 15, my father sat down with me, told me that he needed my help.  He had me pay the bills for the family for three months in the summer, buy the groceries, plan the meals, and take care of the twins six years younger than I.  He gave me $50 a week to buy the family groceries. (1952)

I did it.  Learned how the family budgeted, learned what water and electricity costs, and groceries.  It was a lesson in home economics that has stood me in good stead all my life.  By the way.  I found a man who raised rabbits in his back yard and would kill and clean one for me to pick up and barbeque for dinner.  It was about half the price of chicken.  My father said that he hadn't eaten  that much rabbit since the depression. 

Then have the same conversation with your husband.  Just beg for help and ask him how he can.  Then be good to yourself.  This is a tough road.  hugs.

Donna great to see you back, you did sound like you had a great week, free gap jeans...no fair!!....you do deserve it though.



Mariposa and English Rose, I think we have all been there. I feel for you both, you have so much extra on top of the cancer and stress it brings. I am sending you both a big ((HUG)). I am in a situation more like waitingfor, no young children, not a lot of extra pressure. I also told my hubby the week after chemo he basically has to take over food ect. On chemo day we shop at M&M's and get food that just gets put in the oven and it quite easy. Pot roast, chicken lasagne..yes pizza. Then when I am bouncing back it usually goes back to normal...him back at work and me doing everything else in the home.



Waitingfor enjoy the Feel Good Look Better, you do get a real nice kit. I am happy you found a wig you like, you are going to feel FABULOUS !!..

butterfly

        yes, my 2nd chemo was postponed for one week, I get it Tuesday.  Meanwhile I had 4 neulasta shots last week.  I had SE's, aching body, nausea and today my hair is dropping pretty quickly.  I was hopiing to have the weekend, I don't know if I will.  We are going out tonight, and I am going to shower as usual.  If it's not going to be presentable I guess I will go ahead with the wig.  Wish it would be ok, so sad .  Good luck with your next chemo and hope no SE's.  Hope you have a great weekend. 

Hello September ladies.  I wanted to pop in to respond to those wondering about weekly Taxol.  I started weekly Taxol and Herceptin on 9/20; just had my 4th treatment yesterday.  Thankfully I did not have to go through Adriamycin/Cytoxin as so many of you are doing.  So far I have had very few side effects - mainly constipation, plus sleeplessness from the steroid.  My white blood cells are holding in the normal range, and my hemoglobin is slightly below normal but still fine - all my blood work actually improved from week 3 to week 4.  No neupogen/neulasta or blood transfusions needed, and my oncologist doesn't expect that to change.  No nausea whatsoever.  No tiredness, other than from the steroid sleeplessness.  I do worry about peripheral neuropathy, which I guess is pretty common with Taxol.  None yet though.  I decided to start taking Glutamine and Vitamin B6 which are supposed to help ward off neuropathy.  I am not icing my fingers and toes as many people do on Taxotere/Taxol - decided icing my head was enough coldness! 

I am using Penguin Cold Caps to keep my hair, and so far so good.  I know that I will have some shedding as I go along, but nothing out of the ordinary so far.  

Best wishes to all of you!

I want to recommend the book called:



The Breast Cancer Husband, by Mark Silver.



It is an excellent book and may help some of the men in our lives.

Hi everyone,

 I just wanted to chime in and say I totally relate to the friction some of you are having with your DHs. Mine is good at concrete things, for instance picking up my rx, going to appointments, but with the more amorphous/emotional things he is clueless. Last Saturday I got my hair buzzed at the salon, and he said he would buzz too in solidarity. I thought that meant he would stop by the barber while I was at the salon. Nope, he went home to play video games. Then when I came home, he said hi, you look good, and then kept playing. When I was obviously upset, he didn't understand why. I had to really lay it all out, and say that just because I'm not crying, that doesn't mean I'm okay. 

I haven't shared this with people on the board yet, but my husband is also a cancer survivor. He was diagnosed with non Hodgkin lymphoma 4 years ago this christmas (he's doing great! yay). We were dating at the time (I was 24) and I was his sole caretaker (don't even get me started on his parents, yeesh). I really gave it my all to take excellent care of him -- planning all his meals, scheduling and attending his appointments, organizing the insurance, plus all the emotional being there, etc etc. All of what you ladies would do for your husbands. Now I feel like he's letting me down. I know that I'm just naturally better at that stuff because of who I am, a caretaker through and through, but it's frustrating.

I gently suggested (ie forced) him to go to counseling, starting last week. CancerCare offers free one on one counseling. He started going, and to his surprise, he really likes it and is getting a lot out of it. If anyone is in NYC, NJ or CT, they can go in their offices for counseling, and they also offer phone support. This may be helpful for some of the husbands out there.

xoxo

EnglishRose, I am also considered triple negative but am slightly PR +, have you found out anything more? I am also considered HER2 (+1)low so I am in a study for Herceptin.

Please leet me know if you find any info on ER-/PR+ Thanks! Jodi

Hi everyone-

  Cocobean:  Sounds like we are very similar!  I also got emend added to my regimen, and thus far it seems to be working better.  Super not enjoying the marshmallow effect!  Isn't it bad enough that I have to be bald!!!  Uggh.  Oh well.  I also hope we have a much better time this go round!!!   That is so cool that you met the woman who saw you at Walmart and let you know that your hat looked cute:-)  I can imagine that for her to see you looking good was pretty important to her.  I keep scanning crowds for wigs and scarves - but really haven't seen anyone (or their wigs are way too good!)

   I think I have come off of the steroids at this point and feel a lot better.  Me and my DH talked a lot today, and although things do need to change- we both want to make things work.  My hope is that after this, we can be stronger.  I also need to remember next time that the steroids do make a big difference in how I handle stress!  

Thanks everyone for the support.  It is nice to know that it isn't just me.  Right now the biggest SE I am feeling is super exhaustion.  I have slept most all day... plus my joints are pretty achy.  don't know if it is the neulasta or just the swelling.

Happy Friday! 

Aic....well truthfully I may have blame maybe some of that on my mens. cycle....was my first cycle without being on the pill...and that usually means a bad week. So don't fear the second tx...could well have just me. Keep the faith...And i really hope it goes well with very minimal se's....Karen

everything seems like a weird trade in this journey.....had a fill yesterday and finally looking like I have cleavage again, hair falling out like crazy. Sadly, time to shave it off.